My Writings:

Here is a place where you can read my writings, my rants and other random stuff.  Soon there will be a directory but until then you will just have to page down each one.  I will start with my favorite and very first rant, Contemplations-

Contemplations in the Bathroom

    Some people just make you sick. You know the people who are happy go lucky all the time no matter what is happening around them. They do something wrong and when you tell them they can't remember what they did. They live behind their masks and then tell other people that if they do something wrong they should be told. I should know how annoying that is. I happen to be one of them. I'm one of those people who when something goes wrong they forget it. Just clean forget it. It never even happened. Something has happened but I can't remember what it is. I think it is suppose to be some kind of self-help for me so I don't go mad. Ha! It doesn't work. I have the worst memory but there are slips and I remember what happens and what has happened. Right now I am in the bathroom again with the scissors contemplating suicide. Yeah this week was a real bummer. Lets see my best friend decided to leave my life, my boyfriend treats me like shit, my friend's girlfriend got raped. She just got raped and they come to me for advice. Little I can do. I listened to her and was sympathetic but other than that my resources dried out. Rape is bad, I should know. That's one of the things I've forgotten now. Ha! I'm so damn naive that as soon as my boyfriend comes round I will have forgotten how he treats me and run into his arms just like nothing ever happened. To me nothing has ever happened; yet I'm stuck in this little room sitting next to a damn bloody toilet wondering if the scissors are sharp enough so I won't have to cut twice into my wrist. I hate pain; it hurts. Makes the whole suicide thing worse. For a person who hates pain I am a pretty poor soul who decides to go out this way. I wish there was an easier way but then everyone would be opting for suicide instead of working out our problems. Maybe then we could solve some of them. There maybe a possibility that there is a better solution. We should learn to talk to people 'cause otherwise this world is as good as a pile of crap. Talking about crap I actually think it is a very useful substance. A dung beetle wouldn't survive without the damn stuff. It is born in the stuff and then lays it's next generation in the same blooming stuff. It's all a big cycle of crap for that beetle yet he leads a good life. Maybe we are the same. We need crap to survive. Otherwise we wouldn't learn from out mistakes. Then were would this world be. Still in the ice age I guess. I could do with some ice my throat is so sore. Maybe I will go and get some. Hmmm ice cream sounds good right now. My favorite is strawberry.

To Love or not to Love

    What do you do when you love some one and not allowed to show it.  Well I guess I have it easy 'cause I do not know for definate that I love him as I am not allowed to feel it so I don't.  I just wonder sometimes.   Why is it that some loves are forbidden just because you happened to date someone else first?  I know I know the answer but I still wonder.  I knew him for longer than I knew the first guy and longer than he knew him, yet because of some crule twist of fate I got together with the guy instead and now afterwards I cannot be with him.   Life is a very cursed thing.  I am just happy I get to spend time with him, he is a very wonderful person, who is fun to hang around.  We can talk about everything under the sun and he is so smart and has a way of just showing his personality in everything he does.  Isn't it wierd that as soon as I look at personality instead of looks I am lead to the one who makes me smile no matter what.  Even when he is also downhe can help me raise up out of the dark pit a little more.  When you look for people on the basis of looks you are lead to people who just care about looks or physical pleasures that over time become boring and fade away.  It is the interllectual that can capture the mind and the spirit.  The ones who know that pleasures of that sort are just for fun and who believe that having fun is the only reason to do things.  There are very few in the world that can think this and sadly are the ones who have the worser lot in life.  Of course on another tangent, why is it that the words "I Love You" have so much meaning.  I have never placed any meaning on those three words yet today I was crestfallen when I thought that I would never here them again from the lips of the one I cared about.  Why would I suddenly change my outlook?  Of course does that mean that I, again, have found someone to cling too for the time being?  Or doest it mean something more?  I do wish that I knew what was going on sometimes.  Again something has skewed my life.  I mean here I am following my normal routine for the moment, not worrying about accidentally crossing boundries and then wham it all flips over me and now I am worried about going to far.  Now I have to watch what I am doing just because of my damn curiosity.  I wish I wasn't so curious, it would solve most of my problems.  Like this one for example.  I am so curious about things that now the freedom I once had has dissapered and now I am confined to what is safe.  What a better way to leach all fun out of everything.  Unfortunatly I cannot relax when I constantly have to be worrying about whether I am jumping over one of these new boundries that have been put up 'cause of my damn curiosity.  Just because I went a little too far I now have to find out where the new boundries are and until then the fun goes out the window.  I have to admit though I would have prefered to have gone through life the way I did then not be the way I am today.  I have grown up into a very complex person abcause of what I have been through.  I would not realize the value of haveing fun until that was taken away from me by Randy.  I would not have realised how strong I can be until I stood up for myself after being beaten down for 18 years by my parents.  I would still be meek and mild if I hadn't met the people I know today.  I give my thanx to everyone 'cause they helped shape to person today.  From the flaws and quirks to the smile and personality.  I am Amy Rebecca Joy Hamilton and no one can take that away from me, I thank myself for that.

The Month of June

   You want to know something, I hate the month of June and July.  There is nothing that ever goes right for me in this months, its like there is an evil force that has cursed me.  I think that I finally got out of it and that I am better but then it all comes back bringing me down even more than before.  It is like there is something that is teasing me, just waiting for me to crack.  Well let me tell you what has happened.  Firstly I find out that my car needs breaks replaced, no biggy until I find out that my struts are going, yet I cannot fix them until they breack on me.  Imaging I get to find out my struts are broken going 70 mi/hr on the freeway, Kaboom.  Well then the 9th comes around Raven's day of birth, yeah I know I shouldn't have named her but when you dream about someone and they tell you a name you usually identify that person by that name.  Of course today is the 9th of July, Crys's birthday so thats a real happy day too.  Anyways back to the list, I have gotten close to a friend of mine, way too close for what is good for my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend, oh don't let me get into that.  Well at least he isn't as bad as Randy, that is what Contemplations is all about.  Ah yes talking about him, Randy decides to show up at my work causing a mental breakdown for me in front of my co-workers, not fun.  Not only that but I also find out that I still cannot say no to this guy and I end up being asked out and accepting.  Am I perthetic or what.   I mean here he is the guy who almost killed me through screwing with my mind and I say "Yes" to go out with him and make myself a victim again.  Luckly a good friend was able to coach me to tell Randy to get the hell out of my life, or something to that effect.  The way my sister retold it sounded better.  All the way through this I get written up twice for being late at work and I am being pulled through the final grill as my parents realize that I am slipping through their grasp.  It's like they have finally realized that they havn't done shit for me and so they are doing last minute efforts to be nice but then they all fall through 'cause they are so used to putting me down.  Yeah my sister made a wonderful comment about how Daddy came up to her saying, "Well I know I have been a little hard on you recently but I hope you know I am still proud of you."  Ha!! he has never said that to me unless I prompt him by saying the usual, "Why do you never tell me that you love me?"  Well I guess I am and always will be the scapegoat of the family.  It is just another role I have to fill.  Everyone has roles to fill so as long as you know that and accept it while not letting it rule you life you will do well and live healthily.  Maybe I should take a class in that subject, it might help.

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