OK, so any Pokémaniac worth their salt knows that Togepi evolves into Togechikku, but hey, this
is me here. Togepi may or may not be evil, but how about an evolved form a thousand times more
evil than anything anyone has ever imagined? *cracks her knuckles* Ow. This oughtta be good,
read on! And if you own Pokémon, hasn't anyone ever told you that imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery? Eh heh heh, heh heh...Never mind.
One happy shiny day in Pokéland, Ash, Misty and Brock were walking through the miscellaneous
forest. Contrary to popular belief, they weren't lost.
"Um....OK, this is.....Fushia City..and this is..." mused Brock.
"You're holding the map upside down." Misty said helpfully.
"Toge Toge Briiiiii!" chirped Togepi. Brock sweatdropped and turned the map around.
"Well, it doesn't really matter THAT much if we're lost, right?" Ash offered, "We might catch a
new Pokémon!" Brock and Misty turned around and clobbered Ash, then returned to the task at
hand.
Pikachu sighed and Thundershocked its master into consciousness. After a few hours, Brock and
Misty tied a blindfold on Ash, spun him around a few times, and set off down the path he chose.
They wandered along for a while, then came to the edge of a stream, where the group decided to
take a break from aimless travel. Just then, Pikachu heard a sound.
"What is it Pikachu?" said Ash. Pikachu ran a short distance along the stream, followed by its
human pals, and pointed to a Magikarp on the stream bank.
"Pika!" the mouse said decisively. The fish Pokémon was flopping weakly, muttering its name and
gasping.
"It's a Magikarp!" Misty concluded.
"Yeeeeah, I'm gonna catch it!" Ash yelled, striking a pose.
"Really...?!" said Misty.
"A Magikarp...?!" said Brock. Ash put his fingers together meekly.
"No, I just felt like saying that." Everyone facefaulted.
"Well, we should put it back in the water." said Brock. Togepi wandered over to the fish and
climbed onto it out of childish curiousity.
"Togepi! Get down off of that Magikarp!" Misty said, but the egg just jumped up and down and
burbled happily. The impact of Togepi jumping was too much for the Magikarp however; it
fainted. Togepi stepped down off of the unconscious fish and looked at Misty innocently.
"Oh, now look at what you've-" Misty started, then gasped sharply as Togepi started to glow.
"Is it evolving?" Ash said.
"The experience from beating that Magikarp must have been enough to make it evolve!" Brock
explained. Togepi turned bright white, it's tiny body grew and reformed, then it's new body settled
and became visible. It was a giant purple dinosaur smiling widely and staring at nothing in
particular.
"Duh, hi everybody!" it said in a deep yet ditzy voice.
"What's that?" Ash said dimly, flipping open Dexter.
"Barney: the incredibly annoying Pokémon. There are only a few of this Pokémon in existance,
which is probably a good thing. One is used to brainwash small children on national television. It is
very irritating and few people can tolerate it for long."
"Uh oh!" Ash said.
"Oh, goodie! New friends!" Barney yelped, jumping excitiedly. "Super-dee-duper!"
"Oh, no!" Misty wailed, "Not another annoying Pokémon! I want my Togepi back!" From the
trees, Team Rocket watched the spectacle.
"Bahney?" Meowth said, "Isn't dat some screwy kid's show?"
"I used to watch that show as a kid!" James objected, "And there's nothing wrong with it! It's very
entertaining!" Meowth sweatdropped.
"Really? I'da tought dose Telatubbies would be more your style, ya know, dat poiple one dat's g-"
Jessie interrupted, "Well, whatever children's show that thing is from, we have to catch it for the
Boss!" James and Meowth nodded. The members of Team Twerp were trying very hard to keep
their patience.
"For the last time," Misty said through clenched teeth, "We don't want to play pretend!"
"Oh, I love to play pretend!" Barney said, skipping about, "Let's go on an adventure!"
"Yeah, adventures are fun!" Ash cried, jumping up to skip with the dinosaur.
"I'm a pirate!" Barney said bouncing around and waggling his tail.
"I'm a Pokémon Master!" Ash said, prancing in circles around Brock and Misty, who prayed that
this was a dream. Then, smoke filled the clearing and mysterious music started.
"Team Rocket!" Ash said venomously. Two shadowy figures appeared.
"Oh, goodie! Another new friend! And this one's a cute little kitty cat!"
"Elp.....Me!" Meowth gasped. Jessie and James panicked, then re-posed.
"We're going to steal that Barney of yours and there's nothing you can do about it! Ahahahahaha!"
Jessie cackled. Misty threw herself at Jessie's feet.
"Oh, thank you! I was counting the seconds until I could be rid of that thing! Do you think you
could take Psyduck while you're at it?"
"Uh, um..." Jessie stammered, "Don't think you can stop us...!" James pushed a button on a
remote control and the Meowth balloon appeared over the trees.
"Mwahaha, now we're going to take your, um, precious Barney! Meowth, get out of there!"
Meowth, who was turning blue in Barney's grasp, used the last of his strength to slash Barney
across the face.
Barney dropped Meowth and wailed, "Owie! I got a boo-boo!" James pressed another remote
control button and a cannon came out of the balloon. It fired a net around the weeping dinosaur
and the balloon started to rise. Jessie and James jumped onto the net and Meowth, who was still
catching his breath, sank a claw into a lower rope.
"Thanks for your Pokémon!" said Jessie.
"So long, suckers!" said James, and they both laughed menacingly.
"Goodbye, thank you! Come back any time!" Misty called, waving cheerfully.
Ash sat down and started to cry. "I wasn't done playing pretend!"
Later, in a secluded clearing, Jessie, James and Meowth looked over their catch. "The Boss
should love this Pokémon!" Jessie said.
"We'll be promoted!" squealed James.
"Can't we put dat Bahney in a Pokéball? It's creepin' me out!" Meowth said nervously.
"Wait a second," James said, "Remember when we brought Togepi to the Boss?"
*Flashback* Boss: What does it do? Jessie: Uh....um....It would make a handsome
paperweight...? *End Flashback*
Jessie snapped her fingers. "Right, we should figure out what its attacks are first." Meowth grew
panicky.
"Can't we just say dat it's real annoyin'?" But it was too late, Jessie and James had taken the net
off of the Barney.
"Aw, I was having fun pretending I was a fishie in a fishing net!" Barney grinned.
"Um, well we've got another fun game for you!" James said in a voice one would use on a small
child, "You can play with Meowth!" Barney jumped about happily.
"Super-dee-duper!" Meowth freaked out and jumped onto Jessie's head.
"Keep dat ting away from me!" he wailed.
Jessie grabbed him and whacked him with her mallet, "Don't mess up my hair!" Meowth went
flying, but before he could recover and scratch Jessie, Barney grabbed him again.
"So, what would that be called? Wrap? Bind? Constrict?" James asked, tapping a pencil on a
notebook page. Jessie looked at the lovely shade of lavender Meowth was turning.
"Hmm, no. Maybe Lovely Hug, like a Jynx' Lovely Kiss! Hey Meowth, do you feel like falling
alseep?" Meowth just gurgled something, which it was probably best that they couldn't
understand. Barney was horrified.
"Nasty bad words!" He held out Meowth and started smacking him.
"Doubleslap!" Jessie and James said in unison, and wrote furiously.
Ash, Misty and Brock were still wandering through the forest, talking about how tired and hungry
they were in hopes that a town would magically appear, when the area filled with smoke, laughter
and mysetrious music. Everyone groaned.
A voice from high up in a tree called, "I ain't comin' out 'til dat ting goes in a Pokéball!" James
shrugged.
"Suit yourself!"
"What are you doing back here?" Brock asked angrily, "You've already taken a Pokémon!"
"They're back for Psyduck, right?" Misty said, holding out a Pokéball.
"Yeah, why are we here?" James whispered. Jessie bopped him with her paper fan and said, "To
get Pikachu. If the Boss will promote us for Barney, just think what he'll do for Barney AND
Pikachu!"
"Good idea, maybe we could test out Barney in battle too!" James said excitedly. Jessie nodded.
"Right. Go Barney, um, you're going to get a new friend to play with!"
"Super-dee-duper!" Barney cheered, jumping in front of Jessie and James.
"Alright then," Ash said, "I choose you, Bulbasaur!" he tossed the Pokéball and the seed
Pokémon appeared.
Jessie called, "Barney, Tail Whip that Bulbasaur!"
Barney shook his head, "It's not nice to hurt a friend!"
Jessie struggled to maintain her composure, while James pointed down the path and told Barney,
"Look, another new friend!" Barney's face brightened.
"Where?" He turned quickly and accidently smacked Bulbasaur in the head with his huge tail.
Bulbasaur staggered dizzily for a moment, then shook its head.
Ash pointed dramatically and yelled, "Bulbasaur, Razor Leaf now!"
The Pokémon complied and sent a volley of sharp leaves at Barney. However Barney was still
turning back and forth looking for the new friend, and his tail swatted the leaves away before they
could do any damage.
Ash and Bulbasaur struck matching dumbfounded looks.
"Barney, why don't you give that Bulbasaur a Lovely Hug?" James called. Barney happily grabbed
Bulbasaur and gave it a huge squeeze. Bulbasaur looked to Ash for help as it felt like its ribs were
breaking. Ash gritted his teeth.
"Bulbasaur, Leech Seed!" A seed came out of Bulbasaur's bulb and landed on Barney's nose,
where vines began sucking out energy.
"Hoo hoo, that tickles!" Barney giggled. The seed sucked more energy and Barney laughed
harder.
"Wha-? That should have beaten it...!" Ash said.
"It seems like when Barney laughs, he gains energy!" Brock explained.
Misty snapped her fingers, "So THAT'S why Psyduck is such a loser Pokémon! I should be
hitting it with a feather duster to tickle it when it acts doofy!" By this time, Bulbasaur had struggled
out of Barney's grasp while the dinosaur was laughing hysterically over the Leech Seed. The seed
fell off and Barney stood, as energetic as ever.
"Time to finish this! Barney, Hypnosis Song! Sing that fun song you were singing earlier!"
"Oh goodie!" Barney jumped excitiedly, then cleared his throat.
"I love you, you love me We're a happy family With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too? "
Bulbasaur cringed and tried to stuff razor leaves into its ears, but then the song began to take
effect. Bulbasaur's eyes glazed over, it staggered sleepily over to Barney and began happily
rubbing Barney's leg like a cat.
"Bulbasaur, what are you doing!?" Ash cried.
"Your Bulbasaur can't battle any more kid!" Jessie said.
"We've won!" James said gleefully. Then Jessie and James looked at each other and grinned.
"We won, we won, we wo-on! We won, we won, we wo-on!" they sang, dancing in a circle.
Then they re-posed.
"Now hand over your Pikachu!" Jessie demanded.
"Pikachu, Thundershock!" Ash yelled, then looked around. "Pikachu?" Then he spotted Pikachu
hugging Barney's leg. "Pikachu, how could you?! You were hypnotised too?" Ash wailed.
"Whoo, that was fast! It only took us an hour today to get this Barney and now the twerp's
Pikachu!" James said, "Could we stop at Tim Horton's on our way to see the Boss?"
Jessie shrugged, "Sure, I guess we have time." Barney looked a bit surprised.
"An hour?"
"Yeah, why?" Jessie said.
"Well, I've had a lot of fun today, but I have to go now. See you all again soon, and remember, I
love you!" With a flurry of special effects, Barney turned into a tiny plush version of himself.
"Noooo! Our promotion!" Jessie and James ran to the doll.
"I guess it's back to being a handsome paperweight." James said sadly. Meowth leaped down
from the tree and slashed the toy to bits.
"Ha ha! Good riddance!" he cried with glee. Jessie smacked Meowth with her fan.
"What did you do that for!? There might have been a way to bring it back!" Meowth rubbed his
head bitterly.
"Dat ting's evil, I tell ya! It probly would've taken ovah da Boss' mind an'-" Meowth then went
pale, "-made him.. get rid o' da Poysain.." He grabbed the bits of purple plush and tried to put
them back together.
"Nevermind that, we may as well swipe Pikachu!" James said, pointing to Ash's Pikachu and
Bulbasaur. Ash was attempting to recall Bulbasaur and the Pokémon was dodging the beam while
trying to get closer to Barney's remains. But Pikachu was sitting, rocking slowly back and forth
and chanting the Pikachu version of Barney's song.
"It's still hypnotised!" Jessie said.
"Grab it!" Meowth cried. The trio lunged at Pikachu and stuffed it into a rubber bag, and the
rodent put up no fight.
"Pikachu!" Ash yelled, and tried to run after Team Rocket, but Bulbasaur stopped him.
"Bulba Bulbasaur Bulba Bulbasaur saur Bulba!" it said.
"'Don't hurt the Carriers of The Purple One'?!" Ash said incredulously, "They tore him up!"
Bulbasaur shook its head and wouldn't let Ash pass. Misty sighed.
"Guess it's back to the drawing board for me." Then she noticed a large egg under a bush nearby.
She picked it up as it started to crack. Brock and Ash gathered round as the top of the egg came
off and a tiny grey head came out.
"Lugia?" the chick chirped. Team Twerp panicked.
"I've never seen that before." Brock said. Ash, Misty and Brock looked at each other.
"RUN!!" They screamed, dashing away at top speed. The baby Pokémon looked confused and
began to cry, then Meowth picked it up.
"I got a good feelin' about dis one!" he grinned as the baby Lugia squeaked happily.
Epilogue: Jessie, James and Meowth gave Pikachu to Giovanni, who gave them a promotion, but
took it back when he found that Pikachu was permanently hypnotized, wouldn't battle, and loved
to hug purple things.
Meowth tended to the Lugia, but when it evolved into a Baby Bop, he gave the Pokémon to
Giovanni. The Boss promtly threw himself off the top of his 20-story headquarters. Ash, Misty
and Brock devoted their lives to training Pidgeys and Rattatas, and became crazy hermits in the
woods who screamed incoherently at the mere mention of rare Pokémon.
The Magikarp recovered and continued flopping. A wild Nidoran ate the pieces of the Barney
doll and got a sudden urge to hug people.
That was fun! ^_^ E-mail me rants and raves, or suggestions of other kids' shows to mock
