Thots-(March, 11th, 11:15 PM, 2003)
“There was never such a time...”
I have barely even started life, having lived only eighteen years out of the average eighty or so that people live now. For most of these years, my life has seemed... boring is the first word that comes to mind, but somehow I feel that is not correct. Dull perhaps, as if I was just floating around with time, not really doing anything. Except for within the last three or four years. These recent years have been a swirling chaos of emotions, actions and reactions that I have trouble comprehending if I try to think of them all. This short period has shown me much of life and the world, at least my limited view of it. During these troubled chaotic years I learned what love is, I also found out what love is not, and the pain of loosing it. When I first found what I thought was love, it had an amazing impact on me. I cared for other people, tried to fix everyone’s problem, to help him or her. To late I realized the foolishness of this. My heart is forever scared by the pain of love, and of caring. Yet I cannot change my nature, to care and love. I know the pain it will ensue, and yet I love anyway. Now I have a different love though, a “real” love, if any love can be said to be more real than the next. Before my “love” had been across untold distance and time to people I had never seen. Then I saw someone that would change everything. I will not disclose names. She shown like a star within my darkened world. To be honest, it scared me, scared me more than anything ever had. It is indescribable how it feels to see someone and instantly feel something for him or her deep within you. I would watch her, my fear controlling me no matter how much I willed myself to do more, I simply watched her. Silently whispering my love to her, keeping it locked deep within my heart. For a year this happened, then, fate or something, perhaps just random roll of the dice. I found her e-mail, and we made correspondence this way only. No “real life” interaction took place until about half way through the second quarter. One of her friends had art with me, and we became friends, and so on and so forth. So now I find myself hanging out with her and her friends, seeing her every day. I have given up trying to determine if her simply not loving me back is worse, or her loving someone else. The fact that I spent so long trying to break through the fear to tell her how I felt was wasted time and effort. She had loved him the entire time. The answer to the question I have been asking myself for a very long time has been answer. “There was never such a time...”
11:16 PM
