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Believe
Believe what you will,
Remember what you want,
Speak the truth from my heart will I.
Believe in what is proven,
Remember what is important,
Think what you will,
My heart is my guide.
Know who you are,
You heart knows what is right,
For it truely knows who you are.
Dead To Me
A letter came the other day
To inform me she’d gone on
She was the best friend of mine, but that was long ago.
She’d gone on before, leaving me behind
Now she’d done it again
How was I supposed to feel?
It sent me down memory lane
To summers of laughter and fun
Winters of warmth and cheer.
It ended up she’d gone on again
But she couldn’t stop and wait along the way
She’d left me behind for good and there wasn’t
anything I could do.
Your Face
Your face haunts me where ever I may go
I look dejected to the world around
I wonder where you are and I begin to feel the burn
I wonder what you’re doing and I can feel the hurt
Every which way I turn you’re there and then you’re not
Drudge up every memory, every thought
And the heartache just tears right through me
I smile at you expectantly only to find it’s not you at all
Happiness crumbles back within
And your face haunts me again.
Savior
Torn within
Can’t defend myself much more
Lost and lonely
Nothing worth fighting for
I close my eyes and say goodbye
And there is pain
I cry and wish to die
And he is there
Calming and persuading
Trying hard to disuade me
Anger and confusion moving in
His willingness to die at my side
Brings the pain crashing again
Seep unto the floor
My desire to escape all those knowing eyes
Consenting to live another day
Torn within, lost and lonely, and there is pain.
Misery’s Company
Hide from the world
Problems unescapable
Crying solving nothing
Worry eats away
Sanity far from here
Moans from the masses
Driven to drink
All hope gone away
Slaved by debt
World living constant misery
Depression a contageous disease
Minds always set in unease
Kindness acts suspicious
Hearts become stone blocks
Happiness is few and far between
Meet, marry, mate as the world looks away
Life begate and death arrives
Light fades and evil prevails
Misery comes home to company.
Bottled Up
Bottle it up
Stuff it away
Never to see the light of day
It festers and eats away
Steals your soul
And keeps happiness away
It all builds up inside
Something small sets it to blow
It floods out in a torrent
In pain and anger there is relief
Enjoy the humaness
You turn around
And it starts again.
Play With Me
Suddenly I’m psycho and you don’t understand
The mind games haven’t phased you
My reaction wasn’t what you planned
Obviously you underestimated what you do
Who’s this with her crazed dreams and shattered thoughts
She’s been specially created just for you know who
You and your psychedelic plots
All the things, dates, and questions you blew
Haven’t realized the consequences you drew
Didn’t you think I’d catch on
To outwit you doesn’t take brawn
Run, hind, cry, do whatever you want
Eventually I’ll find and catch you
I’m not like other girls
Won’t make a scene or rant
Get and give what you have and maybe a little extra too
What comes around goes around
Somehow it really doesn’t seem enough
Hang your head unto the ground
We’ll see if you’ll be tough
He is so sad and pathetic
Can’t even take what he gives.
Grief
I’m supposed to write to get it out
All my worries
All my fears
All my querries
All my tears
I can’t see the point to all of this
All my anger
All my hate
All my hunger
All my taint
I wonder about all the relief that is supposed to result
All my dreams
All my wonders
All my screams
All my blunders
I knew this wouldn’t work
All my pain
All my affection
All my gain
All my rejection
I wonder how many others have been promised relief
All my sorrows
All my guilt
All my tomorrows
All my filth
I try to find the logic behind this
All my faith
All my sadness
All my breath
All my happiness
I know no one will understand me
All my hurt
All my fight
All my flurt
All my sight
I can’t imagine what they’ll make of me
All my rage
All my torment
All my courage
All my adornment
I’m sure I’ll cause no pain
All my confusion
All my joys
All my disillusion
All my ploys
I prefer to keep to myself
All my excitement
All my mistrust
All my enlightment
All my disgust
I still sense no relief after all these thoughts
All my regrets
All my words
All my debts
All my... nothing
I know he’s gone without goodbyes
All my tears
All my fault
All my scars
All my guilt
Won’t ever make it go away.
Things Within
Her heart is like ice
Body licked by firey flames
Precious heart not good enough to suffice
Demons haunt her devious games.
Cannot outrun nor hide
Announced her challenge to her demons
Seems like a great plan for suicide
Fights hard not to show her true feelings.
The gauntlet down, the fight begins
Like fun house mirrors, her lies distort
Ghost haunting take shape as fear stand-ins
Monsterous rage builds, til angry words report.
Duty sees fit to go to work
Break down the chaos and fix
Light breaks through were shadows lurk
Goodness and evil proceed to mix.
Coldness and ice melt away
Discovering deep inside, an angel’s soul
Burns and scars fade today
As eveil prepares to pay its toll.
Drama Queen
She takes center stage
Her little lies forming and shaping
Reading her script and turning the page
The audience never misses a taping.
Face making subtle emotional changes
Eyes pretending to be what they’re not
Voice hitting the correct ranges
Mind busy in its cunning plot.
Win their hearts and make the laugh
You’ve reached your objective and bored you’ve become
Oh! How dumb we’ve all been, caught to late in her trap
Served your purpose before you’re even welcome.
Busy our drama queen has been
Career all mapped out, details flawless
Stepping on as many as she can
Apparently to herself she blieves lawless.
The lights go down
Crowds disperse
Drama queen on her way, cheers lets drown
Hung over for the next days rehearse.
Ode To The User “Friend”
New book, different story line
Really past time I moved along
It’s been a difficult climb
To find someplace cool to belong.
Out with the old and in with the new
As if, you hadn’t already gotten the clue
Don’t call or write to talk to you
When ever I’m around you, feel as though I’ve been screwed.
I come back with a strange attitude
Can’t mold or shape me to represent your form
I really misjudged your aptitude
Somedays you’re an absolute moron.
So goodbye and good luck
Can’t say as I’ll miss you much
Mind your business, keep your thoughts to yourself cuz I don’t give a fuck
Oh and remember what shit everything becomes after your wonderful, wonderful touch.
Snake Eyes
You tantalize and tell your lies
Can’t even see what a snake you’ve become
Can’t care about the rumors that are like flies
For you just another homerun.
Don’t care what they have to say
Never thinking about the looks you gave
Just go on about your pathway
Could care less that parts of it are unpaved.
Can’t you see I”m not what you want me to be
Never going to change, not for you or nobody
I’ll always be free
You can take your list of demands straight to hell.
Cuz I’m always going to be me.
Moonlit Waters
The tide washes in
Cleansing the marks of use
From the ghostly white beach
The water plays it’s mysterious song
A soft breeze its accompaniment
Forever will the melody haunt
Pale moon reflected on the sea top
Moonlight flooding onto the sand
The light changes under moonlit waters
Tomorrow castles with trenches and turrets
Will spring from the earth
Until moonlit waters come again.
Maiden To The Moon
Oh pale, lonely moon, grant me something special...
Love of all loves and man of all men!
Perhaps of ring of some precious metal?
A small home with a comfy den?
Oh sorrowful moon, grant me something wonderful...
A few precious babes, no matter boy or girl!
I’d name a girl for you, Selene or Diana?
Maybe tell them of a man who came to live with you?
Oh magical moon, grant me something beautiful...
Fairy tale of all fairy tales, happy ending of all endings!
A love, a family, a story so perfect and true?
For all this I bless you!
Great beauty of beauties, wonder of all wonders!
What tranquility and mystery God hath given you?
And what of your gentleman caller, is it true?
Oh gracious moon, thank you...
Naive
I want to cry, to let it all out, not to feel sorry, just express some emotion.
Hard to feel happy, when you’re dying inside,
impossible not to feel the heartache, yet you past on a face.
Pride battered and bruised, tough to bear, soul feels like it’s not even there, mind marches on.
Grit your teeth, and swallow the pain, memories bring it back again, you die a little more.
Breathing fire in the chest, difficult to find the will to live, want to go back to sleep, and wake as someone else.
Sadness brings tears to my eyes, innocense brutally crushed, changed wholey forever more, never again what I was back then.
Jumble Insane
The answer’s gone
No one knows or wants to
It’s less hurtful, not knowing.
I’m here left alone
Sometimes I imagine my body blue
My life not near as exciting as it used to.
Questions filter through the dark
Gun shots and screams slither through the fog
People walk along as if in a trance.
People glance and stare at my devil’s mask
Dirty faces and shadows dance in the smog
I want to pull my hair and shock them, so I do my devil’s prance.
Sometimes I wonder if I dream
Tied here, deep in hell’s liar
Where the sanest of the insane are captive.
Joker
Anger and rage boil within
I’m ready to burst
Can’t hide it, can’t fight it anymore
I’m ready to scream
Questions burning inside
I’m ready to blurt
Eyes turning wide
I’m ready for shame
Mind scheming up a plot
I’m ready for action
The joker stumbles in
I’m ready for battle
He makes idle chatter
I’m ready to accept
Cracks a joke and I am laughing
I’m ready to blunder
Smile strikes like thunder
I’m ready to surrender
Smile, joke, feel better
I’m ready for light
Thunderous darkness fades away
I’m ready for sunshine
Disappears the jokerman
I’m ready for the loss
Goodbye my jester friend
Should Not Be
You aggravate,
And immitate.
Still I run to you,
Talk with you.
Untruthes and lies,
No compromise.
Yet I follow,
When you cause me sorrow.
Arrogant with pride,
Haughty and snide.
Tears from my eyes,
Like rain from the sky.
Cold hearted and calculating,
Ever complicating.
And still I try,
With no reason why.
Bother
It’s a weight upon my shoulders
A stiffness in my spine
Mind blocked by boulders
Insist that all is fine.
When your still fresh in thought
Loneliness throughout my soul
My love life in severe draught
Heart still on parole.
Can’t seem to forget you
With every breathe my thoughts wander
Heart crying for you too
Still I ask myself why I bother.
The Dark
I only want for someone to understand
Feeling lost and alone
Staring into the dark
Why can’t my world be filled with light
Doesn’t someone share my plight
In the dark I imagine all I see
Each phantom I wish to be
Renewed heartache when they fade
Is He so cruel to everyone
Or am I the unlucky soul
Everything’s perfect in that phantom world
Just once I’d like to be that phantom girl
Instead I’m here looking in
Within The Shadows
Shadows begin to creep
When I should be asleep
Fears begin to shape
Reality held together by tape.
Pull the covers up over my eyes
Some of the things I was told were lies
Things from nightmares are real
My face shows all that I feel.
Don’t breath and lay very still
Each wimper, another little pill
Afraid of things lurking in the dark
Have I, secretly been given a mark.
A visible scar that I cannot see
Targeted for all the things I wish to be
Closet door knob turning in my sight
Wishing never to be alone in the night.
Want
I spend my days wasting time
Each hour passes so slowly by
And I cannot wait any longer
I need to feel you; to touch you
Or all I have is lost
My mind is spinning out of control
Body is ready to burst from within my soul
Cannot understand this need
Just know that my heart must feed
Get lost in your eyes
And the world takes a step away
Reality crumbles and fades
If this is a dream I never want to wake
Your kisses send me to outerspace
There is no time to hesitate
Or everything I know will break
Second chair to everything but you
Could this be fate
And will my heart break
Lonely Girl
I’m just a lonely girl
Confined to these four walls
A tarnished and forgotten pearl
Unnoticed walking down these halls.
Can’t figure out what makes me different
How I just don’t seem to be here
What exactly makes me so subservient
Is there something I miss when I look in the mirror.
I’m destined to be the lonely girl
Watching everyone around me be caught up in each other
Would things be different if I were the daughter of an Earl
I try to fit in, I don’t even know why I bother.
Decision To Love
I awake from this hell
Slowly pacing the life that is my cell
Watching hope slip away
And see happiness kept at bay
Reality slips and flies by
All I can do is close my mind and cry
Tears slip down my face and I look to the sky
I’ve never felt so helpless before
Can’t make myself step through that one-way swinging door
Where things are uncomfortable and new
A place where it makes sense to have you
Back in this spot where time is under key and lock
It’s scheduled and I pace listening to the clock
Decisions hard to make
Promises tougher to break
I don’t want to just jump right by
Because in the end he’ll make me feel like I want to die
Sweet Distraction
You’re stuck in my head
Egging me to be something I thought I never could be
You make me feel beautiful
When in fact I know I’m not
How can you be so good for me
I thought I was doing fine on my own
You turned everything inside out and upside down
And all I can think of is you
The sweetest distraction I’ve ever known
I could easily fall in love
Because already you’ve got me missing you
And it’s all just so unfair
Asleep
I calm down and close my eyes
My body starts to unwind
I think about life and unscramble all the lies
All the fear and rage escaping my mind.
I never wanted this
Couldn’t bring myself to hurt you
In ignorance there is bliss
Thought of all of this a time or two.
You are so close to me
And I am already asleep
I am nothing you wanted me to be
Turn the lights off, so away I can creep.
I calm down and close my eyes
I never wanted this
You are so close to me
And already I am asleep.
Sorry For Yourself
It’s hard not to wonde why
Or find feeling sorry for yourself
Harder still to fight the urge to cry.
On days like these
You find yourself playing make believe and telling lies
Hoping someone will hear our pleas.
Doesn’t matter what you think
You can always find something sad in most everything
Tears running down your face before you can even blink.
Cry and cry until the tears run dry
Everything bottled within
Difficult to stop once you begin as you might try.
Let the pain seep out with each scalding tear
All the mistakes and heartrending sobs
Wondering vainly if God can hear.
Your worst fears come alive this day
God wouldn’t give you more than you can take
Rest your tired body and spent mind, just lean against the pillows and lay.
Things will no doubt turn out for the best
A good cry will always help
So lay down your weary heart and rest
No more feeling sorry for yourself.
Uneasy Sadness
I want to run and hide
To hide the crying inside
Shelter for my sadness
Alone with my unhappiness.
No one understands why
So alone I must cry
Bottle it up and store it away
Harder to deal wtih, each passing day.
My heart is dying
Anger and grief multiplying
Diffiuclt not to share my pain
Tied to me as a chain.
Crying Heart
She died without saying goodbye,
It didn't mean much at the time,
Now each day goes by,
And my heart cries.
I feel the pain,
With each passing day,
But it just won't go away,
No matter how much I say goodbye.
So I wander all alone,
Standing here in the rain,
On your final resting plain,
Whispering my sorrow,
My heart crying in my breast,
While I wish you a peaceful rest.
It hurts to look at our memories,
Blinded by light and pretty color,
To see you smiling and enjoying life,
One that was ended shrouded in mysteries.
No painful silences and no heartbreaking tears,
Saying goodbye was not on your mind,
Elegance and grace followed you in everything,
But in death it doesn't show through.
She died without saying goodbye,
Knowing in your heart what others do,
You brought down the curtain,
With a shattering crash,
And no final adieux,
Yet applause follows through,
And my heart cries for you.
Untitled
Every time I open this precious mailbox of mine,
It’s as if fate has commanded it to be so,
I wait and stare, hoping and praying,
Crossing my fingers that your presence has been there,
I feel my whole world drop back as I wait in suspense.
I wait to see if you have been here,
And find that you have not,
A breathless feeling and the pound of my heart just of thinking of all that could be,
I feel lonely and wonder where you are,
Hoping that you aren’t hurt and I many never know,
Writing to you to make myself feel better,
A sense of shame for feeling greedy and a feeling of depression,
That I’m all alone in a world of love.
I wait to see if you have been here,
And find that you have,
I feel a blush stain my cheeks,
A wonderful happiness flowing through out my veins,
Smiles coming easily to what beautiful things you have thought,
Seeing from a point so far above, but yet knowing how your day has gone,
Joy floats to every cell, and a peaceful harmony settles into my mind,
A restful, content feeling of knowing you’re alright.
This is how I feel of just words thought and wrote by you,
If fate decides to ever let us meet,
I could be no happier than I am,
By just reading you,
Know that I love as you love,
And that we’re not alone in a world of love.
Who Are You?
I realize now I never really knew who you were
Now in retrospect I wonder if that was your desire
In life you were joyous and beautiful
Or so you seemed on the outside
I’d bet there was a war going on inside
But always the chaos and disorder was hidden behind a smile
Always in my times of need
You knew and the friend inside stepped out to say, “Hi!”
Giving me the best advice and a comfortable shoulder to cry on
One moment I knew you were fine and the next the oxygen was sucked from my chest
It tore me a part inside, my heart ached, and oh did I cry
Still from afar when you know I’m in need
You whisper to my heart and my heart knows
That somewhere you’re still with me, if only in my dreams
I never really knew the you behind the mask
Failing as most do to seperate you from your past
So did I ever recognize the part of you behind the mask
To you I whisper who are you?
Night Terrors
Mind locked in terror
Can't make my eyes open
Screams echoing my horror
Try to vocalize what happen.
My own sobs choke
Tears burn my cheeks
Voice seems to be broke
Rest of the night seems bleak.
Wish you were here
To wipe my eyes and care
Because then I'd have less to fear
And less loneliness to bare.
Prayer
Can't make sense of all these thoughts,
I am so confused,
Everything I thought I always wanted,
Doesn't make sense.
All these people in my life I brought,
Being all but used,
Never remember to keep my feet planted,
Sometimes I'm so dense.
Wish I knew how to make these feelings stop,
Make my past go away,
Pray to God the end is in sight,
The beginning of the end of all my running.
Remember to keep my heart under lock,
Because in the end I could pay,
And may one day I see the light,
End my days of sinning.
Lord, I pray, take away,
Scorching tears from the pain,
Heal the scars that eyes cannot see,
Memories I'd rather forget.
Forget all these thoughts and start anew today,
Let my soul be cleansed by the rain,
Awake and become all I wish to be,
Please, let me have nothing more to regret.
Oh Lord, this is my prayer.
Wrong Side
We were two kids playing at bein adults
A girl from the wrong side of town
And a boy as golden as he could be
It all started out so innocently
Someone to depend on other than me
Right near junior year things changed drastically
Five years later a ring on my finger
Bouncing a four year old on my knee
How did we ever get here I'll never know
But I'm glad he decided on me
Somedays I wish I could go back and do it differently
Other days I'm glad he's coming back home to me
There are days I think back and think
He coulda done better than me
All the girls in town pantin after his money
How did we ever get here I'll never know
But it goes to show how much he loves me
A couple years later down that same ole road
Little ones running and growing like weeds
I think back about those two kids
The towns very own golden boy
And the girl from the wrong side of town
How did we ever get here I'll never know
But I thank God everyday that the golden boy's with me
