jj jackman a speckled bird - index
hey judi (4/26/01) hey judi don't be so sad make a mad song that's not too bitter just like me you're on the outside i was safe sitting there, we talked i thought you hated me you were nice to me i had to get up, i felt too special i'm sorry about the five or six or seven dollar incident i hope you didn't leave early because of my outsider trying to be an insider for a moment, blundering, inept, clumsy Bass Rocks bladdered algae sideways slipping forward falling all thumbs in the social arena like the Spanglish speaking i really don't have to learn the language poor effort resulting in the massacre of what is normally quite beautiful, quite soft and beyond the compacted beaten pathway where they all walked after school while i watched at a distance wondering why no one would talk to me you sat there for the sake of safety in a refuge of less traffic and i blundered as usual i can't take all the blame myself but someday i must and though i can't blame anyone else it's as if a cohort of demons constrained in the corner were flipping backwards through the plastic rubber plant in mischievous frenzy anticipating my folly each time i cross the white circle around a hop scotch diagram i hear my sister.....i don't feel like jump rope and your stone's too big anybody can get that rock on any square and anyway you stepped on the lines when you turned you were leaning too far forward, that's cheating why do they get such pleasure these demons i mean constrained within white lines or in the spaces of the jungle gym flipping backwards without hitting their heads on the bars in mischievous frenzy they had to rush her to the hospital the day she fell i mean she always had to climb higher and faster than the stupid dumb boys nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah hey judi no need to trade you were meant to go out and get him you see i really don't know what got into me not about my dear sister's fall because i wasn't there when it happened i was lost in self pity in the fifth grade in Kut throat Kuttenski's class and my sister had recess at a diff'rent time but i know she was trying to beat me when she fell as she had countless times before getting to the top before me even as i sat there at my wooden desk, my mind either beyond the compacted beaten pathway where they all walked after school while i watched at a distance wondering why no one would talk to me, or showing off by answering all the questions to get back at them for ignoring me "Wipe that smug look off your face! you're not any better than the other children in this room, just because you're in Mr. Hinkley's advanced science class." you see i really don't know what got into me but my inner self the little boy that i would never allow to wither in my arms* became intoxicated with a good experience with seconds of success with a moment without rejection dismissal had changed to acceptance for an instant it's as if a cohort of demons constrained in my playpen were flipping backwards oblivious to plastic capped wooden rails in mischievous frenzy anticipating my folly and i know that you don't accept written confessions but unless you want me to organize your room or basement i'm quite responsible with a mop and bucket* i have no other resources and i'm sorry for crass action resulting in an injury to a dead little girl* quite beautiful, quite soft that sat there for the sake of safety in a refuge of less traffic a distance past the Dunkin' Donuts drive thru where some gather after work nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah and since you understand the rain hey judi please don't marry the verse inside your folders it was more than insensitive on my part and you were trying to return the money to me earlier but i was on automatic driven in my need for transient recognition as my sister was driven to compete with boys and i'm generally confident lest my mettle's barred but this time i fell i thought these things are not supposed to happen to the anointed but my guardian angel went outside to have a butt apparently not to return on time, and the demons whirled faster as i made my first blunder rescuing a distressed damsel and then my third blunder trying to restore a former friendship followed by my fourth practicing what i preached i clothed the lady when she was naked but i can't force her to buy a cloak and spend more time with her two sons and my second blunder like ignoring what really matters in my life like my mother and my father and my sisters and my brothers and my wife and my sons see my second blunder like ignoring what really matters in my life affected you this time i can't take all the blame myself but someday i must and i can't blame anyone else even though it flew out at me while the Eye* was watching i picked the judgement card and my favorite poet knew i was in trouble and followed with the wheel of fortune but what good is fortune without time and fame without love and power without wisdom hey judi you've been betrayed make yourself strong no need to barter this world was no place for a little girl* but it sure as hell isn't any better for a little boy but this verse is not about me it is for you and for people who don't accept paper apologies* and for people who prefer reconciliation at any cost and any verse can ease the brain hey judi in vain nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah refrain after refrain after refrain after refrain after refrain just seems to help nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nahcredits: *to the poetry of Judy Cosentino (*various inclusions) \ and Lennon and McCartney (meter/rhyme)