Disclaimer: Rescue 77 and its characters are the property of Aaron
Spelling and Spelling Entertainment, Inc. Elizabeth "Liz" Brody and
Nick Schaeffer belong to me. If you wanna use 'em, please ask first.
No infringement is intended nor is any money being made, so please don't
anybody sue me! I'm just a poor grad student trying to afford law
school. Lyrics used in this story belong to SHeDAISY off their debut
album, The Whole SHeBANG. (I really suggest y'all go out and get it!
It's awesome! The title comes from the song, too, in case you couldn't
guess. =>)
Pairing(s): Yuppers. Read on to find out.
Content Warning: Nah, not here.
Notes: Here's my third story, which has nothing to do with my other
two. This one's a depressing one. I had to use this song in a fic,
so I came up with this one. I gave Bridges a first name. Lemme know
what you think of it. These // little slash thingies // indicate a
flashback. I got the ending idea from Titanic, well sorta. Anyways, on
with the show!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Still Holding Out For You
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
© 1999, By: Ash Carroll
//"Come on!" Wick shouted. "We gotta get outta here, the whole
damn
place is comin' down!"
"Go!" Bell said, pushing her ahead of him
She followed Wick outside and took off her mask. Hearing a loud
crash
behind her, she turned just in time to see the whole building collapse
on top of Michael in a billowing ball of flame.
"Michael! NO!" The words were torn from her throat.
She tried to run towards the building, but a pair of strong arms
around
her waist held her back. Turning around, she found herself looking into
the sad eyes of Mac Bridges.
"Let me," he said.
She watched as Bridges attempted to get back into the building to
look for Bell.
He went partway in, but came right back out.
"The fire's too hot. There's no way we can get back in without
risking more men."
"I can," she said with an air of determination.
She started to run back towards the building a second time, but
Bridges pulled her back again. "Let it go, Ryan," he said softly.
"He's gone. There's nothing you can do except get yourself killed
too."//
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kathleen closed her eyes against the torrent of memories. Bridges'
comment had hit closer to home than he'd known. The captain had given
her and Wick a few days off to deal with their grief. Wick had taken to
punching walls or just about anything else that was within reach, while
Kathleen had become quiet and withdrawn. She hadn't laughed or smiled
or even spoken in two days. Not since she'd seen Michael die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dearly beloved," the priest said, "we are gathered here to bid
farewell to our brother Michael..."
Kathleen heard the priest talking, but she wasn't really listening.
She was remembering the last time she and Michael had spoken.
// "Why so quiet?" Michael asked from his seat on her bed.
"Just thinking about those people," Kathleen answered. "Why them?"
"Fate, I guess."
"When they brought their baby home from the hospital, they probably
thought they were gonna live happily ever after. In a heartbeat,
everything changed. Why does life have to be that way?"
"I don't know. Why don't we just learn from it? Take our chances
when
we can because we never know if we'll get another one."
She look at him and smiled. "Yeah." Her expression turned
uncertain.
"Michael, I-"
*love you,* she thought as she was cut off by the ring of the alarm
bell.
"We'll finish this later," he said.//
She should have just said it, should have told him on the way down,
Wick or no Wick; but she hadn't. She'd missed her chance and she'd
never get another one. Michael was gone. She shook herself from her
thoughts, looking through her dark tinted sunglasses at the rest of the
people gathered in the middle of the cemetery. Michael's parents, his
brother and his wife, they were devastated. She hadn't seen his mother
stop crying yet. Kathleen knew how she felt, because during the past
three days, she'd cried so much herself, she didn't think she had any
tears left, but she always found more.
Her gaze shifted to look at the hospital staffers, firefighters and
medics gathered around. Medic Liz Brody was crying unashamedly on
firefighter Nick
Schaeffer's shoulder, his arm draped around her. Joanne and Wick stood
quietly holding hands. Ryan wondered briefly when that had happened.
She guessed Michael was still working his magic, trying to make sure
that the people he cared about weren't alone to deal with their grief.
Bridges was standing next to Two Dogs, both men wiping at their eyes.
Kathleen smiled sadly. They liked to think they were big tough guys
with stone where their hearts should be, and under any other
circumstance, they'd be able to keep up the charade, but Michael Bell
had the ability to worm his way into your heart. She ought to know. He
did it to her. She swore to herself she wouldn't love him, but when it
all came down to it, he stripped away her walls one by one, and he
hadn't even known it.
The movement of the crowd caught her attention and she realized that
the service was over. She took a deep breath and walked over to the
Bells.
"Mr. and Mrs. Bell? I'm Kathleen Ryan, I worked with Michael at the
firestation."
Mrs. Bell nodded and hugged her. "Yes. He spoke of you often.
Thank
you for coming."
Ryan smiled through her tears. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."
"Will you be coming to the house?" Mr . Bell asked.
Kathleen opened her mouth to say no, but he spoke before she could
get
the words out. "Please come. I know that Michael would want you
there."
She looked into Mr. Bell's eyes, Michael's eyes. She could never
refuse Michael anything. "I'll be there."
She stepped away so that the others could extend their condolences,
noticing Wick and Joanne heading over to her.
"Hey," Wick said, "I haven't talked to you since..." he couldn't
bring
himself to say it. "How you holdin' up?"
"I'm okay," she answered. "How are you?"
"I'm there."
"I'm so sorry, Kathleen," Joanne said extending her arms.
Kathleen hugged her briefly. "Thanks."
"Are you going to the house?" Wick asked.
"Yeah."
"Do you need a ride? I mean, you could ride with us," Joanne
offered.
"No, that's okay. I have my car. Thank you, though."
"We'll see you over there, I guess."
Kathleen nodded, stepping away from them as they moved into the line
to
talk to the Bells.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel your breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The gathering at the house had been too painful for Kathleen.
Everywhere she looked, she saw Michael. She felt like she was
suffocating. She finally had to leave and return to the firestation.
Not that it was any better there. Silently she went to her room and lay
down on her bed, waiting for sleep to claim her, but it was a long time
in coming. Sometimes she sat up in the middle of the night and looked
across the room, expecting to find him awake and smiling at her. Or she
lay awake in her own bed for hours, listening for his breathing,
anything that would tell her this was some nightmare she was having and
it wasn't really true. But she never heard it and in the morning she
woke, knowing that he was really gone. She finally settled into a
fitful sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning, Kathleen woke and headed into the kitchen for
breakfast as she usually did. On her way, she passed the locker room.
She didn't know why she went inside, or maybe she did. She walked over
to the hook where his coat was hanging and gently reached out to finger
the material. She took it off the hook and slipped it on, tears finding
their way down her face. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel
his arms around her. She sank to the floor sobbing as she folded her
ams around herself.
Liz Brody and Carla Aguilar were on their way down for breakfast and
stopped when they reached the locker room. They both rushed in at the
sight of a sobbing Ryan on the floor. Liz reached her first and gently
guided Kathleen into her arms. Carla put her arms around the two women
and the three of them sat there together, two crying for the loss of
their friend, one crying for the loss of what could have been. Bridges,
Two Dogs and Nick stood at the entrance to the locker room until Captain
Durfee moved them away, letting the women have their privacy.
After a few moments, Kathleen's sobs quieted and she broke away from
Liz's gentle embrace. "I'm okay," she assured her, wiping her eyes.
"Are you sure?" Liz asked.
Kathleen nodded.
"We all miss him," Liz said softly.
"I know," Ryan answered.
"You'll get through it, Ryan," Carla said. "It won't be easy, but
we'll get you through it."
"Thanks. You guys go ahead to breakfast, okay? I wanna clean up
first."
The women nodded and headed towrds the eating area as Kathleen
headed
for the bathroom.
She splashed cold water on her face and stared at herself in the
mirror. She looked awful. She could almost hear Bell telling her to
get on with her life, not to waste it crying for him, and she knew he
was right; but if she moved on, that meant it was really over. Things
were really final, and that was a truth she didn't think she could face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kathleen knelt in the grass under the the tree. Carefully, she
placed
the red roses she'd brought in the flower holder. They contrasted well
against the weathered gray of the head stone.
"Well, it's me," she started, "but I guess you already knew that. I
should probably tell you that Wick finally got Caufield to go out with
him. They've been dating for about six weeks now, but I guess you
already knew that too, huh? I mean, you were probably the one who put
them together. Brody and Schaeffer are still dancing around each other,
of course. Sometimes it hurts so much to watch them, they remind me
of..."
Her voice trailed off and tears blurred her vision. Gently she
reached
out and ran her finger over the inscription:
In Loving Memory:
Michael Bell
March 23, 1973 - August 15, 1999
Beloved Son and Partner
"Dammit, Michael, why did you have to play hero, huh? Why did you
have
to push me in front of you? If you hadn't done that, you'd still be
here!"
A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the trees in the cemetery.
*Without you,* it said. *I'm okay, Kathleen. I'm in Heaven, I'm
happy. If I had to live there without you, I might as well have gone to
hell.*
"So you'd rather I live in hell instead?"
*No. You'll be okay, Ryan. You'll make it, and someday, we'll be
together again. I will be waiting for you. Until then, promise me that
you'll keep on living.*
"I, I promise."
*I love you, Kathleen.*
"I love you. I will never love anyone but you."
Gently she leaned over and kissed the headstone, then got up and
walked
over to her jeep. She knew what she had to do now.
~~~*~~~
"Hey Ryan," the guy behind the counter greeted her as she came in.
"Hey."
"I heard about Bell. I'm sorry."
"Thanks."
"How are you holding up?"
"I've been better, but don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"What can I get ya?"
"Can I have the key, please?"
"Sure."
She took a deep breath as she stared at the wall, reading the names
of
those who were lost. Carefully, she pulled the black marker out of her
pocket. Walking over to an empty spot on the wall, she uncapped it and
began to print. Her hand trembled as she wrote his name. She reached
over and put a candle in front of it. She stayed for a few minutes,
remembering the other victims that were listed on that wall.
*Until we meet again, Michael,* she thought as she took one last
look
at his name, then left, locking the door behind her.
~~~*~~~
Epilogue:
Seventy-year-old Kathleen Ryan crawled into her bed and pulled the
covers over herself. She'd never married. She'd felt it would be
unfaithful to Michael. She'd never loved anyone but him, so why marry
anyone else when the only man she wanted was gone? She smiled. He
might be gone, but she knew she'd being seeing him again soon. Finally,
sleep took her.
She could see him standing in front of her, waiting for her just
like
he'd promised. He hadn't changed at all. He was still as young and
gorgeous as he'd ever been. She looked down at herself. She too looked
like she had when she'd fallen in love with him.
"Michael," she breathed, "it really is you."
"It's me. I told you I'd wait for you," he said, taking her in his
arms.
She melted into his embrace. "I never doubted it."
He kissed her gently and she smiled, knowing she'd come home at
last.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
