Ranma 1/2

Disclaimer: I don’t own Ranma, Rumiko Takahashi does. I just borrowed some of the characters. Rated: NC-17

Shades of Home

Chapter 12

Ryouga looked around the cottage. "Hey, this is pretty nice. All the comforts of home."

Ranma just handed Ryouga a kettle. "Here, make yourself useful. We'll have tea and I've got some ramen that just takes hot water. I think there's some pickles left."

The two boys worked in companionable silence, fixing the fire and setting out food.

After eating Ryouga looked at Ranma and just said, "Talk."

Ranma talked and talked, telling Ryouga everything that had happened to him. He sat side by side with Ryouga and when he finally wound down Ryouga put his hand on Ranma's shoulder, patting it sympathetically.

That was Ranma's undoing. He started to cry. Not sobbing, just letting the tears trickle down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking gently.

"Sorry! Don't look at me! I just can't stand it. They kept me hungry, thirsty, dirty. They chained my hands behind my back and threw food on the floor. They called me dog and led me around by my neck.

"I refused to fight for them and they killed the first guy right in front of me. He begged me to fight him.

"They hurt me until I would have done anything just t' get it t' stop for a second; so I fought. They made me a murderer! I never even really hurt anyone before. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I need t' get myself together but every time I think I've got it made; I see that man. He was no one's patsy. But all it took was one punch. They punished me for not making the fight last longer. Damn them!"

"Ryouga what 'm I gonna do?"

Ryouga sighed, this was a real mess.

"I respect you more than any fighter I have ever faced or ever will. Ya know why?" Ranma shook his head "Because you are the kindest person I know. That means you are utterly ruthless when ya have t' be. Ya killed that man because ya had no choice but t' kill 'im. Ya did it fast so he wouldn't suffer. Ya knew they'd punish ya, didn't ya? But what choice did ya have? If ya hadn't killed those men, the slavers would have killed you, wouldn't they? And ya knew that we, all your friends and family would suffer until we found ya. So ya chose the greatest good. And now you're still suffering. You've got to quit punishing yourself! You're doing it even if ya don't realize it.

"Ya haven't contacted anyone, outside of letting us know that you're still alive. Ya haven't made any friends here. You're up here all alone trying to patch your head together. Why? Because ya know that you're unstable right now and ya don't wanna hurt anyone. Don't sit there sniveling and shaking your head. Ya know I'm right."

"Yeah! I'm unstable" Ranma snarled. "One minute I'm shiverin' like a dog that's been whipped and the next I'm so close to goin' orbital that it's all I can do t' stand still. I've got all these feelin's inside me; anger, fear, hate! I can't sleep the whole night anymore; I wake up shakin'. And this is really weird! I don't want anyone even lookin' at my food. It was all I could do to sit
there and watch ya eat without tryin' ta grab it. And that's just stupid.

"I've been meditatin' and workin' out and it's really helpin'. I know I should talk to someone but I don't trust anyone anymore. I think I trust you more than anyone; because I've fought ya. That's stupid, too, but I think that fightin' someone really shows what they're made of. I know that you'll never hurt me . . . that you're really my friend despite our differences. Ryouga, I'm beggin' ya; help me, I'll . . . "

Ranma looked at Ryouga his eyes clouded.

"Ok, Ranma, I'll help ya. But ya have t' do exactly what I say. No arguments, no thinkin' it to pieces! Just do it! Ok?"

"Ok, Ryouga, whatever ya say. I've got t' get myself under control or they're gonna have t' shoot me down, sooner or later, 'cause I'm gonna go postal."

"First order of business; no arguin'! Promise? No . . . ya have t' say it out loud; ya know it's not a real promise until ya say it."

"OK. I promise t' do whatever ya tell me t' do, no matter how nasty it is. How's that? Just don't tell me t' eat worms or somethin'. Ok?"

Ryouga took Ranma by the back of the neck pulling him down to rest his head on a pillow.

"Ya got t' cry, buddy. Let it all out. If ya don't let it out it's gonna fester and drive ya mad. And I need my friend to remain the Wild Horse, not become mad horse. Ya understand? Get it outta your system or it'll kill you."

Ranma looked at Ryouga. With his head on a pillow Ryouga looked somehow commanding. Ranma felt foolish. He didn't cry; it was weak and Pop had long ago beaten the tears out of him. He felt embarrassed every time he let them show, even for a second.

"Ranma, I not only give ya permission t' cry; I demand ya do it. Ya promised."

But Ranma had given up and was crying for all he was worth. Not big bawling sobs, just tiny whimpers and a silvery track of tears that disappeared into the fine hair of his temple. It took him almost half an hour to quietly say, "Well I guess ya really think I'm a fool now. Cryin' like a girl! Ugh! My hair's all wet."

Ryouga just gave Ranma a bandanna and, when he was done with it, gave him a cup of tea.

"Here! It's herbal; chamomile, valerian and hops. It'll make ya feel better. No, I don't think I want that back Why don'tcha keep it."

Ryouga studied Ranma while he sipped the tea. He looked relaxed for the first time sense Ryouga had seen him.

"You'll feel silly at first. But my advice t' ya is t' remember what your Pop told you and do exactly the opposite. Showin' emotions isn't unmanly. Loosin' control of 'em is. If ya don't express emotions in acceptable ways they come out anyway and usually in the most unacceptable way."

Ranma eyed Ryouga, "How'd ya get t' be so smart? You've barely been in school. I don't mean ya skip but I know ya can't find the building most of the time so how......"

Ryouga produced a laptop from his pack.

"I actually have a degree in psychology from Tokyo U Online. I'm doin' a paper on the psychology of homelessness. Where ever I am, I always seem t' be able t' find a Net link. Libraries are great and there's one in every town, and most villages have a Net cafe a' one sort or another. I served my internship on a locked ward at Osaka National, so I hid out in unused rooms and never left the ward for the whole six-weeks."

Ranma whistled softly.

"I know you're no dummy; but that's incredible. You're 18 and have a PhD. Damn!"

"Yeah. Nabiki fixed my birth certificate; it says I'm 21. Hey, come on. It's late and we've both been under a lot a' stress. Why don't we go t' bed; it's really late."

Ranma dug out the futon and his old sleeping bag. Ryouga helped him spread the bedding out and they both settled down for the night
.

Midnight

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T DO IT! LET ME GO! Stop! It hurts! I WON'T KILL HIM! " Ranma thrashed and kicked.

He was tangled in the quilt and panicked. His thrashing only served to tangle him worse, wrapping it ever more tightly around his legs.

"I'm so hungry, I wish they'd feed me. Why? Thirsty. Water? No, I can't beg!"

Ranma continued to mumble, fighting the covers with grim determination. He had managed to get one hand behind his back and hung in the torn sweat shirt he had on.

Ryouga took Ranma under the arms and lifted him out of the tangle of quilt and sheet which had entrapped him. Ranma immediately began to thrash, kicking and struggling.

Ryouga finally had to get Ranma in a Psycho Hug so that neither of them would get hurt. Ryouga wrapped his arms around Ranma's chest while holding his wrists, crossing his arms and Ranma's. He also pinned Ranma's legs by crossing his legs over his thighs. Holding Ranma from the back Ryouga forced him forward, effectively immobilizing him without hurting him.

"SShhh! Ranma, it's ok . . . it's ok . . . no one's going to hurt you. Hush! Hush! I've got you. Anyone tries anything we'll take care of them together. Come on, wake up. Wakey! Wakey!"

Ranma woke up, coming back to consciousness with a jerk. "Oh, Ryouga. It hurts. It hurts so damn much! I fuckin' can't stand it. I'm not fit t' be around . . . " Then almost a whisper "Ryu get offa me. Please get off. I can't be pinned down. Get off before I lose it."

Ryouga scrambled off quickly, but he didn't let go of Ranma. He kept hold of his wrist.

"Ranma you're not gonna take off runnin' like you usually do. It's too dark out! There's no moon. Sit here and I'll make us some tea. Start talkin'! Just let it out!"

"Ya don't wanna listen t' my incoherent ramblin's."

"Yeah, I do. It's called stream a' consciousness analysis. Just say whatever comes inta your head. You'd be surprised what ya come up with. It's better for ya than puttin' up with nightmares. I think we'll see the sun come up."

After a few false starts Ranma finally got going.

"I really don't like the way I feel. I'm not in control of myself. I got so much pain and anger that I don't know were t' go with it; no technique I know is doin' much good. I came up here t' get away from people but they keep followin' me. They mean well. They're only tryin' t' help, but when they're around I have t' keep myself under such tight control that I feel like I'm still chained up. I'm holdin' control by a thread now. I wanna scream so bad!"

Ranma held out a shaking hand.

"I can't stop shakin'. I know ya ain't gonna hurt me, but I'm still shakin' from that hug thing. Ya have t' teach me that when I can stand been' touched again. I wanna go inta the mountains so far that ya need a fuckin' helicopter t' get t' me. I need t' fast, meditate and practice yoga and tai che until I get my center back. But I know that it's not gonna happen. One minute, I think I've got a handle on things, the next I'm flyin' apart again. I don't understand it."

Ryouga raised an eyebrow. "If ya need t' go, just do it. They can't stop you."

"Yeah, they can! Cause I'll let 'em.

"If I can't get myself together, they'll keep me here. Steven said I could leave as long as I had myself under control. If I can't control my chi they won't let me leave here ever again. It's not my chi that's out of control, it's my emotion. I can't stay here. I need t' see Akane, I need t' go back t' Nerima. I have t' be there and I can't tell you why.

"God! I'm so fucked!

"What if I go and somethin' happens? What if I really snap? Lose control a' my emotions and tear up the town? You want t' count the corpses? I'm in control a' my chi. That's never been the problem. I'm not in control a' myself and that is."

Ryouga handed Ranma a cup of tea. "Shit! I can see what's wrong with you already. You've got one a' the worst cases a' Combat Fatigue I've ever heard a'. I wonder why it hasn't manifested before now? Probably being enslaved triggered it. Ya can get through this; and with you I don't think you're gonna need a long course a' treatment. You're too strong t' need that. All ya have t' do is face up t' what you've done and why ya did it. I know killin' someone is a terrible thing, but if ya didn't kill them; they would have killed you or the slavers would have. And killed them too. Just t' make an example a' both a' ya. Face up t' what ya did and why."

Ranma sipped tea. After a while he sighed and muttered. "I just wanna go back t' the way I was before."

Ryouga grimaced.

"Ranma ya can't. Ya'll never be what ya were. That's impossible. You know the secret of steel as well as I do. You'll never be broken. You're too strong. But you are changed and always will be. Ya can either let experience cripple ya or ya can learn what the experience has t' teach ya and move on with your life"

"Yeah, the secret a' steel. Human flesh and spirit are stronger. Break a sword and ya have no sword. The steel can be reforged but it's a whole new sword. Break a man and he'll heal sooner or later. But I've seen men who never healed and others who healed wrong. What happens if I heal wrong? I'm crazy!"

Ryouga interrupted. "No ya aren't. If you're afraid ya are then ya aren't. Only the crazy people believe they're sane. You won't heal wrong. If ya can see the possibility then it can be countered. Now drink your tea and stop snivelin'. Ya need t' make a plan a' action. Ya can't keep thrashin' around like this. Ya need goals. Figure out what ya need t' do and do it. Suck it up, tough guy!"

"I'm tryin'. I can't get centered and that's what I need the most."

"Ranma, Damn it! If ya can't get centered then ya aren't doing it right."

"I know where my center is. I've been centered all my life. That's why I feel so messed up."

"After all you've been through, don't ya think that your center might be different from what it use t' be? Instead a' trying t' force your center, why not let it find you?"

Ranma stared at Ryouga as if he had two heads.

"Damn it. I'm so stupid. Why didn't I think a' that?"

"Because ya can't see the forest for the trees?"

Ranma just drank tea and smiled.

"Come on, Ryu, let's get goin'. I wanna get ya down the mountain, talk t' Steven and get things goin'. I'm gonna do it this time." Ranma jogged in place while he waited for Ryouga to pack his stuff.

Ryouga smiled to himself. Ranma, once he got the bit between his teeth was as accurate as a well-placed arrow. He regretted all the time they had spent fighting. But he knew that their friendship was stronger for it. They knew each others heart and that was worth anything they had gone through. He wondered how he could have spent so much time mad at him. {Well, we grow up and things change.}

"I'm comin' . . . Hold your horses . . . Damn it, Ranma stop laughin'! No; on second thought laugh all you want."

"Ryouga, I know ya. Do ya still have that handcuff from when we first fought?"

"Yeah. I never throw much a' anything useful away. Why?"

"Give it here. I'm gonna fasten our belts together. Ya can't wander away from me if we're fastened together. Ya'll disappear right out from under my nose, ya jerk."

Ranma suited action to words and locked one cuff around each of their belts.

As they started down the road, Ranma and Ryouga matched their pace and stride almost automatically. It was easy to work with each other; the farther they went, the better they got, until it was as if they had always run together. Then almost without thinking about it they started to spar on the run.

As the terrain passed, Ranma pointed out points of interest to Ryouga. The waterfall that Ranma meditated by or under, the field of stakes, a good place to find herbs and mushrooms; and Ryouga followed happily admiring everything. And the sparing never stopped.

"Wow! Ranma this is really nice country. It's a great place t' train; it's far enough away from things that ya can train without worrin' about people but close enough t' a town that you're not . . . like . . . exiled. Ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. It's nice. I wonder . . . " Ranma decided then and there. "Ryouga? Ya got a degree and all. Would ya consider bein' my . . . ah . . . ya know?"

"Sure I will . . . it's not . . . ah . . . we're friends so I shouldn't, but I understand ya better than any office shrink would, so yeah, I'll give it a go."

"Thanks. Hey! Duck!"

Ranma grabbed the dart out of the air.

"Shit!"

Ryouga ducked another.

Ranma snapped his sash with a jerk and shed his shirt. Using his shirt he swept several darts out of the air. They were the same kind vets used on animals that they wanted to tranquilize. The solders who were shooting at them started re-loading.

"Damn. I'd like t' know what the hell these idiots think they're doin'. Come on, Ryu, stay close."

Ryouga was pleased to see that Ranma had retained his composure, he was going to be fine.

The two boys ducked, dodged and ran. Neither wanted to get into a fight with these people. They were only following orders from higher up. If they tried to fight them, someone would get seriously hurt and it wouldn't be either boy.
.

Steven looked up at the crash. His window had exploded inward and Ranma and a strange boy landed in the middle of his office.

"What the hell? What's going on here?" Steven eyed the handcuff Ranma was holding "Who's this and why do you have him on a chain?"

Ranma held up the chain.

"This is Ryouga Hibiki. I chained him t' me so he wouldn't get lost. But the real question is . . . why were those jerks tryin' t' dart us?"

Ranma threw his shirt at Steven. It had half a dozed darts in it. "That many darts could have seriously . . . " Ranma didn't get any farther.

"Doris! Get in here!"

Doris stuck her head in the door

"Already on it; Boss. Some flunkie just overreacted to a little sparing on the run. I've calmed them down and I'm getting out the axe. Heads will roll."

Ranma rolled the chain up and handed it to Ryouga.

"Hang on t' that. It's come in handy. We might need it again."

"Steven, we need t' talk and I'm not messin' around now."

"I lied t' ya several times. I'm a lot stronger than I let on. I have nightmares and I'm really fucked up. I have complete control a' my chi but my emotions are completely gone."

Steven froze.

"Are you still afraid of us? We only want to help you. We need you more than you know. We'll provide you with anything you need to get better; but if you lie to us we can't help you. Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because Ryouga and I had a real heart t' heart and I know I need t' talk t' him. He's agreed to be my . . . whatever . . . I trust him and he seems to think I can trust you. He said you guys are like Division 13 or somethin'. I've heard of ya. Why didn't ya tell me who ya are?"

"Division 13? I've . . . we're not . . . Hell, Ok. We're Division 13. (We had a name and didn't know it?) We didn't want to scare you more than you already were. I mean think about it. Here you are; sold by your own father, tortured, sold again and rescued. Then I tell you you've been rescued by daemon hunters or whatever you want to call us. Yeah, real reassuring."

"Ok. I can understand that. It makes sense."

"I just thank my lucky stars they didn't make you kill some . . . Shit."

The look on Ranma's face made Steven swear. He swore for a minute straight.

"How many and how did they . . . "

Ranma interrupted so he could get it out before he chickened. "I killed two with my own hands and caused the death of a third. I refused t' kill him, so they killed him in front of me. T' make an example a' both a' us. I can't seem t' get used t' that. It won't go away. It won't get easier."

"Damn, Ranma; the day you don't feel bad about it. The day it gets easy, is the day you turn into a stone cold killer. I've been dealing with this for years. It dosen't get easier, ever. This is what separates the men from the daemons. Killing hurts you or you're not fit to live."

"You finally learn to live with it, kid. You can't keep beating yourself up over this. It's not your fault. You were put in a position where you had to choose your life or theirs. It's human and natural to choose your own life over someone else. Self sacrifice has to make sense or you won't do it. If someone told you to choose between Ryouga and yourself who would you choose?"

"Me!" Ranma answered without hesitation. Then blinked. "Oh."

"Damn it, Ranma I can take care a' myself . . . Uh . . . But thanks anyway."

Ryouga put his hand on Ranma's shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Ranma shrugged Ryouga's hand off without thinking."Damn. Sorry 'bout that"

Ranma turned to Steven.

"I need honest answers to some questions. No fakin' or dodgin'. Can I leave here whenever I want? If yes, why? Am I really needed? Where's Tatiwaki? Do you know how dangerous I really am?"

Steven looked at Ryouga; he wished he could talk to this young man before he had to answer these questions.

"As long as you have control of your chi, we won't stop you from going any time you want. The only reason we didn't let you go immediately is that we needed to be sure you were in control of it. We need you like no one else on this earth. With out you and a few other kids like you, we're going to be up to our asses in oni and god knows what else within three or four years. Tatiwaki is here, if you'd like to see him, I'll arrange it. He's in therapy and doing quite well. NO, I have no idea what you can really do; you faked all the tests."

"I was scared of ya; so I fudged the tests. I figured if I did fairly well you'd let it go. I held back so I could escape if I felt I needed to. I'm sorry. I know now ya did the best ya could. After meditatin' and half way gettin' my head together I realize that you're on my side. It's strange because no one has ever helped me just because I needed it. They always want somethin' in return . . . Yeah . . . Yeah . . . ya want me t' fight for ya. That's different. Ya need me t' help ya do somethin' for others, not yourself."

"I'm goin' on a real retreat. I'm headed up the mountain so high ya need helicopter's t' find me. But don't. I need t' know that no one is gonna get hurt if I go ballistic. If I'm not back in ten days come up and give me a good funeral. No! Ya aren't gonna stop me. If I can't get my emotions in control in ten days, it's not gonna happen. If I lose my temper in this condition, lots of people are gonna die."

"I'm in complete control of my chi; it's my emotions that are wonky. Watch this."

Ranma pressed his thumbs and index fingers together making a circle. Then when a small ball of light formed he palmed it and tossed it through the window. WHAM! The limb of the tree outside Stevens window exploded into match sticks. "And that was only a small blast."

Steven paled, "Damn. Kid, I've seen power before, but that was incredible."

"I don't usually throw temper tantrums, but the state I'm in now I feel like it about half the time. I can't have people comin' up on me unexpectedly. Or disturbin' me while I"m meditatin'. It's come real close a few times, so I'm always on guard. I can't really concentrate. I'm gone. I'll be back or I'll be dead."

Ranma jumped out the window. Steven started to chase him but Ryouga caught his arm.

"Don't! He won't like or appreciate it. Ya haven't messed up yet; don't do it now. We need t' talk. Ryouga Hibiki, in case you missed it."

"Ok, Hibiki; start talking." Ryouga did and Steven listened.

"I don't have to like it; but you're right. I'm checking your credentials but if they check out. Shit, even if they don't; you're officially Ranmas councelor. You need help you ask for it."

Ryouga nodded. "Yeah. But you'll find that I'm compentent. I faked my age on the papers. They say 21. But I am good; and if I need help I'll come screaming. I don't want to mess this up."