···÷•ö¤•[ when this page is done children across the globe will gather chestnuts like a bunch of gluttoned squirells.some day this will be the jokes page...until then rock your jeans with 1 cuff instead of 2...if you got any good ones to add-email them to me and ill put them up...peace ]•¤ö•÷···

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off." The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars." The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog. "You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!" They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!" "You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!" PREPOSITIONS A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach. "So, where y'all from?" he asks. "We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions." "Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch?" ONLY IN IRELAND John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years of Me Life, Spent Between The Legs of Me Wife." When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was and he said, "Here's To The Best Years of me Life, Spent in Church wit me Wife." His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast." The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. "He won first prize"."Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A MAN GOES INTO A BAR.. A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." GUY IN A GAY BAR... A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?". The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!" The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin." A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job one." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'" BUMPER STICKERS A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. All generalizations are false, including this one. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Assassins do it from behind. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Boldly Going Nowhere Born free...Taxed to death. Cat: The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Caution: I drive like you do. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Clinton: A good example of why stupid people shouldn't vote. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Constipated People Don't Give A shit. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That Shit. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Guys: No Shirt, No Service...Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Honk If Anything Falls Off Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. I brake for no apparent reason. I love cops...dead ones. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha I love cats...they taste just like chicken. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying No Hard feelings. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. Keep honking...I'm reloading. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. My child beat up your honors student. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. No radio - Already stolen. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? Practice Safe Sex, Go Fuck Yourself. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. To Me Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Wink, I'll do the rest! Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! Your kid may be an honor student but you're still a FUCKIN IDIOT! You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The african elephant stands on its feet longer than any other living animal.It always sleeps standing up, which means that it is on its feet for almost its entire life, which can be over 50 years. An owl is the only creature capable of turning its head in a complete circle. Piranah fish are the fastest carnivorous eaters in the animal kingdom.Five of the tiny fish could easily chew up a horse and its rider in 7 minutes, leaving a skeleton horse with a skeleton rider. The 'red sponge' is the only animal that can be broken up into thousands of tiny pieces and can then join itself up again and continue living. Beetles outnumber any other living creature on earth.In Britain alone there are 3700 different species. Rats can live without water longer than any other animal, even longer than camels. A flea can jump 200 times its own length, the only animal to do so.It is like a man being able to jump over St Paul's Cathedral. The australian bush turkey often builds its nest with as much as 5 tons of material. The most poiosonous fish in the world is the tropical stonefish. It has poisonous spines covering its body which would kill you even if you just touched them. Fortunately it is found only in the indo-pacific ocean. The giant squid is the largest living animal without a backbone.Also it has the largest eyes, they measure 38 cms across.A full grown squid can be over 16 metres in length. Red squirrels have the unfortunate claim of attracting more fleas than any other animal in the whole world. The starfish is the only sea creature which when cut up into pieces, each piece grows into another whole starfish. The fastest giant tortoise moves at a speed of 0.17 mph, which is over 5 hours to walk one mile......and thats supposed to be the fastest. The rarest dog is the Tahl-Tan dog, at present there are only three of them in the world. An albatross is the only bird that can fly all day long and not flap its wings once. The largest clams in the world are found in Malaya and are large enough to eat a whole man. The fastest running bird is the emu, which can run at speeds of up to 40 miles per hour. The silkworm consumes 86,000 times its own weight in 56 days. The fastest growing animal is the baby of a blue whale which gains 26 tons in weight, in under just 2 years. There are creatures with more than 1 brain, the silkworm moth has 11 brains. The cheetah is the fastest animal on land over a short distance.For upto 600 metres it can run at a speed of 113 km per hour. During an experiment a dragonfly ate forty common house flies in less than 2 hours.Also the dragonfly has the best eye sight than any other insect.....it can see a gnat almost 6 metres away. A fly moves its wings approximately 330 times a second when it flies across a room, thats why it creates that irritating buzzing sound you hear.