Giles stepped into his hotel room and closed the door softly behind him. He leaned back against it, his eyes closed, as if he was too tired to take another step. His breathing was ragged and he clenched and unclenched his fist compulsively. When he finally lifted his eyes, Giles saw that he was not alone.

Buffy stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed, looking typically annoyed with him. “What’sa matter? Betrayal got you down?” she asked sarcastically. “Not as fun to be on the delivering end as you thought?”

“I know what you are.” Giles replied coldly, eying the figure before him like it was a wild animal that might spring at any moment.

“Of course you do,” the First went on, not missing a beat, “you know everything. What’s best for the world, who should live and who should die – ”

“I never thought that.”

“But you make those decisions anyways.”That's the first instance of the First telling Giles who he is, he's someone who thinks he knows what's best. It does that throughout the rest of this chapter. The way I wrote the First, which I think is more true to the First from "Amends" than to the First of Season 7, is that it works by shattering one's conception of one's self, and rebuilding it to suit its own objectives. Everything it says is true, to some extent, but with a twist to it. Through a glass, darkly. It's fun, and I wish the writers had used the First in such a way more often.

“I don’t have to defend myself to you,” he said, gradually becoming accustomed to the First’s presence.

“No I guess not,” the First went on, unperturbed. “But what about to yourself? You were right, you know. I have got big plans for Spike. But that doesn’t change the fact that you betrayed your precious Slayer.”

Giles winced and started clenching his fist again. The First smirked, thinking his behaviour a sign of its success.The First doesn't pick up on my tip to the reader that Giles has heart problems. It's kind of unclear how the First knows what it knows about the characters, without knowing everything that they're thinking. I kinda play with that. Ignoring his companion, Giles walked wearily to the writing desk that stood against the wall and sat down at it. He opened the book that was laying on top and started writing in it frantically. The diary, of course, is of key importance to the story. Also, my idea. I had been playing with ideas for "Giles dies" stories before, and one of them centred on a reconciliatory letter that Giles writes to Buffy, knowing he is on death's door.

“But maybe she should have seen it coming,” the First continued its monologue, “After all, it wasn’t the first time… Although I must say, your follow-through has improved considerably.” It wasn’t Buffy’s voice that was speaking anymore.It's always funny to read that line, because the diction changes so drastically.

Giles glanced up from his writing to see Quentin Travers – grey-headed, tweed-clad and supremely self-confident – standing where his Slayer had been a moment before. Then he quickly turned back to his writing without comment. Travers and the Council. Willow's reaction to the destruction of the Council always bugged me. She's upset about the loss of "all those resources." Every time I watch that scene I expect Giles to say something about people being blown up too, but he never does. I know the Scoobies don't like the Council, but come on, they weren't evil, and Giles spent many years with them. ASH said something about the destruction of the Council playing into his character's motivation, but they never actually established that on the show, which I thought they should have.

"It isn't as though tonight's fiasco was your fault." There was a familiar note of condescension in the First's voice. "Wood should have moved more swiftly, should have reigned in his emotions. I daresay the operation would have been much more successful had your positions been reversed. However, that would have made you responsible for the, er, 'dirty work,' shall we say? And that is simply not fitting for a Watcher. Especially not for one of your callibre."Instance the second. He's a Watcher. In the worst sense of the word. The show really turned the Watchers into a very dark group of people.

At this comment, Giles finally reacted, glaring at the likeness of his former superior. "And what, precisely, is that supposed to mean?" Giles' stoicism starts to slip.

The First feigned mild surprise. "Ah! So you were listening after all."Travers is fun to write.

Giles simply continued to glare. The First smiled in the smug sort of way that Travers always did to demonstrate his superiority, and began pacing casually. If you notice, whether I write "The First" or "the character" (whoever the First is impersonating may be) depends on how much Giles (or whoever) is reacting to it as the the person it's impersonating. There's kind of a transition between the two, where it's just "the First", then it's described increasingly in terms of the character it looks like, then it's described as the character him/herself.

"It simply means that you have finally become the exemplary Watcher we all expected you to be. Pragmatic. Level-headed. Certainly not one to be swayed by emotion." This highlights for the first time what Dollsome and I consider quite a marked shift in Giles' character over the series. He starts out as something of an idealist, very enthusiastic about the good fight. Another example of his idealism, IMO, is that he doesn't oppose Buffy's relationship with Angel precisely because it is "poetic" and that appeals to him. By season 7 he's become rather Machiavellian. Dollsome continues to comment on this aspect of Giles' character development throughout the story. Giles opened his mouth to protest, but the First cut him off with a patronizing chuckle, waving Travers' hand dismissively, "Oh, I know. You'll never be like us; you were simply doing what was necessary. Difficult times call for difficult decisions, isn't that so?" The First regarded Giles with the look of a parent gazing down upon a disappointing child. "Do you see now, that was what the Council was doing all along? Making the difficult decisions, doing what was necessary." It resumed a conversational tone, "There were many who died in the explosion who counted you as a friend, at least at some point. A former lover or two as well, if I'm not mistaken. You know how rumours circulate.”I like mentioning that Giles may or may not have been romantically involved with some of his co-workers because it hits on how deeply involved he was with the institution, that it was his life for a long time. It smiled briefly, then became serious once again. “You turned your back on them, on all of us. Perhaps now you have more sympathy for those whom you were so eager to condemn before?"

Giles looked away from Travers' steady and expectant gaze. He turned back to his diary and set his pen to paper again, writing madly.

"Bu’ then, your moral compass a’ways was relative, eh Ripper?"Instance the third.

Giles froze. The new voice spoke in an accent fashioned to sound like a London street-youth. It was terribly forced and over-done, almost to the point of being tragicomic. Giles recognized it immediately. He turned slowly in his chair to face the young man now standing in his room.

The man – really more of a boy, he couldn’t have been much older than twenty – wore tattered jeans and a leather jacket over a t-shirt sporting a hand-drawn anarchy symbol. His hair was long and unruly, and there was a smudge of eyeliner under his eyes. I have no idea if the outfit is accurate, but it seemed close enough. When I think 70s and London, I think original punk rock, hence the anarchy shirt. Although it's probably a few years after the time of Giles' gang. Whatever. Despite his style of dress, his face was soft and youthful, as though he just got out of prep-school. Randall: as he was when Giles first met him. He smirked brashly.

"I use’ t’ think tha’ rules were made fo’ breakin’. Bu’ you knew better, di’n’ you? You taught me th’ truth: ‘There are no rules, mate. Only walls in yer ‘ead, built t’ keep you from takin’ whatcheh wan’…"

As he looked upon his old friend, Giles realized he was changing before his eyes, like the portrait of Dorian Gray. His flesh seemed to melt from his bones and he became angular and gaunt. Premature lines furrowed his once-smooth skin. His teeth yellowed. His hair became filthy and matted. Deep shadows appeared under his now-bloodshot eyes as they seemed to sink back into their sockets. Yet at the same time his eyes became brighter, sparking with a manic intensity. Watching an old friend go from child-like youthfulness to degenerate crack-head, and knowing that it's your fault; that's gotta be kinda upsetting, right?

When he spoke the street accent came with ease, "An’ we were all about the taking, weren' we, Ripper? Whatever, whenever, wherever, however, whoever: we just took, an’ took, an’ took." He let out an insane laugh and threw his head back, shouting, "And damn the consequences!"There aren't any specifics about what they did, it's all implied. Which allow's the reader's mind to go to much darker places than I could ever hope to write.

"Randall..."

"Damn them to hell!"

Giles' voice was near a whisper, "Randall, I'm so sorry..."Of course, Giles still knows that it's the First. He's talking with his past, and with his conscious.

"Wha’ was ’at, mate?"

"I'm sorry that this happened to you. That I –”

"Sorry? Abou’ wha’? We were free!" I like having the First not laying on the guilt, not whining, "oh, you killed me, feel bad now." This is more interesting. Randall smiled horrifically, "Free as the birds in the air, an’ the bunnies in the field, an’ the wolves in the bleedin' forest!"I love that line. It sounds so twisted and dark. I was worried about writing a druggie character, since I've never talked with a druggie at great length, [But you have talked to druggies? When?] but I think Randall turned out well. His voice is very distinctive, and fun to write in. And fun to read.I was being tongue-in-cheeck. I've never spoken with druggies.

Giles shook his head, almost imperceptibly. His voice was flat and distant, "It wasn't worth it."

Randall leaned towards his one-time friend, his voice now a hoarse whisper. "Like bloody ’ell it wasn'. Whatever. Whoever. However. Ours for the taking."

"That wasn't any way to live."

Randall pushed away from Giles angrily. Some people have said that the First can't do that. However, while the First can't actually, factually "push away" from anything, I'm certain it can mimick the movement of doing so. "No, it's the only way to live! You used t’ think so, ‘til you let the council build up some nice li’l’ walls for you t’ hide behind."

"I had a duty. And a debt to pay." Giles said plainly.

Randall laughed bitterly at the statement. "An’ again I say: like bloody, soddin' hell! Screw duty, screw debt, and screw sorry. You ran back to the Council like a li’l boy runnin’ to hide be’ind his mum. You were scared."Instance the fourth. The First takes Giles' big act of repentance - returning to to Council - and turns it into something weak and cowardly. Randall swaggered towards Giles, until he was only inches away. For a second his manic eyes flashed with green light. "You were never strong enough." Giles started at the echo of Eyghon in Randall's voice, but when he spoke again, it was gone, I love that brief flash of Eyghon. Very creepy. "The Council gave you the walls an’ you told yo’self a nice li’l’ story ’bout bein’ all noble. Think of Giles' scene with Ethan from "Halloween". Giles kinda has a way of claiming the moral high ground. But deep inside, you know, yer no hero…”

In an instant, the figure’s features shifted.

Giles’ eyes widened in shock; he was no longer looking at Randall, but at Ben.

“You're a killer…"

Again, the features morphed, and Giles found himself gazing into dark, familiar eyes.

"…and a coward." Jenny stepped away, observing Giles thoughtfully. Instance the fifth and sixth. I've been asked why I didn't spend more time on Ben. It's basically because Ben isn't qualified to say anything about Giles' character. He doesn't know him. All he knows it that he killed him. That, and Ben's boring. And wasn't that morph cool? Totally!

He stared at her unguardedly, taking in everything about her appearance: her hair, her skin, her clothes, everything as it had been the last time he saw her alive. Then, in an instant, his gaze became shuttered, and he turned back to his writing.I like having Giles take a moment to stare at the First as Jenny for two reasons. It shows how much he still misses her, and it indicates that Giles is maybe weaker than one would like him to be.

The First watched him, becoming increasingly perturbed as time passed. "Well, this is disappointing," it said peevishly, crossing its arms. "I had hoped I could hold your attention better than your demon-drug-buddy, Randy. You two weren't closer than you were letting on, were you?" That line amuses me because it is kind of an acknowledgement of all the slash fic about Giles' past

Giles smirked to himself. Not allowing himself to be distracted from his writing, he addressed the First without so much as glancing at it. "No, nothing like that. I simply am prepared. I was expecting you to appear like this much sooner."

"Well, I like to save the big guns for last."

Giles didn’t reply, but took a minute to finish his writing. Then he closed his diary, set it aside and turned to face the First with assurance. "You're not her," he said plainly.

The First shrugged. "Fine. So I'm not. But I can tell you what she would say."

Giles observed with confident detachment as the First instantly took on the stance, the airs, the mannerisms, the very essence of Jenny Calendar. I missed the Giles/Jenny cuteness of Season 2. I always thought there was a big lack of resolution when it came to Giles and how he dealt with Jenny's death, and subsequent events. So it was nice to come back to that.

It faced him now as she had in Sunnydale High library six years ago, its every move the perfect echo of the movements Giles had replayed in his mind countless times. "I have to admit, England, the whole 'noble devotion to the cause' thing was part of the attraction. Really, that's what I find most appealing about the character. [Me too. It's that idealism I mentioned earlier] So I try to twist that quality around as much as possible. How you were so determined to face the Master instead of Buffy. How, on parent-teacher night, you begged Buffy to let you fight with her. Even the way you turned your back on me after Angel turned, for Buffy's sake, was somehow admirable. But I've had a lot of time to think since then, and I realized: it was all an excuse." This is the twist. She's not blaming him for her death, she's attacking the very basis of his character. It crossed its arms again, and looked at Giles the way Jenny used to when they bickered about the merits of computer technology. "I mean, you know that Buffy's the hero here. You know she'll shut you down every time you try to fight for her. You knew it even when you went all righteous avenger on Angel for me. You can be just as battle-ready as you want, and never have to worry about making that ultimate heroic sacrifice, because she'll stop you every time."I really do think that this is one of Giles' key characteristics. He's enthused about fighting evil. He wants to save the world. But that's not his job (not that he doesn't like the research thing too). So the First makes it seem very disingenuous. It paused, and it's indignation faded, becoming that odd mix of pity and disillusionment that Jenny showed towards him after her possession. "And it wasn't just major things like that either. You always did what was easy, holing up in that library instead of facing life. I like that the First takes something very basic about his character - that he spends a lot of times with books - something that one normally wouldn't question, let alone judge him on, and spins it into a character flaw. And it's actually a callback to "Prophecy Girl" when Buffy yells at him, "You're so useful sitting here with all your books." It has resonance because of that. You know that Buffy would say the same thing about you running back to England. And, speaking of whom, it was so much easier to hide behind Buffy's anger than to love me back, wasn't it?" Ouch. I love that line. Me too. Love it. It's a different way of thinking about Giles' actions that season, and not necessarily false.

As it gazed at him searchingly through Jenny's eyes, Giles' confidence faltered. As should the reader's at this point. I wanted the First's analysis of Giles to ring true, for the reader to go on the same emotional journey as the character. I wanted the First to very nearly win.

When it spoke again, its voice was tender, yet filled with sorrow and disappointment. "You're a pretender, Rupert. Instance the seventh. You step forward when you're not needed. And when you are needed, ever so desperately, you're nowhere to be found. I found that out the hard way."

Giles turned away from Jenny's gaze, from her accusations and her pity. He struggled to maintain his stony expression, while looking for all the world like he was trying to conjure up memories of times when he was where he needed to be, and helped save the day, though the memories kept eluding him. Dollsome said earlier that the reader's confidence should be wavering at this point, and by the time I read this part for the first time, mine really was. I was going through the same thing as Giles, wracking my brain. It was a while before I remembered the end of season six, duh. But that just proves how effectively Dollsome/The First builds up her argument against Giles.

"So, let's see what we have here," the First said in a business-like manner, and began pacing. The First builds a case in a very methodical, rational way. It presents evidence, analyzes it, and now it's synthesizing the results of that analysis. Based on that, it will then present a conclusion. I think having the First behave this way is much more effective and evil than some of the other incarnations of the First. Like its "you're all going to die anyways, just give up now" line of argument. That was weak. And boring. "You do what needs doing, or at least what you think needs doing. Really, you're a taker, or at least you would be if you weren't so scared. You like to play at being all noble when really, you're a coward. And, interestingly enough, you're not afraid to kill, but you are afraid to die…" The First didn’t notice the odd, secretive smile that appeared on Giles' face, I don't know if it's clear what's going on with Giles at this point. If it's not, that's good, because it makes the next chapter more shocking. Basically, everything the First has said up to this point could be interpreted as true to some extent. When it tells Giles that he's afraid to die, though, he realizes that the whole schpiel is malarkey. Because he knows he's going to die, and he's not afraid. So the sense of truthfulness is broken. as he turned to regard it cooly once again, but it continued summarizing his qualities, "Oh, and you're willing to betray Buffy, can't forget that." Unexpectedly, the First's smirk softened into an expression of concern, "And yet, you love her very much. Despite the fact that you're weak, and afraid, you want to do what's right for her. For all of them. You'll try, but you'll fail. As always." It paused to let it's words seep in.

Giles looked away as if considering what he had just heard, but his odd smile didn't falter.

The First went on, "So, my suggestion is, make things easy on them. And yourself."

Giles turned back to it, smile gone, and cocked his head inquisitively.

The First gets to the point. It has a plan for Giles, it's not just messing with him for the heck of it. The First looked at him with eyes that were intense yet compassionate. Its voice was soft and kind, "Buffy was happy, wherever she was. That was stolen from her. You can send her back again. You can give that same happiness to the others too: Willow, Dawn, Xander... think of all they've gone through. Don't they deserve it? You can give that to the whole world. And to yourself." Its voice became lower; it spoke in a seductive tone that Giles had heard all too seldom. "I can tell from the way you look at me. You know what I am, but seeing me like this - it's enough. You're eager to end this, to be with her again, aren't you?" Shades of "Becoming Part 2". What for me was a very upsetting scene.

Giles didn't respond, but stared at Jenny's likeness intently.

It continued, "You're scared, but I can help you, I can show you how."

Giles’ lips twitched into the odd little smile again. He rose from his chair and walked away from the First. He went to the liquor cabinet, and inspected its contents, selecting several of the miniature bottles. "Thank you for the offer. I'm quite flattered, really." Giles spoke as though turning down a dinner invitation. Bottles in hand, he went to one of the crates of books he was storing in his room, and started rifling through its contents. "However, if you are looking for someone to, er, do your bidding..." He found the book he was looking for – Forester His favourite book, mentioned in "The Dark Age" – straightened up, and turned to the First, smiling genially. "I'm afraid you've just wasted quite a bit of your time." I love that. Classic Giles.

The First stared blankly at Giles as he reclined on the hotel bed, opening one of the liquor bottles and pouring its contents into the tumbler sitting on the nightstand. He opened the Forester book and apparently became immersed in it immediately. His eyes never left the page as he sipped his drink absently, not even glancing up when the First finally burst into a gale of laughter, as though it had just heard the punch line to the funniest joke ever told. The First clues in that Giles may not last the night. Nor did Giles react when Jenny’s laugh changed abruptly to Buffy’s giggles.

But as the sound of Buffy’s laughter died down, Giles grimaced painfully, as he had earlier, his breathing becoming sharp and shallow. The moment soon passed, however. He took a somewhat shaky drink and returned to reading as though nothing had happened.

“You really are the essence of all things British, aren’t you?” the First teased, the same way Buffy used to. That bit, "the same way that Buffy used to," is mine. I point it out because I think it's such a sad, poignant line. “That was some highly skilled repression on your part. The way I figured it was that, as long as Giles wasn't overwhelmingly preoccupied with his mortality, the First wouldn't find out. I’m impressed.”

“Mm, thank you.” Giles responded absently.

“Y’know, I think I’m disappointed.” The First’s tone was light, but surprisingly sincere. “Of course, I’d’ve been satisfied with anyone from the Slayer’s little circle of do-gooders, but I think you and I could’ve made an especially good team.”

“I would have to disagree.”

“And I really enjoyed our little chat.”

“Wish I could say the same.”

“Hey, your curiosity was satisfied. The First picks up on the fact, that is never stated explicitly, that Giles wanted this to happen. He wanted to face the First, be confronted with the darkest aspects of his life and who he is. He wanted to see if he could hold his own against it. And he does, though things were touch-and-go for a bit. So although things are still unresolved between him and Buffy, and the world is still very much in danger, he has some peace of mind knowing that he didn't give in to the First. What more do you want from me?”

“What I’d really like is for you to vacate this universe entirely. Or at least my room.” He briefly glanced at the First over the top of his book. “Let me have a bit of peace.”

The First rolled its eyes, then smiled at Giles in a manner that could be described as fond. It is rather sad, though, that in his final hours, perhaps final minutes even, it's the First-as-Buffy who's at his side, smiling fondly, while Buffy herself is off being mad at him. That's quite a depressing, upsetting thought.

“You do realize what this means, don’t you?”

Giles’ brow creased: he didn’t know. He looked up from his book to see the First grinning at him broadly.

“You and I are going to have a lot of fun together.”

Giles continued to stare. For the first time that evening, he looked truly scared.