IN HONOR OF THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF SEPTEMBER 11, 2001
 

I Have Learned ©
by Mark G. Adams
 

I spent my life running from myself.

I ran so hard and so fast that I didn't even realize I was running.  I've learned a lot of things through the years, though.

I have learned that the only true unconditional love 
a person receives in their lifetime, 
other than from the man upstairs,
most often comes from their mother.

I have learned that two people can tear each other apart 
and still sleep next to each other in the same bed. 
I've learned that these same two people can love each other, 
on very deep levels, 
and still not be meant to remain together, 
even though both know how much it's going to hurt to leave.

I have learned that tiny pieces of real wisdom 
can be found in music. 
I've found other things in music, as well, 
such as my lost passions and even my own heart.

I have learned that no matter how much you search 
for forgiveness from God, 
you will never find it until you have forgiven yourself first.

I have learned that before you can let someone else love you, 
you have to learn to love yourself -- 
for how can you believe in the love that someone is offering, 
if you don't believe yourself to be worthy of love?

I have learned that no matter how hard you try, 
you can never completely undo the harm that is created 
when you say or do something hurtful to someone you love.

But the truth be told, these are all things that I have only learned, 
or have come to understand, on some levels. 
I have found myself constantly relearning lessons
because I ran from the shame or reality 
of what they taught me the first time.

I have learned that God eludes those who aren't true to themselves.

I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, 
you cannot protect them from themselves. 
I've learned that you cannot save someone 
who doesn't want to be saved. 
It is best to love them the way they are and leave the rest to God.

I have learned that fears can ruin lives. 
They can cause you to spend so much energy protecting yourself against them that the price you pay is ultimately much higher
than the original cost of facing them to begin with. 
I've seen people ruin relationships because of fear -- 
not simply romantic relationships, 
but every kind of relationship
that is possible to have. 

I have learned that fear will eventually trick you into believing 
that you have convictions about things you don't, 
in order to protect the peacefulness of your false self-perceptions.   This becomes a problem when you finally stop running 
from your own truth and begin the journey back to honesty.   Honesty about who you are, 
what you believe in, what kind of a person you are, 
what you bring to the world to compensate for what you take, 
and, yes, about whether you can truly stand behind
your self-declared convictions. 

In the scheme of things, what good are we to anyone 
if we can't be honest with the only person 
we came into this world with 
and the only person we will leave it with? 

I've watched people rip each other apart 
and sacrifice the only hope that mankind has for a better tomorrow.  The kind of tomorrow that can only be realized through
the efforts of individuals who have been nurtured with the stability, support, love and guidance of an intact family unit. 
This familial sacrifice is made, of course, for numerous reasons, none of which are ever good enough. 
Perhaps the most tragic reason people 
walk away from love is because, 
even though they truly love each other, 
they are unable to admit fault, 
let go of petty grudges, be more selfless 
and see the truth about how precious love and time really are. 

Strange creatures, we are... 
we can put a man on the moon, 
utilize the ozone layer to take x-rays of mountains and caves, create super-computers no bigger than a book, 
create any reality we want 
using high-tech morphing and computer graphics, 
but we can't seem to create a reality for our children 
that is free of fear and contains a promise of peace.

I think it is interesting that we have now learned 
to create clones of ourselves when we haven't learned 
how to truly take responsibility for the actions of the original. 
It's called integrity 
and it is something that very few people can say they have, 
without experiencing inner-turmoil, 
should they be willing to be completely truthful with themselves, about themselves. 

When was the last time you stood up 
for something you really believe in? 
When was the last time you volunteered time to help those 
who know what suffering is about on a very intimate level? 
As much as I wish I could say that I do these things, 
I, like most people, cannot. 
I know I would like to believe that I care, 
but my actions speak differently and ultimately reveal to me, regardless of how difficult it is to admit, 
that I have let myself down 
when it comes to my so-called convictions.

With this in mind, 
would the world be a better place 
if there were less people like me in it? 
I can say, unequivocally, yes.

So just what would Moses, Jesus, Muhammad or Buddha say to us?   I'm sure they would all say that hatred 
is not the way to solve a problem. 
I'm sure they would say that 
before we reach so far beyond our grasps, 
we should understand, 
and learn how to be responsible for that 
which we are already holding in our hands.

Does this mean that we should turn away from technology and discontinue all scientific growth in the future 
until we have mastered the basics of being human? 
No, it simply means that we need to teach our children 
about integrity, character, tolerance and human nature 
before we try to teach them about DNA, 
or of the massive destructive forces 
generated by the anti-matter of a black-hole. 
When was the last time your child caused you to become upset because he or she came home from school with a report card reflecting a C-minus in Personal Character, 
a D-plus in Respecting Others or an F in Philanthropy? 
Is an A in Algebra or Quantum-Physics more important? 

I have learned that I am afraid of growing old 
in the greatest country on the planet Earth, 
because I have seen how disposable our elderly have become. 
I have learned that instead of relishing their wisdom, 
we have discarded them and have allowed them 
to become intimately familiar with loneliness.

I have learned that it is easy to become self-absorbed 
and knowingly ignore the whispering needs of someone I love, because it is not convenient 
or because I am not ready to deal 
with the reality of their circumstances.

If the world is a stressful place to live, 
one that seldom offers any true sense of security, 
comfort and personal fulfillment, 
then we must accept the responsibility for the
fact that such a reality only exists because we created it. 

The East can blame the West for being immoral, 
but would it not be wiser to first look within 
and resolve the problems of their own society? 
Is it not immoral to oppress women and children 
and permit them to be beaten 
because the essence of manhood is so fragile 
that it is dependant upon the humiliation and oppression of those who are physically weaker? 

Americans can't blame the poor and the minorities 
for high crime rates when we, as a people, 
don't stop long enough to really see, listen to and understand 
what these groups have to say about why they are poor, 
what their life experiences have been 
and what is causing the cycles of poverty and violence 
to perpetuate themselves. 

We can't preach equality and justice when we, 
as a country, 
continue to oppress minorities and sit idly by watching 
as the results of this oppression 
causes them to commit suicide, 
to gun each other down on the streets of our own cities, 
or to taint their genetic lineage 
with the legacy of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, 
because their entire tribe is set on drowning the sorrow 
of their lost dreams, and stolen land, 
with intoxicating liquids that we introduced into their culture. 

We cannot stand as innocents, 
painfully holding up the blood from thousands of our loved ones 
as a reminder of the treacherous victimization 
we have been unjustly subjected to while we, 
at the same time, 
have the blood of thousands of our tiny citizens on our own hands. 

I have learned that man can justify murder 
by minimizing it as a simple protection of choice.

I have learned that religious leaders are capable 
of condemning intolerance and hostility while they, 
in the same breath, 
blindly nurture it by blaming the homosexual minority for the woes caused by something they had absolutely nothing to do with. 

As a society, we have lost focus of what life is really all about. 
We have stood by and done nothing while our careers and greed have allowed the average workday to increase 
from eight, to nine, to ten, to eleven hours. 
Yet, we seem to not understand why our latchkey children 
are murdering each other on the playgrounds 
of our nation's schools. 
Indeed, we are offering the future of our children 
as a sacrifice to the gods of our own materialism. 

As a culture, 
we feed pills to the multitudes in order to alleviate depression, instead of rectifying the very mistakes that have generated 
an atmosphere which nurtures our unhappiness 
and has caused us to overflow with emptiness. 

As a people, 
we are pointing our fingers at each other 
and blaming everyone else for our unhappiness 
instead of realizing that the deep, lasting peace and security 
we search for can only be realized when he have freed ourselves from the dishonesty of our own hypocrisy. 

As a world, 
we do not respect the very planet that sustains our existence.  Instead, we have created a planet of people that have to keep track of whether the air we breathe on a daily basis 
is flagged as green, yellow, orange or red. 

As a species, we are failing.

If we wish to rid our world of terrorism and oppression, 
then we cannot continue to raise children of intolerance 
or children who don't have the ability 
to put someone else's needs before their own. 
We cannot continue to look away from the very problems 
that are causing us to raise children 
who will only perpetuate our current misery 
because they are doomed to creating new problems that are exactly the same as the ones we have today -- 
the kind of problems that prevent us 
from loving one another and reconciling our differences 
with other cultures and peoples without killing them.

I have learned that the word universe, 
when subdivided, 
stands for one-song... 
something that the ancients, 
who named it, 
must have understood long ago, 
yet has been forgotten by our more "advanced" civilizations. 

I have learned that today is tomorrow's legacy.

I have learned that I can talk about what I have learned, 
but it means nothing if I am unable to stand firmly 
in my own convictions and act upon them. 
I have learned that a difference will never be made, 
unless people like myself commit to making one.

I have learned that I ache, deep within me, for a gentler time. 
For a time when we, as a whole, can stand as one, 
and say with conviction, 

"We Have Learned."

Copyright  © 2002 Mark G. Adams 
 
 

Author's Comments

I wrote the majority of this essay two weeks after the disasters 
of September 11, 2001.

There were many things weighing upon my heart 
and I felt an incredible need to make sense out of what I was feeling, or to at least put my feelings into words, 
in hopes of being able to somehow lessen their burden. 

I searched very deep within myself 
and the result of my search ended up in the form of an essay, revealing what has become my personal version of truth. 
They are the truths of my reality, 
what the world has taught me and what I have observed about life.   Many of these truths brought me sadness, 
but they were my truths nonetheless.

I set the essay aside and did not attempt to change it, 
or even read it, 
for many months. 
When I finally did bring myself to read it, 
I knew that it was powerful because of how much it affected me.  Nothing I have ever written has affected me the way this essay has.

After a few more months, I found the ability to critique the essay.  The process was difficult because it required me to read, 
over and over, 
about things that I would rather have avoided thinking about.  Indeed, it is human nature to avoid discomfort. 
After a while, though, I decided to create the second draft 
and begin sharing it with my family and friends.

The response I received was overwhelming 
and brought me an incredible sense of purpose. 
After much encouragement to have it published 
and read on a vast level, 
I decided to honor the one-year anniversary of the tragedy 
that provoked its creation, 
by posting it on the Internet.

I'm hoping that it will affect change. 
It is one of my attempts at being true to my convictions 
and contributing to the change that I truly believe is so necessary 
in the world today. 
It is, I believe, only the first of many convictions 
that I will be standing by in the future.

If it reached within you and caused you to feel something 
deep inside of yourself, then I invite you to email me at: ihavelearned911@aol.com. 
I'd love to hear about how it affected you. 
I also invite you to share it with the people 
you love and care about. 
I invite you to make a commitment to yourself 
and the world that you live in,
by making a real effort at giving of yourself. 
Go spend quality time with someone you love, 
but have been neglecting. 
Go volunteer your time toward a cause that you believe in, 
but have never taken the time to actually commit to. 
I invite you to step outside of your comfort zone, 
make a concerted effort toward standing behind your convictions...   and make a difference. 

It will be noticed. 

Wow Mark...
This is powerful!
My Heartfelt Thanks 
for allowing Me to share your essay...
I am honored!