As of now...click here for my online journal. This place will just be an archive. Dead.
6th February 2003
Don't it always seem to go, that you dunno what you've got till it's gone..
They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.
If there's one thing that really makes me hate myself it's when I ask for things and then get them, and then ask not to have them. It's like the reverse of the 'dunno what you've got..' thing. It's like I dunno what I havent got until I have it. And now I don't want it. Which just makes me even more of a hypocrit and further away from who I'm tryin to be.
Don't get the wrong impression though, I'm ok. Kinda worried bout this weekend cuz I don't wanna slip back into the hole of death. Right now it's lookin likely so I need to make plans.
Sorry.
3rd February 2003
I painted my whole world black....
And now that the black is peeling off the colours look even brighter than before. It takes so little to make you happy and so little to bring you crashing down. But the more love you give the more love you recieve...so I'm gonna tell myself for the millionith time to communicate anyway anyhow.
Keep in the sunlight.
Why does that seem so hard.
Download Roots of Radicals...it's my new favourite song :D
26th January 2003
Where do I go
This is starting to bring other people down. I've always promised myself that if I ever got this fuked up, it would just be me..and I can see it's gettin to my family.
I hate being around depressed people, but depressed people can't be alone...so what the hell are we supposed to do?
22 January 2003
Whoever said Love knows no fear was obviously a dumbass
Love knows more fear than anything else. If you don't love something/someone, you don't fear that you're gonna screw things up.
'Love knows no fear' was obviously a statement made by someone who was shittin themself as much as I am and was tryin to convince themself otherwise.
Or just a dumbass.
Anyways, the point being..whilst I sound in the same state of worried rambling depression that I've been in for the past 6 months- things are better right now. And I'm grateful for it to an extent that you couldn't even imagine cuz I could really use some happiness right now.
I stand in the hands of God. And so this could be the turning point of everything..or it could fall apart. I'm just gonna need so much faith to keep myself in the sunlight- when so many people are workin on pushin me outa it.
Love will illuminate the night- but it will not illuminate fear.
5th January 2003
Emotional Confusion
Well at least I've come outa emotional suicide. I set up a live journal. Dunno if that was such a smart idea but I did it anyway. It's not gonna be so open as this one though, cuz hardly anyone comes here anyway.
I wish it would snow.
I really don't have the energy to explain myself to you.
Katy
xxxx
15 December 2002
I've had enough of this world, and it's people's mindless games....
...So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flames.
Incubus rock. Especially when everything else sucks.
Christmas has never been so welcome...maybe things'll get better afterwards. On the other hand they could get worse...in which case contemplating suicide might not be such a bad idea.
Anyway. Do you think no one understands or do I not understand that people will understand?
How am I supposed to live the way I wanna when I don't feel the way I want to? I hate hypocrisy...that's the most hypocritical thing I've said today.
Maybe it's just a cry for help. It is just a cry for help. Somehow it doesn't sound so bad when I know no one's listening anyway.
You know I think I'm meant to be doing something aside from talkin to the computer. Merry Christmastime.
Katy xxxx
7 December 2002
God wouldn't have given you strong beliefs if he hadnt wanted you to do something about them
This weekend's been kinda cool.....I just wish I knew...no actually I dont wanna know anything else. I just wanna fit in more. No actually I dont wanna fit in more either I'm happy bein unhappy bein one alone. Like duh.
Some guys are really irratatingly cute.
Motivation. Involvenment. Standing by what you want this world to become.
Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun."
2 November 2002
People wishing to communicate with me should bear in mind the following points...
1. I itch.
2. I hate guys. I just hate them. There was a period of time where they didnt seem that different to girls, and I actually got on well with guys- but no, I hate them. They suck. Ok so I'm being judgemental but i dont care. There probably are decent guys somewhere..so tell me when you find one who actually stays that way. Not appears to be nice but is actually a complete bastard. I'm talkin crap so moving swiftly on to the next point....
3. I Miss You is released tomorrow. I dont like that song much and apparently neither does UK radio. It's gonna flop- sorry to be pessimistic and all but it is :( And you know if the exact same song was released by Garath Gates it would go to No.1) Why are the public so stupid? I hate that word....public. Anyway..
4. I am a massive hypocrite and I really have to work on that.
5. I live for the future of the planet...not the future of my life. I don't matter as much as the rest of the human race is gonna.
6. Despite the first 4 points, if there was no communication there would be no love. And if there was no love everything would be shit, basically. So in the words of Darren- "Communicate, anyway, anyhow."
Katy xxxxx
14th October
Right now...
I feel like the world's throwing me headfirst into somewhere I've never been before and expecting me to find my way around.
Help.
12th October
This is the best chance I'll get to make my dreams come true....what if they don't?
Je pleure en ce moment cuz que tout est tout mélangé vers le haut. Ou peut-être il n'est pas mais je me sens juste comme il est. Toutes ces émotions dues aux amitiés et le concert d' approche sont justes vraiment me succédant.
Une partie de moi ne peut pas attendre jusqu'à ce que tout ce soit espoir juste d'over..I qu'il sera quelque chose que je veux me rappeler pour toujours. Je juste ne puis pas établir si le destin est de mon côté ou pas. Je ne sais pas si je mérite n'importe quoi, ou rien.
Je ne sais pas où je me tiens et je détruis une partie de la valeur des choses I plus. Je ne veux pas me sentir comme ceci mais je suis ainsi paranoïde, et je me sens juste vraiment terrifié que ce que j'ai attendu avec intérêt pour ainsi longtemps ne vivrai pas jusqu' à mes espérances. Ou cet aucun de mes rêves ne viendra vrai.
La vie est ainsi en ce moment... aide étrange.
4th October
It's been a Year
Since the split. Fuck it hurts way more than I thought it would. I feel exactly like I did when I found out. Sitting in the same seat, talking to the same fans. I moved on so much and now, just for tonight, I feel like I've been transported back in time. And coming up to the Darren concert isnt a good time....god I'm gonna cry the next time I hear Crash n Burn.
Some people are so inconsiderate.
The art fingy was really cool. There was a video all about taking things too far...about how we're obsessed with perfection to the extent that it becomes ridiculous..takes over us so that in the end it becomes a mask and we look and act worse than we started off with.
Anyway..."I'm gonna go"
14th September
Untitled
There's a line that Iron Maiden said on one of their tours before they played 'Afraid to Shoot Strangers' that went something like 'It's the politicians that make us go to war and the ordinary people who get killed as a consequence'. Do our leaders not see this??
How can George Bush go through the 9/11 attacks with the rest of his country, experience the terror and grief that they all went to, and still want to do the same thing to another country?
I mean..is he that naive to think that by bombing Iraq he's gonna catch Saddum Hussain? Did it work for Osama Bin Laden? And what's happened to him now anyway? Is he still out, roaming the world?
I am in no way justifying the attacks on America...but revenge is not the way. At least not on people who havent done anything. Why do I get the feeling he respects America a lot more than the rest of the world?
I dont wanna cause conflict I dont wanna offend people...but when are we gonna get a say in anything our politicians decide? None of this is gonna affect them, if America goes to war it will affect the everyday people.
Why do we have to stand back while our world is ruled by people who dont seem to know exactly what they're doing?? It's OUR world...when are we gonna start acting like it? Why are George Bush's decisions and views any more important than mine? Why do people listen to him and not us?
Nothing makes sense.
9th September
Soooo excited
For no apparent reason but DARREN! Oh I just found the YUMMIEST black and white pics that nearly made me cry with excitment. Not literally obviously because I do have a life. Anyway go to the SG photo section. I couldnt put the black and white ones in cuz they were too big but I've put the link to them up. Aside from that...39 days to go!
Forgotten what else I was meant to say..oh yeah...
I'm missin my smile, when did it break?
When did my eyes begin to look fake?
I hope I'm as happy as I'm pretendin to be
Dunno where that came from I'm still findin out. Anyway go to the photo section!! There's one with a guitar!
28th August
Just havin' fun????
Feeling guilty and kinda sorry for myself at the same time as being chilled out and excited and nervous. Confused?? Yeah well I never explain anything as you've probably gathered so I'll leave you to wonder. Anyway for the sake of my insanity I'm now gonna quote things that might help me feel better.
"Take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself.
Ignore those who try to discourage you. Avoid negative sources,
people, places, things and habits. Don't give up and don't give in."
-- Wanda Carter
"I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any
advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out
for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about."
-Henry Ford
"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.
Keep in the sunlight."
-Benjamin Franklin
"Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks,
breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun."
- Mary Lou Cook
"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures.
Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
-William James
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
-Einstein
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon
as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with
too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-82)
Don't think that helped. Gonna go hang out on Darren website now until I have to go get my stuff sorted for school tomorrow. Fun fun.
16th August
3 hours to go Until Darren sings 'I cant help falling in love' which is 99% likely to make me cry. Ohhhh I'm all excited bout the concert now..HURRY UP WITH THE DAMN TICKETS! Sorry had to vent and I really wanna get the transport and stuff organised as well I'm gettin paranoid and oh my god school starts in like 2 weeks. Shit.
Back to Darren (no I'm not obsessed). Yeah BBC1 12:25am dont miss it. Long live the King....Darren that is. But also in dedication to Elvis who did make a hell of a lot of cool music...
7th August It's a red hearted vibration
Idlewild kick ass, depressingly, but go buy it. Spent the last 5 days pathetically trying to Ollie on the grass. Yes, on the grass. Shut up.
Anyway I'm gonna go continue to do that after I finish venting. Cool stuff happenend yesterday involving me and a random dude and a few guys in a car. Yeah..work that one out.
Can't think of much else to say...more like I have too much to say and not enough energy to know how to say it.
That makes no sense. Leave me alone.
17th June It doesnt rain all the time
Yeah...hang on....shut the fuk up! No it dont. You know I've decided to spend this summer doin totally random things and not thinking about the consequences. I dont know where that'll get me but it might be fun. Hi Grahm. Discovered I cant spell your name. Anyway...yeah I'm hopin all this stuff lasts cuz its cool right now and I dont wanna go back to how it was before it all started. Yeah I know you have no idea what I'm on about but its cool to type random crap. Ok, I'm goin.
5 June 2002 I better not have screwed this up
Seriously. Oh my god I am such a prat.
Can't decide whether to piss myself laughing or run away and shoot myself. hmmmmmm....I'll settle for sumthing in between. :'(
28th May 2002
Insane is such a strong word
Spent most of today talking to the cat and dealing with the dead mouse that my dog decided to bring me. Fun.
First entry- 27th May 2002
Somewhere else
I don't wanna be here I wanna be somewhere else...really far away.
Got outa school early and sat on the steps for about half an hour till my half asleep mother came and rescued me. Right now I should be doing something other than telling the computer screen my life story but I really cant be bothered.
Woke up at 2am this morning and felt like I was some kinda zombie in an ancient horror movie. So I opened the curtains so that the moon kinda shone in and then it was kinda cool and freaky at the same time. Then I caught onto the fact that I was going insane and went back to my dream that my family were being smothered by poisonous gas and it was all my fault.
Right now it seems earlier than it actually is. Planning on ignoring the rest of my family when they invade my space and pretending they dont exsist when they look at me as if I've gone completely crakers. They're too normal. It freaks me out. I'd be happier if they were ex-mental instution residents.
Anyway I'm gonna go. Nothing is calling so I should be doing it.
