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I entered my office and locked the door. Behind those four closed walls, I tore worlds apart. I calculated the amount of light being reflected off of metal surfaces and the speed at which molecules diffuse across the outsides of crystals. At the end of 300 hours of searching, I found a new way to combat global warming. I packaged my ideas and key results into a 10 page summary with 6 figures and sent it to 37 universities. . . . weeks went by. . . weeks went by. . . . After eight weeks of waiting, I finally got one interview, at a high caliber department. I flew. I was amazed- the department was even more perfect than I expected; than I could have imagined. The faculty and congeniality surpassed all other departments I had ever seen; and they were flush with funding, mentoring, and friendship. There are two people whom I respect very much within that concrete building's confines. This department has specialists in my field, and they had understood my proposal! more-so than the other universities, which is probably why they gave me the interview. Yet these faculty didn't show my enthusiasm for what I proposed, though they showed great interest in me. The interview felt very good, I was nervous, but I did well. (Who wouldn't be nervous, when several very bright professors in your field are among your audience, evaluating you?) I flew back, finished, and returned to the lab. Back to working with wrenches and wiping my forehead on the day to day tasks of a foot-soldier. Four weeks passed. Crickets chirped. Four weeks became six. There was still no response- ..even when I asked for an update. Enthusiasm began to wane to despair. Our hero questioned his decisions. What is there in life but dust and air? His relationships lay scattered by the road he had travelled; casualties on the wagon-wheeled path to his goal. I left her in hopes of gaining power, deciding national policies, magistrating global economics. Instead I have no response. ...Is this what I left a woman for? Perhaps I will not get the professorship. But deep in my heart I'm afraid, even more than the possibility of not getting the professorship, that I may have broken the heart of a woman, for nothing. Never is a long long time, goodbye. No answers for the aching. We'll see each other again when this dream comes to an end. |
Copyright ©2011 Ashi Shadow -- March 2011
The last four lines are adapted from "Never is a long time" by Roxette.
A few days ago I finally got my reply: somebody else was taken for the position.
Who is it I wonder?
What are they like?
But I wish the department the best, I don't want them to have anything but success, even though my heart aches because I would have chosen that department over all others in the nation (it's not ranked in the top 3, but for my specialization people do choose it over the top 3).
Perhaps next year I will fall in love with another department.
Right now, I am applying to a position I'd like at a National Lab.
If I don't get that position, I might join a company for research, or do some theoretical work and then apply for professorships again next year.