Chapter Nine: Shadow and Flames
“This foe is beyond the capabilities of any of you. Run!”
None of the other Fellowship members – not even stubborn Sam –
stopped to ask questions or argue with Gandalf’s command. The light from the
approaching Balrog filled all nine hearts with panic. Nine heroes of Middle Aerth turned and
sprinted for the bridge.
Katholas skidded to a halt, grabbing Boromir to steady herself,
and watched as his torch spiraled down into the deep. “Oh…dear…”
She swallowed hard as her vision began to swirl. Her eyes locked onto the flame as it tumbled
down…and down…and down…
“Aw, spite!” Camli lunged forward, grabbed Katholas by the back of
the collar, and dragged the elf-girl away from the drop.
“Thanks,” Katholas muttered as she took slow, deep breaths in an
attempt to restore her equilibrium. “I’d
forgotten about that…”
“The Bridge is not going to be fun,” Camli responded as both girls
took off running, following Anagorn.
As she led the Fellowship down the stairs, Anagorn suddenly realized
what Katholas and Camli had just thought of – both of the other girls were
absolutely terrified of heights! “This
is going to be interesting,” she murmured.
When music filled the air again, all three girls cocked their
heads in confusion. What they heard
was…interesting…to say the least.
“BOOM!
Shakalaka.
BOOM! Shakalaka.”
Katholas leapt over the edge of the staircase, landing just behind
Anagorn. “I’m definitely beginning to
agree with Camli about that popcorn,” she muttered.
Anagorn nodded in agreement.
“BOOM!
Shaka-Laka-Laka.
BOOM! Shaka-Laka-Laka. BOOM! Shaka-Laka-Laka.”
Sam was clearly fed up with the chanting. “SHUT UP!” he screamed.
“BOOM! Shaka………laka………” The voices sounded somewhat sheepish.
“I wish I could do that,” Camli muttered.
But nobody had time to mull over why Sam held so much power over
the random musical aspects of their twisted journey, for they had reached the
break in the stairs.
Without stopping to think about what she was doing – for she knew
panic would immediately follow thought – Katholas sprang across the gap. Everyone breathed a prayer of thanks when she
landed safely. “Gandalf!”
The wizard hopped across easily.
Boromir grabbed a terrified Merry and a wriggling Pippin under his arms
and practically flung himself after Gandalf.
“Oops,” Boromir muttered as the stone behind him crumbled.
Anagorn grabbed Sam and somehow managed to throw him over the hole
for Katholas to catch. Then, trembling,
she turned to Camli.
Camli took a very deep breath.
“No one tosses a dwarf!” she cried.
As quickly as she could, she reached into her Enchanted Backpack.
The girls prayed.
Camli pulled out a large plunger.
Anagorn and Katholas began praying even harder.
Camli also refused to stop long enough to think. She simply readied the plunger and
jumped. Her feet just touched the rock
on the other side, and she planted the red rubber suction cup onto the stone
between them. Katholas grabbed the end
of the plunger’s pole and hauled backwards, giving Camli enough leverage to
scramble up onto the platform. “Thanks,”
the dwarf-girl whispered as the rock on the other side crumbled once more,
forcing Anagorn to throw Frodo up higher on the staircase and scramble out of
the way.
“No problem.” Katholas
looked up just in time to see the rock above plummet down, crashing through the
stone behind Anagorn and Frodo.
After catching her friend and the Ringbearer, Katholas turned and
led the company down the remainder of the staircase. Moments later, they reached the bridge.
One by one, the Fellowship sprinted out onto the narrow span. As she ran, Anagorn listened with fear for
her two friends who followed, praying that they would somehow not falter. Boromir simply plodded along, following
Anagorn without thought. Frodo was
muttering about leg cramps and side stitches.
Merry’s eyes were wide, and he wasted no breath on anything but running
away from the fiery beast that pursued them.
Pippin seemed to find some sort of joy in running, and clearly was still
burning off the sugar from the candy bar Camli had fed him – he was managing to
cover twice as much distance as everybody else, and yet he never got ahead of
the group. Sam was ignoring all the
mayhem around him – he simply ran.
Behind the hobbits, two acrophobic girls took deep, consistent breaths
and tried not to look down. Camli
focused her eyes on the stone in front of her, refusing to look forward or over
the edge. Katholas took the opposite
approach – she fastened her gaze on the end of the bridge and trusted her elven
balance to keep her on the bridge. All
the girls breathed sighs of deep relief when all the Fellowship – save,
obviously, Gandalf – had reached the other side of the Bridge.
“You cannot pass!” the wizard cried.
The flaming enemy stretched to its full height. The three transplanted girls screamed in
terror.
“That’s no Balrog!” Anagorn cried.
“What is it?” Merry asked, terrified.
On the bridge, a young woman stepped toward Gandalf, brandishing a
fiery sword. The woman’s hair fell to
her feet, a mix of flaming red and the deepest black. Her eyes, too, shone black as pitch, with
brilliant scarlet lights in them. A gown of black satin that somehow held flame within itself flowed
about her. Despite the aura of
evil power that visibly radiated from her, the woman was stunningly beautiful. All the male members of the Fellowship
swallowed hard and attempted in vain to tear their eyes away from the vision of
shadow and flame and beauty.
The three female members shrieked slightly and cried with one
voice, “It’s a Mary Sue!”
“How did a Mary Sue get in here?” Katholas asked. “I thought only random movies ended up in
this mess.”
“But what else could be as evil?” Camli asked rhetorically.
Anagorn nodded. “A Mary Sue
is definitely more evil than a Balrog…”
Gandalf raised his sword and his laptop. “I am the servant of the Secret of
Well-Written Characters, Wielder of the Flame Review! Dark Canon-Twisting will not avail you, Bane
of Good Writing!”
Clearly ticked now, the Mary Sue raised her massive blade over her
head with her delicate-looking arms and swung fiercely at Gandalf. The fiery blade seemed to explode against the
Firewall that had arisen around the wizard.
“Go back to the shadow where you belong, and stay out of
fanfiction,” Gandalf ordered. “You! Shall not! Pass!”
With that, Gandalf hit the final keystroke of whatever he had been
typing and slammed Glamdring down against the bridge.
The Mary Sue seemed to laugh.
Brandishing the fiery whip she had formed from a strand of her hair, she
stepped forward. The bridge beneath her
disintegrated, sending her down into the shadows below.
Gandalf sighed with relief and turned toward the rest of the
Fellowship.
With a scream and the predictable tenacity of a Mary Sue that just
wouldn’t die, the fiery whip rose from the depths and wrapped around Gandalf’s
ankle. The wizard yelped as he was
jerked off his feet, his sword and laptop tumbling into the chasm. For a moment, he tried to pull himself up. Realizing it was hopeless,
he looked at the Fellowship and commanded, “Exit, you fools!”
Then, Gandalf fell.
Strains of music floated to the ears of the three girls as they
grabbed the hobbits and dashed up the stairs and out of Moria.
“Never hold back your step
for a moment…Never doubt that your courage will grow…Hold your head even higher,
and into the fire we go!”
Following the joyous song of “Into the Fire” came, from far away
in the depths of the caves, a series of slow, haunting
bugle notes. Anagorn, Katholas, and
Camli all bowed their heads for a moment.
Taps.
Yup, it’s another disclaimer!:
BOOM! Shaka-laka-laka is from the movie “Muppet
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