Joshua's
Mommy Remembers....
The Day He
Went To Be With Jesus!
I remember the day Josh died
as if it were yesterday. Other things just seem to fade in the background
compared to that day. Even things I use to think were important don't
hold interest anymore. Only that day, that morning will stay forever
in my mind. We have children and take on the responsibility of caring
for and loving them, and when a moment comes where nothing we can do can
protect
them or keep them from leaving
us.... it is a pain like no other. I had no idea what pain was till
that day!
It was Christmas Eve morning.
We were looking forward to a wonderful Christmas with family. Josh's
Daddy, Mark, was going to go to the store and stop at his grandparents
house to pick up gifts to take to other family members. I decided
not to go because I had things to do still to get ready for the big day.
Josh loved going places with
his Daddy, and like Daddy had gotten up early and was already dressed.
So Mark said he would take Josh with him. Well, our daughter Cassi had
just gotten up and said she was going to make Christmas cards for Mom and
Pop (grandparents), which made Josh want to stay home. But I told
Cassi she could
wait till Josh got home
to make them, and told him to go with Daddy, because when they got home
we had lots to do. Before they left I ran upstairs and noticed Josh's
eagle necklace laying on the floor. I figured he had wanted to wear
it, so I ran it downstairs and met them at the door. I placed it
around Josh's neck and reassured him that they would make their cards when
he got back. As they walked out the door I told Mark and Josh that
I loved them. And Josh, as he always did, yelled his I love you,
Mommy? I can still see Josh's beautiful smile as he turned to leave.
Oh, how I wish with all my heart and soul that I could go back to that
moment!!
Some time later I had a police
man at my door. He told me that my husband was at the hospital and
I needed to come with him. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. On the way there I kept asking
what had happened, and about my husband and son, but the officer just said
he didn't know. I'm sure it was to keep me half way calm till I got
there. I thought it must be Mark, as much as I love him, I had to
think he was the one hurt... He is strong, he would be OK. I couldn't
think it was Josh. I prayed the whole way there, thinking of course
that it couldn't be anything really bad. It just couldn't be!
Cassi in the back seat, scared. I tried to comfort her and tell her
everything would be OK. I truly believed it would be.
When we got to the hospital
I was expecting to see Mark in a room, but instead he was sitting in a
chair next to one of the emergency rooms. At that moment I knew it
was my Baby that was hurt. My heart felt like it fell into my stomach.
I got close and saw my sweet Josh laying on the table and lots of people
around him. All I could say was "What happened? Mark looked
at me and said "We were hit by a train!" All I remember saying then
over and over again was "A TRAIN?" I kept repeating it hoping I was
hearing it wrong. That word sounded Huge!! A car you maybe
have a chance, but not a train. I remember just being totally overwhelmed
... it felt like I had stepped into a NIGHTMARE!! I don't remember
screaming at that point but I was told I was, and a nurse said she would
take our daughter into the waiting room. I looked in Cassi's eyes
and could see all my fears. I told her that her brother was tough
and he would be just fine. I Promised her that!
For the next hour all I could
do was pray. I prayed by his bed, I prayed by Mark, I prayed on the
floor ... I BEGGED God to please let us keep our Joshua. And I still
even being scared couldn't accept that he wasn't going to make it.
At one point I even felt bad because I thought he would have to spend his
Christmas in the hospital. That is the worst I could accept.
The Worst!! All this time I was also asking why they hadn't Life
Lined him yet. They told us they were going to Life Line him to another
hospital that was better equipped. And they just kept saying that
he had to be stable first. I remember hearing alarms going
off in the room, but they would just turn them off and kept working on
him. Those were the times that Joshua's heart stopped, and I truly
didn't realize it. I wouldn't let myself understand what was going
on. I was lost in a cloud of confusion and Overwhelming Heart Ache!
My friend, some of Mark's family, and a Minister at the hospital tried
to comfort us, during the worst two hours of our life, but even they couldn't
believe what was happening. All we could do was pray!
And then the Life Line Dr.,
after arriving at the hospital and checking Josh, called my husband and
I into another room. I thought she was going to tell us that they
didn't need to take Josh. He would be all right staying here.
But instead I heard the Worst thing I have ever had to hear. Those
words ring through my head ... Day after Day. "We can't do
anything else, he is not going to make it." I couldn't believe it!
The only thing that made me realize what she was saying were the tears
in her eyes. First we Screamed, loud enough I found out later, that
our daughter could hear and knew her brother was gone. But then I
Hugged the Dr. as tight as I could and said "Thank you." I look back
now and don't know how I did that, but I'm glad I did. By the look
on her face I could tell she had done all she could. She told us
Joshua wasn't stabilizing, and he wouldn't make the transport. His
heart kept stopping. He wanted to go HOME! She told us she
would go back in and make sure everyone agreed to stop. And if only one
said "No" they would continue. Mark began begging her to please not
"Give Up." He was on his knees truly BEGGING. I still was thinking
that he might make it on his own.
But when we got back into the
room almost everyone had left, and Josh was just laying there. No
LIFE! 11:15 am. Just 2hrs. after the wreck. The picture of
my husband leaning over Josh and begging him "Please wake up, Little Buddy,"
is burned into my mind forever. We cradled Josh in our arms and just
cried, we didn't want to accept this. Our Baby, the love of our lives
was gone! I wanted to just pick him up and take him home. He
made my life whole, how could we say "Good Bye." But eventually...we
had to.
We went to the chapel hoping
Mark's parents would arrive soon from out of town. It was as if everything
was going in slow motion. This fog couldn't be real!
We were then asked about organ donation. It was such a final question.
One we didn't want to hear. How could they be asking to take a part
of our child, when we couldn't even grasp that he was no longer alive.
I hated them for asking that! But I believe only with God's help
were we able to make the decision, and said "Yes." Josh was so giving
in Life...we knew that is what he would have wanted.
When family finally arrived
the pain was so overwhelming. You could hear the grief all through
the hospital...the crying was a constant reminder that this was real.
We and family got to go back in and see Josh. I wanted so much for
him to be a miracle and Wake Up! I remember Mark's father putting
his head to Josh's chest. I held my breath, truly believing that
maybe they made a mistake, and Josh was fine. I Needed my Baby to
be OK. But he wasn't and again we had to say our "I love you's and
Good bye's."
One of the hardest things about
that day was walking out of the hospital. How could I just
leave Josh there? My Baby!! I fell to the floor ... I wanted
to just stay there. That is where Josh was. But I had too.
And when I finally walked out that door ... I knew my life had changed.
I wasn't "me" anymore. The person I was stayed there with her son. |
