I DID WHAT I WAS TOLD

*looks away*
Glittering eyes falter, then fade.
The memories wash over me until I remember what I am- what I don't want to be.
It's not my fault, but nobody wants to believe me.
I only did what I was told.
But that doesn't matter,
the fact is that I did something bad, repeatedly.
It doesn't matter that I did what I thought was right.
Murder's still murder.
I can't wash the blood off my hands,
I look at my hands and I still see the blood again.
Have you ever caught me looking at my hands?
Don't watch me when I look at the blood on my hands,
I'm ashamed of it.
I just wish I could have been what you wanted.
Instead of this... "thing" , that I am.
*looks away*
Copyright ©2003 Ashi Shadow 7/7/03 on Katie, with the below entry. On trying to be rational etc. being "doing what's told" and how society say's I'm bad for it though I was raised to be honest and to discourage or even turn in my friends if they do something wrong (according to what society told me). The style for this was influenced by !!! Konstantine by Something Corporate **************** Sometimes I wonder if maybe.. maybe I should just move in with Brandon, because I know he'll always care about me and I know that he.. could be happy with me. But even if he could be happy with me, that still doesn't mean he should have to put up with this kind of depression. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't forget the past, I can't forget the things that people said when they found out- and I don't want to forget them. I... don't want to forget because if I forget then maybe I'll do it again. *looks away as he remembers things* There are still secrets that I keep from you *stares at his feet* And I don't think that I can ever tell you what they are, because... because I couldn't bear to look into your eyes after that. It's already hard to look into your eyes, it's already hard for me to accept what I am. I already cry about it. I already cry, but I don't ask for forgiveness. I know what I am, and I know what I don't deserve.