Dead Parrots

My favorite skit of all time! I first got into Monty Python through this skit. The Pythons, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, and Michael Pailin, are six of the funniest men in England to this day! This is one of my most personal favorite skits of all the Monty Python’s Flying Circus series I have seen. I quote most of it from time to time. It basically goes like this:

Venus from the painting, Birth of Venus, falls into a goldfish tank. The camera moves from the tank into a pet shop. A man, John Cleese, walks into the pet shop with a bird cage in his hand.

Cleese: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

The shopkeeper, Michael Pailin, pops up from the counter from whatever he’s doing and looks at the man.

Cleese: Hello, Miss?

The shopkeeper takes out his cigarette and looks at him.

Pailin: What do you mean, miss?

A short pause comes between the men.

Cleese: Oh I'm sorry, *The audience laughs* I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Pailin: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

Cleese: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Pailin: Oh yes, the, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?

Cleese: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. *Camera zooms in closer* It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Pailin: No, no, it's resting, look!

Cleese: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Pailin: No, no sir. It’s not dead. It's resting!

Cleese: Resting?

Pailin: Yeah, remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?

Cleese: The plumage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.

Pailin: No, no - it's just resting!

Cleese: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake him up!

The man then turns to the cage and yells at it.

Cleese: Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!

Shopkeeper hits the cage.

Pailin: There, it moved!

The man turns back to the shopkeeper.

Cleese: No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage!

Pailin: I did not.

Cleese: Yes, you did!

The man opens the cage, takes out the parrot, and shouts at it.

Cleese: Hello Polly, Polly!

The man hits it against the counter.

Cleese: Polly Parrot, wake up!

The man hits the parrot against the counter again.

Cleese: Polly!

The man throws the parrot up into the air. It hits the floor with a thud.

Cleese: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Pailin: No, no. It's stunned.

Cleese: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

Pailin: It's probably pining for the fjords.

Cleese: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Pailin: The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on its back! Beautiful bird, lovely plumage!

Cleese: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Pailin: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

Cleese: Look matey!

The man picks up the dead parrot.

Cleese: This parrot wouldn't voom if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Pailin: It's not, it's pining!

Cleese: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!

A moment of silence comes.

Pailin: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

The shopkeeper turns back to the counter to work out the deal. The man turns to the camera.

Cleese: If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

The shopkeeper returns his attention back to the man.

Pailin: Sorry guy, we're right out of parrots.

Cleese: I see. I see. I get the picture.

There is a pause.

Pailin: I got a slug.

Cleese: Does it talk?

Pailin: Not really, no.

Cleese: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

Pailin: Listen, I'll tell you what.

The shopkeeper hands him a card.

Pailin: Tell you what; if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.

Cleese: Bolton eh?

Pailin: Yeah.

There is a pause.

Cleese: All right.

Then, the man takes the parrot and leaves.

That’s the whole story in a nutshell!