Train Tickets & the Engineers
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Laugh at the Pregnant Lady
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.
Smartest Man
In a small aeroplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.
They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5 minutes.
"There are only three parachutes I'm afraid," he said, as he hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the three passengers and two parachutes.
Bill Gates said, "I'm very important, and I'm the world's smartest man and I deserve to live." And with that he grabbed a pack and leaped out.
"Young man," said the Pope to the hitchhiker, "I am old, I have lived my life and it was a very good one. You're still young, please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in the hands of God."
"It's okay," said the hitchhiker. "Don't worry, we have a parachute each."
"How can that be?" asked the Pope.
"Well, the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack!"
Woman and Man in Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
The Train Ride
One day after a war was over, a general and a private were riding a train home, and the private was sitting in an aisle seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station, when he looks up, and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen walk in the car, and she's coming closer, and closer, finally she takes the seat directly across the aisle, and he gives her one of those cool smooth looks, and then he looks down the aisle again and sees....Grandma (who is a stout woman) coming over.
Now she has seen the look from the private to her granddaughter, and gives the girl a little shove and the girl has to move over to the window seat. The private is more than a little disappointed because his view has just gone from gorgeous, to old and ugly.
About an hour into the ride, They came into this tunnel, and it's pitch black in the train, you hear this smoooooch, then SMACK. The Beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!"
The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the NERVE of that young man, really, kissing my granddaughter! I am sooo glad she slapped him!"
The general is thinking, "I am so proud of my private, he saw an opportunity, and he seized the opportunity, I just wish her grandma would have hit him instead of me!"
The young private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest man in the world, I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and I got to deck my general without getting in trouble for it."
Voice Activated Car Radio
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!" ...The radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
Airline Pilot
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
The New York Taxi Driver
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
Flight
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."
Bike Ride
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he always made it by there by 2 p.m.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they’re off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the ‘Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
Speeding Ticket
A man speeding down the highway gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The man sheepishly answers, "Is it because the car I am driving is stolen?"
"This car is stolen!" exclaims the police officer. "No, that is not why I pulled you over."
"Is it because of the gun in my glove box?" asks the man.
"There is a gun in your glove box!" says the police officer. "No, that is not why I pulled you over!"
"Is it because of the dead body in my trunk?" questions the man.
"You have a dead body in your trunk!" says the police officer. Now the police officer, tells the man, "Wait right here," and goes back to his car to radio for backup. The SWAT teams arrives, and an officer approaches the car. They check the registration and the car is not stolen. They check in the glove box and there is no gun. They check in the trunk and there is no dead body.
The SWAT officer says, "I don't understand sir, the officer over there told us you were driving a stolen car, with a gun in the glove box and a dead body in the trunk!"
The man looks up at the SWAT officer and says, "Damn liar, he probably told you I was speeding too!"
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