@->->-
I'll be the first to admit it -- I'm not exactly the nicest person to be around. In fact, I can be downright mean sometimes! It's not that I'm a bad person...I just have a short temper, that's all. I've had a hard life, and I guess that's made me into a hard person -- anger and aggression are the only ways that I really know how to express myself.
Which is why I'm so lucky to have a friend like James.
He's the sweetest person I know. And that's good, considering everything I've done to him. I mean, I love him more than anything else in the world, but I have a hard time showing it. It's just easier for me to smack him or yell at him than to be gentle or say "I love you." I guess it's because I've been betrayed or abandoned by all of the people that I've ever loved, and I was afraid that if I made myself vulnerable and told James how I felt, he'd leave me, too.
And the thought of losing James scares the living hell out of me! Ever since the day I met him...ever since the moment I looked into those beautiful emerald-green eyes, I knew that I'd found my soul-mate. He's always been my best friend, and deep down I've always been in love with him, too. There's no denying it -- James is the one person in this world that I can't live without! I mean, sure I'm tough, and I'm strong, but I still need him. He completes me!
Still, it was a long time before I was able to admit this to myself. I didn't want to get hurt again, so I acted like he didn't matter to me. But on the day when James chose to be with me rather than return to his former life of privilege and collect his inheritance, I realized that he was the only person I could ever truly love and that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The thought of him leaving me for another woman broke my heart, and the prospect of living without him was more than I could bear! And when he came back for me that evening, when he sacrificed everything he had just so that we could be together...well, that was the moment when I fell completely and hopelessly in love with him!
But I still couldn't tell James how I really felt. Instead, I'd just keep doing mean things to him, and he'd keep shaking it off. And no matter what I did, he always forgave me.
So, I never would have imagined that when I actually did do something unforgivable to James, it would turn out to be the very thing that finally brought the two of us together....
@->->-
It was a beautiful spring day, and it started out perfectly -- one of our pit traps actually worked on somebody! We caught some Samurai and his Marowak, who looked like they were coming from their training in the mountains. When they went to eat the fruit that we'd set as bait, they fell into our cleverly hidden trap. And as the trainer fell, he dropped a small bag. Ignoring his cries for help, James, Meowth, and I picked up the bag and looked to see what was inside.
"Whoa! Gym badges!" Meowth exclaimed.
Gym badges! I said to myself. Oh, it's like a dream come true! Finally! The three of us can go to the Indigo Plateau and compete in the Pokemon League Games!
You see, Pokemon League has always been a dream of ours -- James, Meowth, and I would love to earn badges, but we can't. After all, what gym leader would ever accept a challenge from us? (Sure, our boss is in charge of the Viridian Gym, but Team Rocket is his dark secret. If the Pokemon League officials ever discovered the truth about Giovanni, they'd revoke his gym leader status faster than you could say "Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!") So, finding such a nice set of badges when the annual games were just a few days away was perfect! It looked like luck was finally on our side!
Yoink! Our badges now!
@->->-
After making our getaway, James thought we should have a picnic lunch in order to celebrate. So, while he went back to town to pick up some submarine sandwiches at the deli, Meowth and I locked the badges into a little green box and hid it in a safe place, just in case that trainer or Team Twerp showed up and tried to take them back.
"I can't believe it!" I cried triumphantly. "We've finally got our very own set of gym badges -- the Holy Grail of pokemon training!"
"I can't believe it either! Things are finally startin' ta go right for Team Rocket!" Meowth agreed.
It was then that something strange came over me...it's like I went mad with power.
Now, it pains me to admit this, but I actually have something in common with that little twerp, Ash -- I, too want to become a pokemon master. As a child, I'd watch the Pokemon League Games on TV every spring and fantasize about being there myself one day. I'd be a superstar -- the most beautiful and talented trainer who ever lived! Everybody would want my autograph, little kids would want to grow up to be just like me, and I'd get more offers for product endorsements and starring roles in TV and movies than I'd know what to do with! It would be my chance to finally make something of myself...to show the world that even though I came from the bottom, I could rise to the top!
Still, no matter how hard I work to attain that goal, everything I do has a way of just blowing up in my face. There's nothing more frustrating...more upsetting than a shattered dream.
So, at that moment, as I gazed down at those shining badges and realized how close I was to finally making my dream come true, I became consumed by greed and desire. What does Meowth need badges for? I asked myself. He's a pokemon! Badges don't mean anything to him! And James? He could care less if we compete in Pokemon League -- he's just along for the ride!
It was then that I got a fiendish idea. I didn't need James and Meowth holding me back anymore -- I'd just take the badges for myself!
@->->-
After James returned with lunch, the three of us stuffed ourselves. Then, the warmth of the afternoon sun and the satisfaction of having a full stomach started to make James and Meowth sleepy. But I was still wide awake. (I was about to do something truly despicable, after all...and how can anybody rest when they have a guilty conscience?)
James yawned and stretched himself out beneath a large, shady tree, and Meowth curled up next to him. The cat fell asleep instantly, but James stayed awake for a few more minutes, watching as I paced nervously around the basket of our balloon.
"Hey, Jess! Why don't you relax...come take a nap with us?" he called to me, patting the ground at his side.
I smiled and walked over to him. "No, thanks...I'm not very sleepy. I think maybe I'll go and do a little shopping instead," I replied as I playfully tousled his blue-violet hair.
"Okay. Have fun," James said as he returned my smile and yawned again.
For a moment, I felt bad about wanting to leave him behind -- he looked especially adorable when he was sleepy, and I loved him so much. I was tempted to forget my whole plan and just cuddle up next to him and fall asleep in his arms instead.
But I quickly pushed that thought out of my head as I remembered the badges. I could cuddle with James any time, but the opportunity to compete in Pokemon League was a rare one, indeed, and I had to take it!
I raised an eyebrow and grinned at him. "Oh, I will! Believe me, I will," I told him.
@->->-
Once James had fallen asleep, I shoved the box with the badges into my backpack and slipped away. Then, I started heading up Victory Road towards the Indigo Plateau...and my destiny!
"Ha, ha, ha!" I laughed as I strutted along. "Finally! My time to shine in the spotlight has come!" I could already hear thousands of fans cheering...I could already see the fires of Moltres burning on the Pokemon League torch...and it was all for me! "And no more sharing it with those two stooges! From now on, I'm a solo superstar!"
As my mind dwelled on thoughts of fame and greatness, I broke into a fit of maniacal laughter.
Like I said, I was mad with power.
@->->-
After a couple hours of traveling, I began to get paranoid.
Hmmm...my shopping excuse is only going to last for so long. James and Meowth have probably already realized what I've done! Now they're going to come searching for me...come to steal back my badges! What am I going to do?!
Well, I thought about it for a moment and decided to do what a skilled Team Rocket agent always does in situations such as these -- I decided to put on a disguise!
Shrouding myself in a burqua of shimmering pink silk and affixing a jeweled bindi to my forehead, I made myself look like an Indian princess. (Rather fitting for the trainer of a giant cobra, don't you think?) All of my trademark crimson hair was piled atop my head and tucked into a blue and gold turban, and my entire face, save for my eyes, was obscured by a long, white veil. I was so wrapped-up, it would be impossible for anybody to tell who I really was!
"Heh, heh, heh! Even James and Meowth will never recognize me in this disguise!" I said smugly as I continued on my way.
But when I said their names aloud, something came over me once again....
....I regained my sanity.
Now I realized just what a terrible thing I was doing -- I was abandoning the only two people in the world who cared about me! How could I do such a thing?!
I thought about that set of badges I was carrying, and suddenly, they didn't seem like such a prize anymore. They were just cold, hard lumps of metal -- how could they possibly compare to Meowth and his acerbic wit...or the warm embrace of my beloved James? Now that I was alone, the prospect of fulfilling my lifelong dream didn't seem so appealing anymore. Superstardom would be nothing but an empty experience if James and Meowth weren't there to share it with me!
My heart sank as I thought about the friends I'd left behind. My life was miserable before I met them, and I loved James with all my heart and soul! So, what made me think that I could do this alone? What made me think that I was better off without them?
As I reflected on my actions, I was consumed by a feeling of loneliness (and quite a bit of guilt, too). I was ashamed of myself for what I'd done, and I knew that I had to return to them before it was too late.
Oh, why did I leave you behind, James, Meowth?! What was I thinking?! How could I have been such a damned fool?! I silently cursed myself.
Just as I was about to turn around and go back the way I came, however, I saw another pokemon trainer nearby. He was sitting by the side of the road, admiring his badges. And as I watched him, I suddenly got a wonderful idea -- I'd steal those badges, too! Then, when I found James and Meowth again, I could give them their very own set. That way, I could make up for the terrible mistake I'd just made, and we could still go to Pokemon League. Together. As it should be.
I walked up to the boy and waved. "Greetings, fellow trainer!"
He'd just earned his badges, so when he saw me, he couldn't resist the temptation to show them off and brag about them. "Take a look at these!" he exclaimed, opening the box and holding it out to me.
"Oh, my!" I said. "Most impressive!" And to myself, I added, Wow! Won't James be surprised when I bring these badges to him?! He's going to love this!
As a good-will gesture, I brought my own badges from beneath the folds of my burqua. "Here! Take a look at mine!" I said, opening the box and showing them off, just like he'd done.
"Wow! You must've worked hard for those!" he remarked.
I chuckled. "Not as hard as you think!"
The trainer grinned at me. Now that I'd gained his trust, taking his badges would be a simple matter. I felt proud of myself for coming up with such a great plan -- one can never have too many badges, after all!
After a couple more minutes of banter, I diverted his attention with the classic "What-in-the-world-could-that-be???!!!" technique.
The idiot fell for it and turned around shouting, "What?! Where?!"
But as I reached for his badges, something dropped from the sky and rolled between my feet. I looked down and saw a black flash-bomb with a red "R" painted on it.
This could mean only one thing -- James and Meowth had found me!
I was too late!
I tried to run for cover, but before I could, the bomb detonated. "W-what's going on?!" I coughed as the trainer and I were blinded by a white cloud of smoke.
I was answered by an all-too-familiar voice saying, "Prepare for trouble!"
"P-p-prepare...for...trouble?" I stammered. I couldn't believe they'd found me! (My disguise was fool-proof!) And what's more, I couldn't believe that James was saying MY line!
"Yes! And make it double!" he said smugly, emerging from the smoke.
That was it. I couldn't hide from them any longer -- I had to say it!
You see, the motto is something very important to me and James. It's not just a way for us to make a grand entrance -- it's a symbol of our friendship! Every line...every word, is proof of our devotion to each other! Once our motto had been started, I was compelled to continue....
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!" James continued, coming to my side.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jessie!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!" I cried as I threw off the harem veils and revealed myself in all of my true glory.
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!" our feline friend said as he picked up the badges I'd dropped and struck a dramatic pose with me and James.
Wow! That felt good! Except for the little mix-up with the first lines, it had been a flawless delivery of the Team Rocket motto! But as good as saying the motto felt, it was even better to have James and Meowth by my side once more. Even though I'd only been away for a couple of hours, I was so lonely without them. I found myself wondering what I would've done if I really had left for good.
But now that we were a team again, there was no more need to worry -- everything was going to be okay.
The trainer sweatdropped as he looked at the three of us. Then, he raced away at full-tilt, screaming, "YAAAAAHHHHH!!! HELP!!! IT'S TEAM ROCKET!!!"
Suddenly, my euphoria faded. I'd been trying to steal that guy's badges so I could set things right with James and Meowth, but now my cover had been blown, and I couldn't do that! Mere words wouldn't be enough to express how sorry I was for leaving them! So what was I going to do now?
"Awwww! Why did you guys have to show up and ruin everything?! Now he got away," I groaned. "My moment in the spotlight is over already!"
(Well, no wonder mere words weren't going to be enough -- talk about tactless! How could I have said such an awful thing to them?! Why couldn't I have just said "I'm sorry" like a normal person?!)
"Hmmmph! You can steal from stupid kids like him, but ya CAN'T steal from us!" Meowth snapped before I could take back my insensitive remark and apologize.
I looked at Meowth and James. They looked mad. Really mad.
I swear, in all the years I've known James, I'd never seen him as angry as he was at that moment. I really wanted to explain my plan to steal the second set of badges for him as if it were what I was going to do all along, but I couldn't lie. Not this time. He cast a venomous glare at me, and his emerald-green eyes pierced right into my soul -- he knew the truth!
"You have disgraced the disgraceful Team Rocket!!!" he shouted, pointing at me with an accusing finger.
Now, there's not a sweeter, or more gentle person in existence than James. It takes a lot to make him mad...and I mean a lot! As insensitive as I can be to him sometimes, he's never once lost his temper with me -- I could count on one hand the number of times he's even raised his voice to me! He's just not the kind of guy who gets angry.
But he was angry now.
When I first saw that James had returned to me, I wanted to throw my arms around him...to kiss him and tell him how sorry I was, that I never meant to hurt him...and that I love him. But I couldn't do that now. The expression on his face...the tone of his voice...they frightened me!
Those words hit me like a slap across the face...and in the back of my mind, on some subconscious level, I was afraid his hands would follow suit. At that moment, he really did look like he wanted to slap me, and I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. If anything, I deserved it!
And now that I realized just how deeply my abandonment had hurt them, I was devastated! All of the guilt and shame I felt for what I'd done finally overpowered me, and I fell to my knees and began to cry.
But James said nothing. He just stood over me, giving me the Look-of-Death.
"Come on," Meowth said softly, patting me on the shoulder. "We can always steal more badges, but we can be more rotten as a team den we can as individuals."
I looked up at them in disbelief. They still wanted me on the team!
I smiled and got to my feet. It was time to prove that I hadn't meant to hurt them just now...that I still wanted to be with them. "Fine. Just as long as I get to be the most rotten!" I laughed. (Hey, I hardly ever cry in front of other people! I had to save face!)
James and Meowth fell over, anime style.
But before I could tell them that I was just kidding, the Ketchum twerp and his pesky companions showed up, and that Marowak trainer was with them. Obviously, they'd come to take back the badges, but I wasn't about to let those brats have them! I had to redeem myself in the eyes of my teammates...my friends. So, I challenged the Samurai to a winner-take-all battle, and he accepted.
"Go, Arbok!" I shouted, throwing my poke ball.
The challenger hesitated for a moment. For some weird reason, his Marowak wasn't with him, and he looked as if he were at a loss. "....Then I shall use Doduo!" he said, releasing a two-headed bird.
This was going to be too easy!
Arbok charged in and slammed the Doduo with her tail a few times. Before long, the bird became confused, and its two heads started fighting with each other.
I laughed maniacally. This battle was as good as won! "Arbok! Bind it now!" I commanded.
Arbok wound herself around the helpless bird and began to squeeze. It was all over for Doduo.
My lips curved into a smile as I proudly watched my Arbok in action. I know a lot of people think she and Weezing are losers, but they're not! James and I couldn't ask for two pokemon more loving or loyal than them! Besides, it's not their fault the brat's Pikachu is so freakishly powerful! Yes, with a couple of pokemon like Arbok and Weezing at our command (not to mention a little help from Meowth, Lickitung, and Victreebel), James and I were sure to do well in the Pokemon League!
"Doduo! No!" the Samurai cried.
I laughed again as I took out an empty poke ball and lobbed it at Doduo, who was still trying to escape from Arbok's coils. "Might as well capture this one, too!" I said. (Well, I DID say it was a winner-take-all battle, didn't I? If I couldn't get more badges for James, I could at least score a new pokemon for Team Rocket!)
But as the poke ball arced through the air towards Doduo, it was intercepted by a Bonemerang attack -- that guy's Marowak had returned!
Fine. Arbok and I would just have to take that one out as well.
"Arbok! Double-Edge attack!" I shouted.
But as Arbok went to strike, the Marowak hit her with his bone club and knocked her out.
Damn it all! I cursed. Forgot ground-types are strong against poison!
But before I could send Lickitung to finish the job, James stepped in front of me and threw his own poke ball. "I'll handle this! Weezing! Smog attack!" he said.
Weezing soared into the air and prepared to create a smokescreen. I guess it was time to make our escape. After all, if we never really lost the battle, we didn't really have to give back the badges, now, did we?
"Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" I suddenly heard Ash shout.
Oh, no. Not again.
I then heard the cry of, "Piiiiii-kaaaaaa-chuuuuuuu!" as poor Arbok and Weezing were hit with the inevitable 10,000 volts and defeated.
But even if Ash did resort to cheating (like he always does with that cheap Thunderbolt move), Weezing had distracted the little pests long enough for us to run for it. In a matter of seconds, we were all in the Meowth balloon, taking to the sky.
Then we got the bone. Literally.
The stupid Samurai got his Marowak to use another Bonemerang on us. The bone club soared into the air and blew a hole in our balloon, causing it to explode. Then, the explosion caused us to drop the badges....
....And Team Rocket went blasting off again.
"No! My chance at stardom...stolen from me!" I cried as we were blown sky-high by the force of the explosion.
What the hell was THAT remark all about?! Why couldn't I seem to keep my foot out of my mouth today?! I'd already hurt James and Meowth's feelings once, and Team Twerp had ruined everything when I tried to make it up to them! Now, they had no idea how much I regretted my actions! They probably thought I was still being a selfish bitch! I could've said anything at that moment, so why did I have to pick the stupidest, most insensitive remark of all?! Why did I have to say the exact opposite of what I meant?!
But once again, before I could take back my words and apologize, James growled, "Please don't mention stealing again!" He was still giving me that Look-of-Death.
Then, Meowth made some sort of snide comment (as usual), but I wasn't listening to him -- James's words were all I could hear echoing in my mind.
He was still angry with me...and for the first time in my life, I found myself wondering if I'd finally done something that he'd never be able to forgive me for.
@->->-
The sun was beginning to set when we finally landed several miles away. James and Meowth fell into a tangle of shrubs, but I wasn't so lucky -- I hit a hard patch of earth, and during the impact, all of my weight went onto one foot. A burning pain shot up my leg, and I crumpled to the ground.
As I wriggled my aching body and tried to stand again, Meowth walked over and Fury Swiped me across the face.
"OUCH!!! What the hell was that for?!" I wailed. (Like I didn't know.)
"For turnin' on yer own teammates!" came his reply.
"But...but...." I began, trying to explain myself.
"No!" he interjected. "You betrayed us, Jessie. We trusted ya, and dis is what ya do?! Ya done a lotta bad stuff to us before, but DIS is too much! Dis...is unforgivable!"
"Excuse me, but YOU'RE the one who said that we're better off as a team! So, either you were lying to me then, or you're just talking trash now! Which is it?!" I demanded.
"I was lyin' earlier," he said matter-of-factly. "I just said all dat teamwork crap cuz we wanted the badges. If ya think yer better off without us, den go ahead and leave! Don't let us stooges hold ya back!"
"Meowth, please...."
"Go on! Get lost, Miss Superstar!" he snapped, cutting me off again. "You can go to hell for all we care!"
I looked over at James, who was busy gathering his belongings. His back was turned to us. I could sense that he was still angry, and I couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same way that Meowth did...if he wanted me to leave, too.
As I slowly stood up, another pain shot through my foot. It wasn't broken, but I'd sprained it badly -- walking on it was going to be a chore. Still, I had to know how James really felt...I just had to. So, doing my best to ignore the pain, I limped over to him.
"James, is this true?" I asked nervously.
"Come on, Meowth. Let's get going," he said coldly, not even looking at me. "It's almost dark, and we've got a long walk ahead of us."
With that, he shouldered his backpack and began heading up the road. Meowth snorted at me and followed him.
I couldn't believe what I'd just heard! James was acting like I didn't even exist!
Unable to bear the weight on my aching foot any longer, I fell to my knees, and for several minutes, I watched them as they walked away, leaving me behind. Once again, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of emptiness, and I realized that this was how they must've felt when I'd run away earlier! Now I felt worse than ever, and I knew that I had to apologize for what I'd done...even if they did want me off the team.
Gritting my teeth, I got up once more and quickly gathered the scattered contents of my backpack. Then, biting back the pain, I limped after them as fast as I could. When I finally caught up to James, he still wasn't looking at me.
"James, I...."
But as soon as I opened my mouth, he began to walk faster, leaving me behind again.
As we continued on our way, I tried several more times to apologize to James, but each time he ignored me. When I persisted, Meowth told me to leave him alone, and he Fury Swiped me to emphasize the point. I wasn't about to let the cat stop me, though. I needed to let James know that I hadn't meant to hurt him!
But when James continued to give me the silent treatment and Meowth scratched me a few more times, I decided to take the hint -- they didn't want to talk to me. Too tired and too sore to argue about it any longer, I just kept my mouth shut and quietly limped after them.
They certainly weren't making this easy, but I guess I deserved it.
@->->-
When we made camp a couple of hours later, I decided to try and apologize again -- James had to know how sorry I was...that I truly regretted running away! He was busy digging some cans of food out of his backpack at the moment, so I knew that he wasn't going anywhere. It was a golden opportunity.
"James...."
"If you're still here, then why don't you make yourself useful, and get us some firewood?" he sneered, still not looking at me.
The harshness of his words shocked me! If you're still here -- he could've cared less whether I'd left or not! Why don't you make yourself useful -- he probably wished that I hadn't come back...I was nothing but a nuisance! I'd never heard such anger or hatred in his voice before, and I was at a loss for words. All I could do was stand there, dumbfounded.
"You want to eat, don't you? Then go and get some firewood!" he snapped.
It was then that he finally looked at me. There was a cold, angry light in his eyes, but there was something else, too. Sorrow.
My heart sank when I saw the expression on his face. I knew that I'd done a terrible thing to James, but when I looked into those sad, green eyes, I realized just how profoundly my abandonment had affected him. I hadn't just betayed him -- I'd broken his heart! I couldn't blame him for hating me...because now I hated myself, too!
"Okay," I whispered, turning away from him and trying to choke back the tears I felt coming.
@->->-
Once I was alone in the forest, I couldn't hold my tears back any longer, and I began to cry.
"Why do I always hurt you, James? Why can't I tell you how much I love you?" I sobbed.
But I knew why. I knew all too well.
It was because I was afraid to tell him. How could I open my heart to him when everybody I love either leaves me or dies? I didn't want to lose James -- that was the last thing I wanted! But I knew that I could never really have him either. If I ever told him how I felt, he'd leave me, too...just like everything else that I loved!
My foot was throbbing with pain. All of the walking -- all of the running -- I'd done to keep up with James and Meowth couldn't have been good for it, and now I felt my foot straining against my leather boot as the soreness pulsated through it. After a little struggling, I managed to pull off my boots, and I saw that the right ankle was swollen and purple. I found myself wondering how I'd even been able to stand on it!
But the ache in my foot was nothing compared to the ache in my heart.
As I began to rub my swollen ankle, I found my mind drifting to thoughts of my mother. She was the first person (and for the longest time, the only person) who cared about me -- who loved me -- unconditionally. And she was also the first to leave. She was killed in an avalanche when I was a little girl, and I've always blamed myself for that. The only reason she went away was because she needed the money. Money for me to wear decent clothes...money for me to eat real food...money for me to go to school. If she didn't care about me, she never would've accepted that fateful mission, and she'd probably still be alive. She died because she loved me.
Then, I thought about my ex-boyfriends. There were a couple of guys I dated while I was in the bike gang, and I thought they loved me at first, but they were only after one thing. (I never gave in to them, though -- I was still a virgin, saving myself for the right man...and the right time.) As soon as they realized that they weren't going to get me in bed, no matter how hard they tried, they left me. I know it wasn't real love, but it still hurt to be rejected. There was always somebody easier, who would give them what they wanted after a couple of dates...always somebody prettier...always somebody better than me.
And after the boys from the bike gang, there was Antonio. I dated him for a few months when I first joined Team Rocket. I thought he loved me, too, but that illusion didn't last long at all. He was able to cut me off from James for awhile, and once I was alone with him, I discovered what he really was. You see, Antonio used to hit me...and I don't mean the whacks or "love taps" I give to James, either. No, he used to beat me up...beat me until I bled...leave me with bruises that lasted for days afterwards. And why did a tough girl like me put up with that, you ask? It was because I was trapped. Antonio always told me that he was the only person who'd ever be able to put up with me...that he was the only person who could ever love somebody like me. And he said it so often that I believed him. He always told me that I was a bitch, and that whenever he hit me, it was because I deserved it...because I'd made him angry (and he was always angry). And when the day finally came that I couldn't take it any longer and decided to fight back, he left me, too. But before he did, he said that nobody would ever be able to love me because I'm so mean and nasty and evil...he said that I'd be alone forever.
And now as I sat alone in the woods, I couldn't help but wonder if Antonio was right about me. I thought about all of the mean things that I'd done to James -- how I'd always hit him and yell at him...and how selfish and cruel I'd been to him today. Maybe I really was too mean and nasty and evil for anybody to love. Maybe I really did deserve all of those beatings Antonio had given me.
A tear rolled down my face as I thought about James. He was the only person in this world that I could truly call a friend, and he was nothing like the other boys I'd dated -- there was a gentleness and sincerity about him that all the others lacked. I knew that no matter how cruel I could be, or no matter how angry I made him, he'd never become violent like Antonio had. James would rather die than raise a hand to me. And I knew that if he ever could bring himself to love me, he'd be interested in more than just sex. The two of us already connected on so many other levels -- making love would just be another way to express our love for each other. Yes, if I gave my body to James, it would be so much more than a physical bond -- it would be a giving of the heart, the soul, and the mind...for both me and him. It would be something truly beautiful.
But I knew that it would never happen. If I told James that I loved him, he'd never feel the same way about me. I looked too much like Jessiebelle, and if he ever tried to see me as more than just a friend, he'd probably start thinking about her again and get scared away. Being close to him was all I cared about, so I just kept pretending that everything was platonic, not wanting to jeopardize the wonderful friendship the two of us had.
Not that it mattered anymore -- today, my selfish actions destroyed not only any chance the two of us had at love, but our friendship as well. No matter what I said...what I did, he would never love me now. I had betrayed him, and he would never trust me again.
I lost him, and I never even had him.
"I love you, James," I whispered into the darkness as I began to cry again. "I just wish I could've told you when I had the chance...."
@->->-
Once I was able to stop crying, I got to my feet again and began to search for some firewood. There wasn't much I could do, what with my foot hurting so badly, so I just hobbled about and gathered a few fallen branches and twigs.
As I limped back to camp, I found myself thinking about what James had said again. Why don't you make yourself useful, and get us some firewood? I looked at the pathetic armload of sticks I'd managed to gather and sighed. At that moment, I really did feel useless.
What good am I, anyway? I wondered as more tears welled up in my eyes. I can't cook like James, I can't translate pokemon language like Meowth, and it's been a long time since I've won any battles for the team. Hell! I can't even manage to collect enough firewood for us to have a decent campsite for the night! What do I ever do except hurt them? Maybe James and Meowth really would be better off without me....
But I wasn't better off without them.
Today I'd proven to myself that I needed them. Even the prospect of fulfilling one of my lifelong dreams seemed unimportant in comparison to their friendship. Running away made me realize that they were what my pokemon journey -- my life's journey -- was all about! It wasn't how many pokemon I could capture or how many badges I could get -- it was the friends I made while I worked to achieve those goals. Being close to James and Meowth, sharing the everyday moments with them was all that really mattered! Even if we never did earn any badges or capture any other pokemon, I would still be perfectly happy to sit on a front porch with James on a balmy summer night, telling stories of our wild and crazy youth to our children. The thought of that was much more appealing than living alone in a gigantic mansion with nothing but a set of badges and 150 pokemon, most of which would probably never even be used, to keep me company.
Now I knew that I was willing to do whatever it took to make things right with James and Meowth once more. They were the most important things in the world to me, and I'd be damned if I let my foolish pride ever make me lose sight of that again.
@->->-
When I finally made it back to camp, I found James and Meowth sitting together. They both had forlorn expressions on their faces, as if they were mired in troubled thoughts. Before I could say anything to them, however, Meowth frowned at me, and James turned away.
It broke my heart to see that they were still giving me the cold-shoulder, but I didn't complain. I was willing to take their punishment, and it was the least I deserved.
But I still needed to speak with them, and I couldn't do that while they were acting like I didn't exist.
James made dinner without saying a word, and an uncomfortable silence fell over the camp as the three of us ate. All the while, I wracked my brain, trying to think of something to say to them. I needed to apologize and explain myself, but I had to really think about how I was going to go about it. After all of the stupid things I'd blurted out earlier, I didn't want to risk hurting their feelings again.
But I still couldn't find the words to express how deeply I regretted my actions. And James and Meowth still refused to look at me...to be anywhere near me. No matter what I said to them, I just had the feeling it would be wrong.
And so the silence remained unbroken.
"It's been a long day. I'm going to bed," James announced once we were done eating.
"I think I will, too," Meowth said as he unrolled his yellow sleeping-bag next to James's blue one.
Well, I wanted to put this rotten day behind me as soon as possible, so I decided to go to bed, too. Maybe sleep would help me think of the right thing to say...maybe it would help all three of us. But when I unrolled my red sleeping-bag on the other side of James, he and Meowth exchanged looks, as if they were arguing about something. Then, they quickly grabbed their sleeping-bags and stomped away.
I watched sadly as they relocated themselves on the other side of camp...as far away from me as possible. Their backs were turned to me all the while.
"Good night," I said lamely.
"Hmmmmmph!" they grumbled.
Their response hurt me more than they could imagine! The three of us always sleep together! Whether we're camping out, in a cabin, or spending the night at a nice hotel, we always curl up together and keep each other safe and warm in our sleep. They really did want to get rid of me if I couldn't even sleep near them anymore...I really had destroyed our friendship!
"James...I just wanted to say I'm sorry...." I whispered as I laid down and started to cry again.
@->->-
I don't know how long it was before I finally cried myself to sleep, but it seemed like an eternity. And when sleep finally did claim me, it wasn't a restful one -- my guilty conscience saw to that. All night long, I was plagued by nightmares of James and Meowth leaving me behind. They hated me now...that much I knew. I was sure that when I woke up in the morning, they'd be gone, and I'd never see them again.
Once again, I had lost the only people in the world that I care about.
I awoke before dawn, and just as I'd feared, I was completely alone. James and Meowth hadn't fallen asleep -- they just waited until I was asleep so that they could run away! Despair consumed me, and I knew that I had to find them. I wandered through the darkness, searching for James and calling his name over and over again. I begged him to come back to me, begged him not to leave me, but he was nowhere to be found.
Then, from somewhere in the dark, I suddenly heard his voice, answering me....
"Jessie...Jess, wake up."
Slowly, I opened my eyes and felt the soft, velvety petals of a red rose brushing against my cheek. Looking up, I saw James kneeling next to my sleeping-bag.
"Good morning, Jess," he said softly.
Was this another dream?! I rubbed my eyes, which were still blurry from all of my crying, and looked at him again.
"James?"
He smiled tenderly and took me by the hands. "Come here, Jess. I've got a surprise for you," he said.
When he touched me, I realized that this was no dream! But why wasn't James upset anymore? Why was he being so nice to me? He couldn't have forgiven me already -- it had to be some kind of trick!
"James, what are you doing?" I asked.
"Shhh," he said, handing me the rose and pulling me to my feet. "Just come with me."
His warm, soft hands closed firmly over mine, and he led me towards the campfire. Suddenly, I smelled the heavenly aroma of my favorite breakfast food....
James turned around and gazed into my eyes. Then, he lovingly squeezed my hands and gave me a gentle smile. "I made you some French toast, but we're out of maple syrup, so...."
As he apologized for ruining breakfast by not having any maple syrup, I gazed back into his green eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. He wasn't toying with me! He really was doing something nice! It was like nothing bad had even happened yesterday -- James had forgiven me once again!
But I didn't deserve to be forgiven.
What I'd done was inexcusable, and I'd never even apologized! Now, he was giving me a rose and making French toast for breakfast like everything was okay?! I know he was only trying to cheer me up, but it made me feel even more guilty. I began to cry as I thought about what a sweetheart James was and how I could bring myself to hurt him the way I had.
"Jessie, it's only maple syrup!" James said innocently when he saw my response. "French toast is still good without it!"
Well, this only made me cry even more. And when James tried to comfort me with a loving embrace, I panicked. Quickly, I pulled free of his grasp and fled.
James called after me, told me to wait, but I couldn't face him like that -- I was too ashamed.
@->->-
I ran through the forest as fast as I could. When the pain in my ankle became unbearable and I couldn't run any further, I fell to the ground and continued to sob uncontrollably.
"This isn't about maple syrup, is it?" James said when he caught up to me a few minutes later.
I was too choked-up to answer him, so I just shook my head.
"Jess, what's wrong?!" he asked in a concerned voice as he knealt by my side and put his arms around me.
"What do you mean, what's wrong?!" I whimpered once I was able to control my sobbing. "James, I feel awful about what I did yesterday!"
I continued to cry, and after a moment, he silenced me by gently placing a hand to my lips. "That was yesterday," he said softly. "It's over now. It's not an issue anymore."
"How can you say that?!" I asked. "I deserted you...I threw away everything we've done together...everything we've shared. Meowth was right -- what I did was unforgivable. I know you probably hate me for that...."
"No, Jessie, no," he said soothingly as he began to rock me back and forth. "Jessie, I don't hate you. I was mad at you, yes. But I could never hate you!"
I put my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder. The sleeve of his black tee-shirt was getting soaked by my tears, but he didn't seem to mind. James just held me closer, and I sank deeper into his embrace as I cried. After all the estrangement of yesterday, I really needed to be close to him.
James began to stroke my hair and whisper something into my ear. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but it comforted me nonetheless. Just knowing that he was there was enough.
There was a chill in the early morning air, and since I was only half-dressed, it was making me cold. I guess James could sense this, because he pulled me into his lap and pressed his body against mine. Then, he began to rub his hands along my bare shoulders and arms, and he even ran his fingers down my back and across my stomach. His heat and his gentle friction soon warmed me, and the way he was caressing my body felt wonderful. I didn't want him to stop!
"You're...you're just such a sweet person," I said at length. "You're a sweet, wonderful man, and nobody should ever hurt you...but that's all I ever seem to do! I'm so terrible to you, James...." But I'd been crying for so long that the words became stuck in my throat, and my voice trailed off.
James put a hand under my chin and forced me to look up at him. I was still crying, but he gently brushed my tears away and smiled. "Jess, we've been together for almost half our lives now," he told me. "And believe me, I've seen you at your worst. You have your moments, but you know what? I still think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
I smiled at him, and he began to run his fingers through my hair again. "You mean that?" I asked.
"Yes," he told me. "Jessica, you're the best thing in my life! You stand by me when nobody else will, you have faith in me when everybody else thinks I'm an idiot...and you've made sacrifices for me and saved my life more times than I can count! I couldn't ask for a better friend than you."
I put my arms around him again. "And I couldn't ask for a better friend than you, James," I whispered into his ear.
He smiled at me, but there was still a look of concern in his eyes. "About what Meowth said yesterday...I hope you didn't take it to heart," he continued. "I know he told you we were only trying to take back the badges, but that's not true. Well, maybe he wanted the badges, but I didn't give a damn about them -- I just wanted you! Jessie, I was so miserable without you, and the thought that you didn't want to be with me anymore...it broke my heart! I know I didn't act like it yesterday, but I really was happy when you came back."
"That's precisely why I have to say it, James," I told him. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you yesterday."
"Jessie, it's no big deal!" he said. "It's like...it's like making a batch of French toast and discovering that you've run out of maple syrup -- it seems like a disaster when it happens, but when you think about it and stop to take a look at the big picture, you realize that it's not so important after all. When things like that happen, you just have to get over them and move on."
That's my James! Of course he'd come up with a food metaphor, but he did make a good point.
He then pulled me into another embrace. "Besides, you're not the only one who makes mistakes, Jess," he added. "Remember when I stole your paycheck and blew it on that stupid Magikarp? Or how about the time we were fighting that camera kid, and I forgot to throw the blaster-ball at him, huh? That thing blew up right in our faces! And what about the Viridian Gym a couple of months ago? God, Jessie, it was all my fault you got electrocuted and lost that battle! But you still forgave me! Every time I screw things up...every time I do things wrong, you always forgive me. So, how could I do any less for you?"
I started crying again as I reflected on those words. But this time, they were tears of joy.
"Jessie, whenever we screw up, it's like running out of maple syrup," he continued. "Sometimes we do things that we regret, but it's not the end of the world...just a part of being human, that's all."
I smiled at James and hugged him as tightly as I could. He was right -- true friendship...true love is seeing your partner at their worst and still caring about them! True love is about working through adversity and emerging closer to each other than ever before! That seems to be the story of me and James -- for all of our arguing and fighting, we've always managed to remain the best of friends. And if the horrible thing that I had done yesterday was nothing more than a minor setback to him, then maybe we could be something more than friends...maybe I really could tell him how much I loved him!
That's when I noticed how he was looking at me. It was the same look as when we were reunited after escaping from his parents and Jessiebelle -- that gentle, adoring smile I love so much. His beautiful emerald eyes were staring into my soul again...and again, he knew the truth. Now I was sure that I could do it! The last time I almost lost James, I was forced to admit how I felt about him to myself...now, it was time to tell HIM how I felt.
"James...."
He placed his hand to my lips again and shushed me. "You don't have to say a word. I know. You were miserable without me, too. That's why you were trying to steal those other badges. You really did want us to be together!"
It wasn't what I'd planned on saying, but still, I couldn't help but smile. "Can't hide anything from you, can I?"
"Nope!" came his reply. "How do you think I found you so easily? You're a part of me, Jess. No disguise you wear can hide that! You and I...we're like two halves of the same soul -- each needing the other to be complete."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! James felt the same way that I did! He knew that we were soul-mates, too! He knew just as well as I that we belonged together!
I reached up and gave his handsome face a gentle caress. "James, you're a lovely person, on the inside and the outside," I began as I twirled that loose wisp of his blue-violet hair around my finger. "I...."
But before I could say anything more, he cut me off. "I love you, Jessie," he whispered.
Oh, my God! He actually said it! The words that I had waited forever for him to say! And now, I'd finally get to say those same words to him!
"I love you, too, James!" I whispered back, fresh tears of joy streaming down my face. "I love you so much!"
"Jess, I fell in love with you on the day we met," he told me. "The moment I saw you, I knew we were meant to be! And ever since that day, you've been the only girl I've ever loved...my beautiful rose."
Again, I couldn't believe what I was hearing! You see, a few days after James gave up his inheritance in order to be with me, I wrote a letter to him. A letter that told him how much he meant to me...how deeply I loved him. But even though I poured my heart out to James in that letter, I never dared to give it to him. I just kept it folded in the pages in my personal journal, waiting for the day I'd finally have the courage to let him know how I felt. But I guess there wasn't any need to be afraid -- James's words sounded exactly like my letter! It's almost as if he knew...and felt the same way about me!
"Oh, James...." I whispered. But before I could say anything more, my voice trailed off and gave way to more tears.
Then, James did something else that I'd been waiting forever for him to do -- he took me in his arms again and pressed his lips against mine. I'd kissed James before, but it was always just a friendly peck on the cheek or the forehead, and once on the lips when we were under the mistletoe at a Christmas party. Never before had I been kissed like this -- this time, it was a kiss of true love! After a moment of initial surprise, I welcomed his lips, parting my own and returning his kiss. And as James and I melted with passion in each other's arms, all of our troubles melted away like a syrup-soaked piece of French toast in my mouth.
@->->-
After our kiss, we just laid together in each other's arms, watching as the sun rose and painted the sky in the most glorious hues of pink and purple. In the distance, we could see the hazy silhouette of the Indigo Plateau.
"Too bad we lost those badges," I said. "I really did want for us to compete in the Pokemon League...." (At this point I knew that he really had forgiven me and that I could mention it without hurting his feelings.)
James pushed my hair aside and kissed me tenderly on the neck. His lips felt as soft and velvety on my flesh as the petals of his rose, and I sighed contentedly.
"We will, Jess. I promise," he whispered into my ear, his warm, sweet breath tickling my skin. "We'll find a way."
I couldn't help but smile at him again. "You're right, James," I replied, running my fingers through his silky hair. "We can do anything...as long as we do it together!"
Once again, we gazed into each other's eyes and shared an embrace that brought us almost as close as two people could possibly get. Then, our lips were locked in another passionate kiss.
There was just something so perfect and so right about that moment. I'd always dreamed of James being in love with me, and now that he was...now that I knew he'd always been in love with me, I was overwhelmed with joy! As we laid together, kissing and cuddling, I could scarcely believe it was real! But it was real...and it was better than anything I'd ever dared to dream before!
@->->-
I never wanted that moment to end, but I knew that it had to eventually. We couldn't cuddle forever, after all -- we still had to work things out with Meowth.
"Come on, Jess. Time to face the day," James sighed once we were finally able break from our embrace.
I smiled at him as he took my hand and helped me up. But once I got to my feet, I felt a white-hot pain shoot through my ankle and up my leg. Running away from James earlier had only aggravated the sprain, but at the time, I was so upset, that I didn't even notice! And when James was holding me, telling me that he loved me, and kissing me, I'd forgotten all about the pain!
But I felt it now...and it was back with a vengeance.
"What's the matter?" James asked when he saw the wince on my face.
"It...it's nothing," I replied.
I didn't want James to know how much my ankle hurt. After all of the trouble I'd caused, I didn't want to complain to him about it. Besides, I'd already been a sobbing wreck in front of him, and I was still a little embarrassed about that. Now it was time to be strong again and deal with the pain.
But James knew anyway because without saying a word, he swept me off of my feet and lifted me into his arms.
"James, what are you...."
"You're not walking on that ankle," he told me. "I'm carrying you back."
"But...."
"Not another word," he whispered, cutting me off.
I wanted to protest...insist that I was perfectly capable of walking on my own, but I knew that he was right. Besides, the way the light was sparkling in his eyes as he gazed lovingly at me made it impossible to say no. He was so adorable, and he really wanted to carry me! How could I resist?
We gazed adoringly at each other for several minutes as James brought me back to camp, but suddenly, I started thinking about Meowth. He'd been just as angry with me as James had, if not, more, and he didn't know anything about James forgiving me. I was worried that he still hated me...that he still didn't want me on the team. Once he sensed my apprehension, James became worried, too.
"James," I said nervously, "what if Meowth is still mad at me?"
"Don't worry about him," he replied. "It wasn't really you he was mad at -- he was just angry because he got to thinking about Meowsie again. He's still upset about how she betrayed him, and I guess he was taking it out on you."
I frowned when I heard this. I hadn't thought about that before. Meowth loved Meowsie with all his heart and soul, and he'd risked his life for her. But she was so cruel and self-centered that his courageous acts didn't mean anything to her -- she had no trouble betraying him and breaking his heart. And I'd been just as bad with James. Yesterday, my selfish desires had broken James's heart. I'd hurt the sweetest, most wonderful man in existence! I was no better than that horrible Meowsie -- Meowth was right to hate me for what I'd done, and I deserved all of those Fury Swipes he'd given me.
"It's okay, sweetheart," James said softly. "Once Meowth sees that we've worked everything out, he'll forgive you, too...and if he gives you any more trouble about this, I'll straighten him out."
My heart fluttered. James had never said anything like that to me before...and he'd never sounded so assertive or so strong. I liked it! "Sweetheart," I whispered. "James, I didn't think I'd ever hear you call me that!"
He smiled at me. "Well you always have been," he told me. "And you always will be."
"I love you, James," I said again, pulling his face closer to mine. (I could never say it enough to him now! I could never get enough of his closeness, or his touch!)
"I love you, too, Jessie," he replied, leaning down and giving me another kiss.
As our lips met once more, I knew in my heart that everything was going to be okay. I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself for the terrible mistake I'd made, but now that I thought about it, everything had turned out for the best. Running away made me realize just how important my friends were to me...and the fear that I'd lost James made me realize that I had to tell him how I felt. But I didn't lose James, and the whole ordeal ended up bringing us closer than I ever thought we'd be!
And who knows? Now that we were in love...now that I knew I didn't have to be afraid anymore, maybe James could teach me to be gentle. Maybe, with his help, I really could learn to be more sensitive! Nothing made me happier than the love of my new boyfriend...a boyfriend who would never betray me or leave me like the others had. And I was going to make James as happy as he made me...to love and cherish him forever.
As the sun rose and James held me in his arms, I hoped that he would never let go again.
I knew I wouldn't.