JERRY: Hello and welcome to our special…‘Pokémon Masters and their Lives.’ Here we have a young trainer from Pallet Town, who started training at ten years old! Tell us what it was like.
ASH: Well Jerry…
MISTY enters
MISTY: Hold it!
ASH: Huh?
MISTY: You (beep)! You told me you were visiting your mother!
ASH: Misty, you’re embarrassing me.
MISTY hits ASH with her PSYDUCK
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
MISTY sits down
GUY: Yeah, I have a question. For the kid in the hat.
JERRY: Go ahead.
GUY: Er, yeah. I was wondering. Does that guy next to you ever open his eyes?
BROCK: I’ll answer this one Ash. Yes. I do.
GUY: Oh. Would you open them now?
BROCK: No.
ASH: Er, Brock. I’d leave the questions to me.
MISTY: You’d only screw up your answers, Ash.
ASH: That’s it Misty! I’ll…
JERRY: Whoa, there! That’s a different show altogether. Tell you what…I’m loving you guys. Why don’t you come back for my ‘Lovers Who Bite Back’ show?
ASH and MISTY: Lovers!?!?!
Next Show…
On Stage: JERRY, ASH, MISTY, BROCK, PIKACHU, PSYDUCK, TOGEPI
JERRY: Hi, and welcome back our guests. We also have some mystery friends behind the set, so stay tuned for some fighting! Now Ash, Misty. It’s obvious that you two know each other well. How long?
MISTY (sobbing): 6 years. 6 years I’ve wasted on that dope.
ASH: Dope? Me?
ASH raises fist
JERRY: Ash…
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JERRY: You wanna see a fight? Bring out guest No.1!
Applause as GARY steps out.
GARY: Hey, it’s the loser from my town!
ASH: Gary!
MISTY (dreamily): Gary.
GARY: Gramps dropped me off as a reward for capturing a Slowking.
ASH: Grrrrrr. I challenge you to a battle!
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
MISTY: Why bother? You’ll only lose.
ASH: Oh yeah? Well I challenge all of you! At the same time! With one Pokémon!
PIKACHU: Pika, pika…(I can see where this is going…)
ASH: Don’t you wanna battle?
PIKACHU: Pika pik! ([beep] that!)
ASH: Fine, I’ll use my Bulbasaur.
JERRY: Er, you weren’t allowed to bring your PokéBalls on set. Remember? For security reasons.
ASH: Dammit!
TOGEPI roars with evil laughter
JERRY: I think it’s time for guest No.2 –
Loud bang interrupts JERRY.
JESSE: Prepare for trouble…
ASH: Oh, no! Team Rocket!
JAMES: Maybe if we didn’t say that each time, we might actually achieve the element of surprise.
JESSE: Shut up!
MEOWTH: Youse guys forgot ta invite da most impoitant stars. Us!
JERRY: We didn’t invite them? What the hell am I paying you for? You idiots!
JERRY attacks his assistants.
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JESSE: You wanna see real action? Well here’s some interesting news for you. Hey twerp!
ASH: What do you want?
JESSE: Has anyone here ever met Ash’s father?
Shocked silence
JESSE: We have. It’s guest No.3…
Applause as GIOVANNI enters
GIOVANNI (breathing heavily): Ash…I am your father.
ASH: Nooooooooooo!
MISTY: Oh my (beep)ing God!
ASH: You (beep)ing (beep)! Where have you been the last 10 years? You (beep)er who likes to (beep) with little (beep) (beep) (beep) and the (beep) (beep) with chocolate and whipped (beep)ing cream!
GIOVANNI: I’ve been busy. Y’know, the usual. Cloning, world domination…
ASH: I’ve had it with your (beep) excuses.
ASH attacks GIOVANNI
JAMES: Jesse, you (beep) stirrer!
JESSE: As a woman I have a knack for knowing secrets.
MISTY: Really?
JESSE: Yes, I know what you did last summer.
MISTY: You do?!?
JESSE: Yes. I know that you are one of Brock’s hussies!
PSYDUCK: Psy?!?
Nurse JOY enters
JOY: You (beep), Brock! You said I was the only one! I should (beep) your (beep) with a (beep) so hard that it (beep)ing snaps off!
Officer JENNY enters
JENNY: I’m the only one for him, you (beep)!
BROCK: I can’t believe it! Women fighting over me!
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
GARY (with big sweatdrop): This is nuts. I’m leaving.
GARY exits
PIKACHU: PIIIIIIIIKKKKKKAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Silence
PIKACHU: Pika, pi pika chu pikachu? Pika chu-chu pika-pi pika!
ALL: Huh?
MEOWTH: It said ‘Hey, what are you foighting each udda for? Kick Jerry Springer’s butt instead.
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JERRY: Oh, (beep)!
A few minutes later…
JERRY: Now that you’ve all calmed down after some electric shock treatment (smiles at Pikachu), we should be able to make sense of this. Meowth, tell us the story…
MEOWTH: Certainly. Ash is da son ov Giovanni and Mrs Ketchem. Mrs Ketchem is having wild pig-sex wit’ Professa Oak. Ash’s goirlfriend is Misty, who ‘ad an affair wit’ Brock. Brock is also (beep)ing Joy, Jenny, Jesse…
JAMES: What!
MEOWTH: …Giovanni, Gary, Tracey, James and Psyduck.
MISTY: No wonder it looks so traumatised!
PSYDUCK: Psyyyy.
BROCK: Hey!
TOGEPI falls off chair laughing
ASH: I thought Brock’s problem was that he couldn’t get laid.
MEOWTH: Jesse doesn’t know that James married Jessebelle two weeks ago.
JESSE: You (beep)! I’ll kill you, you Mother(beep)er!
JERRY: Let’s bring out Jessebelle!
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JESSEBELLE enters
JESSEBELLE: Wonderful news, James dearest.
JAMES: I swear, Jesse. I only did it for the money. I’m gay. I told you.
JESSEBELLE: I’m pregnant.
JAMES: What the (beep)!
JESSE: You can’t be! I’m pregnant!
MISTY: So am I!
JOY: Me too!
JENNY: That goes for me too.
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JERRY: Who’s the father of these kids?
ALL GIRLS: Dunno.
JERRY: Join us after the break. During which, we shall consult Professor Oak and Nurse Joy on blood tests for these kids.
After Break
On Stage: JERRY, ASH, MISTY, BROCK, JESSE, JAMES, GIOVANNI, JOY, JENNY, MEOWTH, PIKACHU, MEWTWO, PSYDUCK, TOGEPI
ASH: You’ve got a nerve to call me a pig (beep)er. I should…Oh! Are we back?
JERRY: Well here we have the exciting conclusion to the first part of our show. Mewtwo will read out the fathers of each woman’s baby.
MEWTWO: James is the father of…Jesse and Jessebelle’s babies.
JAMES: Oh (beep).
MEWTWO: Ash is no-one’s father.
ASH: Misty!
MEWTWO: Giovanni is Ash and Jesse’s father!
AUDIENCE gasps
MEWTWO: Brock is no-one’s father.
BROCK: Phew! MEWTWO: The father of Misty Jr is…Tracey!
AUDIENCE gasps
ASH: You mean that gay chubbo we met?!
MISTY: Oops.
MEWTWO: The father of Joy and Jenny’s babies is… Jerry Springer!
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JERRY: Uh oh! Er, tune in next time for ‘When Midget Farmers Eat Their Neighbour’s Goats’. Good bye everyaaaaggghhhh!
All the guys attack JERRY
BROCK: I heard that you called me bad in bed you (beep).
ASH: Get off Brock! Oh wait, you already did (!)
BROCK: (beep) you!
Insults fade into music
Final Thought
MEWTWO: I learned a lot today. Don’t take your Pikachu for granted. And be safe, not pregnant.
MEOWTH: Shuddup ya gay (beep)!
MEWTWO: YOU SON OF A (beep)!
TOGEPI: Foolish mortals. I shall succeed where Mewtwo and The Brain failed. I shall take over the world and you shall all bow down to the almighty one called Togepi! Bwhahahahahaha…
MEOWTH: Shuddup, ya chicken period
END
