A nasty surprise in a sandwich,

A drawing-pin caught in your sock,

The limpest of shakes from a hand which

You’d thought would be firm as a rock,

A serious mistake in a nightie,

A grave disappointment all around

Is all that you’ll get from th’Almighty.

Is all that you’ll get underground.

Oh, he said: ‘If you lay off the crumpet

I’ll see you alright in the end.

Just hang on until the last trumpet.

Have faith in me chum—I’m your friend.

But if you remind him, he’ll tell you:

‘I’m sorry, I must have been pissed—

Though your name rings a sort of a bell. You

Should have guessed that I do not exist.

‘I didn’t exist at Creation,

I didn’t exist at the Flood.

And I won’t be around for Salvation

To sort out the sheep from the cud—

‘Or whatever the phrase is. The fact is

In soteriological terms

I’m a crude existential malpractice

And you are a diet of worms.

‘You’re a nasty surprise in a sandwich.

You’re a drawing pin caught in my sock.

You’re the limpest of shakes from a hand which

I’d have thought would be firm as a rock,

‘You’re a serious mistake in a nightie,

You’re a grave disappointment all around—

‘That’s all that you are,’ says th’Almighty,

‘And that’s all that you’ll be underground.’