Kirk: Hey! That’s not right! Everything’s normal here!

McCoy: Same thing.

Kirk: Oh. I guess you’re right. I never really could tell, so I assumed it was routine.

Rand (under breath): Starfleet’s greatest captain, my Aunt Wilma’s undergarments!

Kirk: Did you say undergarments? I’m being captain right now, but you’ll find me in my quarters at 1400 hours. . .

(Rand’s face twists and she looks green. Suddenly, she turns around and throws up on the helm console.)

Sulu: Hey!

(The console sparks and emits smothered noises like a wet cat, then explodes in a shower of red and pink sparkles. Chekov yells.)

Kirk: What seems to be the problem, Ensign?

(Chekov cannot answer, having been hurled into Mr. Spock and rendering them both unconscious.)

Sulu (brokenly): My console. . . my beautiful panel. . . the oily, dirty plastic. . . the grease stain where Mandala dropped her taco. . . gone. . . all gone. . .

Kirk (looking at the main viewscreen): What’s that?

Spock (regaining consciousness): There appears to be a hole in space, and according to my calculations, our now wild and erratic course will carry us directly into it.

Kirk: You’ve only been awake five seconds! WHAT calculations?

Spock: It’s all in the ears. . .

(The explosion of the helm sets off a chain reaction, destroying all but the communications board. The captain’s chair looks particularly spectacular as it detonates.)

Kirk: My chair!

(The ship lurches as it enters the hole. The bridge becomes animated.)

Chekov (waking up): Ve’re all going to die!

(McCoy sedates Rand and drags her off to sickbay.)

McCoy (muttering): Damn womanizing. He’ll make ME sick.

(The ship stabilizes.)

Kirk: Where are we?

Spock: Unknown, Captain. However, since it is animated, it cannot be our own TV series.

Chekov (patting Sulu on the back): There, there, Hikaru. Mandala eats tacos ewery Friday, and the dirty and oily parts are easy to fix.

Sulu: *sniff* You really think so?

Chekov: Absolutely! Ve have this old saying in Russia--

Kirk: Everyone, we’re beaming down! Chekov, go collect oh, say, 13 redshirts and meet us in the transporter room! The rest of you, follow me!

(They all go to the transporter room and wait for Chekov. He appears with 12 wailing redshirts.)

Kirk: Ensign! I told you to bring 13!

Chekov: I did, ser, but halfway here one committed suicide.

Kirk: Oh. Activate transporter beam!

Uhura: Wait! I want to change!

(Since they are a cartoon at the moment, she disappears offscreen for a few seconds, then reappears wearing an identical uniform in black.)

Uhura: I got this from someone on Gamma Hydra 3. I want to impress the other series, leave a GOOD impression, one to be remembered for all time, one to be glorified and relived, one to be--

(Spock nerve-pinches Uhura and they beam down. They appear in a forest with strange animals shooting by in the underbrush. Uhura wakes up in record time.)

Uhura: --revered and looked up to, one to be exemplified, one to be--

(Spock nerve-pinches Uhura. This shuts her up.)

Chekov: Look!

(A group of three kids that look about 9 to 11 years old come down the wide path. Kirk drools as he spots the girl. McCoy turns around and is quietly sick in the bushes. A split second later, and shriek is heard, and out of those same bushes tumble two teenagers who look about 18. Kirk forgets all about the younger kids, who have just now spotted them.)

Teenage Girl: You! You ruined our new rubber-fortified infrared binoculars! You’ll pay for that!

Teenage Male: But Jesse, it didn’t look like he meant to, and I’m too hungry to battle right now!

Jesse: Be quiet, James! The twerps are coming!

Uhura (stepping forward with a dreamy look in her eyes): James is such a wonderful name . . . James . . .

Kirk (muttering): You never thought it was wonderful BEFORE. . .

(Uhura sidles close to James and begins stroking his hair on the pretext of getting all the twigs out of it. He looks decidedly uncomfortable.)

Little Boy #1: Hey! It’s Team Rocket! And who are THEY?

Kirk: Oh. We forgot about you. Buzz off, kids, you’re too young to be any help.

Little Boy #2: What?! I’m the leader of the Pewter City gym!

Little Girl: Too young? I’ll show you! Starmie, go!

(She throws a little red ball, and out pops a small, squat yellow duck.)

Duck: Psy?

Little Girl: I didn’t want you! Psyduck, return!

(She points the ball at it, and it siphons back in.)

Spock: Fascinating. It is quite impossible for an animal of that size to have issued from that sphere. I wonder if I may inspect it. . .?

Little Girl: Sure. You have nice ears. Mind if I sit next to you?

Little Boys: MISTY!

(Several redshirts throw up until they die.)

Misty: Shut up, Ash! You too, Brock, I’m busy!

(Misty gives Spock the pokéball to inspect.)

Spock: Fascinating.

Uhura: So, James, what do you do?

James: I am a member of Team Rocket!

(Cool backlighting and smoke effects appear. Jesse and James vanish into the swirl of smoke, then reappear in a cool pose. James has a rose.)

Jesse: Prepare for trouble!

James: Make it double!

Star Trek People: Coooool. . . . . . . . .

(Uhura swoons.)

Jesse: To protect the world from devastation!

James: To unite all peoples within our nation!

Jesse: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

Kirk: WHAT?! Oh, I’m ruined. . .

James: To extend our reach to the stars above!

Jesse: Jesse!

James: James!

(They strike another, even cooler pose.)

Jesse: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!

James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!

Meowth: Meowth, that’s right!

Kirk: What’s THAT?

Uhura: Oh, how cute! May I keep it, Captain?

Meowth and Kirk: NO!

(Ash throws a pokéball.)

Ash: Bulbasaur, I choose you!

(The ball breaks open and out comes something that looks like a cross between a dinosaur, a plant, and a turtle.)

Jesse: Go, Arbok!

(A giant purple cobra issues from her ball. It hisses.)

Ash: Bulbasaur, vinewhip, now!

(Impossibly long vines streak out and lash Arbok.)

James: Leave it to me! Weezing, go!

(Bulbasaur lashes Weezing similarly.)

James: Weezing!

(Uhura screams, then pulls her phaser and incinerates Bulbasaur.)

Ash: BULBASAUR!

Pokémon People: Woahhh. . . . . . .

(Uhura blows on her phaser point and puts it away, then runs to James.)

Uhura: Oh! Is it hurt?

(James glares at her.)

James: None of your business! That was MY battle!

(He walks to stand close to Jesse. Uhura looks crestfallen.)

Uhura: But I was only trying to help. . .

Jesse: Team Rocket needs no help!

James: We only help ourselves and each other!

(Uhura looks downcast, then her eyes light and she steps momentarily offscreen. When she reappears, there is a large red R on her uniform.)

Uhura: I’m with you then!

Kirk: Oh, no, you don’t! Nobody but you knows how to work the ear thingamajigger, so you can’t leave! Besides, I’m the captain and I say you can’t!

Uhura: Awww. . . . . . (fixes uniform)

(Ash is still staring at the tiny heap of dust in the path. Brock is carefully hiding his pokéballs, and Misty takes the opportunity to snare Spock’s attention.)

Misty: So, do you come from far away?

Spock: Another dimension, to put it simply. It would be quite impossible to explain the exact ramifications of the transdimensional...

(Spock lapses into techno-talk. Misty pouts. _____ Big Anime tears run down Ash’s cheeks.)

Ash: Y-you zapped Bulbasaur!

Brock (comfortingly): Don’t worry, Ash. I’m sure it’ll be fine as soon as you get it to the Pokémon center.

(Ash and Misty look at him as if he’s insane.)

Misty: I think you just want an excuse to see Nurse Joy.

Brock (floating around Uhura): Nurse who? Who needs a nurse with a beautiful woman like you around, Miss?

(Uhura giggles, but continues staring at James. Jesse looks angry.)

Jesse: Enough of this! Hand over that Pikachu, brat!

James: Yeah!

Ash: N-n-no... WAAAH! Bulbasaur, return! (A beam of red light collects the pitiful pile.)

Misty: Oh, you’re no help. Don’t worry, Pikachu, I won’t let them take you!

Pikachu: Pika!

Meowth: Dat’s what you think! Quick, guys!

Jesse & James: Right!

(Jesse and James disappear for a minute and then reappear in huge bulky suits, which they somehow still manage to make look glamorous. They laugh fiendishly and pull out giant bazookas.)

Jesse: Let’s get them, James!

James: All right, Jesse!

Meowth: Fire!

(They start firing random blasts. Uhura leaps around and cheers. Brock floats more strenuously.)

Kirk: Hey! Hey! Can’t we solve this without resorting to violence? And what did she do with that cute miniskirt?

Sulu: Oh, brother. . .

(Spock surveys the situation and nerve-pinches James. Jesse screams.)

Jesse: I’ll make you pay for that!

(Spock somehow manages to look dignified as he dodges bazooka-fire. Meowth tries to wake James up.)

Kirk: This has gone far enough! Freeze, chick, or I incinerate... um... the guy and the cat!

(Jesse stops with a sullen expression. A final bazooka blast kills a redshirt.)

McCoy (rushing to examine James): He’s dead, Jim!

(Jesse’s suit disappears and she gets a huge Anime firepose. She screams and big Anime tears and veins pop out all over her face. The veins disappear as she stands tragically in a spotlight, then reappear as she whirls around and kicks Spock all the way across the clearing.)

Jesse: James!

Kirk: What?

Jesse: Not you! (glares and whomps him on head with mallet)

(Jesse and Meowth kneel by James and cry. Ash and Misty stand around like idiots. Brock attempts to comfort the wailing Uhura. Kirk attempts to comfort Jesse and is hurled across the clearing. James opens his eyes.)

James: Huh? Jesse? Meowth?

Jesse and Meowth: JAMES!

(They hug him really hard and a big pink heart and little floating bubbles appear around the three of them. James gets a big goofy smile.)

Ash: I challenge the newcomers to a match!

(Everyone glares at him except for Misty. His eyes wobble and he pouts.)

_____

Jesse: James! You’re alive!

James: I am? Was I not? I’m confused. . .

Jesse: Oh, just shut up! (hugs him)

Meowth: I should have seen dis coming. . .

(Meowth and Jesse are knocked out of the way by an enthusiastic Uhura.)

Uhura: JAMES!

(Spock nerve-pinches Uhura before Jesse can kill her. Jesse tries for Spock instead.)

Jesse: YOU!

_____

Spock (dodging again): This is most illogical.

Kirk: Please, this is very unladylike-- (Kirk gets kicked)

Meowth: C’mon, Jess, dey ain’t worth it! Let’s get dat Pikachu!

Jesse: You’re right. My dainty fists just can’t take much more punishment, anyway. James! The secret weapon!

James: Right away, Jesse!

_____

(He pulls out a small remote control and pushes the button on it. A huge scary machine comes out of the tree. It most accurately resembles a giant pool table with cannons and red R’s all over it. The Star Trek people dive behind a large boulder, and the Pokémon people follow. The only one who doesn’t is Ash; he remains standing there, plainly trying to look heroic but only managing to look whiny and terrified.)

Jesse and James (who have somehow appeared inside the machine): Fire!

(Two huge rubber balloons issue from the forward cannons, heading for Ash and Pikachu. Ash screams, grabs Pikachu, and shoves it forward to intercept the balloon heading his way. The rubber parts briefly and swallows the mousy thing up, then floats back to the tank through a little door in the side.)

Ash: Pikachu! You’ll never get away with this!

Misty: Oh, brother. . .

Ash: Charmander, I choose you!

(Out of the ball comes a little orange lizard with flames at the end of its tail. It looks pitifully small next to the big scary tank.)

Ash: Charmander, flame-thrower!

(Charmander looks up at the tank, stares, and flees.)

Ash: Charmander! Come back!

Jesse (from inside tank): Anyone else going to try? Hey you people, coming?

(The Star Trek people scramble inside the machine and they rumble away.)

James: Why do we need THEM? (looks at Uhura with distaste)

Jesse: They might be useful, and I want one of those guns.

(Outside they can hear Ash beating on the tank with a stick as he chases them, and Misty berating him for being such a moron. Meowth snickers.)

Meowth: Just listen to dem! Team Twerp really oughta get a life!

(Suddenly, the tank lurches to a stop. Everyone jerks forward.)

James: What’s going on?

_____

(They all yell as the machine turns upside down. Everybody falls over everybody else. When they crawl out of the wreckage, they see Onix.)

Jesse: Another wonderful machine. . . ruined. . .

James: I just had my uniform cleaned!

_____

(Uhura levels her phaser, but is stopped by icy glares from both sides. Instead of shooting Onix, as she plainly wants to do, she blasts a huge crater in the ground. Ash & Company, caught off balance, fall headfirst into it. Onix lands on top of them.)

Jesse and James: Come on, run!

(They race off, after pulling their stuff out of the machine’s wreckage. Ash pursues, having stood on Onix to get out of the pit.)

Jesse: I DEFINITELY want one of those guns!

_____

Meowth: Just keep running!

(Team Rocket runs over a hidden pit they have forgotten about and crash into it. Ash can’t brake in time and falls in on them. Misty, Brock, and the Star Trek people all run to the edge and peer down. They see all four of them with curlicue eyes.)

Chekov: NOW vhat do ve do?

Misty: Ash!

_____

Jesse (getting up and nursing her head): This is all YOUR fault! (whacks everybody else in the pit)

James: But, Jesse. . .

(Jesse whomps him on the head with a mallet.)

Ash: My--my Pokédex is broken! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DEXTER!!!!!

_____

Misty: Oh, no!

Brock: Dexter!

Jesse: Oh, get a life, brat!

Spock: Perhaps if you allowed me to take a look. . .

Kirk: Please, can any of you help us? We just wanna go home!

Jesse: Sounds like Homeward Bound.

Misty: Who ARE you guys, anyway?

(Kirk brightens and straightens up, his crew behind him.)

Kirk: I am Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. This is my crew; Lieutenant Uhura, Commander Spock, Chief Medical Officer McCoy, Lieutenant Sulu, and Ensign Chekov.

Brock: What about them? (points at five remaining redshirts)

Kirk: Insurance.

Brock: Oh.

Kirk (eyes glazing dreamily): Space. . . The final frontier. . . These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. . . Its five-year mission. . . To explore strange new worlds. . . To--

Jesse: Thanks. We get the point.

(Kirk glares at her.)

_____

Kirk: We didn’t cut off YOUR speech!

Jesse: It was obviously infinitely cooler. You didn’t dare.

Kirk: I would have, if I’d know it was going to be that long!

Jesse: I doubt it.

Kirk: I would!

James: You would not!

Kirk: Would too would too WOULD TOO!

(Kirk screams the words in a whiny tone of voice and stands frowning petulantly.)

_____

Brock: Gosh. These guys are just like Jesse and James.

Jesse and Kirk: NOBODY ASKED YOU!

(They both get big fiery fanged faces and Jesse whacks Brock with a mallet. Kirk stuns Brock. Steam rises from Brock’s hair and he collapses.)

_____

Misty: As if mooning over girls wasn’t bad enough. . .

Ash: Dexter broke. . . the only one who doesn’t insult me all the time. . . Dexter!!!

(Tears à la Anime start flowing down his cheeks, and he begins wailing.)

Misty: There could be a REASON everyone insults you!

Ash: Yeah! They’re jealous of me!

(Misty and Brock fall over Anime-style.)

Misty: You IDIOT!

Ash: What did I say?

(Misty starts throwing rocks at him.)

Jesse: Hey! Watch the head!

Misty: That’s exactly what I’m doing! Take that, you hag! (hits Jesse’s face with rock)

Jesse: Oww! My FACE! (pauses) What... did... you... just... call me?!

(Jesse explodes into a giant Anime firepose, fangs sprouting, and shoots Misty with her bazooka. A net pins Misty to the ground.)

Jesse: Rats! Wrong gun!

(She pulls out the correct firearm, but James grabs her elbow.)

James: Jesse, don’t hurt her!

Jesse: Why not? (face grows suspicious and jealous) Is there a reason I don’t know about?

James: THIS IS A CHILDREN’S CARTOON!!

Jesse: Oh, dang! I forgot! (puts away bazooka)

Ash: What do you mean, cartoon?

James: Denial... *sigh*

Meowth: Are you three gonna keep squawkin’ or are we gonna get outta dis pit?!

(Jesse and James immediately pull out grappling hooks and swing skillfully out, Meowth hanging onto James’ boot, and leave Ash stranded in the pit.)

Jesse: Hurry, come on!

(Team Rocket and the Star Trek crew flee, but somehow it only takes Team Twerp a few seconds to get Ash and Misty free and pursue. Team Rocket and the rest pile into the balloon, but it refuses to rise very far.)

Kirk: Quick! Dump out all the stuff you don’t need!

(Everyone drops out miscellaneous items. Sulu pulls some giant chocolate bars out of his pocket, hesitates, and stuffs them in his mouth, dropping the wrappers. The balloon almost makes it, but is still too heavy.)

Sulu: What have YOU got, Captain?

(Everybody looks at Kirk.)

Kirk: Uh. . . heh heh. . . why, nothing!

McCoy and Sulu: Frisk him!

(They grab his arms. His shirt rips, and something falls out.)

Kirk: My Gameboy Color! (watches, agonized, as Sulu throws it gleefully overboard)

_____

(The balloon rises, but suddenly something impacts and they shake.)

Kirk: Whatever it is, fire on it!

(An innocent tree is vaporized. Unfortunately, it was all that was holding the balloon up, and they crash. Everybody spills out onto the ground.)

Jesse (sighing): In the dust again. . .

James: Why can’t we ever win?

(Kirk, still missing his shirt, sees an opportunity.)

Kirk: AAH!

(He topples over into Jesse’s lap, clutching his chest and doing his best to look wounded.)

Kirk: Those little brats! They shot me!

Ash: Hey!

Brock: We did not!

Misty: Besides, look, you don’t even have any wounds.

Kirk: Oh. I guess you’re right. (smiles enchantingly up at Jesse) Hi, there, miss.

Jesse: Get off me, you jerk!

(She tries to push Kirk off, but he is surprisingly heavy.)

Jesse: GET OFF!

James: Hey, get off her!

(Jesse and James combine efforts to push Kirk off of Jesse’s lap. He pouts angrily.)

Kirk: This isn’t fair! I’m SUPPOSED to get the girl!

Jesse: Oh, you’re gonna get SOMETHING! Although I can see where my beauty and charm might have led you astray. . .

(She poses. Ash makes a rude sound. She whacks him over the noggin while still maintaining her pose.)

Kirk: Come on. One little kiss? To please the viewers?

Chekov: Keptin, give it up already.

Jesse: No! Get away from me!

(Kirk, very aware of his ratings, goes for it anyway.)

Spock: Captain. . .

Sulu: Oh, no. . .

Uhura: I can’t look.

Ash: Eew!

Jesse: No! Leave me alone, you pig!

(Before Kirk gets to her, James punches him. Everyone stares, stunned.)

Jesse: James?

Brock: Whoa! I’ve never seen James get mad enough to hit anyone before.

Kirk: Hey! Can’t we solve this as thinking, caring human beings without resorting to violence? (kicks James in chest)

(James flies backwards and lands in Jesse’s lap.)

Meowth: Wow, good aim.

Kirk: That’s not fair! Foul! Foul!

(James opens his eyes, notices that he’s sitting in Jesse’s lap, gets a giant sweatdrop, and jumps up, blushing furiously.)

Meowth: Will you quit clowning around and get dat Pikachu?

James: I thought we HAD Pikachu.

(Pikachu waves at him from Ash’s head. He waves back.)

James: Oh.

Ash: Pikachu! Thundershock, now!

Jesse: Oh, nooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Jesse, James and Meowth (as they shoot into the distance): Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!

(ping)

Ash: Pikachu! Great job! (He hugs Pikachu, which looks like it has mixed feelings about it.)

Misty: All right!

Brock: You sure showed them!

(Kirk’s communicator chirps.)

Kirk (flipping it open): Kirk here.

Scotty (over com): We’ve fixed the helm and are ready to go back. We’ve got to hurry, Captain, the hole won’t stay open long!

Kirk: Right! Beam us up, Scotty.

Ash, Misty and Brock: Bye! (they wave)

(The crew dematerializes in a sparkling transporter beam. They rematerialize in the transporter room and rush to the bridge, which resembles a duct-tape lake with mounds of consoles and lights.)

Kirk: Scotty! What an amazing repair job! How did you do it?

Scotty: Well, I was going to do a lot of scientific welding and stuff, but then I realized I could just the engineer’s secret weapon: Duct tape!

Kirk: O-kay. Let’s go!

(Everyone at their comfortable stations, the Enterprise warps off towards home.)

(Meanwhile. . .)

Ash: Wow. They were sure weird. I wonder what they wanted.

Misty: I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it anymore!

(She grabs Ash and kisses him. He windmills his arms frantically and then melts. Brock looks forlorn until Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny jump out of the bushes and kiss him. Everyone has ended the day happily.)

(Meanwhile. . .)

Jesse: Oh, we lost again. . .

James: Why can’t we ever get a break?

Meowth: Who’da thought the illustrious Team Rocket could keep getting beat by stupid little kids?

(Jesse looks up and smiles at James.)

Jesse: Oh, well. We still have the team. And we still have. . . me!

(Meowth falls over.)

Jesse: And we still have. . . you!

(She kisses James wildly. His eyes widen in panic for a moment, but then he closes his eyes and kisses her back. He puts his arms around her as Meowth pulls the ruined balloon in front of them.)

Meowth (winking): Sorry. Dat’s all, folks!

THE END