Sexual Musings Associated w/ Assorted Characters
As a simple introduction, I'd like to describe the setting in which the discussion provoking this article came about. Austyn, Renee, and Whitney(I) were sitting in Renee's basement watching the second Harry Potter movie and making some inferences based on our minimal knowledge. The resulting "facts" are obviously not true, but it made quite an interesting discussion. *disclaimer: none of us have anything against transvestites, or are homophobic, we just thought that this was funny after reading about Harry being gay* The following was written by Austyn about our discussion:
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First off, transvestites are always around. Many people just don't know that they are truly transvestites because transvestites don't go around flaunting their lack of...erm...gender. Now, this provokes a question: Transvestites are considered to be both male AND female. However, in the wizarding world, would this hold true? Wouldn't they be able, as wizards, to simply, SWITCH back and forth between genders? Now you see it, now you don't? POOF! I'm a female! POOF! I'm a male!
So, with this in mind, we are faced with the difficult task, of figuring out, the sexual preferences of some of the key male characters in the Harry Potter series. We shall begin with Lord Voldemort, formerly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle (whom Renee thinks is Harry's true father. But Whitney and Austyn think she's on crack. No wait, that would be Renee's kitten who's been snorting drugs. Figures, their house is near Austyn's. Anywho...). Voldemort is a transvestite. Furthermore, he has AIDS. Voldemort got AIDS from Draco Malfoy's father, Lucius Malfoy. Ever wonder why those two were so tight? Also, this explains Draco's un-controlled anger issues. Wouldn't you vent your frustrations at having a gay father with intimate relations with the Dark Lord by preying on the Mudbloods? He simply wants more self-esteem! Also, this explains Lucius' profoundly UN-natural hair color. And how silky and shiny it is. Because he's gay, and wants to be Fabio.
Now, on to the Basilisk. The Basilisk looks like a hernia. Okay, now that that's settled...The reason why the Basilisk is out to get..people...is because it was brutally transvetite-raped by Lord Voldemort. That would suck. Poof! There it was! Now, the Basilisk has AIDS. Bad news for Harry Potter! Not only did the Basilisk stab it with it's poisonous fang (as well as bloodied fang) but he also touched the BLADE of the Basilisk-bloodied sword!
Now, this brings us to our next point...
Harry has AIDS.
Harry is also gay. Can you blame him? He grew up without parents! Harry is also in love with Ron. THAT is why they always has jealous spats, and why it was so hard for Harry to ask a FEMALE to go to the Ball with him. Now, you might ask, "Why hasn't Harry told Ron his true feelings?" Well, besides that fact that it would be quote "creepy," It would also amount to nothing. This is because of two things. 1) Ron OBVIOUSLY has the hotts for Hermione, and vice versa. 2) Harry doesn't want Ron to get AIDS, and he's worried that Fred and George might not think him "cool" anymore, if they knew that he was gay...even though in the movies, the Weasley twins look like lizards.
Now, for my conclusion. Sarah, please don't hate us. We still love Oliver Wood. He's a frickin' hottie. Sadly, Renee thinks that that proves him to be gay as well, especially since his name is Shawn BIGGERSTAFF. Come on here!!! But still, he's hott.
Obviously, these are all the musings of three very sleepy people, retold by the sleepiest one of all. Now, here's Renee with her musings on Harry's TRUE father.
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Doesn't he look like Mr. O in that picture? Kinda ruined the fantasy for us....
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