How to become a HillBilly
Step# 1
HillBilly Guide to Clothing.
Out with all that fancy smancy name brand attire, and in with all the promo t-shirts and stuff that come as prizes with beer, cigarettes, and tires. Look for Marlboro, Kool, Busch, PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), and NASCAR. All staples for a Hillbilly closet. Oh, don't forget the boots. I suggest combat, cowboy, or work boots, all worn out to the point that most people would chuck them. Additional accessories could include: cap advertising fishing bait/tackle or livestock feed, earrings for the ladies (great big dangles of course), and anything that is plaid flannel. Don't forget the eye shadow! Stick with lilac or baby blue & lots of red lip stick.
Step 2
HillBilly Vocab Guide.
Use "got" instead of "have" and slur words together. "Gunnew" is a good word to adopt right away. I'm gunnuew tell you why. It is easier to say than "going to." Listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy to increase your Hill Billy vocabulary.
Step 3
Landscaping.
Here you can really save some bucks during these hard economic times. The very first thing you MUST do is stop mowing the lawn. Do it now! Next, visit a salvage yard or just keep your eyeballs peeled on garbage day. Invest in old tires (you can usually get these for free), toilets (beautiful when filled with flowers), random wood and scrap metal. For the big focal point, you really need a car. Something from the 80's, I am thinking, with a lot of rust, broken windshield and peeling paint. Put a "For Sale" sign in the window or tell people you are fixing it up so "Janie kin drive hertself over theret to the school house, and do her lurnin." Check local ordinaces to see if goats and sheep can be considered.
Step 4
Fine Dining.
Grocery items must include lots of hot dogs (make sure "parts" is listed as an ingredient), Moon Pies, RC Cola, beer, chili, Spam, Vienna Sausages, pickled eggs, pigs feet and the biggest bags of dog food you can find also road kill makes a great supper meal. When you dine out as a family, keep in mind many bars and taverns serve a variety of HillBilly appropriate food. Got myself sum of that dadgum kalli-mary.
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