The night was long and it was lonely. The silence felt like a physical force. It crushed and it smothered. Battered and bruised. The endless minutes tormented her as she watched them tick by on the alarm clock. The reddish glow of the numbers stained her eyesight. She blinked, but the afterimage still burned.
She waited.
The rest of the day had been the very picture of normality. Dressed in clothing that covered her wounds better, she had apologized to Paige and was forgiven. She had helped her aunt clean and make dinner. Marc had left shortly before they ate, saying that he needed to get home. His eyes met Lara’s without hesitation. If he felt the same awkward space between them that she did, he gave no sign.
Darkness settled like falling snow, blanketing the world outside. Her reflection in the window pane stared back at her until she finally turned off her lights and surrendered to the night.
And then she waited.
But Kabran didn’t come.
She hadn’t realized that she’d become so dependent on his presence, on their late night relationship. The ache inside her chest stretched into a profound longing. Itchy in her own skin, Lara felt like an addict, desperate for her fix.
As the night wore on, she grew more anxious. The physical pain that Kabran had bestowed upon her had waned during the day so that it was hardly noticeable now. But as it diminished, her grief started to descend.
She wanted the jolt of a punch or a slap to bring her back into the moment. She wanted the detachment that the ghost’s very existence brought. And so she slammed her fists down on her thighs and picked at her scabs. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to force memories of her previous life into her consciousness.
Nothing helped. All she could see was her parents. All she could hear was the screech of metal. She needed Kabran.
Grief twisted inside of her, crushing the air out of her lungs.
Oh god. God, it hurt. Her parents were gone. Her mother’s laugh, her father’s hugs…gone. Dust to dust. And it was all her fault. She had done it. Her stupidity and her selfishness and her weakness. Why had they died and she lived? It wasn’t fair. No, nothing is ever fair. People die. Thousands every day. Why should her parents be any different?
But Christ, how could she hurt this much and still live? The pain was a living thing inside of her. She could almost see it crawling under her skin, like a parasite. And it was slowly taking control of her.
Marc’s tears. Paige’s wounded eyes. Her mother’s cry. She was responsible for it all.
What had she become?
I didn’t used to be this screwed up, I swear.
But she couldn’t remember ever being something else. It seemed as if she had always been a horrible, sickening thing. A person who hurt others for no reason. A person who used and manipulated and destroyed.
“Kabran, where the fuck are you?” she hissed under her breath. She needed him here. This would not go away without him. It would never end.
She slid off the window seat onto the floor. Rolling on her knees, she curled up on herself, resting her head on the floor. Biting her lips, she tasted blood. Her hands tugged at her hair, ripping it out of her scalp. But it wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. The pain still burned and she couldn’t push it away.
How could Marc cut it off like he did? Just a neat slice, like excising a necrotic tumor from the healthy flesh. Pain gone. Everything well.
Without Kabran, there was no chance of her being able to amputate the malignancy that plagued her. And so she felt the pain, like a rotting thing inside of her. She gagged and dry-heaved, and her pathetic cries for escape went unheeded.
At some point she opened her eyes and saw a pool of reddish light on the floor next to her.
Dizzy and stuffy, Lara sat up to look out the window. The ruddy light of the rising sun had turned the wispy tufts of clouds into flames that burned against the early morning sky. It was beauty and rage, and it stole her breath as she stared, awestruck.
She had made it through the night.
She finished braiding her hair as she dashed down the hall. “Coming!”
“Do you want to bring a jacket?” her aunt asked when she had made it down the stairs. “It might be cool tonight.”
“Not to mention that the wind will blow your hair back on the pirate ship ride,” Tim added. Then he stroked his bald head. “Come to think of it, I should bring a hat. I don’t have much hair left.”
Lara rolled her eyes at the bad joke, but she smiled. “I think I’ll be fine,” she said.
They walked out the door and got into Paige’s car. The annual town fair was that weekend and her aunt had suggested that the three of them go. It was an obvious attempt to bond with Lara, but for once she didn’t mind. The rides, the lights, the noise—all of it sounded like heaven. Anything was better than spending the night like she had the night before.
The fairgrounds were huge and crowded. The parking lot was basically packed dirt covered with a layer of hay and the cars were lined up, row after row after row. It seemed like the entire town was there.
When she got out of the car, she could smell fried dough and popcorn. The lights of the Ferris wheel glittered. The sounds of a band playing on the other side of the fairgrounds filled the air. Exhilaration ignited inside of Lara as she suddenly remembered how it felt to be a kid at an amusement park.
“You like roller coasters?” Tim asked her as they walked towards the main gate.
“Yeah,” she smiled. “They have one here?”
“Well, no. But they do have a ride called the Ring of Fire.”
Lara grinned. “Child’s play.”
“Thank God,” Paige exclaimed. “He tries to drag me on that ride every year. Now he can go with you and I can stay safely on the bench.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Tim teased her.
“Oh yes, I do—a heart attack!”
Once inside the fair, Lara stood along the railing that surrounded the carousel while Tim and Paige bought tickets. People were just getting on the ride. Parents boosted their little children up onto the horses and older children sat down, ready to race their friends on the horse next to them. Their glee was so pure. She wished that she could capture that for them.
She suddenly felt a presence at her side and Lara turned to see Marc standing next to her, leaning on the railing. Warmth immediately flooded her, surprising her a little. “What are you doing here?” she asked quietly. Then she wanted to kick herself for asking such a stupid question. What she really meant was, What are you doing with me?
“Same thing as you, probably,” he replied. “I came with my mom.”
“Not with your friends?”
“Nah, I came with them last night.”
Lara felt a vague sense of disappointment. He’d come with his friends, but he hadn’t asked her to join him. Well, she could hardly blame him, after all that she had put him through. “Paige and Tim brought me,” she said. “I guess they thought it would be a good family activity.”
“It is. I’ve been coming here with my family my whole life.” Then he turned to her, his eyes studying her face. “You look nice.”
She flushed, praying that he didn’t notice. “Thanks.”
“No new bruises?”
She looked away from him, back towards the carousel. She could sense that Marc was proud or impressed that she hadn’t let Kabran hurt her the night before. But he didn’t know that it wasn’t because of any strength on her part. If her ghost had appeared, Lara would have gladly succumbed to whatever solace he could have given. “No,” she whispered.
“Hey Marc,” Tim exclaimed as he and Paige came over. Lara let out a breath, thankful for the interruption. “How’re you doing? Is your mother here?”
“I’m pretty good,” he replied with his warm smile. “My mom is just getting some ice cream.”
Tim held up his ride tickets, fanning them out in his hand. “Are you up for the Ring of Fire?
Marc glanced at Lara. “You going?”
She nodded. “Hell yes.”
“All right. Then, I’m in. Let’s do it.”
Paige stayed by the carousel to wait for Marc’s mother while the three of them headed towards the ride.
It only held two people per car, so Tim insisted that Marc ride with Lara. They sat locked in the car as they waited for the ride to start, and she felt the heat of his body pressed against her right side. She remembered the way that he had touched her the day before and the blood rushed into her face.
Why was this happening? She had always found him attractive, yes, but now she was overly aware of him. His every word and movement affected her. And it made her shy, like a school girl with a crush.
“You’re quiet,” Marc noted.
“Just saying my prayers,” Lara joked as the ride began.
Her stomach dropped as their car rolled back and forth on the circular track, higher and higher, until they were looping completely upside down. The wind felt incredible against her face. She heard Marc cheering next to her, so she let out a few girly screams.
“Nice set of lungs you’ve got there,” he said as the ride slowed to a stop.
“Thanks. I grew them myself.”
After they exited the ride, they walked back over to the carousel, where Paige was waiting with a pretty, petite woman with blonde hair.
“How was it?” her aunt asked Tim.
“Great, as usual,” he replied.
“Oh, Lillian,” Paige said to the blonde woman, “this is my niece, Lara. Lara, this is Marc’s mother and my good friend, Lillian.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” the woman said softly.
Lara found that she couldn’t quite meet Lillian’s eyes. Not after what Marc had told her. She had the feeling that they told very few people about the abuse and she didn’t want his mother to realize that she knew.
But when she shook hands with the woman, Lara felt an immediate kinship with her. Marc had told her that his mother had tried to commit suicide. And even though she had never acted on it, there was hardly an hour that passed when Lara didn’t imagine doing the same thing. They both knew sadness and hopelessness in a way that most people never would.
But Lillian had obviously made it through to the other side. She was animated. Free. And it made Lara admire her. She wished that she could ask the woman just how the hell she had done it.
Their group wandered around the fair aimlessly for a while. But then Tim, Paige, and Lillian decided to listen to the band, urging Marc and Lara to continue on without them.
“Another not-so-subtle set-up,” Lara murmured, thinking of how her aunt had thrown the two of them together soon after they had met.
Marc nodded. “We really need to teach them some tact.”
She laughed awkwardly, the strange shyness still holding her hostage. “Sorry you keep getting stuck with me.”
He gave her a sideways glance as they started to walk again.
“What?” she asked self-consciously.
“Nothing,” he replied, shaking his head.
Lara didn’t know what to say next. She had never really been at a loss for words with Marc before, but she suddenly found herself grasping blindly for a topic. “I like your mother,” she finally blurted out. “She’s nice.”
“I figured you would.”
She didn’t know what he meant by that and she wondered if she should be offended. After all, he had admitted that he hated his mother sometimes. Did that mean that he hated her too?
She tried to push the thought away. “So, um, what do you want to do?”
Marc shrugged and looked around. After a moment, he looked back at her with a sly grin. “Hey, I have an idea,” he said, taking her hand.
Nearly tripping over a group of kids as he hauled her through the crowds, she asked, “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
Lara was breathless by the time he finally stopped in front of a Moon Bounce that was shaped like a castle. “This is for kids,” she said. “They’re not going to let us on.”
“Trust me. Get in line.”
Because it was getting late, there were only two kids waiting for a turn on the ride. She stood behind them as Marc went up to talk to the attendant, a girl that Lara recognized from the party the other night.
A few minutes later, he came back and started to take off his shoes. “She’s going to let us on right after these kids,” he told her.
Lara shook her head incredulously. “How did you manage that?”
“I dazzled her with my charm.”
“Oh, really,” she said skeptically.
Marc smiled innocently. “What? It works on you all the time.”
She just looked at him, trying not to laugh.
“Okay, fine,” he said, “I told her that I’d give her my calculus exams from last year. Come on, take your shoes off.”
When the girl finally let them on, Marc started jumping around and doing flips.
“You’re crazy!” Lara cried, trying to stay on her feet while the Moon Bounce wobbled under her. But after a minute, she realized that it was useless and let herself fall down and bounce back up.
“Yeah, but you like it!”
Yes, she did, she realized as she did a flip and landed on her back. She liked it a lot.
Marc bounded down next to her, shaking the inflatable surface so much that she couldn’t get up. Giggling, she tried to stand and then fell back down gracelessly. Rolling away from him, she was able to get to her feet just before he leapt at her again. Lara shrieked and turned to run as Marc chased her around, trying to make her lose her balance.
By the time the attendant asked them to get off, they were laughing and gasping for breath.
Lara grabbed his hand as soon as he had finished tying his shoes. “Come on, come on,” she cried, pulling him toward the fun house.
They ran through it, tripping over themselves and laughing the entire time.
Next, he dragged her on the haunted mansion ride. She screamed enthusiastically as their cart jerked around corners in the dark and people dressed in costumes jumped out at them.
After the ride they played game after game and Marc was soon carrying a handful of cheap stuffed animals that Lara had won. They admired the exhibits of arts and crafts the local kids had done and gushed over how cute the prize-winning livestock were. They ate cotton candy until their hands sticky with sugar. Lara couldn’t remember the last time that she’d laughed so hard.
It was when they were on the bumper cars that it all fell apart. She didn't even think twice about the ride when she handed the attendant her tickets. She just ran straight for a blue car and belted herself in, waiting for the light to turn green so she could step on the gas.
It was great at first. She chased Marc around the track and ran him into the wall a couple of times, giggling evilly when he pretended to be indignant.
But as she was driving around, trying to hit him again, another person slammed into her from behind. The shock of the hit sent her flying forward into her seatbelt and then she remembered the crash.
The tears in her eyes, the sudden bend in the road, the squeal of her breaks, the jarring impact as her parents’ car slammed into hers…
Her foot was off the gas pedal now and her car merely sat in the middle of the track as she stared down at the steering wheel. The other cars on the track whizzed around her, but she barely noticed. The music blared, but all she could hear was the screech of metal against metal.
As soon as he saw her, Marc seemed to know what was wrong. He bolted out of his own car and jumped into hers in a matter of seconds.
"I've got you," he said as he threw his arms around her. "It's okay."
The attendant quickly cut the power when he saw what was happening. The people still on the ride glared at them and dozens of people in line stared with sick fascination.
"I'm sorry, Marc," Lara gasped. "I'm so sorry."
He unbelted her and helped her to her feet. Her arms were still around him as he led her to the exit of the ride.
And she couldn't stop saying it—it was almost like a hiccup. "So sorry." Gasp. "So sorry." Gasp. "So sorry."
Marc took her to a bench near the back of the fairgrounds where there were few people around. "It's okay," he said to her again when she was sitting.
He was on his knees before her and he stroked her hair as she continued to gasp for breath. When he reached to take her hand, he saw that her nails were dug into her palms. Gently, he unclenched her fingers, and he didn't flinch when she started to cut into his hands instead. "Let it go," he said. "Just let it go."
Lara was aware of what was happening—this struggle to get air into her lungs was all too familiar. But she was shocked at what she was saying, "So sorry." Gasp. "So sorry." Even more than that, she was appalled at how close she was to tears. Marc's hand on hers, his fingers in her hair, his whispers, "Let it go," made her eyes sting.
Don't cry, bitch, don't you fucking cry, her mind raged.
But she couldn't stop it. She was hissing through clenched teeth now, her body shaking intensely as she tried to force away the scalding tears that filled her eyes. She tried to think of Kabran and his words and bruises and how the hate and anger and anguish could be beautiful, but all she could really think of was how badly this hurt.
And suddenly her body was still and she was silent. Lara looked down at Marc as the tears spilled down her cheeks. She took a deep breath and her eyes filled again. She smiled slightly as she let the hot tears go again.
The smile slipped away quickly as she started shaking again, but now with hard sobs. She fell forward on top of Marc on the ground and cried like a child against him as he held her tightly.
Part 8
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