I remember our 8 year old summers.
We thought we could do anything,
And did,
And then scolded by our
Irresponsible parents.
I remember racing our bikes
Down the street.
You always won until
You convinced me to abandon my
Training wheels.

You were always so fearless
So careless
With your tangled web of brown hair
You could shake into silk
Whenever you needed to
I always felt smaller than you.
Suicidal tendencies made you tall.

ii
I remember our backyard greenhouse of ferns.
When the door was locked to my house.
And my parent's bedroom window
Threw out moans and groans
And a heat greater than the August sun.
We listened at the window.
You stroked my hair, Took my trembling hand,
and led me into the sweltering fern jungle.
"They are making love," you said.
"Why?" I asked innocently, Seconds before innocence was stripped
Like a virgin whore begging for love.
"I'll show you."
We got naked down to our sunburnt asses
And ran in the sprinkler.
You splashed.
I laughed.
Till we both collapsed
In the ferns.
Green, thick, leaving miniature tree impressions
On our wet skin like tattoos.
You pulled out ferns
Like plucking life by the roots.
We talked about trivial detail,
Now a museum of answer
To those childhood questions

You fanned me
Holding a giant fern
Like a Chinese heirloom.

iii I learned of your death
The day after my 10th birthday.
A bloody train accident
Tore you into unrecognizable red mush
and left me with
Questions about death
That you could not answer
Because you were gone
And I knew
It was forever
Tears fell for endless weeks
And I would not talk,
To anyone but you.

I am eighteen now
I know now about making love
And death and things you never got to learn
I still think of you.
I still have picture
You colored and signed "I love you."
With your happy face stickers.
And the old photographs
Show how I don't remember
Your eyes of sadness
Images incomplete constant innocence.
I cross train tracks on foot
Where you lost your body
And I found sparks of adventure
Where yours faded into air.
Your fire drowned
As my flame rose higher
For all to see.
I let it scorch all I touch
Double intensity
for you and me
Possessing
Eternity.

CF