Script Season 2 - Episode 13
[Scene: City street.
The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
ROSS: This is so
exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a
year.
CHANDLER: What, you
never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not
allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis
genre?
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon
people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, c'mon.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh,
where can we find the monkey?
SECURITY GUARD: I'm
sorry guys, closed set.
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you
don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his.
We uh, we used to live together.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah,
and I have a time share in the Pocanos with
Flipper.
MONICA: Ross, there he
is.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy,
Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross
starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty
jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction
from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In
the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps
tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone
joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way.....
[Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
[Scene: The next time
at the movie set.]
SECURITY GUARD: Uh,
excuse me folks this is a uhh...
JOEY: Closed set. We
know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard
lets them in]
ROSS: Good morning. Hey
pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend
Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll
and throws it to the ground]
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.
ROSS: I don't get it, he
seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
TRAINER: Hey don't take
it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya
know, starring in a movie and all.
RACHEL: Now just how big
of a star is Marcel?
TRAINER: In human terms,
I'd say Cybill Shepard.
ALL: Woah.
CHANDLER: [to guys
wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys
in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT:
Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's
ready for the subway set?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me.
Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT:
The one in the director's chair.
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs,
walk with me.
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come
I'm walking with you?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're
just goin' over here so that we can get away from
the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love
of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is
he lookin'?
SUSIE: We've got a
problem.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT:
Tell me.
SUSIE: I can't do
Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that
she has a moustasche.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is
it bad?
SUSIE: It looks like one
of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone
convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude
Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe
Kaplan.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT:
I'll talk to her.
SUSIE: I hate actors.
CHANDLER: [to an extra
in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute
there I almost didn't see ya.
SUSIE: Excuse me.
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.
SUSIE: Uh, is your name
Chandler?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes
it is.
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Do you know me
or are you just really good at this game?
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss.
Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a
box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look.
. . great job growing up.
SUSIE: It's nice to see
you're not still wearing that denim cap with all
the little mirrors on it.
CHANDLER: Oh, right,
well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized
I wasn't a pimp.
SUSIE: Remember the
class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the
entire auditorium saw my underpants.
CHANDLER: Yes, back then
I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank
God I don't do that anymore.
[cut to Monica and
Rachel walking through the set]
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my
God, oh my God.
RACHEL: What what what
what?
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van
Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is
so hot.
RACHEL: Ya think?
MONICA: The muscles from
Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time
Cop?
RACHEL: No, was he any
good in it?
MONICA: Rachel, he like,
totally changed time.
RACHEL: Wow, so why
don't you go talk to him?
MONICA: Oh, yeah.
RACHEL: What, so you go
over there, you tell him you think he's cute,
what's the worst that could happen?
MONICA: He could hear
me.
RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it
for ya.
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't,
don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I
cook.
RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.
VAN DAMME: Hi.
RACHEL: Um, this is
gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over
there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks
you're cute.
VAN DAMME: You don't
think I'm cute?
RACHEL: I, I don't know,
um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda
gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to
come here and tell you my friend thinks you're
cute. So what should I tell her?
VAN DAMME: You can tell
her I think her friend is cute.
[back to Chandler and
Susie]
CHANDLER: No, Stephen
Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for
money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
SUSIE: OK, well then who
was the kid that got caught masturbating?
CHANDLER: OK that's not
what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for
his bus money.
[a voice in the
background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Oh that's me, I
gotta go.
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.
SUSIE: Um, so listen,
how many times am I gonna have to touch you on
the arm before you ask me on a date.
CHANDLER: Well, uh,
let's try one more. . . there you go, say
Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
SUSIE: I'll be there,
and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time
I'll get to see your underwear.
CHANDLER: No one was
around to hear that?
[back to Rachel and
Monica]
MONICA: So what'd he
say?
RACHEL: Agh, what a
jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking
me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
MONICA: Well, thanks
anyway.
RACHEL: He just kept
asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and
asking, and asking.
MONICA: Rachel if you,
if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound
like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want
to do...
RACHEL: Jean-Claude she
said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk.
Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
RACHEL: And then
Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and
that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
JOEY: Oh man, she's so
smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no
guys around, huh.
RACHEL: Does anybody
need anything?
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an
espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you
to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
RACHEL: That is so
unfair.
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like
you would drink her coffee after what you did to
her with Van Damme.
[Ross enters]
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to
cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's
trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple
of hours.
JOEY: You're blowin' me
off for a monkey?
ROSS: Hey, we can
rescedule for Saturday.
JOEY: Yeah, unless you
hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
[Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a
fork in me, I am done.
PHOEBE: Stick a fork
what?
CHANDLER: Like, when
you're cooking a steak.
PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't
eat meat.
CHANDLER: Well then, how
do you know when vegetables are done?
PHOEBE: Well you know,
you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat
me, I'm done.
CHANDLER: I've met the
perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch,
we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns
to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an
elevator?'
MONICA: What did you
say?
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe
my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I
didn't know what to say, how do you know if you
wanna do it on an elevator?
PHOEBE: Oh, you just
know.
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making
out on the couch.]
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we
gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no
no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had
planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes
tops.
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds
of passion. We gotta go.
SUSIE: But um, here's an
idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes,
actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and
there were three of us in there.
SUSIE: Well I was
thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore
mine tonight, at dinner.
CHANDLER: You want me to
wear your panties?
SUSIE: Could ya?
CHANDLER: Well, if I was
wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you
be wearing?. . . You're swell.
[Scene: Ross's
apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with
Marcel. Joey is there.]
ROSS: OK, got the music,
got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made
Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
JOEY: Oooh.
ROSS: With mealworms.
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh,
candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here
tonight?
[phone rings]
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are
you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I
understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it,
it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything
special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset
with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why
don't you start talking first.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel
that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts
making faces behind her back] She gave me the
green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I
can't see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica,
if there is something that you would like to
share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had
no right to go out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most
ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell
you out.
MONICA: Yes you did.
Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me
talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
MONICA: Did you just
flick me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you
wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica
flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking
[flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop
flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me
first.
[They keep flicking each
other. This turns into slapping each other. This
leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while
Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts".
Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm
gonna kick some ass.
[Phoebe grabs each of
them by an ear]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow.
Ow. Ow.
PHOEBE: Alright, now I
will let go if you both stop.
RACHEL: Oh, what do you,
you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you
want?
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: You want me to
just call him up and tell him that you're seeing
him instead? That's what you want?
MONICA: OK.
RACHEL: Oh that's what
you want.
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: Fine,
PHOEBE: There we go.You
know what, if we were in prison, you guys would
be, like, my bitches.
[Scene: A fancy
restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler,
Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
ROSS: Thanks for letting
me tag along tonight you guys.
JOEY: Forget about it.
SUSIE: How you doin
there squirmy?
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in.
. . and a little out.
JOEY: So, assistant to
the director. That's a really exciting job, I
mean, you must have a ton of cool
responsibilities.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I
have nothing to do with casting.
JOEY: So what're you
guys gonna eat?
SUSIE: How come all I
can think about is putting that ice in my mouth
and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Because I went
to an all boys high school and God is making up
for it.
SUSIE: I want you right
here, right now.
CHANDLER: Right now,
right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a
public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table]
They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the
bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: I'm going to
the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie
and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a
stall.]
SUSIE: C'mon.
CHANDLER: I can't
believe we're doing this.
SUSIE: Alright mister,
let's see those panties.
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we
see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall
door]
SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya
know what would be even sexier?
CHANDLER: What?
SUSIE: If you didn't
have your shirt tucked into them.
CHANDLER: Oh.
SUSIE: Alright. Now I
would like to see you wearing nothing but them.
Take your clothes off.
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I
hope you realize this means we're gonna miss
hearing about the specials.
SUSIE: C'mon hurry,
hurry.
CHANDLER: Hey, do you
want this done quick, or do you want this done
right?
SUSIE: Alright, turn
around. Time to see you from behind.
CHANDLER: OK.
[She turns him facing
the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and
gathers up his clothes.]
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's
been doing his buns of steel video.
CHANDLER: Well, you want
me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
SUSIE: This is for the
fourth grade.
CHANDLER: Huh? Where,
whaddya mean?
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean.
Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants,
mister, that's what I mean.
CHANDLER: What, what's
what you mean?
SUSIE: My skirt, you
lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants
'till I was 18.
CHANDLER: That was in
the fourth grade. How could you still be upset
about that?
SUSIE: Well um, why
don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if
you're still upset about this. [she leaves with
his clothes]
CHANDLER: Alright, I
hope you realize you're not getting these
underpants back.
[Scene: Monica and Van
Damme are walking down the street.]
MONICA: I can't believe
this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden
Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van
Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can
you beat up that guy?
VAN DAMME: Sure.
MONICA: This is so wild.
Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised
that you agreed to go on a blind date.
VAN DAMME: Normally, I
would not do it.
MONICA: Well, what made
you make the exception for me?
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel
told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome
with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew
has some groundrules and...
[Scene: Back at Monica
and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting
about what Rachel told Van Damme.]
MONICA: Say you're
sorry.
RACHEL: No. [hitting
each other]
MONICA: Say it.
RACHEL: No. [hitting
again]
[Monica grabs Rachel by
the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
MONICA: Rachel, you say
you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is
my favorite sweater, that is my third date
sweater.
MONICA: Say you're
sorry.
RACHEL: OK, you wanna
play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a
jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
MONICA: What're you
gonna do?
RACHEL: You give me back
my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
MONICA: You don't have
the guts.
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well,
at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I
thought he was cute.
[Monica pulls a thread
on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato
sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright,
stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who
can even remember why this even started in the
first place?
[Monica and Rachel start
yelling at the same time]
PHOEBE: Yes that's
right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at
your sweater, look at yourselves.
MONICA: I'll help you
fix your sweater.
RACHEL: I'll help you
throw out your purse.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I
made you stop seeing him.
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry
I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I
borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out
of her purse]
[Scene: Back at the
restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the
stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
[Joey starts whistling,
Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
CHANDLER: Joey?
JOEY: Ma?
CHANDLER: Joey!
JOEY: Chandler? What're
you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no,
she took off with my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in
there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly. .
. I'm wearin panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you
always wear panties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this
is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about
your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try
panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
CHANDLER: I was not
trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
JOEY: Well, let me see.
CHANDLER: No. I'm not
letting you or anybody else see, ever.
JOEY: Alright, alright.
[climbs up in the next stall and looks over at
Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey
in the mirror]
ROSS: [to Joey who's
looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people
don't like that.
JOEY: Chandler's wearing
panties.
ROSS: What? Let me see.
[climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
CHANDLER: No, no, you
don't have to see.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
CHANDLER: Alright, one
of you give me your underpants.
JOEY: Can't help you,
I'm not wearing any.
CHANDLER: How can you
not be wearing any underwear?
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin'
heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
CHANDLER: Alright look
Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your
underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
ALL: Hi.
[Back at the table. Joey
and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out,
holding the stall door in front of him, and
leaves.]
[Scene: Central Perk.
Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs,
can I have the milk after you?
PHOEBE: I'm almost done
with it, keep your panties on.
[Joey enters]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm
in the movie.
ROSS: What happened?
JOEY: One of the virus
victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me
and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross,
Marcel just finished his last scene if you want
to go down there and say goodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK,
I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to
go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on.
Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at
the window] Oh my God.
ROSS: What?
["Looks Like We
Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole
sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the
city.]
[Scene: The movie set.
Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to
Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel]
I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me,
[to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very
disappointed.
RACHEL: OK, well, bye.
[kisses him]
VAN DAMME: Goodbye.
MONICA: Well, bye for me
too. [kisses him]
RACHEL: OK, well,
bye-bye again. [kisses him again]
MONICA: OK.
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh,
the three of us, just could. . .
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh,
no no no no no.
VAN DAMME: Are you sure,
I can crush a walnut with my butt.
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no
no no.
RACHEL: Impressive.
MONICA: But no. Maybe if
I were baking.
MONICA AND RACHEL:
Bye-bye.
[Scene: City street.
Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya
on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that
beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
[Marcel is driven off in
a limo]
PHOEBE: You know, I
think I want to write a song about all this.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except
one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey,
Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
CHANDLER: How long you
been waitin' to say that?
PHOEBE: About 20
minutes.
CLOSING
CREDITS
[Scene: Filming a scene
from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van
Damme is looking over him.]
VAN DAMME: Can't you
see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you
see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you
see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Mommy
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you
see what's going on here, this man is dead.
END
JL
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