Restaurant Jokes
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
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Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".
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Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with
two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please
help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger
fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had
offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one
replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse
whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla,
strawberry, and chocolate."
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Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at
the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
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A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for
survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became
thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely
conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry,
sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he
brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent
about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched
body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged
at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired,
"May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
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A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a
corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with
corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's a Midnight Special?"
"A triple Decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion,
pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread
and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion,
pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, un toasted!"
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
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Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, that's because it was only ground this morning.
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Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
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Waiter, I can’t seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup.
Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
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Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
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And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was...
Attributed to Graucho Marx
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Waiter: These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.
Diner: Well, bring me some you haven’t had around for that long.
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Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."
How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
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