Paris A Fountains' Unbelievable Delivery: West Coast





(Number 1 Introduction to LA)

Good Evening Everyone, How Y'all Doing Tonight?
Well....
I Hope You're Doin' All Right!
I Mean....
I Hope You Came to See Me,
And Didn't Just Come for Place to Set Out Of the Weather for
a While.....

(Add Applause W/Mild Laughter)

Now I Come from the South.....
Some Say, That the South Is behind the Times.
I Just Don't Understand How They Can Say Such Thangs.
We Got Computer Dealers in Atlanta, Automated Automobile Assembly Lines, the World of Coca-Cola, Six Flags over Georgia, and Ted Turner.
I Just Don't Get It.....

(Number 2 behind the Times)

I Think Southern Californians Are behind the Times,
Why?
They've Been Keeping Drunks off the Streets in Atlanta since about 1776 or so,
Or At Least They Locked Them up in the Stocks until They Sobered up.....

(Add Raucous Applause and Laughter Here)

Now, I Wasn't Brought up to Throw off on People.
But, Maybe These Folks in Southern California Are Just Too Greedy To Put Them Drunks in Jail.....

(Add Laughter Here)

You Know.....
Maybe the Sheriffs Might Want Some New Squad Cars Instead.....

(Add Laughter Here)


(Number 3 Police Cars)

I Think the L-A-P-D Has a Model That Drives Itself,
It Just Goes around Town Taking Pictures of People in their Cars.....
Then the Sheriff's Department Sends Them Tickets to Their Houses and in Their E-Mails.....
I Guess That's for Payment Convenience,
So They Can Go Ahead and Use Their Credit Cards To Pay Them Things Off.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Think That's Why They Don't Do Anything about them Drunks.....
Because They Don't Have Licenses, E-Mails or Credit Cards.

(Add Laughter Here)

You Know, That's What They Need to Do.....
Is Give Them Stinky Drunks Clean Licenses Every Day.....

(Open Auditorium Random Coughing Laughing Sounds)

I Mean, They Could Give Them Clean Clothes with an ID Number on the Front and Back.....
Just like They Was in Jail, Then They Could Just Send a Squad Car out to Deliver them Tickets and Collect the Money from the Bums out on the Sidewalks When They Wake Them up in the Morning.....

(Add Raucous Laughter Here)

(Number 4 Street People)

Yeah,
I Met My Share of Sweet People,
I Think They Call Um Street People Out Here,
They Seem All Right As Long As You Have a Dollar to Give Um.
You Know I Got a Fear of Running Out Of Dollars out There.....
You Know,
like When You Were a Kid, and You Went to the Animal Park Petting Zoo and You Ran Out Of Peanuts. Then That Big Swan Started Trying to Eat Your Earlobe Off.

(Add Laughter Here)

I Wonder.....
Are Them Drunks like That When You Run Out Of Dollars to Give Um?
Do They Start Trying to Eat Your Earlobes Off?

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 5 the Mexican)

It Kind of Reminds Me of the First Time I Ever Seen a Mexican.....
I Was Trying out the Mexican Language for the First Time,
Now I Learned It While I Was Ridin’ the Greyhound out To Los Angeles From Atlanta.
A Real Nice Black Man Said He Was from Los Angeles and He Knew How to Talk Mexican Perfect.

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
He Taught Me How to Say;
"Meta Meta Yo Chinga Sumadr'E Me Mighty-Kong Muchachos, Que Paso",
And That Means;
"Hello-Hello How Are You?, Fine I Hope, My Friend, What Is Your Name?"

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
I See This Mexican Coming up.
He Looked More like an Indian To Me, Kind of Redskin, You Know.....
And I Walked up to Him and Said;"Meta Meta Yo Chinga Sumadr'E Me Mighty-Kong
Muchachos,Que Paso....."

(Add Laughter Here)

Then He Turned around and Looked at Me Real Crazy.....
I Could Already Tell He Was Drunk,
I Could Smell the Beer on Him.....
And He Started Talking Fast and Waving His Arms around,
Pointing at His Head and at His Heart,
Then He Started Pointing on My Head and on My Heart.....
At That Point I Knew I'd Better Do Something Quick,
That This Boy Was Having a Seizure or Something.....

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
I Threw Him down on the Ground and Put My Old Toothbrush in His Mouth....
As so He Wouldn't Bite His Tongue Off.....
I Always Carried It Just in Case of Emergency.....
Yep,
Got It Right Here.

(Add Ticking Sound of Tooth Brush On Stool)

(Add Laughter Here)

You Know My Granddaddy,
He Used to Have Them Fits When the Sugar Truck Didn't Come.
We Used To Have To Hold Him down and Put a Block of Wood in His Mouth.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Early on Though We Didn't Have Them Plastic Toothbrushes,
Back Then All We Had Was Those Old Metal Ones,
And They Had Already Broke Granddaddys Teeth Out Using That Metal One.....

(Add Laughter Here)

About That Time the Dentist Told Us That We Should Use Something Softer,
Like Wood,
It's Crazy,
When The Dentist Told Us That, You Have To Understand, My Cousin Is Little Fag, And He Took It the Wrong Way.....
I'd Always Have To Watch Him All the Time, Especially if Granddaddy Was Alone in His Room.....
You Know Just in Case Granddaddy Would Start Having One of His Fits.....
Because My Cousin Was Always Trying to Put His Wood in His Mouth.....

(Add Laughter Here)

You Know, I Would Have To Beat Is Ass Almost Everyday!
My Cousin Wasn't All There You Know,
His I.Q. Isn't As High As Mine,
And On Top Of It He Was Sexually Challenged Too.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Well Anyway.....
That's What I Told the Judge, And He Let Me Go, Since He Saw I Was From Atlanta
and the Mexican Was Drunk.....

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 6 The Kiicle)


Now That Waddn't Too Bad,
I Was All Right after I Got Out Of the City Jail.
Then I Started Trying to Find a Motel to Stay In.
I Felt like an Earthling on a Martian Planet.....
Or so It Seemed.....
These Motel Prices Are Skyhigh In LA!
Its Incredible! It's Unbelievable!
I Think It's The Delivery: West Coast That Cost so Much.
And Everywhere I Went To Get a Room,
Was Full,
All Kind of Kids in Those Rooms Partyin’ All the Time.
Boy, Do Ever I Feel Sorry for Those Kids When Their Parents Get Those Credit Card Bills!

(Add Laughter Here)

Hold on, Now Hold on.....
I'm Not through Telling the Story.....
Finally,
I Found a Nice Place to Stay for the Right Price,
This Old Motel on SoHo Street in Los Angeles,
Called The Kiickle,
You Might Know It,
There's Egyptian Marble All in the Lobby,
With These Nice Lights Hanging down from the Ceiling and Statues Everywhere.....

Yep, Guessed It.
Well,
I Was Dead Tired from Trying to Find Room.
So I Gave the Desk Clerk My Credit Card and Hurried on up to My Suite.....
And Lo and Behold,
As Soon As I Got into the Room,
I No More Than Set My Bags down and I Had to Go the Toilet,
Real Bad,
I mean Really Bad,
Like Mexican Food Surprised Bad!
Uh Uhn, Yea, You Know What I'm Talking about, Don't Ya?

(Add Laughter Here)

(Amen Brother, from Audience Response Here)

I Opened the Door That Was in the Room Expecting to Find a Bathroom and All I Found Was an

(Add Sound Affect of a Squeaky Opening Door Closet Door & Add Reverb and Field Volume Here to:)

"Empty Closet"

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
I Pick up the Phone and Call the Number on the Receipt,
Thinkin’ I Would Get Better Service from an outside Call to the Front Desk,
And a Recording Comes on the Phone And Says; "(Insert Tape Reel Here Cecil on Message on Local Calls Add Money Etc. Or Girl On Vox)"
So What Happens If You Have To Dial 911.....
You Die!!

(Add Laughter Here)

And I Still Got to Go to the Toilet and There Ain't No Toilet In Sight,
And I See on the Telephone I Can Call Other Rooms,
Now I Was a Little Embarrassed,
Well It Was Either That or Use One of Those Plastic Grocery Bags You Know the Kind With the Two Handles on Um.....
So I Called and Called And Finally,
I Got Someone on the Phone.....
And I Said;" I Don't Mean to Bother You Sir, But I've Got to Use the Toilet Real Bad And This Room Ain't Got No Toilet in It....."

(Add Laughter Here)

And He Interrupted Me Real Quick and Said;" What You Want to Me to Do about That
Shit?, They Didn't Give Me No Toilet in Here Either,"
Then He Said; "Cracker You Just Got to Go out in the Hall."
And When He Said That,
I Started Having One of Those Bad Nerve Attacks!
Every Time That Happens I Start Sneezing and It Causes My Blood Pressure to Go up and My Nose Starts Itching!!

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
I'm Standing There on the Phone,
Sneezing and Itching with Montezuma's Revenge Running down My Legs Into My Boots.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Then He Says;

(Ad Volume and Reverb Here to:)

"I Got the Bomb and Its on!!!"
And at That Point I Didn't Give a Damn About Shit and I Told Him That I Don't Care If You Got a Bomb or Not.....
Go Ahead and Blow Us up.
I Just Lost My House,
My Wife, My Kids, My Job and I Slammed down the Phone.

(Add Laughter Here)

And after a Little While I Started Getting Real Scared.....
So,
I Go out in the Hall Lookin’ and Listinin’,
Ridin’ up and down the Elevator Goin’ Room to Room and Listinin’ at the Doors to See If I
Could Hear Anyone or Find Anyone Talking about That Bomb!

(Add Laughter Here)

You're Not Going to Believe This,
But.....
While I Was Ridin’ the Elevator There Was These Same Girls,
They Looked like They Couldn't Afford a Room,
They Were Ridin’ the Elevator up and down with Me,
And Every Time I Would Get in the Elevator They Would Keep Asking Me.....
If I Was All Right,
And I Would Say; "Yeah I'm All Right. How Are You Doin’?"
Now after about The Third Time This One Girl Asked Me If I Was All Right,
I Knew She Could Probably Tell I Was Upset Because I Was Wearin’ Wet Clothes.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Yeah,
You Guessed It......
I Found Somewhere to Go to the Toilet.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Felt like I Owed Her Some Kind of Explanation,
So I Told Her the Truth.
I Couldn't Hold It in Any More.....
I Told Her That I Was Looking for Some One That I Had Talked to on the Phone,
That Said He Had a Bomb.....
And That Little Girl Cut Me off in the Middle of What I Was Saying, and Said;" I Got the Bomb Too!"
And Then I Just Cursed Myself for Coming To This Motel the Same Night That These Damn
Terrorist Decided to Come.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Then the Elevator Stopped

(Add Sound Base Thump a Elevator Stopping)

In Between Floors And I Started Crying,
I Said Please-Please.....
She Interrupted Me, Again And Said; "What's
Wrong Ain't You Got No Money? She Said Don't Worry They Got a ATM Just around the Corner, I
Said No-No, That's All Right, I Got All My Money Right Here!
I Ain't Got a Bank Account in Los Angeles Yet.....
Here You Can Have It, Here You Can Have It All, Just Don't Kill Us.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And She Let Me off the Elevator Alive.....

(Add Laughter Here)

So I Went Right Away down to the Hotel Desk Clerk and Told Him That One of Those Terrorist
with a Bomb Got All My Money.....
And That Stupid Son of a Bitch Said; "That's What You Get For Fucking around What That Dope....."

(Add Laughter Here)

That Terrorist Must've Already Gotten to Him.....
He Seemed to Already Know Her.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Unfucking Believable!

(Number 7 Shooting Erotic Models)

Since I've Been in Southern California I Found out These Folks out Here Got Classes and Courses on Just about Everything under the Sun.....
But in My Travels around Town I Picked up a Little Magazine Flyer for

(Volume and Reverb Here to:)

"Learning New Career Techniques"
I Was Particularly Drawn to One Ad.....
It Read

(Volume and Reverb Here to:)

"Learn to Shoot Erotic Models"

(Add Laughter Here)

Now When I Was Growing up My Grandmother "God Rest Her Soul",
She Used to Curse Those Dirty Magazine Girls,
Every Time She Would Catch Me Looking through Dads
"Dirty Magazines Stash....."

(Add Laughter Here)

She Would Say Those Women Should Just Be Shot,
So Now I Find out I Can Finally Honor My Grandmother's Wishes.....
"God Rest Her Soul"
I Can't Believe It!
I Can Even Get Paid for Shooting Erotic Models!
So,
I Call the Company That Provides the Expert Training Course,
So As I Can.....

(Volume and Reverb Here to:)

"Learn to Shoot Erotic Models"

(Add Laughter Here)

So I Called and Talked to Them a Little While and Found out That They Go out and Even Get the Erotic Models and Have Them Ready to Shoot!
I Couldn't Believe It.
All That for $45!
So I Got Real Excited!
Boy If My Grandmother Could See Me Now "God Rest Her Soul"
(Crowd Joins in with God Rest Her Soul Here)

Now the Only Thing Is That I Had to Get a 35mm or a 70 mm to Shoot Um with.....
Now,
I Went to Every Gun Store in Town and I Could Not Find a 70 mm or a 35mm Gun Any Where.....

(Add Uproar Laughter Here)

Unbelievable!
Only in Hollywood.....

You're Not Going to Believe This but.....
I Was Forced into Becoming a Street Performer Due to Lack-O-Money,
Yeah,
Down on the Beach on the Boardwalk.....
Now One Evening after I Got Done Rehearsing My Show This Man Comes up to Me and Ask
If I Could Find Him a TV and That If I Could Get One With a Boobs Job,
And He Wanted Me to Bring One With a Small Cock.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now Right and Then There, I Knew, I Was Dealing with Another Nutcase,
Why in the World Would Anybody Want to Have a Boobs Job Everybody Knows That Boobs Don't Make That Much Money.....
You See Them Boobs Holding Those Signs on the Side of the Road,
They Only Make About $35 a Day.....
And I Ain't Never Seen Them Advertise for One of Those Boobs Jobs on Any TV Programs,
And Now,
Why in the Hell Would He Want the Man That Was Selling the TV to Bring a Small Cock with Him?


(Add Laughter Here)

I Didn't Know What Tell This Fella’ to Go to the Best Buys or to the Emergency Room.....
So I Told Him That He Could
Get a Real Good Deal on a TV at EBays Online,

(Add Laughter Here)

But about the Job,
I Said;" You Ain't Gonna’ Have No Trouble Finding a Job, Cause You Are Definitely a Boob"!

(Add Laughter Here)

But I Told Him That He Probably Waddn't Going to Find Any Small Cock in Southern California.....
That All the Cocks I Had Seen Out Here Had Been Pretty Big Ones,

(Add Laughter Here)

I Guess That's Cause of How Rich Folks Take Such Good Care of Um.....
Then I Ask Him If Two Mallard Ducks Would Do?
That There Was a Couple of Them over in the Cement Pond by The Pictures Studios.....

(Add Laughter Here)


(Number 8 Laundry and Catholic School)

No, No, No, Now Wait Just a Minute.....
This Story Ain't through,
Now about My Fourth Month in Hollywood I Found out That Catholic Schools Need Porno Stores so the Catholic Girls Can Tell the Catholic Boys What to Do.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Believe It or Not.....
While Working As a Part-Time Street Performer Waiting for My Big-Time Debut,
I Went down in the Varrio to a New Laundromat That Had Just Opened to Use Their Brand New Maytags Giant Economy Size Washers for My Shangri-La Comforters You Know My Magic Carpet Flying Bed Set.....
You Can Take It with You and You Fly and Make a Shangri-La Bed When You Set.....
You Folks out Here in Southern California Know about Magic Carpet Flying Bed Sets Don't Ya?

(Add Laughter Here)
Yeah Well Anyway.....
Now While I Was Doing Laundry,
I Went Next Door to the Convenience Slash Porno Video Rental Store.....
And Oooohh-Weeee!
It Had Private Screening Rooms, with Big Plasma TVs for DVD and Tissues and Everything!

(Add Laughter Here)

I Guess That The Tissues Was in Case You Started Missing Your Wife and Start Crying,
Cause You Were Are Feeling Guilty for Watching Porno DVDs without Her.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now,
Right across the Street Was a Nice Big Catholic School.....
You Know the Kind with a Soccer Field and Track and Everything like That.....
So, I Get Thirsty Again,
I'm Addicted to Root Beer, I Can't Help It,
Now I Walk in the Convenience Slash Porno Video Rental Store.....
And Low and Behold,
There Are Two,
Count Um,
Two Little Young Catholic Girls Coming Out Of One of Those Viewing Booths,
And They Were Laughin’ and Gigglin’ like They Had Seen Sex for the First Time.....

(Add Laughter Here)

That's How Young They Were,
And Me Being a Responsible Citizen That I Am,
I Confronted Them and Said;
"Hey, What Are You Two Girls Doing in There?"
And They Answered and Said;" Where on Education Field Trip, Our Teacher Gave Us an
Assignment That We Should Watch Three Segments of a Pornographic Video or DVD and Write a Report for Our Term Paper.....
Now We Have To Read It in Front of the Boys in the Class....."

(Add Laughter Here)

Unbelievable!
I Wish I Could Have Gone to a Catholic School.....
So All the Pretty Little Girls in the Class Could Read Me a Report On Sex Videos!

(Add Laughter Here)

So after a Shock Wore off I Became Interested.....

(Add Sounds of Shock and Allowed Yelping and Coughing)

So I Asked the Girls How Much for Copy of That Term Paper.....
They Quipped Meet Together in Time, Sayin’;" It's Not for Sale"!

(Add Laughter Here)


(Number 9 Hissing Bushes)

Now I Mean to Tell You Boys and Girls It Gets Downright Cold in These Parts.....
And God Knows I've Spent My Share of Nights out.....
But There's One Thing That I Ain't Never Seen Anywhere Else but in Southern California.....
People Wearing Winter Coats in 85° Weather.....

(Add Laughter Here)

On the Bus,
with the Windows Shut and Heat on!

(Add Laughter Here)

Now I'm Sitting There Wearin' a Wind Breaker,
Wringing Wet,
So I Pull the Jacket off,
And Start to Opening Windows,
So I Don't Pass out from Heat Stroke.....
And These Folks Look at Me like I'm Out Of My Mind.....

(Add Laughter Here)


Especially the Ones with the Real Big Coats On,
Sitting Back in the Rear of the Bus by the Engine Panel, Where It's Nice and Hot!
I Felt Kind of Bad,
Well I Had Some Chili Peppers That I Had Just Got,
And I Offered Them Ones Look in the Craziest Some Chiles.....
I Said; "If You're Cold?",
Just Eat One of These and It'll Have You Popping Sweat in No Time!

(Add Laughter Here)

Now I'll Tell You Another Thing about Those Chilies,
You Just Have To Nip at Them Things.
I Remember the First Time I Had One,
I Thought It Was a Banana Pepper and I Bit into That Thing with a Mouthful,
Now I Was Sure That I Had Been Poisoned with a Battery Acid Laced Banana Pepper!

(Add Laughter Here)

I Started Choking and Crying,
I Had to Dial 911,
And after They Gave Me a Tranquilizer and a Shot for Pain,
They Taught Me How to, Nip, at Chiles......

(Add Laughter Here with Small Applause)

I Think That's What Makes Mexican Jumping Beans Jump,
Is That Chile Nitro,
All They Got to Do Is Put Them Beans in Some of That Chile Nitro, It's so Damn Hot Um, It Bleaches Um out, Completely White,
Then They Just Start To Jerking and Jumping.....
Yeah! That Chile Nitro Is Dangerous Material.....
I Can’t Believe How Those Latinos Can Eat Those Things like They Do.....
I've Even Seen a Baby Sucking on One like a Pacifier.....

(Add Laughter Here)

It's Unbelievable at The Temperatures That Those Latinos Can Endure.....
Now after That the,
Heat Shock Therapy Wore off,
I Fell into a Daydream Trance.....
Hypnotized by the Business Signs and the Pretty Girls Walking down the Street.....
And by the Time I Came Out Of the Trance.....
I Was at the End of the Line on Ocean Blvd.,
Santa Monica Beach,
California.

Now Ain't That Beach Nice?

(Add Applause Here)

So I Started Walking down Ocean Blvd,
Takin’ in the Scenery and I Crossed over to Ocean Park,
And I Could Hear the Surf Breakin’ a Little Bit above the Traffic Noise,
And Thangs Started Calmin’ down a Little Bit......
And I Started Thankin’ to Myself.....
You Know This Place Ain't That Bad.....
And All Of A Sudden from behind I Hear This God-Awful Spitting and Hissing,
And I Knew for Sure
That It Was One of Those Desert Sidewinder Vipers That Had Got into Some of That Chile Nitro!

(Add Laughter Here)

And I Started Shootin’!

(Pow, Pow -- Pow Add Sound Affect of Large Caliber Pistol 44 Magnum Going off Three Shots Here)

And All Of A Sudden All These Terrorist That Was Hiding in the Bushes
Came Runnin’ and Jumpin' out and Tackled Me to the Ground,
Took My Pistol,
Then They Started Saying;" What in the Hell Are You Doin’ out Here Shooting This Damn Gun for,
Who Are You Trying to Kill?"
And Mr. Let Me Tell You, I Started Having One of Those Bad Nerve Attacks!
I Started Sneezing and Shittin’ Myself,

(Add Laughter Here)

And I Guess One of Them Terrorists Thought I Was Having Some Kind of Seizure or Something And Took out a Rubber Dildo and Shoved It in My Mouth!


(Add Laughter Here)

Then a Couple of Motorcycle Cops Pulled up Right on the Grass,
And They Arrested Every One of Them Terrorists.....
And Give Me My Gun Back
And Told Me to Have a Nice Evening.....
So I Went to the Restroom and Cleaned Myself up......

Unbelievable!
Only in Hollywood.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Y'all Pardon Me while, While I Take a Cool Drink.....

(Play Partial Re-mastered I Don't Need No Doctor Here)
(Intermission One Minute)

(Number 10 Cursed Food)

Now I Want to Tell You a Little Bit about Hell and My Childhood!

(Add Laughter Here)

When I Was about 10 Years Old,
I Would Take Trips Out Of Atlanta up to North Georgia to My Granddaddys' Old Home Place,
That We Call; "The Country",
And I Remember Back Now.....
He Would Never Say Grace Over His Food,
That Man Always Ate Cursed Food!
And He Was Convinced That He Was in Hell!

(Hooting Sounds and Applause Here)

Now I Told My Girlfriend the Same Thang, and She Said;" There Ain't No Such Thang As Cursed Food....."
and I Said; "OOOhh, Yeah There Is, and It Takes a Long Time to Curse It Too......"
Granddaddy Would Have To Start Early in the Morning, about Nine O, Clock And He Would Start Sayin’;" I've Got to Have a Drink, So I Can Make That Damn Supper Here in a Little While!"
Then He Would Slip a Jar of Whiskey Out Of the Flowerpot from on Top of the Pantry in the Kitchen.....
He Said He Kept It There in Case It Got Too Hot in the Kitchen,
So It Wouldn't Explode!
Yeah Right.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Then He Would Sip on That Whiskey for about Two or Three Hours,
And about That Time He Would Start Huffin’ and Puffin’ and Making Heavy Breathing Sounds.
And Usually in the Fourth Hour of His Preparation,
He Would Call out;" Dammit Where in the Hell Are My Cigars"
He Was Calling on My Cousin Dammit,
Cause He Told Him a Long Time Ago;
"When I Say Dammit You Come Running"
And He Was Always Complaining about This Place Being Hell,
Sayin’; "What in the Hell Is This Or What in the Hell Is That"
Grandmother Would Always Tell Him He Should Ask Satan
What the Hell This Is or What the Hell That Is That!

(Add Laughter Here)

So.....
My Cousin Dammit Would Go Right Away Out To That Old Broke Down Pickup Truck and Get Granddaddy's Cigars,
That Grandmother "God Rest Her Soul"

(And Audience Participation God Rest Her Soul Statement)

Had Hid Out There,
Because She Knew That Granddaddy Would Not Go Anywhere near That Truck.....
Why?
He Had Cursed That Thing When I Was Only Just Seven Years Old.

(Add Laughter Here)

He Used to Tell Me And My Cousin Dammit Every Time We Would Go outside;
"You Kids Don't Go Anywhere around That Damn Old Broke down Pickup Truck"

(Add Laughter Here)

Then He Would Start Settin’ Cigars on Fire.....
He Would Light One and Smoke It, and Leave One Burnin’ in the Ashtray.....
I Think That He Left That One Burnin’ in the Ashtray to Scare off Those Things That Were Trying to Kill Him.....
Because, He Was Always Sayin’;" These Damn Things Are Going to Kill Me One Day!"
And We Still Ain't Figured out What Them Damn Things Was, That Was Going to Kill Him One Day.....

(Add Laughter Here)

He Would Get Scared of Um Every Time He Would Start Drinkin’ and Smoking, Gettin’ Ready to Curse That Food.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Then about That Time, My Grandmother "God Rest Her Soul" Would Totter On in,
She Didn't Get around to Well,
She Said It Was from Too Many Bad Batches.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Oh You Laugh Now!
But As Kids We Didn't Know What Them Batches Was.....
But We Knew Them Things Was Bad.....
And They Could Hurt You Real Bad.....
And Make You Where You Couldn't Walk nor See That Good Anymore!
I Want To Let You Know That I'm Fierce-Um Scared of Them Bad Batches!

(Add Laughter Here)

And I Still Don't Know What Them Damn Things Was.....
But I Know I Don't Want Any of Um, Around Me!

(Add Laughter Here)

And Then My Grandmother "God Rest Her Soul" Would Say;" Daddy Ain't It about Time for Us to Eat Supper....."
And He Would Put That Cigar Out and Pull Out His Pocket Watch and He Would Say;
"Momma It's Too Damn Late for Supper, We're Just Gonna’ Have To Go Ahead and Fix Damn Dinner!"
While He Was Slowly Slipping That Jar Whiskey down In the Couch behind The Pillar,
So Grandmother "God Rest Her Soul", Couldn't See It, As She Was Coming in.....

(Overlay Audience Participation God Rest Her Soul)

(Add Laughter Here)


Then He Would Jump up like He Had Dropped Fire on His Lap,
And He Would Grab Granny With a Quickness,
And Throw Her down the Couch and Give Her a Big Kiss Saying; "You Rest Right Here, and I'll Go Fix the Damn Dinner....."
So,
He Would Go into the Kitchen and Put on a Mess of Fried Chicken, Tatars, Beans and Grits.....
Then He Would Come Back in the Living Room and Tell Us Kids Sayin’;" I've Got That Damn Dinner Cookin’ You Kids Better Watch It, While Your Granny And Me Take a Rest"

(Add Laughter Here)

And us Kids Are Still Trying to Figure out What......
"IT" Was,
That We Were Supposed to Be Watching!

(Add Laughter Here)

And a Little While Would Pass,
Then the Chicken Would Start Cookin’ Real Good.....
You Know like They Do in Those Fancy Restaurants,
I Think They Call a Flambé.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And We Would Always Wake Granddaddy Up When the Chicken Started Cookin’ Real Good like That.....

(Add Laughter Here)

We Still Don't Know Where He Learned to Do That Fancy Cookin’ at,
I Know He Didn't Go to Any Cookin’ Schools,
He Must've Just Been a Natural.

(Add Laughter Here)

Then He Would Jump up and Start Cursing Right Away,
Saying;" Dammit, Dammit, Dammit"
Then Rush into the Kitchen with My Cousin Dammit Right behind Him.....
He Would Start Saying; "Dammit Get Out Of My Way, Get The Hell Out Of My Way"
And He Would Grab That Hot Skillet with That Damp Dish Towel, Cursin’ As He Was Going out the Door,
And This Is Where He Got Real Serious about Cursin’ that Dinner, He Would Start Calling on God.....
Sayin’;" God Damm It, God Damm It, God Dammit"

(Add Laughter Here and Hooting Sounds)

Then He Would Throw the Chicken onto the Grill Outside,
That One He Had Made Out Of That Old Triple Sink That Brodey Had Gave Him, after He Closed down the Hog Farm,
And He Would Just Keep Callin’ on God Sayin’;" God Damm It, God Damm It,--- God Dammit"
While He Put the Chicken Flambé Out with That Old Wet Dish Towel from in the Kitchen.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And Just As Soon As He Would Get That Part of the Cursin’ Done
He Would Holler out; "Come on Granny Dinner's Ready....."
And so I Argued with My Girlfriend and Told Her; "There Is Such a Thang As Cursed Food....."

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 11 the Drummer)

Now When I First Started Doing this Stand,
Back in the Golden Years.....
When I Still Had a Tan,
Well I Call them,
Golden Years.....
Cause It Was before I Went Platinum.....
Yeah,
I Went through a Metallic Stage,
I Would Open with Mime Using Invisible Walls.....
But Every Time I Would Put Um Up.....
I Got Trapped in There,
And I Couldn't Get out!

(Add Laughter Here)

I Wanna' Know, Have You Ever Been Locked in Four Walls With the Stage Lights On You?
Yeah!
It Gets Hot in There.....
And That platinum Make-Up Would Start Running.....
And All Of A Sudden I Was Looking like the Wicked Witch of the Wizard Of Oz, and All I Could Do Is Cry.....
No, No, No, I'm Melting.....
So I Would Cry,
As I Was Being Blinded by the Cakey Substance.....
It's Really Hard Trying to Fight Your Way of Those Invisible Walls with All That Make up in Your Eyes.....

(Add Laughter Here)

But I Knew How to Dial The Numbers on My Cell Phone in the Dark,
So I Would Just Close My Eyelids, and Dial 911 Rescue
And after a While,
I Didn't Have To Search The Numbers With My Fingers Any More,
My Fingers Already Knew Where to Go.....
And the Bad Part about It, Is.....
Everybody That Was Watching the Act,
Thought It Was Part of the Show.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And Every Night Paramedics Would Come Racing out in Their Ambulance,
And the Fire Department with the Jaws of Life,
Because I Would Tell Them That I Was Hung in between four Walls, And That I Was on Fire.....
And I Couldn't Find My Way out......


(Add Laughter Here)


(Number 12 Continued the Drummer Part ii)

Now I Used to Play with a Drummer, By and By,
Now As I Remember They Was Something Bad Wrong with Him,
Right before Every One Would Start Laughing.....
He Would Flinch and Hit them Drums,
Then He Would Catch Himself from Flinchin’....
And That Would Make Him Jerk Back the Other Way.....
And He Would Hit That Damn Symbol......
And He Did It so Fast You Couldn't Hardly Tell He Was Flinchin’,
They Couldn't Even Tell There Was Anything Wrong with Him!
And they Would Just Keep On Laughing.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Sure Am Glad They Was Already Laughing,
Cause I Didn't Want Him to Know That They Was Laughing at Him for Jerking
While I Was Telling My Story.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Think It's Because He Was like Granddaddy,
But He Didn't Keep His Whiskey a Jar,
He Would Drink Jin and Kept It in One of Them Clear Water Bottles.....
He Said He Would Have To Put It in There So In Case He Dropped It,
It Wouldn't Break.....
Yeah, Right.....
But You Know When They Drink That Stuff,
They Start That Nodding.....
And You Know, How You Fall off When You Get Tired,
Then You Catch Yourself and That Always Makes You Jerk Back The Other Way.....
I Think That's What Was Wrong with Him,
He Was Suffering from Rheumatism,
Rheumatism Is a Bad Disease,
When You Get It,
You Can't Do Anything but Drink......
Seems Like Their Is A Whole Lot Of People In Southern California Suffering From Rheumatism.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now,
I Thought That the Sunshine Was Good for That Stuff,
But They Stay out All Night!
Anyway,
I Saw My Old Drummer Buddy the Other Day,
He Was out in the Streets Playing with His Drum Set,
I Guess He Had Gotten So Damn Mad,
He Couldn't Stop Beatin’ Hell Out Of Them Drums.....
Even for One Minute.....
To Say Hello to Me or Any-thang,
And Folks Was Walking by and Dropping Money on the Ground in Front of Him,
I Knew They Was Feeling Sorry for Him,
Cause They Could See That He Was Afflicted.....
I Used to Ask Him; "How Come You Flinch so Hard All the Time on Those Drums?"
He Always Would Get a Good Rhythm Going,
Then He Would Change It Right in the Middle of It,
And Do Something Else.....
Now,
I Know This Boy Had Big Troubles,
Because,
He Said He Was Cursed with Beatin’ the Hell Out Of The Drums,
I Don't Know Why He Thought that Hell Was in His Drums.....
Yep!,
He Was Just Like Granddaddy.....

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 13 Dirty Nuts)

You Folks Know That the President Was out Here the Other Day during a Press Conference, And One of the Press Ask Him Sayin’;
"Mr. President What Are We Going to Do about Our Dirty Nuts out Here in California.....?"
And the President's Reply Was;" Well Son We're Just Going to Have To Clean Them up, And If They Can't Be Cleaned up, They're Just Going to Have To Be Removed.....!"
Then One of Those Sissy Liberal Type Smarted Off, Asking the Next Question Sayin’;" Will That Be a Vasectomy Removal or a Full Sex Change?"

(Add Laughter Here)

Unbelievable!
Only in Hollywood.....

These Fruits Out In California Just Trip Me Out Some Time.....

(Number 14 Carpenter)

Now I Remember Leaving the Old Home Place and Getting My Own House,
It Was Nice.
I Was Free.....
Finally Free from the Wheel of Fortune and TNN
The Nashville News Networks,
Everything Was Doing Fine and Time Passed on and I Got to Where I Wasn't Interested in Doing Anything except Watching X-Games, The Tractor Pull, And the WWF.....

(Add Laughter Here)


My Friends Would Even Come Over and Keep Me Company While I Was Watching TV Waiting for My Life To End,
So I Could Go to Redneck Heaven.
With No More Compact Cars,
Only Hot Rod Lincoln's and Harley-Davidson's,
No More Sissies in Silk Ties,
And Wet T-Shirt Contest at Every Meal,
And You Know Rednecks They Eat about Six Times A Day.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Well Soon,
My Friends Got Tired of Watching TV with Me and Drinking All of My Kool-Aid,
So I Was Left with the Last Best Buddy on Earth,
And No It Wasn't My Dog,
It Was One of Them Carpenters.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Yeah Wide Open, Wild As They Come, Full-Blown 1-Percenter Carpenter.....
Well He Come by the House One Day and He Was Drinkin’ and Listenin’ to That Loud Heavy-Metal Rock 'n Roll Music.....
Hollering and Getting Hot.....
I Knew He Was Just About Drunk,
So I Let Him in and Told Him to Make Himself at Home and to Relax.....
Then I Went in the Kitchen so I Could Make Him Some Dinner, to See If That Would Simmer Him off a Little Bit.....
Now While I Was in There Making the Dinner,
I Heard Stuff That Sounded like the House Was Fallin’ In!
Wood Creakin’ and Crackin’ and Snappin’,
But the House Wasn't Jigglin’ Or Shakin’,
I Knew That It Wasn't an Earthquake......
Right Away,
I Took off Runnin’ toward the Sound,
And That Damn Drunk Had Hooked the Winch of the Truck onto the Back Porch Deck,
All Way around and Was Pulling It off the House!
He Was Cursin’ That Thing and Kicking at That Winch Cable Saying;"God Dammit, Damm This Funking Shit.....
And I Could See the Winch Motor Smokin’ and It Started Growlin’ and Slippin’,
That Thang Locked up and He Started Calling on God Saying; "God Damm It, God Damm It,God Damm It, God Damm It"
And All Of A Sudden He Ran Around The Truck and Grabbed a Sledgehammer Out Of the Back
Then Started Beatin’ on the Rest of the Deck That Was Hanging on to the House.....
And I Hollered out; "Just What Do You Think You're Doing"
And He Said;" That the Deck Had Been Bothering Him,
And That He Was Scared of It Hurting Somebody.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Knew Right Then and There That My Carpenter Friend Had Spent One Day to Many in That Hot Sun,
So I Tried to Calm Him down Telling Him That the Deck Ain't Never Hurt Nobody.....
And That Every Thing Was going To Be Alright.

(Add Laughter Here)

But He Wouldn't Listen,
So He Just Kept Cursin’ That Thang While He Was Knocking Its Leaves Off With That Sledgehammer Saying;" You Damn Rotten Son of a Bitch Come on Lose.....!"
So I Just Give up on Him,
I Knew with Him Workin’ like That the Beer Would Wear off Soon.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Then, I Left Him Alone,
Went on out and Ate My Dinner.
Sure Enough When He Got Done He Came in Looking Worn Out,
And Started Telling Me How Sorry He Was for tarrin’ the Deck Down and Leaving It in the Yard Like That.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And I Told Him That's All Right,
That We Never Used the Deck Anyway

(Add Laughter Here)

So He Started Telling Me;" Don’t Worry Either",
That He Was Going to Come Back Early in the Morning and Fix It Up Just like New,
And Get up the Mess That He Had Made.....
I Was Right Proud of Him for Ownin’ up to His Mistake and Putting Back What He Had Torn up.
Sure Enough He Came Back the Next Morning and Fixed It As Good As New,
But I Had to Tell Him,
That If He Was Going to Be Drinkin’ He Couldn't Come Back over Here Anymore,
Either That or He Would Have To Stop Drinkin’ Altogether.....

(Add Laughter Here)

I Was Trying to Talk Some Sense into Him......
And He Sassed Me Saying; "That He Got Drunk and Pulled down Decks All the Time!"
Now, I Was Just beside Myself,
I Couldn't Figure out How He Paid for all Them Decks.....
So I Ask Him, How Can You Afford to Pay for All That Stuff You Tear up?
And He Said; "That His Boss Puts It on the Company Account Credit Card....."
Damm, He Must Have a Nice Boss!
When I Was Workin’ on Any-thang,
If I Broke It,
I Didn't Have Anybody to Pay for My Mistakes.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Yeah, You Gotta' Watch out for Them 1-Percenter Wild Ass Carpenters.....

(Number 15 Running in Hollywood)

You Know, I Used to Not Have a 24-Hour Limousine to Ride In,
People out Here Just Ain't Got No Horse Sense,
I Used to Have To Ride the Bus,
Yeah and Do A Lot Of Walking’.....
Then I Realized,
That People in Southern California Are Completely out to Lunch,
Not Playing with a Full Deck,
A Full Boat with A Few Screws Loose.....
Yep!
Every Evenin’ around Five or Six O'clock I Would Be on My Way Back from the Beach,
Where I Was Tryin’ to Find Some Partners for Business.
I Would See the Same People Running in the Night Air with Just Shirt Sleeves and Nylon Blouses and Short Skirts.....
Now It Gets Cold When the Sun Goes down in the Desert,
And I Was Trying to Figure out,
Why They Didn't Have Their Coats on In That Cool Weather?,
Californians Are Crazy!
They Wear Their Coats When It's 85° and Take It Off When it Goes down to 50°,
What's Wrong with That Picture?
And They Call Me A Freak.....!!

(Add Laughter Here)

So,
I Finally Figured It out,
Since They Don't Report to Work to around Twelve O'clock in the Afternoon,
Those Ones at the Beach Left Their Coats in Their Cars,
And on the Bus They Ain't Got No Where to Put Their Coats,
So They Just Had to Keep Wearing Um.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now I'm Really Worried about Those Ones That Are around the Beach.....
You'd Figure after a Couple of Days of That Running Back and Forth to the Car With out Their Coats,
Because Their Coats Was in the Car,
They Would Bring in Day Pack with or a Sweater or Something with Them.....
They Just Ain't Got Any Good Horse Sense.....
Who Wants to Work All Day and Then Have To Jog A Mile to the Car Cause You're Cold?

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 16 Bath Lobby)

Now I've Just Got to Tell You about High Style Architecture Design and Hotels,
As I Recall.....
When I First Started to Tour In Vegas, I Wasn't Used to the Architecture in Them the Casino Hotels.....
I Was Playing This Casino for the First Time,
My Producer, Manager and Studio Head Was There,
Right before the Show We Were Having Champagne and Burning Cigars and Every-thang,
It Was Just about Time To Hit the Dressing Room and I Had to Go Pee Real Bad.....
I Was Trying to Hold It,
I Didn't Want to Go All the Way Backstage,
So I Got One of the Waitresses to Escort Me to the Men's Room Lobby Area or Lounge Or Whatever They Call It.....
It Was a Great Big Hall with Entertainers Pictures on the Wall and Couches And Mirrors on the Walls.
And I Think They Put All That Nice Architecture and Design together So You Can Relax,
You Know,
So You Can Feel Comfortable before You Have To Go Pee!
It's Hard to Go Pee without Somebody Standing Next to You
It's Kind of like When You're at the Bank Teller in Southern California and There's a Line of 10 People behind You and You Only Want to Get $50 out but You're Pressured into Getting $300 Out.....
So You Can Feel Confident That They Don't Think You're Broke.....

(Add Laughter Here)

So I Strolled in Confident That I Was Going to Have a Good Long Piss,
Start to Finish, with Nobody Looking at My Pee-Pee

(Add Laughter Here)

Now all I Can Think about Was Hurrying up and Getting Back to My Business at Hand of Signin’ a New Record Deal,
They Were Finally Going to Syndicate and Vindicate My Showmanship

(Stretch Voice Effects on)

"Oh Yeah"

(Add Applause Here)

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Now I'm Not Finished yet.....
Now Walk in the Room And All along the Walls There Is Sinks and Towels On Racks,
Along The Other Wall, It Was Just Marble and Little Drains All along the Floor,
And I Don't See a Toilet or a Stall To Piss in Any Where,
Then I Saw the Sign, It Said Pisa Majaro,
I Guess That Was Navajo for Piss in the Jar.....

(Add Applause Here)

It Was Just My Luck That They Was Emptying Those Jars,
Cause I Didn't See One Anywhere.....
That's Probably What Those Drains Was for to Catch That Piss If the Jars Got to Full,
And in the Lights,
In There,
Was Sensors to Let Them Know When They Were Overflowin’, so They Could Come and Take Um and Empty Um Out.....
Now I Got so As That I Couldn't Hold It No More,
Waitin’ on Them Jars to Come Back
Then I Seen the Other Side of the Sign.....
It Said Wet floor,
And I Figured out Them Drains Was a Urinal,
So I Started Pissing on That Marble Wall and Sure Enough That Piss Went Right down That Drain,

(Add Laughter Here)

And It Had Kind of a Sucking Wind on It, So You Couldn't Smell the Hot Pee While You Was Pissing.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now Ain't That Fancy I Like Them Six Star Casino Bathrooms with Them Sucker Vent Urinals! That's The The Top Of The World Man!

(Add Laughter Here)

(Number 17 L-A-P-D)

Now Finally I Got Some Recognition in the World.....
I Signed a Full Partnership with the Brand New Studio.....
I Produced, Directed and Starred in My Own Comedy Show,
I Was All Balls to Four Walls,
I Mean Wall to Wall and Tree Top Tall and I Was Feeling Cocky,
Show Me The Money!
Now Late One Night
Me And My Sound Engineer Was out Taunting Them Wall Crawlers down in LA.....
You Know Every One of Them Drunks Just Live out There,
When They Get Tired They Just Lay down Where Ever They End Up At That Day.....

(Add Laughter Here)

It's a Damn Shame!

Anyway,
Me and My Engineer Decided to Get Some Black Fatigues and Some Security Badges from the Military Surplus Stores and Go down There and Throw Them Drunks in Shock......

(Add Laughter Here)

So We Got Dressed out in Our Black Cat Uniforms and I Was Driving a Black ACER Anyway,
And My Engineer Drove and I Got in the Back and We Went Flyin’ down the Road and Slid up to the Curb with the Damn Tires Smokin’......
I Jumped out and Produced My Badge and Screamed Put Your Hands behind Your Head! Get on the Ground! Get on the Ground! Get on the Ground! Get Down Now!
Now Why Them Damn Drunks Drink out Of These Little Glass Test Tubes in The Shadows,
I Don't Know.....?

(Add Laughter & Applause Here)

At That Point They Started throwing Them Little Test tube Glasses & Pea Gravel at Us.....
They Must've Forgot Their Slingshots.....

(Add Laughter Here)

So I Got a little Scared That They Was Gonna' Take Out Slingshots Start Shooting the Gravel at Us,
I Hollered Out Saying;" Step Away from Them Rocks Right Now, Or You're All Going to Jail!

(Add Laughter Here)

Then They Started Talking about These Ain't No Rocks It's Just My Cigarette I Dropped and I Told Them That I Seen Um Pick up the Rocks.....
And before I Could Finish They Started Crying and Telling Us about How They Was Addicted to Drugs and That They Couldn't Help It
Then They All Brought Us That Pea Gravel and Said; "Here, Here's the Rocks Just Don't Take Us to Jail.....

(Add Laughter Here)

Now I Was Just Laughing and My Ass Off Inside.....
So,
I Told Them Well,
If You Take off Running and Run As Far As I Can't See You Any More,
I Won't Take You to Jail.....

(Add Laughter Here)

And Then Them Drunks Took Off like Cats with Kerosene on Their Asses,
And I Kept This Bag of Pea Gravel for a Souvenir.....

(Producer Back of Wax Rock P. Gravel and Hold It up in a Clear Baggy and Say;" Now Here's You A Souvenir
and Throw It into the Crowd")
Play Michael Jackson You've Got to Be Starting Somethin' on Closing


Mr. Robert P Parker As:
Paris A Fountain
Copyright 2006 All Rights Reserved