Still Holding out For You
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Still Holding out For You

Disclaimer: Rescue 77 and its characters are the property of Aaron Spelling and Spelling Entertainment, Inc. Elizabeth "Liz" Brody and Nick Schaeffer belong to me. If you wanna use 'em, please ask first. No infringement is intended nor is any money being made, so please don't anybody sue me! I'm just a poor grad student trying to afford law school. Lyrics used in this story belong to SHeDAISY off their debut album, The Whole SHeBANG. (I really suggest y'all go out and get it! It's awesome! The title comes from the song, too, in case you couldn't guess. =>)

Pairing(s): Yuppers. Read on to find out.

Content Warning: Nah, not here.

Notes: Here's my third story, which has nothing to do with my other two. This one's a depressing one. I had to use this song in a fic, so I came up with this one. I gave Bridges a first name. Lemme know what you think of it. These // little slash thingies // indicate a flashback. I got the ending idea from Titanic, well sorta. Anyways, on with the show!

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Still Holding Out For You

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

© 1999, By: Ash Carroll

//"Come on!" Wick shouted. "We gotta get outta here, the whole damn place is comin' down!"

"Go!" Bell said, pushing her ahead of him

She followed Wick outside and took off her mask. Hearing a loud crash behind her, she turned just in time to see the whole building collapse on top of Michael in a billowing ball of flame.

"Michael! NO!" The words were torn from her throat.

She tried to run towards the building, but a pair of strong arms around her waist held her back. Turning around, she found herself looking into the sad eyes of Mac Bridges.

"Let me," he said.

She watched as Bridges attempted to get back into the building to look for Bell.

He went partway in, but came right back out.

"The fire's too hot. There's no way we can get back in without risking more men."

"I can," she said with an air of determination.

She started to run back towards the building a second time, but Bridges pulled her back again. "Let it go, Ryan," he said softly. "He's gone. There's nothing you can do except get yourself killed too."//

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never thought I'd be in this place

It's someone else's life I'm living

Wish I were living a lie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathleen closed her eyes against the torrent of memories. Bridges' comment had hit closer to home than he'd known. The captain had given her and Wick a few days off to deal with their grief. Wick had taken to punching walls or just about anything else that was within reach, while Kathleen had become quiet and withdrawn. She hadn't laughed or smiled or even spoken in two days. Not since she'd seen Michael die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hardest part is when the bough breaks

Falling down and then forgiving

You didn't kiss me good-bye

I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say

And pray I get the chance one day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dearly beloved," the priest said, "we are gathered here to bid farewell to our brother Michael..."

Kathleen heard the priest talking, but she wasn't really listening. She was remembering the last time she and Michael had spoken.

// "Why so quiet?" Michael asked from his seat on her bed.

"Just thinking about those people," Kathleen answered. "Why them?"

"Fate, I guess."

"When they brought their baby home from the hospital, they probably thought they were gonna live happily ever after. In a heartbeat, everything changed. Why does life have to be that way?"

"I don't know. Why don't we just learn from it? Take our chances when we can because we never know if we'll get another one."

She look at him and smiled. "Yeah." Her expression turned uncertain. "Michael, I-"

*love you,* she thought as she was cut off by the ring of the alarm bell.

"We'll finish this later," he said.//

She should have just said it, should have told him on the way down, Wick or no Wick; but she hadn't. She'd missed her chance and she'd never get another one. Michael was gone. She shook herself from her thoughts, looking through her dark tinted sunglasses at the rest of the people gathered in the middle of the cemetery. Michael's parents, his brother and his wife, they were devastated. She hadn't seen his mother stop crying yet. Kathleen knew how she felt, because during the past three days, she'd cried so much herself, she didn't think she had any tears left, but she always found more.

Her gaze shifted to look at the hospital staffers, firefighters and medics gathered around. Medic Liz Brody was crying unashamedly on firefighter Nick Schaeffer's shoulder, his arm draped around her. Joanne and Wick stood quietly holding hands. Ryan wondered briefly when that had happened. She guessed Michael was still working his magic, trying to make sure that the people he cared about weren't alone to deal with their grief. Bridges was standing next to Two Dogs, both men wiping at their eyes.

Kathleen smiled sadly. They liked to think they were big tough guys with stone where their hearts should be, and under any other circumstance, they'd be able to keep up the charade, but Michael Bell had the ability to worm his way into your heart. She ought to know. He did it to her. She swore to herself she wouldn't love him, but when it all came down to it, he stripped away her walls one by one, and he hadn't even known it.

The movement of the crowd caught her attention and she realized that the service was over. She took a deep breath and walked over to the Bells.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bell? I'm Kathleen Ryan, I worked with Michael at the firestation."

Mrs. Bell nodded and hugged her. "Yes. He spoke of you often. Thank you for coming."

Ryan smiled through her tears. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."

"Will you be coming to the house?" Mr . Bell asked.

Kathleen opened her mouth to say no, but he spoke before she could get the words out. "Please come. I know that Michael would want you there."

She looked into Mr. Bell's eyes, Michael's eyes. She could never refuse Michael anything. "I'll be there."

She stepped away so that the others could extend their condolences, noticing Wick and Joanne heading over to her.

"Hey," Wick said, "I haven't talked to you since..." he couldn't bring himself to say it. "How you holdin' up?"

"I'm okay," she answered. "How are you?"

"I'm there."

"I'm so sorry, Kathleen," Joanne said extending her arms.

Kathleen hugged her briefly. "Thanks."

"Are you going to the house?" Wick asked.

"Yeah."

"Do you need a ride? I mean, you could ride with us," Joanne offered.

"No, that's okay. I have my car. Thank you, though."

"We'll see you over there, I guess."

Kathleen nodded, stepping away from them as they moved into the line to talk to the Bells.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can hear you smile in the dark

I can even feel your breathing

But daylight chases the ghosts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The gathering at the house had been too painful for Kathleen. Everywhere she looked, she saw Michael. She felt like she was suffocating. She finally had to leave and return to the firestation. Not that it was any better there. Silently she went to her room and lay

down on her bed, waiting for sleep to claim her, but it was a long time in coming. Sometimes she sat up in the middle of the night and looked across the room, expecting to find him awake and smiling at her. Or she lay awake in her own bed for hours, listening for his breathing, anything that would tell her this was some nightmare she was having and it wasn't really true. But she never heard it and in the morning she woke, knowing that he was really gone. She finally settled into a fitful sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see your coat and I fall apart

To those hints of you I'm clinging

Now's when I need them most

I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead

At least that's what you would have said

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Kathleen woke and headed into the kitchen for breakfast as she usually did. On her way, she passed the locker room. She didn't know why she went inside, or maybe she did. She walked over to the hook where his coat was hanging and gently reached out to finger the material. She took it off the hook and slipped it on, tears finding their way down her face. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel his arms around her. She sank to the floor sobbing as she folded her ams around herself.

Liz Brody and Carla Aguilar were on their way down for breakfast and stopped when they reached the locker room. They both rushed in at the sight of a sobbing Ryan on the floor. Liz reached her first and gently guided Kathleen into her arms. Carla put her arms around the two women and the three of them sat there together, two crying for the loss of their friend, one crying for the loss of what could have been. Bridges,

Two Dogs and Nick stood at the entrance to the locker room until Captain Durfee moved them away, letting the women have their privacy.

After a few moments, Kathleen's sobs quieted and she broke away from Liz's gentle embrace. "I'm okay," she assured her, wiping her eyes.

"Are you sure?" Liz asked.

Kathleen nodded.

"We all miss him," Liz said softly.

"I know," Ryan answered.

"You'll get through it, Ryan," Carla said. "It won't be easy, but we'll get you through it."

"Thanks. You guys go ahead to breakfast, okay? I wanna clean up first."

The women nodded and headed towrds the eating area as Kathleen headed for the bathroom.

She splashed cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked awful. She could almost hear Bell telling her to get on with her life, not to waste it crying for him, and she knew he was right; but if she moved on, that meant it was really over. Things were really final, and that was a truth she didn't think she could face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep

It's the only true comfort I feel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathleen knelt in the grass under the the tree. Carefully, she placed the red roses she'd brought in the flower holder. They contrasted well against the weathered gray of the head stone.

"Well, it's me," she started, "but I guess you already knew that. I

should probably tell you that Wick finally got Caufield to go out with him. They've been dating for about six weeks now, but I guess you already knew that too, huh? I mean, you were probably the one who put them together. Brody and Schaeffer are still dancing around each other, of course. Sometimes it hurts so much to watch them, they remind me of..."

Her voice trailed off and tears blurred her vision. Gently she reached out and ran her finger over the inscription:

In Loving Memory:

Michael Bell

March 23, 1973 - August 15, 1999

Beloved Son and Partner

"Dammit, Michael, why did you have to play hero, huh? Why did you have to push me in front of you? If you hadn't done that, you'd still be here!"

A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the trees in the cemetery.

*Without you,* it said. *I'm okay, Kathleen. I'm in Heaven, I'm happy. If I had to live there without you, I might as well have gone to hell.*

"So you'd rather I live in hell instead?"

*No. You'll be okay, Ryan. You'll make it, and someday, we'll be together again. I will be waiting for you. Until then, promise me that you'll keep on living.*

"I, I promise."

*I love you, Kathleen.*

"I love you. I will never love anyone but you."

Gently she leaned over and kissed the headstone, then got up and walked over to her jeep. She knew what she had to do now.

~~~*~~~

"Hey Ryan," the guy behind the counter greeted her as she came in.

"Hey."

"I heard about Bell. I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"How are you holding up?"

"I've been better, but don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"What can I get ya?"

"Can I have the key, please?"

"Sure."

She took a deep breath as she stared at the wall, reading the names of those who were lost. Carefully, she pulled the black marker out of her pocket. Walking over to an empty spot on the wall, she uncapped it and began to print. Her hand trembled as she wrote his name. She reached over and put a candle in front of it. She stayed for a few minutes, remembering the other victims that were listed on that wall.

*Until we meet again, Michael,* she thought as she took one last look at his name, then left, locking the door behind her.

~~~*~~~

Epilogue:

Seventy-year-old Kathleen Ryan crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over herself. She'd never married. She'd felt it would be unfaithful to Michael. She'd never loved anyone but him, so why marry anyone else when the only man she wanted was gone? She smiled. He might be gone, but she knew she'd being seeing him again soon. Finally, sleep took her.

She could see him standing in front of her, waiting for her just like he'd promised. He hadn't changed at all. He was still as young and gorgeous as he'd ever been. She looked down at herself. She too looked like she had when she'd fallen in love with him.

"Michael," she breathed, "it really is you."

"It's me. I told you I'd wait for you," he said, taking her in his arms.

She melted into his embrace. "I never doubted it."

He kissed her gently and she smiled, knowing she'd come home at last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE END

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