These are just some funny quotes
Enjoy!..
Put on your most alluring aftershave
and wait for the women to comment
and ask what you have got on.
You say "I've got a hard on,
but I am surprised that you can smell it!"
___________________________
I love being married.
It's so great to find one special person
You want to annoy for the rest of your life.
____________________________
I wasn't kissing her,
I was whispering in her mouth.
______________________________
No man is truly married
until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying
______________________________
"When a man steals your wife
there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
"
Sacha Guitry.
_______________________________
"Love is temporary insanity
curable by marriage."
Ambrose Bierce.
________________________________
"My wife has a slight impediment
in her speech.
Every now and then
she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante.
________________________________
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant
two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman.
______________________________
"If love is the answer,
could you rephrase the question?"
Lilly Tomlin.
_______________________________
"Do you know what it means to come home
at night to a woman who'll give you a little love,
a little affection,
a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house,
that's what it means."
George Burns.
_________________________________
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield.
____________________________
"In my house I'm the boss,
my wife is just the decision maker."
Woody Allen.
________________________________
"The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things."
Jilly Cooper.
________________________________
"Give a man a free hand
and he'll run it all over you."
Mae West.
________________________________
"The quickest way to a man's heart
is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr.
_______________________________
"When I eventually met Mr Right
I had no idea
that his first name was Always."
Rita Rudner.
_______________________________
"We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged
the furniture."
Robin Williams.
_______________________________
"An intellectual is someone who has
found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.
_______________________________
"Don't have sex man.
It leads to kissing
and pretty soon you have to start talking
to them."
Steve Martin.
________________________________
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets
I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
____________________________
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school
until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day
by a middle aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
________________________________
"What's the three words you never
want to hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home."
Ken Hammond.
_______________________________
"My best birth control now is
just to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers.
________________________________
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual.
I couldn't stand being rejected
by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.
_______________________________
Always forgive your enemies --
Nothing annoys them so much.
~ Oscar Wilde.
________________________________
*Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring,
wedding ring,
and suffering.
(Anonymous)
___________________________________
*Marriage is not a word;
it is a sentence.
(Anonymous)
___________________________________
*Before marriage,
a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
(Anonymous)
____________________________________
*I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)
____________________________________
*If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
(Anonymous)
_____________________________________
*There's so much comedy on television.
Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-(Dick Cavett), {mocking the TV-violence debate}
_____________________________________
*Sir, if you were my husband,
I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor, to Winston Churchill,
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
___________________________________
Its been a rough day.
I got up this morning ....
put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
___________________________________
My father carries around the picture of
the kid who came with his wallet.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
___________________________________
I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
____________________________________
Once when I was lost.....
I saw a policeman
and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him .....
do you think we'll ever find them?
He said ...
I don't know kid ....
there are so many places they can hide.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
_____________________________________
I went to see my doctor.
Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror...
I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me? He said...
I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
_____________________________________
I remember
when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me
to have a few drinks and get some rest.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
_____________________________________
*Ninety percent of the politicians
give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
( Henry Kissinger)
______________________________________
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