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"The difference between sex and death is,
death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you."
— Woody Allen.


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"If you don't enjoy masturbation,
you only have yourself to blame."


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"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore,
masturbation is better than sex."


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"And we were poor too.
Why if I wasn't born a boy,
I'd have had nothing to play with."

— Rodney Dangerfield.


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"The good thing about masturbation is
that you don't have to dress up for it."

— Truman Capote.


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"My schoolmates would
make love to anything that moved,
but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

— Emo Philips.


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"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock.
If I'm late start without me."

— Tallulah Bankhead.


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"What do you call a tall guy who can
masturbate 10 times in a single day ?
No,
it's not a joke,
I really need to know,
because I want to put it on my resume."

— Damon R. Milhem.


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"To all virgins........
thanks for nothin'."

— Bumper sticker.


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"— Stop that son,
you'll go blind !
— I'm over here dad..."


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"Last night,
I finally realized a longtime fantasy...
I came all over my girlfriend's face.
Man,
was she pissed when she woke up..."


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"The new
'Cindy Crawford Workout Video'
is bloody marvelous.
I've only had it a fortnight
and I've already got a right arm like
Arnold Schwarzenegger."


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"If God had intended us not to masturbate,
He would have made our arms shorter."

— George Carlin


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"Life is like a penis:
when it's soft you can't beat it,
and when it's hard you get fucked."


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"Why do married men gain weight
while bachelors don't ?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator,
see nothing they want,
then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed,
see nothing they want,
then go to the refrigerator."


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Young Son:
"Is it true, Dad,
I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad:
"That happens in every country, son."


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"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married;
and then it was too late."


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"It takes a smart husband
to have the last word and not use it."


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"Personally I know nothing about sex
because I have always been married."

— Zsa Zsa Gabor.


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"Make love,
not war.
I'm married, I do both."


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"Love may be blind
but marriage is a real eye-opener !"


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"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."


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First guy (proudly say's):
"My wife's an angel !"
Second guy:(Grumbles)
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."


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"The most effective
way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once."


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If diamonds are forever,
why do you have to buy
a new one every friggin' anniversary ?"

— Josh Forman.
,

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"In California,
there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce,
but only a 15-day waiting period
for buying a handgun.
It's nice to know the government
is giving us advice
on how to work out our problems."

— Matt Sullivan.


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"Marriage is like a phone call in the night:
first the ring,
and then you wake up."

— Evelyn Hendrickson.


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Husband:
"I don't know why you wear a bra,
you've got nothing to put in it".

Wife:
"You wear briefs, don't you ?"


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