Celebrity Jeopardy
RomanStyle®
Trebek: (Looking towards the contestants and whispering) You know I don’t know why in Hades I even bother… (looking towards the crowd) Ehem. What I was saying was Welcome to another rousing addition of Celebrity Jeopardy. This is our second annual “Ancient Roman” edition, and we are pleased to welcome three new contestants. If you are unfamiliar with last years game, we had a bit of trouble with our contestants. One turned out to be an inebriated monk, another a cross dressing Vestal, and of course the bane of my existence Mr. Sean Connery. You may have been wondering why Mr. Connery was included in our ancient Roman edition, and no he isn’t that old. It seems that our third contestant Mr. Publius Vergilius Maro, was indisposed. Apparently he was busy guiding some Alighieri guy through the underworld. Thus Mr. Connery filled in against my better judgment. I am so sorry. This year however we have three magnificent, and very ancient, contestants. And my producers have assured me that the vile Mr. Connery is far away in Scotland.
Connery: Aye, Laddie they lied. Ah ha!
Trebek: I don’t believe it, how did you get here Mr. Connery? I had it on high authority that you were in Scotland.
Connery: You sound like you aren’t happy to see me.
Trebek: Well as a matter of fact, I hate you.
Connery: That’s not what you said last weekend.
Trebek: What are you talking about…No, I don’t care. Our other contestants are the famous prophetess Cassandra.
Cassandra: Hi.
Trebek: And the infamous King of Thebes Oedipus.
Connery: Oed-i-pus, ah Trebek you’re making it to easy on me. Well, Ed I’ve never heard of you. You’re the King of Thebes, is that like King of Theives. You don’t look like Robin Hood. Where are your green tights, man?
Oedipus: What are you talking about? Green tights? I have enough trouble as is without wearing tights.
Connery: Well, do you at least rob from the rich and give to the poor?
Oedipus: Do I what? Of course not, I’m blind man.
Connery: And you call yourself the king of thieves.
Trebek: Thebes, Mr. Connery, Thebes.
Connery: I’m on to you, Trebek, and your band of merry men. Ah ha! So you’re blind, huh?
Oedipus: Yes
Connery: What happened, a “Broach” of security? Ha ha
Trebek: All of our celebrities are playing for charities, Cassandra, what are you playing for?
Cassandra: I am playing for the national endowment for priestesses and prophets.
Trebek: That doesn’t even exist.
Cassandra: It will. Believe me, it will.
Trebek: Whatever. Oedipus, what charity are you playing for.
Oedipus: I don’t need your charity. I didn’t know she was my mother.
Trebek: No, Oedipus, not charity but charity.
Connery: Well that clears it up.
Trebek: I mean what charitable organization are you planning to donate your winnings?
Oedipus: Oh, sorry, I am playing for the “Every child has a mother” organization. We help to reunite nothi to their rightful mother, before…well you know.
Trebek: Yes, I fear we all do… And of course Mr. Connery, for whom do you play?
Connery: Your mother.
Trebek: Please Mr. Connery, leave my mother out of this. That’s out of line.
Connery: I see no line.
Connery: Yes, well, I am playing for the Sean Connery Foundation for Retarded Midget Children.
Trebek: Wonderful, does your foundation support mentally challenged, vertically challenged, youth?
Connery: God no, I keep the money for myself and poke fun at retarded midgets. For God sake, man, I’m Scottish, and they’re midgets.
Trebek: Yes, yes, well. Well without further ado let us proceed with the game. The categories for the Jeopardy round are Famous Couples, Famous Dates…
Connery: Those seem to go together. I seem to recall a date that I had with your mother.
Trebek: Yes, well, we also have Seduced by Zeus, In What Form, Figures of Speech, and No, thus. This last category is one of logic. You will be given two choices, one of which will be wrong. I will say it is not “x”, thus it must be “y”. It that clear? (Everyone nods) Mr. Connery, is that clear? (He nods) Well then, let us begin. Cassandra, you won the coin toss backstage…
Cassandra: Naturally.
Trebek: So why don’t you pick the first category.
Cassandra: What is a bull?
Connery: What are you talking about?
Trebek: Cassandra, please pick a category.
Cassandra: What is a bull?
Connery: Do you mean to tell me that you don’t know what a bull is? My god woman, it is a male cow. A horned heifer. A Brahma…
Trebek: That’s enough Mr. Connery. I think she gets the point. Since you are so eager, why don’t you pick a category?
Connery: I’m on to your trickery, Trebek. I’ll take “Famous Couples” for three gagillion billion zillion.
Trebek: Mr. Connery, you have to pick an actual dollar amount. Why don’t you try “In what form” for $200. (1) “In what form did Zeus seduce the maiden Europa?”… (PAUSE) Anyone? (PAUSE) No one? The answer is of course “What is a bull?”
Connery: Are you kidding me man, I just explained that to her. A bull is…
Trebek: Yes, Mr. Connery, we remember your educational lesson.
Cassandra: What is 23 AD?
Trebek: What was that Cassandra?
Cassandra: I said, “What is 23 AD?”
Connery: Are you Trojan, or just plain retarded?
Cassandra: The answer to the next question is “What is 23 AD”.
Trebek: Cassandra, please, if you want to pick a category, please do so. If not, please be quiet. Well, do you want to choose a category? (She shakes her head no.) Well then, unfortunately, Mr. Connery it is still your board.
Connery: I’ll take the Famous Dates category, because as you know Trebek I have had my share of famous dates.
Trebek: Mr. Connery, this category is about famous dates in the Roman Empire, not social dates.
Connery: Roman Empire, eh, well I remember this gal Eos, she fancied the shepherds. Well my friend Endymion and I were flocking with the sheep, and well one thing led to another…
Trebek: GREAT! Lets take Famous dates for 200 (2) “This year is designated as the beginning of the golden age of literature in the ancient world.”
Connery: 1945
Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, you are not even close. And please answer in the form of a question.
Connery: What is 1945?
Trebek: No Mr. Connery, I told you already that the answer in not 1945.
Connery: 1944?
Trebek: No.
Connery: Am I getting closer?
Trebek: Yes, but you are nearly 2000 years off.
Connery: 1934?
Trebek: No
Connery: Am I at least within two?
Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, does anyone else care to ring in.
Cassandra: 23 AD
Trebek: (looking at everyone except Cassandra) Anyone?
Cassandra: What is 23 AD?
Trebek: No one? Well of course it was 23 AD
Cassandra: That is what I said.
Trebek: No it isn’t. Oedipus, why don’t you choose the category.
Oedipus: Oh, alright, I will take Famous Couples for 500.
Trebek: (3) What famous Theban married his mother and begat four children? Anybody? Oedipus, you should know this…Oedipus, just ring in and state your name. And that’s time.
Connery: Wait, wait, wait. So Ed, let me get this straight. She was your wife and mother?
Oedipus: Yes, but I didn’t mean…
Connery: Oh, I can’t make this stuff up. Where do you get these guys Trebek? Mommy.
Oedipus: Hey, I didn’t know.
Connery: Hi Sigmund Freud I would like to introduce you to Oedipus.
Oedipus: Who is Sigmund Freud?
Cassandra: He will write about you in the future.
Oedipus: Like Sophocles
Cassandra: Well, not exactly…
Connery: Your mother and your wife?
Trebek: Let’s not dwell on this, Mr. Connery.
Connery: Well I can’t in good conscience not poke fun at him. It would be like walking by a midget in a toga and not laughing, it just isn’t right.
Trebek: Oedipus, please, pick a category.
Oedipus: I’ll take figures of speech for 300.
Trebek: Very well, (3) “This figure of speech is characterized by “ABBA” word order.”
Connery: You’re a Canadian pansy.
Trebek: What are you talking about?
Connery: It’s a figure of speech, man.
Trebek: Not that kind of figure of speech, Mr. Connery, a rhetorical figure of speech.
Connery: Do you like dogs, or do dogs like you?
Trebek: That comment is out of place Mr. Connery.
Connery: Aye laddie, but it was rhetorical.
Trebek: That it was, as well as disdainfull, and mean-spirited.
Connery: Awe, Trebek, did I hurt your feelings?
Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, but I fear that there are those out there whom you have offended.
Connery: I am truly sorry.
Trebek: Really?
Connery: Of course not you dimwitted coot.
Trebek: Yes, well, I should have expected that. Meanwhile the answer was of course chiasmus.
Connery: I have to ask you about the Nothus category, Trebek.
Trebek: The what?
Connery: The Nothus category man.
Trebek: What! No, no Mr. Connery that is No, thus. It describes a person who was born out of wedlock.
Connery: I can read Trebek, and it says Nothus.
Trebek: NO IT DOESN’T!!! … Sorry to yell, but Mr. Connery you make me furious. Let’s try NO, THUS for 500.
Cassandra: What is a man?
Connery: Good god woman, are you really that dense?
Trebek: (4) “Mars was not a woman, thus he must be a blank.”
Oedipus: A sheep.
Trebek: No.
Connery: A duck.
Trebek: No. Please Mr. Connery this one is easy. Of course the answer was “What is a man?”
Connery: I swear man, if you didn’t read from a card you would be lost. How do you claim to be smart when you don’t know what a man is?
Trebek: I KNOW WHAT A MAN IS!!!
Connery: I bet you do laddie, I bet you do. Ah ha!
Trebek: Well, I walked right into that one. Oedipus please, I beg of you pick a category.
Oedipus: I’ll try famous couples for 500.
Trebek: (5) “This famous Roman couple of love and war proved that opposites attract.”
Cassandra: Who are Aress and Aphrodite?
Trebek: No, I am sorry, I need the Latin names.
Connery: Who are Ares and Aphrodite?
Trebek: Mr. Connery I already told Cassandra that her answer was wrong, so why did you ring in and say the same thing?
Connery: No really, who are Ares and Aphrodite?
Trebek: Mr. Connery, this is the ancient Roman addition of Celebrity Jeopardy, and you do not know who Ares and Aphrodite are?
Connery: Roman? Well that explains it. I thought that it was the ancient roaming edition of celebrity Jeopardy. I thought I could meet some swinging sexagenarians.
Trebek: Do you even know what that word means.
Connery: Well it begins with sex, so it has to be good.
Trebek: It means sixty year-olds.
Connery: Well, that explains even more…
Trebek: You are a deeply troubled man Mr. Connery.
Trebek: Oedipus it is still your board.
Connery: Pick the Nothus category.
Oedipus: (Angrily) Why? Just because I killed my father? Huh?
Connery: Take it easy man, I just wanted to see Trebek get his panties in a wad.
Trebek: That's lovely Mr. Connery.
Connery: And it's a figure of speech.
Trebek: That's nice.
Connery: Give me my points, man.
Trebek: What points?
Connery: You know darn well what points. The points I get for giving you a figure of speech.
Trebek: Mr. Connery you have to answer a question that I ask you.
Connery: Well, I can’t foresee the future like this yahoo over here.
Cassandra: Mr. Connery I don't appreciate the insult, and I'm Trojan.
Connery: What racial slur, you Cretin.
Cassandra: As I said I'm Trojan.
Connery: No, no, not (6) "Cretan", but "Cretin" You know, dullard, half-wit, idiot, imbecile...
Trebek: I think we all know what you mean Mr. Connery. You do realize that of the five questions that we have actually asked, none have been answered. Please Oedipus pick another question.
Oedipus: I'll take 500 "Seduced by Zeus" for.
Trebek: Very well, (7) "This Princess was seduced by Zeus in the form of a white bull?
Connery: Your mother.
Trebek: Oh, how original, Mr. Connery.
Connery: Well she is a heifer, so I just thought that it fit.
Oedipus: & Cassandra: (Oh) - I'll explain
Trebek: THAT IS ENOUGH MR. CONNERY!!!
Connery: Oh, I've only just begun!
Trebek: I hate you Sean Connery.
Connery: But I love you.
Trebek: Really?
Connery: Of course not, you Canadian trollop.
Trebek: (Mumbles things under his breath) Well you know what that sound means.
Oedipus:&Connery:&Cassandra: What sound?
Trebek: That sound means that the Jeopardy round is over, but please stay tuned for the Double Jeopardy round. And now a word from our sponsors.
Trebek: Today’s show is brought to us by the following sponsors:
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Trebek: Thank you very much, and now for Double Jeopardy. As for the last round, I apologize to Robin Hood, all midgets, Cretans, Canadians, and shepherds. I would like to assure you that in this round all players will behave themselves.
Connery: Fat chance you bloody Canuck.
Trebek: Now listen Connery, we talked about the racial slurs.
Connery: Eh? Oh sorry.
Trebek: Thanks.
Connery: (quietly) Hoser
Trebek: What did you call me? Does your mother know that you talk like that?
Connery: No, but yours does, Eh!!!
Trebek: That isn’t funny.
Connery: Oh, but it is Trebek, Eh.
Oedipus: It really is quite funny.
Trebek: This coming from a man who blinded himself because he fathered four children as his own step-father.
Oedipus: I hate my life.
Trebek: You should. Well let’s get on with things. The categories for the Double Jeopardy Round are Dirty Words…
Connery: Ah, this is my lucky day.
Trebek: We’ll just see about that. Next we have Dead or Alive. In this category you will simply tell whether or not the person described is alive. Next Famous Mothers, and Sphinx Torture Oedipus this is a category just for you. 17th Century French Literature - Oh, I don’t know how that slipped in there. That is for regular Jeopardy that we are taping later today. Your category instead is Gods whose name ends in “ollo” and finally God, tool, or food - In this category I will say a word and you will simply tell me whether it is a god, a tool, or a food. With a negative $1,200 Sean Connery it is your board.
Connery: Dead or alive.
Trebek: (6) “Sean Connery”
Connery: Dead.
Trebek: Well I can’t argue with that. It is still your board.
Connery: Same category for $1000.
Trebek: (7) “This famous Roman penned the line Timeo Danaos et dona ferentis.”
Oedipus: Me
Trebek: No you didn’t
Oedipus: Yes, I did.
Trebek: No, you are a former king of Thebes who…well…was the ultimate momma’s boy. Enough said. You are a complete and utter moron.
Connery: I’d say it takes one to know one, Trebek.
Trebek: Witty Connery, very witty. The answer was, oh never mind.
Connery: Say it Trebek, say it!
Trebek: I refuse to lower myself to your level Mr. Connery.
Connery: Say it, Eh?
Trebek: Publius…
Connery: Takes one to know one!
Trebek: If you knew the answer, why didn’t you just say it.
Connery: Because, Trebek, I like to see you squirm. Ah Ha.
Trebek: I Hate You!
Connery: But I love you.
Trebek: It’s not going to work this time. Just pick another category. No, you know what, you don’t deserve to choose a category. Cassandra, why don’t you choose a category.
Cassandra: Ino.
Trebek: Come again?
Cassandra: Ino.
Trebek: You know what.
Cassandra: Ino. And Mr. Connery watch out.
Connery: You sound like a broken record, except broken records have a higher Intelligence Quotient than you.
Trebek: A what?
Connery: Intellegence quotient. IQ. I swear man if you didn’t read of the cards you would be a complete and utter moron.
Trebek: Thank you for your input Mr. Connery. Oedipus, why don’t you please pick a category.
Oedipus: I’ll take famous mothers for 1000.
Connery: (giggling) You would, wouldn’t you.
Trebek: Again Mr. Connery, that is out of line.
Connery: And again you stupid git, I see no bloody line.
Trebek: Famous mothers for a thousand: (8) “She was the mother of Melicertes and later Palaemon?” (Pause) Anyone. No? Of course the answer is Ino.
Connery: What?
Trebek: What?
Connery: What do you know, man?
Trebek: No, that is her name.
Connery: Whose name?
Trebek: Ino
Connery: What?
Trebek: What?
Connery: What do you know, man?
Trebek: No, that is her name.
Connery: What?
Trebek: INO!!!
Connery: Listen you don’t have to shout. I just want to be able to say that I know what you know.
Trebek: No, you listen, Ino is her name.
Connery: You know your grammar it terrible. You should have said “I know her name.” But that doesn’t change the fact that just want to be able to say that I know what you know.
Trebek: You know, I… I hate you.
Connery: U-NO that’s a funny name.
Trebek: No, INO.
Connery: I know you know, and now I know.
Trebek: I want to die. (Throws an object at Connery)
Cassandra: I told you to watch out.
Trebek: I apologize Mr. Connery, but you left me no choice. Unfortunately it is still your board.
Connery: Are they a band?
Trebek: What?
Connery: Are they a band, man?
Trebek: Who?
Connery: The Sphincters, man. (Wait for laughter)
Trebek: The who?
Connery: The Sphincters, are they a band?
Trebek: What in Hades are you talking about?
Connery: Well you have them on tour man, so either they are a bunch of circus freaks or they’re a band.
Trebek: What are you talking about.
Connery: Just read your category man “Sphincter Tour”.
Trebek: NO MR CONNERY, that is Sphinx Torture, not Sphincter Tour!!!
Connery: I can read man and it says Sphincter Tour.
Trebek: I’m…You know what, I’m not even going to argue. Cassandra, why don’t you pick the next question.
Cassandra: I’ll take Famous Prophetesses that no one ever believes for 1000.
Trebek: That’s not even a category. Oedipus, you choose.
Oedipus: I’ll take god, tool, or food for 400.
Trebek: It this a god a tool or a food. Picture of a mattock / hoe. NO!!!
Connery: (giggling) Oh, laddie.
Trebek: Is Sterculus a god, a tool, or a food.
Connery: Food.
Trebek: You are disgusting. Oedipus, do you have an answer?
Oedipus: Listen I didn’t know…er…Tool.
Trebek: No.
Cassandra: Alive.
Trebek: That’s not even a choice.
Cassandra: But it’s the answer.
Trebek: No it isn’t.
Cassandra: It will be, believe me.
Trebek: No one believes you.
Cassandra: That’s the story of my life.
Connery: That’s quite a boring story. My life’s story on the other hand…
Trebek: NO!!! Mr. Connery. Why don’t you choose Dead or Alive, and I will remind you that you have only two choices: either Dead or Alive. (9) Is Elvis dead or alive?
Connery: Wait a minute, that’s not a Latin question.
Trebek: Sure it is, let me rephrase that (10) Is Publius Uberius Elviso dead or alive?
Connery: Now you are just making things up Trebek.
Cassandra: Alive.
Trebek: Sure, he is. No, Cassandra, I fear the answer is that Publius…
Connery: (Giggling) What did you just say?
Trebek: Publius
Connery: A ha, just as I had expected.
Trebek: You are so immature.
Connery: Very Well, Petasunculus.
Trebek: Did you just call me an immature ham?
Connery: Would you hold it against me, eh?
Trebek: I think that we should move on.
Connery: Very well, let me have Sphincter Tour for 1000.
Trebek: NO MR. CONNERY…(calmly) Let me remind you that the category is Sphinx Torture, not Sphincter Tour.
Connery: Gussy it up all you want, but the fact remains that I want the question.
Cassandra: What is a man?
Connery: Good god woman, do we really have to cover this again?
Trebek: Very well, keeping in mind that the category is Sphinx Torture, the clue is (11) “This was the answer to the Riddle of the Sphinx.”
Connery: What riddle, eh?
Trebek: What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?
Connery: Your mother!!! Ah Ha
Trebek: Lovely Mr. Connery, lovely.
Oedipus: What about my mother.
Trebek: Not your mother, my mother.
Oedipus: I never met your mother.
Connery: You didn’t miss anything laddie. I fear that I would be remiss if I did not inquire about the Dirty Words category.
Trebek: Just as I had supposed… Let’s try Dirty Words for 600. “This word meaning mud…”
Connery: Oh, you have got to be kidding me. You rouge, you mountebank.
Trebek: The day is mine!
Connery: Oh, but the battle has just begun.
Trebek: Let us try Dead or Alive for 600. “Am I, Alex Trebek, dead or alive?”
Cassandra: Dead.
Trebek: Good god woman, I am standing right in front of you. I am not dead.
Cassandra: You will be!
Trebek: Touché.
Oedipus: (Out of the blue) Look I didn’t know he was my father when I killed him. I didn’t know I was adopted.
Connery: Trebek was adopted too.
Trebek: No I wasn’t.
Connery: His real parents were Hermes and Aphrodite.
Oedipus: Wouldn’t that make you…
Trebek: NO!!! My mother was…
Oedipus: Please stop talking about my mother…er…wife...er…mife.
Connery: Take it easy man. We were talking about Trebek’s mother.
Oedipus: I never met your father…Did I?
Trebek: No Ed, you didn’t. He was…well…
Connery: Oh, what’s the matter. Daddy didn’t love you.
Trebek: No.
Oedipus: Well, if it makes you feel better my father drove metal spikes through my ankles when I was only a day old.
Connery: And you said killing him was an accident.
Trebek: Mr. Connery, I hate to break up your little discussion but we have time for only one more question before final jeopardy. Let’s try Gods whose name end in “ollo”. (12) This god’s name is the only name to end in “ollo”.
Connery: Artim-ollo
Trebek: No
Connery: Zu-pollo
Trebek: No
Connery: Jup-ollo
Trebek: No
Connery: Plut-ollo
Trebek: No
Connery: Liar
Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not a liar. Oedipus do you have an answer. Oh, it seems that Oedipus has now cut out his tongue in addition to having blinded himself. I guess we won’t be expecting any more answers from him.
Connery: Sean-ollo
Trebek: And this game has reached an all time low. You know we had a category for Final Jeopardy, but you imbeciles would have had no chance. So let us just try Things You Like. (Connery begins to write furiously) And Mr. Connery, my mother is not an acceptable answer. (Connery begins to erase furiously - the screen will show a crossed out “your mother”) (pause) You know what I can see where this is going to go. So let us try a more Roman category. How about Roman Names. If you don’t know one, just make one up - so long as it sounds Roman. Oeidipus, you could just write down your own name. Well, for the sake of tradition, lets see what you all wagered. Cassandra, you wrote nothing.
Cassandra: Ah, I wrote it on the paper that you have in your pocket, which I gave you before the show. This will be irrefutable proof that I am in fact a prophetess.
Trebek: Oh you mean this paper. (Holds up a sheet with blurred ink.)
Cassandra: What happened?
Trebek: Mr. Connery spilled his coffee on me earlier.
Connery: Spilled, Ha, laddie you were across the room.
Trebek: Very well, Mr. Connery hurled his coffee at my shirt…
Connery: Your head.
Trebek: Very well, you hurled it at my head, and it must have blurred your ink. What did you wager.
Cassandra: That was in your other pocket.
Connery: Ah, the pitcher of ice tea that “fell” on you from the second story.
Trebek: Mr. Connery you also hurled that at me.
Connery: Maybe I did.
Cassandra: NOOOOO!!! No one will ever believe me.
Connery: Now that is the first prophecy that will come true.
Trebek: Oedipus what did you write down? (Show a screen of Braille letters). Oh, well Oedipus chose to reply in Braille. Let’s just put that into normal lettering, though it does seems to be a bit long for a name. “I hate my life.” Fair enough, let us see what you wagered. “I want to die à”. Oh wait there is more. “I mean my wife and mother”. Yes well. (Say the next part very quickly.) Thank you all for coming, that’s it. Good night.
Connery: Not so fast, Trebek.
Trebek: Darn, I really thought that that would work.
Connery: Well you were wrong.
Trebek: That I was. Well, let’s see what you put. “Trebekis” You know Mr. Connery, that is Roman enough. I thought for sure you would write Sex or Publius, but your self control is commendable. Let us see what you wagered. “An ass”. Trebek is an ass. Very witty Mr. Connery, very witty indeed.
Connery: I’m the cock of the walk.
Trebek: And I officially quit. Goodnight. I hate my life.
Connery: Ah ha ha