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Now Playing: Audioslave- Doesn't Remind Me
There is one thing that saves me from losing my head when he is awake. I whisper it so softly that sometimes I cannot hear it myself. It helps me because it doesn't remind me of anything. I hear no one's voice when it comes to mind. It has no connection to anyone. It is simply there.

Hurt.

When my anxiety hits, it is the only thing that keeps me calm while he's awake. When he sleeps, it is not enough. I have to talk to someone, but I have no one now. This is the closest thing I have. Although it is a partial distraction, thoughts, feelings, panic, it all seeps in, only more slowly, not as strong. When I have nothing left to say, it hits full force again. It did not used to be so. When I had someone to talk to, it completely faded away. I am afraid.

"The things that I've loved the things that I've lost, The things I've held sacred that I've dropped, I won't lie no more you can bet, I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget..."

0.0
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: 3 Doors Down- Changes
I can't let it get the best of me. It's trying though, and it's trying hard. I am trying to stay calm. Maybe my upset playlist will help? It does when I am pissed or hurting for a reason. I have no one to talk to now. I am alone. I don't know how to deal with this alone. I want to cry, I want so badly to cry, but I really have no reason to. Oh god how am I going to get through this?

"I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs, There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb. I try to hold this under control, They can't help me 'cause no one knows, Now I'm going through changes, changes, God, I feel so frustrated lately, When I get suffocated, save me, Now I'm going through changes, changes, I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone, Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone, I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn, I feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world, I try to hold this under control they can't help me 'cause no one knows..."

Shhhhh!
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Johnny Cash- Hurt
I have no one. I know that sounds mean, but look at me right now. I am completely alone. My child is asleep, I can feel angry lasers shooting through walls at my head from every angle. As of this moment I am alone.

I feel weak. I feel weak because I have no where to run to be okay. I have no one to talk to who will bring a smile to my face. I am in the midst of a huge ball of anger with no path out. I am not okay. I don't know when I will be again. Never, if I am forever alone.

Is it so much to ask? Is it so much to ask to be able to have someone who appreciates me when no one else does? To have someone who is there for me no matter what? To have a real friend? It seems to be.

"Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt..."

K
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
sigh

Suppressed By All My Childish Fears
Now Playing: Evanescence- My Immortal
I'm so tired of all of this. I cannot handle it anymore. I'm ready to scream.

Can't we stand to just be happy?
Don't we know how to be okay?
EVery time that it starts working,
We seem to sabotage our way.

I'm so tired of being sick,
I'm so sick of being tired,
I just want to be okay,
Without needing to be wired,
I'm so sick of all the fighting,
I'm so tired of being down,
How long until it all collapses?
How long until your not around?

"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just so much that time cannot erase, when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears, and I held you hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me."

IsThisTheOne?
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Smile Empty Soul- Finding Myself
Hey you out there, I'm still here.

"I'm so used to my life with you around, I don't know anymore the real me. And I thought that I found myself today, and I thought that I had control, all the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you. All these tears that I've cried, you must be tired of taking care of me but it's what you do best and I'm a liar 'cause really it's what I need. And I thought that I found myself today, and I thought that I had control, all the chains in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you..."

AHA!
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Trapt- Lost in a Portrait
I have figured it out! I really am not here! Because if I were here, wouldn't things be different? So somewhere I am sitting looking at a picture of myself and thinking "what if" and this is the result. So what now?

"I'm lost in a portrait, in a picture of me, this can't be happening to me..."

@$^#&*$@
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: MxPx
"I'm gettin older day by day, ain't got time to get to everything. Hold on tight, enjoy the ride, life is short, so live it wisely..." -My Mom Still Cleans My Room

"Emotion is my middle name, I lay in bed, listen to the rain, put happy thoughts into my head, but I find instead the hurting words you said..." -Middlename

Hmmmm
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: 3 Doors Down- When I'm Gone
Well excitement is scary. You're like bouncing off the walls hitting your head on the ceiling never touching the ground when suddenly reality hits and its PHPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....
So yeah. I'm still here and still these people have not noticed. Or do not care? And some damn country songs seem to fit, but I don't want them to, I'm sick of that crap and I don't want it to apply to my life but I can't help it! It's there and I'm here, it exists and I exist and although I try to avoid it, it sneaks up on me and I turn around and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

"Hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong, hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone, everything I am and everything in me, wants to be the one you wanted me to be..."

So There!
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Vertical Horizon- Everything You Want
Well, here I am and here I sit. Here I sit because here I am. I am here. Here I sit. AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! Anyway....

So yeah. I don't understand some things, like the words to these songs, they seem written for me and it's so weird. And I wonder if there is even a point to me writing the feelings I feel when they have already been written, already been sung, already been heard. But then I remember a quote I once read:

"The most original authors are not so because they advance what is new, but because they put what they have to say as if it had never been said before."
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So I say, why not? Here I am, after all. Here I sit. If here I sit, if here I am, do I not deserve to be here, sit here, feel here, write here, share here? So what if they feel, everyone feels. Do they feel what I feel? Do they put what I feel in my words, exactly as I want them to be shared? Do they know my heart and the best way it should be expressed? Not a chance.

So here I am, and here I sit. AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

"I say all the right things at exactly the right times, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why."

GRRRRUFF!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Unloco- Drowning In It
And it never ends. Never ends. Nothing ever happens. I am pissed! I am pissed at everyone who has let me down over and over. I am so fucking pissed I cannot stand it! I AM HUMAN, YOU KNOW! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! FUCK THOSE WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT! FUCK THEM! They all expect to hurt me over and over, disappoint me over and over, let me down over and over, and me still be so nice and sweet. FUCK THEM!

"Should I give up and let the weight just fall on me? Day by day I struggle endlessly, There's nothing right, there's nothing good about this...."

GOD!
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Blue October- Hate Me
I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to be okay or be real. I'm upset. Yeah, I'm upset! I'm sick of it, I'm sick of no one caring. I am sick of having to retreat into my own little world because nobody decides to include me in theirs. I am sick of "not hurting" because I am afraid of the pain. I do not want to feel this, and yet I do not want to be okay with this. I HATE THIS! I HATE IT! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THIS! I WANT SOMEONE TO FUCKING CARE! I AM HERE, I CARE, WHY CAN'T THEY? Why can't they?

"Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you..."

Here it goes.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: System of a Down- Lonely Day
Well I have realized that I expect too much. Too much of myself, too much of others, too much of life in general. I don't know why. I have always been disappointed, nothing has ever worked out the way I wanted it to, and yet here I am, filled with hope that it will happen this time. HOW STUPID CAN I POSSIBLY BE? Somebody please knock some sense into me.

"Such a lonely day, and it's mine. It's a day I'm glad I survived."

Well, It's Mother's Day
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: GooGoo Dolls- Better Days
What do you have to say? You expect so much from me. That's okay. I do my best to be the person I want to be. If you are not okay with that, who cares? My world is in this house right now. Every hope, every dream, seems so possible at the moment. How can I not be happy with that? Sure, there is pain on the outside of this place, and it sometimes manages it find it's way in through cracks and holes, but not today. Not today, I won't let it happen. The temporary patchwork was done yesterday, and although I have no clue how long it will last (hence the "temporary" classification) it will last through today, I am sure. Today I feel so grateful for the things I sometimes take for granted, and I can ignore that which overwhelms me on the bad days. All that is here today is me, my love, my life, my dreams, my world. Consider this entry my enormous verbal smile.

"So take these words and sing out loud, 'cause everyone is forgetting now..."

Mood:  don't ask
Such anger is wasted when finally it is put to use. the energy slips away to search for a new home. And I, I sit and wonder.... what is the point of all of this? I lost, it's gone, so what? Why care about it at all? Why not shrug and walk away like so many others have? BECAUSE I CAN'T, DAMN IT! I CAN'T JUST STOP FEELING, I CAN'T JUST STOP CARING, I DON'T WORK THAT WAY! I AM HERE AND I CARE, AND I SCREAM "FUCK YOU!" AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS BECAUSE I CARE! I FUCKING CARE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT! And I sit here and am filled with a sad emptiness. My voice will never be heard. Those words will never be felt. They have dissolved in the acid of the cruel truth: it doesn't matter anymore.

Lost in the Music
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: STAIND- Waste
Can you hear me? You used to be able to without me saying a word. The words are out there, floating in the nothingness. Where have you gone? My words are empty, meaningless, without your ears for them to fall upon. My feelings are strong, but pointless without you to mirror them. Where are you? Do I exist to you anymore? Or am I only another face in a picture, another name on a list? I MISS YOU, OKAY? I ADMIT IT! There is a hole where you once were. I have tried to fill it, but no one is willing to be what you were to me. All of this and I apparently mean nothing to you anymore. Not enough, anyway.

"AND FUCK YOU FOR NOT HAVING THE STRENGTH IN YOUR HEART TO PULL THROUGH!"

Well Then
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Commercials
Ok so I am here. I am here and I am boooored. I am here, I am bored, and... well, I don't know. Where did everybody go? There used to be a spotlight, but there is no reason for it now. So I ask of you, will you remain, or pass away like they all do? Hmmmm. The dreams, they haunt me. Even as they fade, they do not release their hold. Paranoia sets in. What next? What next?

"And I'm afraid to be alone, afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone..."

I'm not here, you do not see me.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The Locals-Superman
That is about it. I am not here. You do not see me. I do not exist. I do not know why it is what it is, but it is. You do not know. I do not care.

"I crossed the old bridge that I walked upon ten thousand times, lit a match and watched it burn. I could not see beyond the smoke, but still one thing remains... I feel for you."