Which race of Middle Earth do you belong to? Mark all that apply. 1. Physical appearance: for males. Are you: A. About 6’6” tall, very strong and nimble, but deceptively skinny? B. Somewhere between 5’6” and 6’4”, and a doughty warrior? C. Somewhere around 4’9”, very strong and hairy, with a full beard and a deep voice? D. Between two and four feet tall, with curly hair, no beard, and large, hairy feet? E. Very, very tall, with a lot of branches and leaves? 2. Physical appearance: for females. Are you: A. Somewhere around 6’ to 6’4”, strong as any male, but very skinny and rather flat-chested? B. Somewhere between 5’ and 5’8” and kinda busty? C. Somewhere around 4’9”, very strong and hairy, with a full beard and a deep voice? D. Between two and four feet tall, with curly hair, no beard, and large, hairy feet? E. Very, very tall, with a lot of branches and leaves? 3. Do people sometimes call you: A. “Grown-up child”? (Count two if you were actually older and wiser than the one who said this, even if you didn’t look it.) B. “Guest” or “Stranger” (if you weren’t, literally)? C. “Father” (as a term of respect)? (Count two if you’re female.) D. “Shorty”, or some other variant thereof? E. “Tree-herder”? 4. When you die, what will happen? A. My spirit will go to the underworld, and after a time of rest and correction, I will probably be reborn as a child. B. My spirit will fly somewhere out of the circles of this world—perhaps to be with my Creator. Who knows? C. My spirit will go the underworld, unless I’m one of seven special spirits, in which case I will eventually be reborn. D. No one really knows. E. I’m not likely to die unless somebody sets me on fire. 5. Do you often get the feeling: A. That the world is just so beautiful, you wouldn’t mind if you had to stay in it forever and then be destroyed when it was? B. That you really didn’t belong in this marred world, and were looking for your home? C. That people look down on you because of your ethnic heritage? D. That you really would like to eat six meals a day? E. That you wish birds would stop nesting in your hair? 6. Does it worry you/Have you noticed that: A. You never seem to get any older after you hit about 25? B. You’re probably going to die before you’re 90? C. People simply cannot tell you and your sibling of the opposite gender apart? D. You actually enjoy the poetry of Tom Bombadil? E. It takes you two hours just to say hello? 7. Your expected lifespan is: A. Very, veeeery long, unless you are slain. B. Eighty-some years. C. About 250 years. D. About 120 years. E. Longer than just about any other species on earth. 8. You greatest strength is: A. You can’t freeze or starve to death. B. You manage to live with the fact that you’re going to die someday soon. C. The strength of your ethnic pride. D. You can sneak around silently. E. Your love of the forest. 9. You’re good at: A. Many different things, especially music, and even some skills that are generally regarded as belonging to the opposite sex. B. Surviving in your situation and culture. C. Digging and smithing. D. Working with your hands. E. Helping things grow and protecting plant life. 10. You’re known for: A. Your beauty (regardless of sex). B. Your weaknesses. C. Your love of gold. D. Your ability to pack down an incredible amount of food into a tiny body. E. Being very elusive. 11. When it comes to the opposite sex, you: A. Equate sex with marriage and find beautiful singing voices and lovely hair sexy. B. May have more than one sexual partner in your life (including second marriages). C. Find very hairy people of the opposite sex extremely attractive (count two if you’re male). D. Will probably have a quaint, old-fashioned courtship, and then a happy marriage. E. Miss the opposite sex, because you haven’t seen them in millennia. 12. World-view: Do you believe: A. The Creator is the Lord of All, and he has sent lesser powers to the world to help in the battle against evil? B. The Creator is the Lord of All, but the Prince of Darkness is the king of this world? C. Your people were created by one of the lesser heavenly powers, but endowed with consciousness by the One Lord of All? D. Much the same as A, but leave it all to the philosophers? E. You were created by a lesser heavenly power in order to watch over all plant life? 13. Historically, A. Have some of your race killed one another in order to gain beautiful jewels? B. Have some of your race attacked the Immortal Lands, thinking they could gain immortality? C. Have some of your race become so obsessed by gold or jewels that that was all they cared about? D. Have some of your race said it was unnatural to want an adventure? E. Have you been separated from your spouse so long, you now barely remember his/her name? 14. Speaking of your genealogy, A. Can you trace your family line back to the first people of your race in less than five generations? B. Can you trace your family line back a few generations (more if you’re of noble blood)? C. Do an astonishing number of people in your family have names that end in “in”? D. Can you point out your third cousins once removed on the street? E. Were you born long before anybody else remembers? 15. Do you live: A. In a beautiful place, right out of a fairy-tale? B. In an average village or city? C. In a cave? D. In an area of lovely, rolling farmland? E. In a thick, old forest? 16. You would most like to live: A. In the “land of Faery, where beauty has no ebb, decay no flood”. B. In a castle or palace. C. In a glittering cave. D. In a hole in the ground in the middle of Yorkshire. E. In the rainforest. 17. When tempted, do you: A. Turn blue and grow several feet? B. Fall to temptation? C. Become very greedy? D. Manage to hold out for longer than anybody else? E. Take care not to be hasty? 18. What’s your opinion of horses? A. Wonderful beasts. I talk or sing to mine, and sometimes ride bareback. B. Very useful and beautiful creatures. C. I hate them, and wouldn’t be sorry if I never rode one in my life. D. They’re too big; I prefer ponies. E. I don’t often see horses in my home, but I like them. 19. The feature people comment most on is: A. Your beauty and agelessness. B. Your fire. C. Your beard (count two if you’re female). D. Your height, or lack thereof. E. Your height and the fact that you look like a tree. 20. What’s your opinion of gender roles? A, C. Males and females are pretty much the same, so in general, women and men should be allowed to do the same tasks. B, D: The gender roles are pretty much fine as they are. E. The opposite gender is lovely, but they’re all gone, now. 21. Is your native language: A. Absolutely beautiful, and resembling either Finnish or Welsh? B. Not without distinction? C. Very guttural? D. The same language everybody speaks? E. Full of harooms? 22. Do you eat: A. Game and fresh fruits and veggies? B. Three meals a day? C. A lot of meat and beer? D. Six meals a day? E. Special water that makes you really tall? 23. Your biggest dream is to: A. One day sail to the far west to live in bliss. B. Gain immortality. C. Own a whole pile of gold. D. Live a happy, uneventful life on your farm. E. Be reunited with your spouse. 24. You most enjoy quoting: A. Fabulously beautiful epic poems and lays. B. The words of your ancestors. C. Facts on mining and smithing. D. Well-known proverbs and comic poems. E. The endless poems on the creation of the world. Add up your answers. If you answered mostly:A's: You’re an elf. You’re fabulously beautiful, if a bit androgynous, and alternately childlike and very wise. If you want to stay on your current continent, avoid the ocean and the sound of seagulls. Never believe anybody who offers to help you make magic rings. Avoid falling in love with mortals: you’ll live longer. B's:
You’re human. You won’t tell anybody but other humans about the origins of your species, but they’re tragic. Despite all the despair and death, have hope! Your time is coming soon. C's:
You’re a dwarf, and proud of it. Avoid magic rings, as they will make you very greedy, and may cause you to shoplift. Remember to keep your beard in good condition (especially if you’re female), and never let the other races look down on you! (Well, you know what I mean.) D's:
You’re a hobbit. You dislike adventure, run around barefoot, and quote a lot of proverbs. Nothing momentous ever happens, but if it does, it must be conducted with ceremony. People often ask you if you’re from Yorkshire. Beware athlete’s foot and other fungal foot problems. E’s: You’re an Ent. Either that, or you’ve got some major problems, and I suggest seeking out a very good counselor.
