| Somewhere in the darkness of my mind
I hunt the recesses for you, caving under the weight of my own ambitions for love, happiness, and hour glasses that never fade. Passions burn in the embers of my eyes, waiting for a breeze to rekindle the flame; just a single wisp of your breath to fill me with life again. What did it feel like to have your breath on my lips, your eyes in front of mine, like the stars of the sky spinning, in their never ending waltz,- that I dance with you, in the recesses of my mind. |
Copyright ©2008 Ashi Shadow 8/27/08 on Katie
listening to Collide by Howie Day. The dash after waltz was not originally supposed to be there, but I felt the reader's pace would not be correct without it. The "hour glasses that never fade" is in another one of my poems. The stars of the sky spinning is from "-I Miss You-" music video by Joe (JoeAndTom) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/329995 -- though wasn't listening to that and hadn't that recently, just strongly remember the stars spinning.
[01:23] TheLin: That is very nice, overall. I like the idea of hunting through one's mind [01:23] Me: Yes, the main problems with it are that it's short, and that the embers thing is not exactly perfect [01:24] TheLin: I was thinking that too, but I'm not sure what to say about it, honestly [01:24] Me: It seems like it needs another stanza before the last [01:24] TheLin: Like [01:24] TheLin: It feels odd, but works nicely as is [01:24] TheLin: I was thinking the same thing about the 'embers' thing. [01:24] Me: I agree, just imperfect, I don't think I'll change it though, the embers thing is the one thing I'd consider changing, but I like the kindling part [01:24] Me: actually if I changed eyes to heart or some such thing, probably nobody would question it [01:25] TheLin: The length, however, seems good [01:25] Me: it is quite abrupt though, it's like there's a story developing and then the story ends
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Somewhere in the darkness of my mind I hunt the recesses for you, caving under the weight of my own ambitions for love, happiness, and hour glasses that never fade. What did it feel like to have your breath on my lips, your eyes in front of mine, like the stars of the sky spinning, in their never ending waltz,- that I dance with you, in the recesses of my mind. |
Copyright ©2008 Ashi Shadow 8/27/08 on Katie