STUPID CUPID

By Pulsar and Vortex

(The sun is rising over the sleepy, peaceful town of Pallet. A Dodrio calls out at the sun. A sleepy Ash stirs in his bed.)

Ash: Oh, man.....

(A rapping on the door.)

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, honey, time to wake up! Your friends are here! Get dressed and come to breakfast!

(A few moments later, a groggy Ash stumbles downstairs.)

Misty: Morning, Ash!

Brock: You still look tired.

Ash: I didn't get too much sleep last night.

Mrs. Ketchum: Did you have a nightmare, honey?

Ash: (under his breath, so that only Misty and Brock can hear) Yeah, I dreamed that Misty kissed me.

Mrs. Ketchum: What was that, sweetie?

Misty: (her voice dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, sweetie. (angrily) WHAT was that? (kicks him under the table)

Brock: Hey, hey, that's no way to play footsie! (Misty turns her attention to Brock) OW!!! THAT HURTS!!!!

Misty: Well, it wasn't supposed to tickle, genius!

Ash: It was terrible, Mom! I dreamed an ogress tried to kiss me and then kill me!

(Misty kicks him so hard that he yelps and falls under the table.)

Mrs. Ketchum: Are you all right, Ash?

Ash: Yeah, sure, I'm fine, Mom. I just had a sudden feeling of deja vu.

(The doorbell rings.)

Mrs. Ketchum: Would you get that, Mr. Mime?

(Mr. Mime gets the door.)

Ash: Well, who is it?

Misty: It's a Pokemon, dummy! It can't talk!

Ash: HE. HE can't talk.

Misty: (muttering) Male chauvinist pig.

Ash: (overhearing) 'Chauvinist'?

Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, look, Ash, it's your friend Gary!

(Ash's mom goes over to him and starts exclaiming over the multitude of Pokémon he has captured. Ash pouts.)

Gary: Hi, Mrs. Ketchum. You're looking especially radiant today!

Mrs. Ketchum: Why thank you, Gary! How kind of you!

Gary: Well, I figured that sometimes Ash must get so wrapped up in his EXTENSIVE training (there is no mistaking the sarcasm in his voice) , he probably doesn't compliment you as much as a lovely lady like you deserves!

Mrs. Ketchum: (blushes a little) Thank you, Gary!

Gary: It's my pleasure. Is Ash busy?

Ash: YES!!!

Mrs. Ketchum: Well, Gary, why don't you come in and join us for breakfast while you wait for Ash to finish up?

(Ash vigorously shakes his head "NO!". Gary chuckles to himself at his discomfort.)

Gary: Well, if it's no trouble, whatever's for breakfast sure smells delicious! I'll bet you cooked it yourself!

Mrs. Ketchum: Well, Mr. Mime helped a little..... Please, come in! Would you like some eggs?

Gary: Sounds great!

(Later, after all have eaten breakfast and Mr. Mime has washed the dishes.....)

Gary: Ash, may I have a word with you in private?

Ash: (a bit warily) Sure....

(Ash limps after Gary out the door. Brock is bandaging his leg.)

Brock: Man, Misty, you should take up soccer! (winces in pain)

(Misty giggles to herself and plays peekaboo with Togepi.)

Ash: So whaddya want, Gary?

Gary: (drops his pleasant manner) I WANT you to tell me what you think you're doing going out with my sister!

Ash: I'm not doing ANYTHING!!

Gary: How come I saw her kiss you last night on our porch and then sneak in?

Ash: (thinking quickly and obviously lying) We're practicing for a play!

Gary: WHAT play?

Ash: Uh, Romeo and Juliet?

Gary: Oh, really? Well, let me help you practice your DEATH SCENE!!!

(Gary leaps at Ash in his fury. Ash ducks away and tries to run. Gary grabs his ankle and pulls him to the ground. They scuffle.)

Gary: Stay away from my sister!!!

Ash: No! I like her!

Gary: Well, I HATE you, and I can beat you up so my opinion's a little more important!!

(Our perspective changes and we see Misty in the doorway listening. She is shocked. Her mouth hangs open and her eyes widen.)

Gary: I'll kill you!

(Ash runs away a few steps. Misty runs to Gary. She grabs his arms.)

Misty: Stop it, Gary!

Gary: Why? He kissed my sister!

Misty: Why do you care?

Gary: My sister and my rival, together! What kind of brother would I be if I didn't care? Why are you so worried about him anyway? He HAS a girlfriend, now, and it's not you, so why are you protecting him?

Misty: Because he's my friend!

(Gary pulls out of her grip. He faces her, looks her straight in the eye. He speaks to her quietly, so that Ash cannot hear.)

Gary: Is friends all you WANT to be, deep down inside? 'Cause now that's all you're gonna be, at least, as long as they're together.....

Misty: (whispering) They're happy together. I wouldn't break them up for the world...

Gary: (quietly but forcefully) Why should they only be happy when you know you can make Ash totally, completely blissful? Whose happiness is more important, yours or hers?

Misty: (weakly) I don't like Ash. He's happy with her. I won't hurt their relationship.

Gary: (a little louder, but not so loud Ash can hear) So you're just gonna give up on him without a fight? I thought he meant more to you.

(Her eyes water. She swallows repeatedly. She forces out her words, yet speaks weakly, as if tired of fighting her inner feelings.)

Misty: He means nothing to me.

Gary: (leans over and speaks directly in Misty's ear) You mean he's everything to you. (turns away and walks home) If you change your mind, I'll be at my grandfather's lab.

(A lone tear trails its way down Misty's face. She turns her back to Gary, sinks to the ground, and places her face in her hands. Her shoulders shake and a few tiny wet drops appear on the ground under her hands.)

Meowth: (from the doorway) Awww, how heartbreaking. Gag me wit' a spoon.

(Misty wipes her face and rises to her feet hurriedly.)

Ash: It's Team Rocket! What are you doing in my house?

James: What do you THINK?

Jesse: Dweeb.

Ash: What's a dweeb?

Jesse: Dweeb. Moron. Nimrod. Geek. Weenie. What part of this is not getting THROUGH?

Ash: I am NOT a hot dog!

Jesse: That's debatable.

Ash: Dee-bait-uh-bull?

Meowth: I think we've overstepped the limits of his vocabulary.

Ash: Voh-cab-yoo-lair-ee?

Misty: ENOUGH! Ash, let's get out of here!

Ash: Huh? Oh, right!

Jesse: Hey, twerp, you sure you want to go now? (holds up Pikachu. She is wearing rubber gloves, so Pikachu's shocks aren't bothering her. She cackles evilly) Hahahahaha!

Ash: NO!!! PIKACHU!!

(Team Rocket scrambles onto the roof, where their balloon is waiting. Jesse is the last one to climb onto the roof, and before she can pull her left leg up after herself, Misty lunges at her, grabbing her by the ankle and knocking her off balance. Jesse tumbles off the roof and lands on Misty. Pikachu takes this opportunity to bite Jesse's gloved arm, causing her to let go.)

Jesse: OUCH!

Misty: (muffled because Jesse's elbow is in her mouth) Ow....

Ash: Pikachu! (picks up his rodent, then sees that Misty is at the bottom of a rather painful looking pile) Misty!

(He grabs her arm, dislodging her from Jesse. He pulls her away and they race into the woods.)

James: They're getting away!

Jesse: Let them go! My well-being is more important than that dork's Pikachu!

(Deep in the woods...)

Ash: Misty, are you okay?

Misty: (sees his genuine concern. A small smile touches her lips, even though it is evident she is in pain) Yeah, I should be fine. I probably just need to rest....

Ash: (sighing with relief) It's a good thing you're okay. (Misty's smile grows) ...Because I have a date with Gary's sister in... (checks his watch) ten minutes!

(Misty flops over and sighs.)

Misty: Well, I guess I'll see you later.

Ash: (anxious to get to his date) Yeah, okay, buh-bye! (runs off.)

(Misty struggles to her feet, using a tree for support.)

Misty: (to herself) Let's see, Professor Oak's lab should be right over.....there! (points to her right. She limps in that direction) Gary had better be there..... (arrives. Gary is not there) Somehow I knew this was going to happen... (falls over, unable to stand anymore)

(A Nurse Joy walks by with a big bulky package.)

Nurse Joy: Are you all right?

Misty: Urrrggghhhh....

Joy: Well, if you're not hurt, I'll be going.

Misty: Oh gods, pain!

Joy: I something the matter? Oh, you're hurt!

(Joy drags Misty into an uncomfortable room and checks her over.) I think you have a cold. I have some pills for you.

Misty: I don't have a cold!

Joy: If you're not sick, then get out!

Misty: Urrrggghhhh....

(Meanwhile, Team Rocket, exhibiting yet again their amazing recuperative powers, sneaks up behind Ash and Gary's sister as they smooch.)

Meowth: I tink I'm gonna be sick.

Jesse: Never mind that! I've just had a great idea! Instead of stealing Pikachu from that brat, why don't we steal HIM? Pikachu will follow!

(They throw gas bombs on the two lovebirds. They scream and pull apart. Team Rocket leaps between them and gas clouds the screen. We hear loud crashes and cries of "Hey, let go!" and the like. The gas clears and we see James holding Meowth in a headlock and Jesse holding Gary's sis.)

James: I still can't see! Is the gas gone? Oh my gosh, I'm blind! OW! Since when does Pikachu know a scratch attack?

Meowth: You idiot! You're holdin me! And you're not blind, just open your eyes!

James: Oh. (lets go and opens his eyes) Well, where's Pikachu?

Ash: Right here! Pikachu, Thunder attack!

Pikachu: PI....KA.....

Jesse: Hold it! If you shock us, you shock her, too! (to James and Meowth) I couldn’t get him, but she might be useful somehow.

Gary's Sis: Help, Ash!

Ash: Pikachu, don't!

(Pikachu deflects his shock. A nearby tree is hit and catches on fire.)

Ash: Let her go!

Meowth: Don't mess yourself, Romeo, we won't hurt her.

Jesse: Shut up, Meowth! How do you know I won't hurt her?

Meowth: She's our bargainin’ chip.

Ash: Huh?

James: I get it! A trade!

Meowth: Exactly. Pikachu for da girl. Your best friend for your chick.

Jesse: Do we have a deal, twerp?

Ash: Uh....

Jesse: Look, kid, I promise, no tricks or double crosses. You hand over Pikachu, we hand over your little girlfriend. You have my word.

Ash: Why should I trust you?

Meowth: What choice have ya got?

Jesse: Hurry up and trade with us. We're busy people, we don't have all day!......On second thought, never mind. We'll keep her and just make a deal with Gary. His Pokemon are much stronger and rarer anyway.

Ash: That's not true!

Jesse: Then make up your mind or we're outta here!

(Meanwhile, Misty has found Gary and they are plotting how to wreck Ash's relationship.)

Misty: So how are we gonna do this?

Gary: Well, I tried to threaten him and that didn't work. She won't listen to me, and she hardly knows you, so talking to her probably won't work. I guess there's only one thing we can do.

vMisty: What?

vGary: Make him jealous.

Misty: How?

Gary: If he likes you as much as I think he does, seeing you with somebody else should drive him crazy.

Misty: I don't know about that. And I'd feel bad about using some guy.

Gary: What if he was in on the plan?

Misty: But who would go along with it?

Gary: Me.

Misty: No way!

Gary: What would make him angrier than the girl he's secretly in love with going out with his arch-nemesis?

Misty: What makes you think he likes me?

Gary: Just trust me, he does. So are we gonna go through with this or not?

Misty: (after thinking a moment) Alright. I'm in. But no kissing!

Gary: Trust me, that's the farthest thing from my mind! (Misty smacks him upside the head) Then let's make plans!

(Meanwhile, Ash is taking enough time to build a pyramid to figure out what he's gonna do. Team Rocket gets impatient.)

Jesse: All right, dweeb, thirty more seconds, and we're leaving!

Ash: All right! I'm sorry, but keeping Pikachu out of the hands of Team Rocket is more important than anything! Take her!

Gary's Sis: Hey! You ungrateful, lecherous, lying, @$%*@%$^ b******!

James: Ooh, such language from a pretty girl!

Jesse: And they say WE'RE not trustworthy. So, your twerpy boyfriend dumped you to save a little electric rat. How typical. Guess it doesn't pay to join the twerps.

Gary's Sis: So what now?

Meowth: Well, we take ya to yer brudda and get Pokémon offa him for ya. Den we leave. Den we come back again fer dat Pikachu.

Gary's Sis: Is there another option?

Jesse: Well, you COULD cooperate and we wouldn't have to use you for ransom. Wanna join?

Gary's Sis: Fine. I'm in. I can't stand this indignity any longer. Do I get a uniform?

Ash: You're gonna join Team Rocket?

Gary's Sis: Yeah, I am. (moves closer to James) They seem a lot more interesting than you....And I bet he's a better kisser than you, too.

Ash: What!?!

Jesse and Meowth: (looking at each other) EEEEWWW!!!!

James: Huh? (realizes what she said and blushes furiously) Uh, uh....Just go put on a uniform!

(He hands her the uniform. She hops offstage and changes. Moments later, she's back onscreen and making her way closer to James. He notices and tries to put Jesse between them. He whispers to Jesse.)

James: She's making me nervous!

Jesse: Wuss.

Gary's Sis: Uh, you guys......Is it just me or is my ex RUNNING AWAY!?!

(They all look just in time to see Ash and Pikachu disappear between the trees.)

Jesse: NO!!! Come on you guys, let's get the twerp!

(Jesse, Meowth, and James all start running after them. Gary's sis grabs James's arm and won't let him leave.)

Gary's Sis: Looks like we're alone now.....Wanna smooch?

James: JESSE!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

(Jesse and Meowth turn to help and Ash and Pikachu get away.)

(Meanwhile, Gary and Misty are trying to get along and act like a couple for practice for when they have to make Ash jealous.)

Gary: So.....You like water Pokémon, right?

Misty: Yeah, I do. Wanna see mine?

Gary: Sure. Which ones do you have?

Misty: Horsea, Starmie, Staryu, Goldeen, and Psyduck.

Gary: You have a Psyduck?

Misty: (embarrased) Yeah.

Gary: I've got a Golduck.

Misty: (interested) Really?

Gary: Uh-huh. Golduck's my favorite water type Pokémon.

Misty: You're kidding! I LOVE Golduck! Who would have thought we'd have something in common?

Gary: Who would have thought we could stand being around each other?

Misty: Not me.

Gary: Me either.

(They smile at each other.)

Misty: You're not such a bad guy when you're not around Ash.

Gary: He brings out the worst in me.

Misty: I thought it was being around all those cheerleaders.

Gary: How could that be bad?

Misty: Well, if people constantly praise you, you might get a little full of yourself. It's good to be a little humble, and your own personal cheering squad couldn't have helped keep your ego in check.

Gary: There's nothing wrong with confidence!

Misty: I don't have a problem with confidence, it's arrogance I can't stand!

Gary: Are you calling me arrogant?

Misty: Well, if the shoe fits, you might as well wear it.

Gary: You little -- wait! We have to stop. We shouldn't be arguing over something this stupid. Maybe I was a little full of myself, but that's no reason for us to fight. Let's be calm about this.

Misty: You're right. Sorry.

Gary: It's okay. (laughs to himself) You know something? That was our first fight, and we made it through without breaking up.

Misty: (laughing) We're not even together in the first place! How could we break up?

Gary: (also laughing) I guess we couldn't. (notices Togepi) Hey, is that a Togepi?

Misty: Yeah. Wanna hold it?

Gary: Sure.

(Togepi smiles and mumbles its name happily as it snuggles in Gary's arms.)

Misty: Looks like Togepi really likes you. (glances at her watch) Oh my goodness, I'm late for dinner!

Gary: Here, you'd better take Togepi back.

Misty: No, I've got a better idea. Why don't you have dinner with us?

Gary: (thinks for a second) Alright. It'll give us a chance to practice driving Ash nuts.

(They walk away. Gary shifts Togepi to one arm and shyly puts his other arm around Misty's shoulder. She looks at him for a second, smiles, and rests her head on his shoulder. An Officer Jenny and a Nurse Joy watch them walk away.)

Jenny: (to Joy) Isn't young love so adorable?

Joy: Yeah. I remember the first time I fell in love. (sighs happily and smiles to herself)

Gary: (overhearing them and thinking to himself) First love? Me and Misty? Yeah, right. (looks at Misty for a second) Well, maybe.

Misty: (overhearing them and thinking to herself) Me and Gary in love? Hah! (looks at Gary for a second) Well, ....stranger things have happened.....But me and Gary in love... hah! Like that's gonna happen anytime soon. I could just imagine........hah! (laughs out loud)

Gary: (looking at her strangely) What's so funny?

Misty: I was just thinking of the look that's gonna be on Ash's face when he sees us together.

Gary: (laughing with her) He'll probably mess himself.

Misty: Yup.

(They head for Ash's house. When they get there, Ash is moping about the living room, pacing, and tripping over Pikachu every time he goes by the TV.)

Gary: Somethin' wrong, Ashy-boy?

Ash: My girlfriend joined Team Rocket!

Gary: My SISTER?!

Misty: Then we don't need to—to—

Ash: To what?

Gary & Misty: Ummmm......

Ash: What? What aren't you telling me?

Misty: (thinking) Might as well, anyway. It'd be good for him to squirm a bit. (to Ash) Gary and I are going out!

Ash: WHAT?!

Gary: That's right! What's the matter? Jealous, Ashy-boy?

Ash: Never!

Misty: It's nice to know you think so highly of me.

Ash: You are so—so—so uncute!

Misty: Ooh, that hurt.

Gary: C'mon, Mist, let's head into the kitchen and get some supper.

Misty: (blushing) Mist?

Gary: You don't like being called that?

Misty: No, it's okay...

Ash: Eeeewwww.....

Misty: Cram it, dork.

(Misty and Gary head into the kitchen.)

Ash: (to Pikachu) Can you believe it?

(In the kitchen......)

Gary: That was perfect! He's so obviously jealous.

Misty: Really?

Gary: Yeah. You notice how he had trouble insulting you? (mocks Ash) 'You're so—so—so uncute!' He's shocked!

(Ash walks toward the kitchen to overhear them.)

Misty: Well, it is something he never would have expected. I certainly didn't expect it.

Gary: Well, who said surprises are bad? (Misty blushes)

Ash: I do! Yuck! Gag me with a spoon!

(Gary throws a large wooden spoon at him. It hits him in the face.)

Gary: Go for it, Ashy-boy.

Misty: Don't you have anything better to do than eavesdrop? Oh, that's right, you don't. I forgot you don't have a girlfriend anymore!

Gary's Sis: (standing in the doorway with the rest of Team Rocket) Can you blame me for dumping the twerp? Team Rocket was holding me hostage, and he wouldn't trade that stupid yellow mouse for me!

Misty: How could you do that, you creep!?!

Ash: Pikachu's my friend and she's just some girl! I couldn't trade my best friend for her!

Gary: Hey, that girl you're talking about happens to be my sister!

Gary's Sis: You were right to tell me to stay away from him, Gary. I know I should have listened to you. Do you think you could do me a favor, bro?

Gary: Sure, sis, what do you need?

Gary's Sis: Your Pokémon!

Gary: What?

(Meanwhile, Brock and Mrs. Ketchum walk in the front door. They are carrying grocery bags because they have been at the store all afternoon.)

Jesse: Sounds like a good time for the motto! Ha ha ha! To protect the world from devastation!

James: To unite all peoples within our nation!

Jesse: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

James: To extend our reach -- OW!!!!

(James falls to the ground clutching his head. Jesse turns to look at him.)

Jesse: Get back on your feet, doofus! We have to finish the— (falls to the floor, dazed) ....motto......

(Everyone looks to the doorway. Brock is holding a bent pizza box in one hand and in the other, he has Meowth by the scruff of the neck. Try as he might, Meowth just can't scratch him.)

Brock: It may not be kung fu, but frozen pizza is still an excellent weapon!

(Gary's sis runs to him and gives him a big hug.)

Gary's Sis: My hero!!

Brock: Well, hello there, lovely lady. Who might you be?

Gary's Sis: Do you wanna waste time talking or do you wanna smooch?

(Brock drops the pizza onto James, who is writhing in agony because Gary's sis is standing on his ribcage. He hands Meowth to Mrs. Ketchum.)

Brock: I'll see you guys later!

(Brock and Gary's sis leave. Meanwhile, Jesse and James are trying to get up.)

Mrs. Ketchum: Mr. Mime!

Mr. Mime: Mime?

Mrs. Ketchum: Mr. Mime, could you show these people the door?

Mr. Mime: Mime!!

Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, take this thing too. (hands him Meowth)

Meowth: Who are you calling a ting, lady?

(Mr. Mime grabs them all and throws them out the door.)

Team Rocket: Looks like Team Rocket's getting thrown out again!

(There is no ping this time, only a thud as they land in the middle of the road.)

Mrs. Ketchum: Well, that takes care of that! Now who wants some cake?

Ash: I sure do!

Gary: I'd like some cake, Mrs. Ketchum!

Misty: None for me, I have to put Togepi to bed.

(Later, after Gary is done with his cake and Ash is starting on his fourth piece....)

Gary: Thanks, Mrs. Ketchum!

Mrs. Ketchum: You're welcome, Gary! Would you care for another piece before my son eats it all?

Gary: Nah, I'd better head home. I don't want my parents to be worried about me.

Ash: (mumbling with his mouth full) If you were my kid and you didn't come home, I'd throw a party!

(Misty, who has just walked into the room, overhears and smacks him upside the head.)

Misty: Shut up, Ash! You're such a jerk! (to Mrs. Ketchum) I'm going for a walk. I'll be back soon.

Gary: I'd better get going. Thanks again, Mrs. Ketchum. Goodnight!

Mrs. Ketchum: Goodnight, Gary! Come back soon!

Ash: Yeah, like after I move out.

(Misty smacks him again and leaves. Gary exits as well.)

(Outside....)