An Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of an
old friend,
by the name of Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but
died in the United States
from heart failure on the brink
of the new millennium.
No one really knows how old he was,
since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to
service
in schools, hospitals, homes, factories
helping folks get jobs done without
fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly
laws, and frivolous lawsuits
held no power over Common Sense.
He was credited with cultivating
such valued lessons
as to know when to come in out of
the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm,
and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound
financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn),
reliable parenting strategies
(the adults are in charge, not the
kids),
and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution,
The Great Depression, and the Technological
Revolution,
Common Sense survived cultural and
educational trends
including body piercing, whole language,
and "new math."
But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.
In recent decades his waning strength
proved no match
for the ravages of well intentioned
but overbearing regulations.
He watched in pain as good people
became ruled by self-seeking lawyers.
His health rapidly deteriorated
when schools endlessly implemented
zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged
with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate,
a teen suspended for taking a swig
of mouthwash after lunch,
and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student
only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools
had to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student
but could not inform the parent
when a female student was pregnant
or wanted an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will
to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses,
criminals received better treatment
than victims,
and federal judges stuck their noses
in everything
from the Boy Scouts to professional
sports.
Finally, when a woman,
too stupid to realize that a steaming
cup of coffee was hot,
was awarded a huge settlement, common
sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense
drifted in and out of logic
but was kept informed of developments
regarding questionable regulations
such as those for low flow toilets,
rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents,
Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers:
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone.
