Thots-1 (Friday, Febuary 2003-9:19 a.m.)
the other day he held her hand! i saw him holding her hand! it tears me apart inside to see them holding hands. i love her so much but i cannot have her. why. i dont know, i dont understand any of this. she looked at me before this class. why did she look at me? what does she see and think when she looks at me. i dont know, and neather do you. no one does but her. You might know if you are her, but even then you might not. Why do i love you so much? that is the real question here isnt it? why i cant be with you, why you love him. all these questions are secondary to Why I love you. I dont know. I wish i dint. but what if someday you return my love? it cannot be, but what if it is? what if. always what if. suicide.... stupid people. always stupid people. im one of them. for i love a love that cannot be loved. if that makes sense. what is love? is love this feeling within me that rises whenever i look into your eyes into a painful pressure within my chest that causes my pulse to rise and my stomach to hurt? but those are just physical things. love is intangable, nonphysical. Love is impossable to duplicate with words. even the best most elaporate poem or song can never duplicate love or what it is. my love for you is beyond my ability to express in words or action, except if somehow i could join my soul with yours and show you what i feel. but even then im not sure if we would truely understand each other. you dont love me. it hurts, oh it hurts so bad. you are happy with him? please, be happy with him! your happyness is all that lets me live. no, not all. i hold to the impossable hope that someday you will see my love and love me back. i belive that if you knew, truely knew how much i love you and how GOOD i would treat you, that you would love me. i HAVE to belive that, because if i dont im dead. sometimes my hope, my belif in it falters and the pain compresses in upon me greater than usual. The hope always comes back though, it never truely leaves i supose, because if it did i would not be liveing right now. Im afraid, yes afraid, that someday the hope will not be enough to hold the pain and i will die in a sudden act to rid myself of it. and with that leave you alone, when you might need me. that to is why i stay. to be here when he hurts you.i dont want him to hurt you, but i think he will. i hope not, but i belive he will. part of me wants him to, so that i can be there for you, and so you will love me. i make myself sick. I supose im just being human. Humans make me sick. Stoopid humans...sigh. i am so depressed.... you love him...dont you see he dosnt deserve you? you deserve so much better. im not saying me, but i do know that i would treat you better than him, at least i hope i would. someday you will see.... unless im wrong. i hope im wrong. i dont want you to be hurt yet i want you to love me. i dont think you can love me without being hurt by him. if even that will have you love me. there are others you would love before me i think. thats the worst, i think. wat if he does hurt you and i am there for you and help you but then you still choose another to love! then i would die. all hope shatterd. pray that does not happen, because if it does i would not be the only one to die from my shatterd hope.
FroggieFreak (Friday, Feb. 9:37 a.m 2003)
