Why must it be so hot at night? Can’t it be cooler during the time when I’m supposed to be asleep? And gods, Dad, why must you snore so loud? I can’t sleep with all that noise coming from down the hall. I don’t see how anyone else in this house can be asleep either! How do all the girls manage to sleep? Ah, they probably use ear plugs…Why didn’t I think of that?

Thinking…not something I normally do because I end up thinking about him, and then it’s harder to think about anything else. I can’t help the way my mind works. It’s on one track and when that track is Ryouga, I can’t think of anyone but him.

And I miss him. I wish I could see him so badly. I wish he would come back soon, but with him, no one knows where he’ll be when. He doesn’t even know where he’ll be when.

Rolling over I face the small shrine of postcards that arrive by mail from him. I always steal them away and tack them up on my wall. I like to believe that he sends them to me and me alone; not to anyone else.

I roll back over onto my back and stare up at my dark ceiling. How could he do this to me? How can he keep running off before I get a chance to talk to him? I get engaged and suddenly we’re enemies. I don’t even get a chance to tell him that I don’t even want her, that I want him. The news was delivered too fast, and then this girl and that girl popped out of nowhere and now I’m suddenly engaged to all of them. But I don’t want any of them. All I want…is him. He understands me…or at least…I thought he did.

Didn’t I make it clear to him that I wanted to stay with him forever? Doesn’t he know that I’m in love with him? Doesn’t he know that everything we’ve done, that other boys call ‘experimenting’, was never just that to me? Doesn’t he know that it was so much more than that? Does he not realize what it meant to me that he gave me his virginity? Does he not know that he has the one thing that I can’t give to anyone else? Doesn’t he know that he has my heart?

Apparently not, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to tell him any of what I really feel. How can he not know any of this? I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever poured my heart out to him, but couldn’t he tell from the way I touched him? Does he think…Does he think I do that with everyone?

Well, I don’t. I’ve never kissed or touched anyone else the way I’ve kissed and touched Ryouga. I’ve never even kissed Akane. I mean, she’s kissed me, but it’s not the same thing, is it? I never kissed her back…so it doesn’t count!

Does he know how hard it is on me when he’s not around? I miss seeing him everyday like I used to. I miss the way he moves, the way he smells, the way he tastes, the way he…sounds. I remember taking him that first time and how the noise he made sounded so painful. But then, suddenly, he wasn’t moaning in pain anymore; he was gasping in pleasure, and I miss hearing those sounds. It’s not just those sounds that I miss, either. I miss hearing him laugh, and I miss the sound of his voice.

I always wondered if soulmates really existed. But you know, if they do – if it’s true that there’s someone for everyone, that there’s another half of yourself that you find in someone else – then I think he’s my other half. I hate being away from him, and isn’t that how it’s suppose to feel? Aren’t you supposed to be in agony when you’re away from your soulmate? Well, I’m in agony, Ryouga. And where are you? Do you even care? Or do you really just want Akane for yourself like you’ve led me to believe? Well?! Which is it?! Damn it, do you know how jealous it makes me that you want her and not me?!

No, you don’t. And again, I have no idea how to tell you that it does. I have no idea what to tell you. I don’t even know how to make you stay long enough to tell you anything. Hells, right now, I don’t even know where you are. Last I knew you were in Nepal. I wish you were here now. Glancing out the window I can see the stars disappear as the sun is staring to rise. Wherever you are, are you watching it too? I wish you were here watching it with me. If you could be here, I would tell you right now how I feel, before anyone else in the house woke up, and before you could run off and get lost again.

With slight hopes I rise up on my knees and look out the window for you, like I do every morning before someone comes in to wake me up. At first, I don’t see anything in the dark street below, and then…is that your red umbrella? Is that you down there, in the street, getting ready to get up and walk away from me again?

This time, Ryouga, you aren’t going anywhere without me. I’m going down there and when I get to you, I don’t know if I will hit you or kiss you, or both. But after that, I’m going to tell you that I love you. Then, if you hit me for telling you that, I’ll assume that you don’t want me in return. I’ll assume that you want her instead, and I’ll back away, holding my heart as it shatters. But if that is what you want, then you can have it. If you want her instead of me, then I’ll leave, and you can stay. But if you want me, and not her – if you love me the way I love you, then we’ll leave together, and together, we’ll get lost.