Chapter Five: ¿Problemos?
The author would like to
dedicate this chapter to Noel,
who ever so graciously transcribed the entirety of the Council for me, since I
didn’t have access to the movie. Thank
you!
Anagorn stared hard at the book in her hands. A quick glance at her surroundings had
revealed her location to her immediately – the library at Rivendell. However, Boromir had not yet made his
appearance, leaving Anagorn alone to puzzle out the book that had appeared in
her hands the last time she had jumped locations.
After a moment’s critical study, the girl turned the book upside
down, hoping that the characters would somehow resolve themselves into
something she could actually understand.
They didn’t.
Sighing, Anagorn quoted under her breath, “It’s some form of
Elvis. I can’t read it.” The instant the slip of her tongue reached
her own ears, she tensed, waiting for something
horrible to happen.
And it did. From somewhere
nearby, music floated to her ears.
“You
ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog…”
“Argh!”
Dropping the book to the floor, Anagorn shoved her fingers into her
ears. She was so busy trying to block
out the sounds of “The King’s” music that she completely missed Boromir’s
entrance, and nearly missed his lines.
“Narsil.
It’s the blade that cut the ring.
Ow! Still
sharp.”
“Well, thank you, Captain Obvious,” Anagorn muttered, even more
quietly this time.
Boromir’s eyes met hers.
Within them, she found…very little.
The man of Gondor’s stare was blank and expressionless.
“It’s just a broken hilt.”
With that, Boromir dropped the blade.
Staying true to the script…or
what’s left of it, anyways…Anagorn picked up the fallen blade, placed it
reverently onto the dais, and stepped back, waiting for Arwen’s entrance.
But, wait…Arwen’s not
here. I wonder if Tom Cruise is going to
show up again…
Then, Anagorn froze as a realization slapped her across the
face. The bridge scene. Me and Tom Cruise.
Oh. My. Goodness.
The next moment, Anagorn was standing on the bridge…alone. Where’s
Cruise? she wondered. She was now long past wondering what had
happened to footage – such as the entire conversation that was supposed to
precede the bridge scene – that simply vanished off the face of the Aerth.
Suddenly, music reached her ears once more. This time, however, it was far more enjoyable
than Elvis.
“Love…love changes
everything. Hands and faces, earth and
sky.”
Anagorn’s jaw dropped several inches. “It’s…it’s…it’s…Michael Ball!” Sure enough,
her favorite singer in the entire world was striding out of the trees, singing
- to her.
“Love… love changes
everything, how you live and how you die.”
He was at the edge of the bridge now.
“Love…”
“Twue wove…”
Just as quickly as he had appeared, Michael Ball was gone,
replaced by an old, scary-looking man in church robes.
“Will fowow you foweva and eva.”
Anagorn nearly fell off the bridge as she found herself far closer
than she had ever wanted to be to the Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride.
“AAAAAAAA!”
And, then, the scene around her vanished once more.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Blue
eyes locked onto brown eyes. Both
participants were stubborn – neither would give in. A stare-down of massive proportions had
begun. For several long, tense, moments,
neither party so much as moved. And
then, one nose wiggled, rabbit-like.
Katholas
looked away, stifling the laughter that threatened to burst from her.
Camli
nodded smugly and settled back into her chair.
“Strangers
from distant lands, friends of old, you’ve been summoned here to answer the
threat of Murder.”
Katholas
and Camli both obediently turned their attention to Elrond, who stood at the
center of the ring of chairs.
The
Council had begun.
As
Elrond prattled, Katholas tilted her head ever so slightly and caught Anagorn’s
eye. Noting that the teenager-turned-Ranger
looked more than a little bit dazed, she cocked one eyebrow. “What happened?” she mouthed.
Anagorn
shook her head ever so slightly. “Tell
ya later,” she mouthed back. She knew
Katholas would have to hear this story in its entirety to believe it. The nightmarish memory of Michael Ball
morphing into the Impressive Clergyman played over and over in her mind like a
stuck video.
She
was so distracted that she very nearly missed the end of Boromir’s speech.
“You
cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master,” Anagorn quoted
deftly when she felt Katholas and Camli’s eyes on her.
“What
would a girl Ranger know of this?” Boromir asked, very condescendingly.
Katholas
did not even have to think. Boromir’s
tone sent her to her feet instantly.
“This is no mere Ranger. She is
Anagorn, daughter of Anathorn.” That
part took some concentration to say correctly.
“You owe her your allegiance.”
“Anagorn? Who’s that?”
Boromir asked stupidly.
“She is heir to the throne of Gondor.” Katholas improvised slightly.
“Havodad,
Legolas.” Anagorn froze again the
instant the words left her mouth. I said Legolas! Shoot!
Amazingly
enough, no one at the Council even looked at her. Nobody noticed except Camli, who shot her
friend a look that clearly said, Whoops!
“Gondor
has no king.” Boromir stated the obvious
once more.
“Anagorn
is right. We cannot use it – it’s
incompatible,” Gandalf added.
“You
have only one choice. The Ring must be
destroyed.”
Camli
took a deep breath and braced herself for what was to come. “Well, then, what are we waiting for?”
Anagorn
and Katholas both began snickering.
Somehow, their friend sounded very unconvincing.
Camli
grabbed the nearest axe. This is the closest I’m ever going to get to
using a real weapon in this movie, she thought as
she hefted the – very heavy – axe and started forward.
The
next thing she knew, she was lying flat on her back on the ground.
Anagorn
and Katholas glanced at each other, confusion on their faces. One moment, Camli had been moving; the next,
she was on her back.
Suddenly,
all three girls nodded. “Missing
footage,” they all mouthed at the same time.
Camli
let out the breath she had been holding.
Beautiful timing, she
thought. That would have hurt…badly.
“The
Ring cannot be destroyed, Camli daughter of Clóin, by any craft that we here
could make during craft time.”
All
three girls shot Elrond really weird looks.
“The
Ring was made in the fires of
“
Elrond
wasn’t done yet. “It must be taken deep
into Murder and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.” The Elf lord paused for a moment. “Which reminds me, does anybody know what
Sauron’s real name is?”
Nobody
answered.
“Whence.” Elrond answered his own question. “Like I said, from Whence
it came. Get it?”
Again,
nobody answered.
“One
does not simply walk into Murder,” Boromir began.
“Of course not,” Elrond put in. “It’d be
murder! Get it?”
And
once more, the great Elf lord was ignored by all.
“He’s
not funny,” Camli muttered.
“He’s
not even corny,” Katholas muttered back.
“There is evil there that does not sleep.”
“Whence really doesn’t sleep anymore,” Elrond put in. “After all,
he is a ‘lidless eye wreathed in flame.’
If he can’t shut his eye, he can’t sleep!”
Boromir
went on. “And the Great Eye-“
In
exact unison, the three girls curled their hands into an imitation of Boromir’s
“Eye” gesture and copied it. Then, all
three began giggling.
Everybody
at the Council ignored them, too.
“It
is folly,” Boromir finished.
“Have
you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?” Katholas chimed in right on cue.
“I
wish I hadn’t,” Anagorn muttered.
Katholas
winked at her friend, her now-sharper ears having picked up the comment. “The Ring must be destroyed!”
“And
I suppose you think you’re the one to do it?” Camli asked sarcastically.
“And
if we fail, what then?” Boromir actually sounded as if he didn’t know
the answer to his question.
“I
will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!” Camli yelled, thought not highly convincingly.
Ina
moment, the entire Council was on their feet yelling. The three girls began yelling very random
comments, such as, “Can’t we all just get along?” and “Aw, stuff it!” In the process, Camli remembered to throw in,
“Never trust an elf!”
Frodo’s
cry actually managed to cut through the din.
As
Gandalf stepped forward, Anagorn shot the other two modern girls a panicked
look. What do I call this thing? she asked
herself. The line is “sword,” but this isn’t one…
Before
she could ask either of the others, the time had come to say the line. With a mental shrug, she strode forward. “If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my knife.”
Katholas
was next. “And you have my spoon.” Oy,
does that sound stupid!
“And my fork!” Camli yelled.
The
three girls snickered under their breaths.
Gandalf sent them all a very confused look.
As
Boromir and the hobbits came forward, Camli muttered, just loud enough for
Katholas to hear, “Sorry about all the anti-Elf comments.”
“No
problem,” Katholas whispered back, just as softly. “I’ll just get you later.”
“Great,”
Camli murmured sarcastically.
“Anyways,”
Pippin said, “You need people of intelligence on this sort of
mission…quest…task…job…undertaking…expedition…search…enterprise…endeavor…
Camli
slapped a hand over Pippin’s mouth, forcibly silencing him. Through her hand, she could just make out him
saying, “Thing!”
“Nine
companions,” Elrond intoned. “So ‘May It
Be.’” He looked around, waiting for
somebody to laugh at his joke. Nobody
did. “You shall be the Fellowship of the
Ring.”
“Hom. Moph a wrph mmhomph?”
Everybody
looked at Pippin. Camli removed her hand
from the hobbit’s mouth, looking a bit sheepish.
“As
I tried to say before somebody
silenced me…Where are we going? Is it
somewhere fun? Will there be
mushrooms? Is it – hmmph!”
Everybody
sighed with relief as Camli’s hand clapped back over Pippin’s mouth.
Even more disclaimers: I don’t
own Elvis. He didn’t give me permission
to use his music in my story (since he’s dead, I’m kinda glad he didn’t give me
permission…). I still don’t own Tom
Cruise, and I still don’t have permission to use him. I also don’t own Michael Ball (even though I
wish he’d come sing to me!), nor do I have permission to use him. (Are we
sensing a trend here?) The song “Love
Changes Everything” is from the musical Aspects of
Love…which (guess what?) I don’t have permission to use, either. I don’t own the Impressive Clergyman,
either. I’m rather glad of that… I also
don’t own/have permission to use the song “May it Be.” I’m sure you all know what that’s from… I DO own
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