Shattered Soul

Forgive me, Jessie, for departing this world ahead of you,
but I can't stand living like this anymore.
I'm a failure. I've failed Team Rocket and I've failed you.
For ten years I've failed you, and you deserve so much better.
Ten years, Jessie, and I'm still too much of a coward to tell you how I
really feel.
I love you, Jessie. I love you so much it hurts inside.
But I'm a coward and a failure, I know I'm what's holding Team Rocket back.
Meowth was right, I'm a moron.
So I'm putting both of us out of our misery. I can't take this pain anymore,
I'm going to end it. Forgive me.
    James
~~~~~
 

A single tear fell on the letter as the hand that had written it folded it in
half.
James carefully approached his partner, sleeping fitfully in her bed. She
looked as though she were having a nightmare. He wished that he could wake
her from her sleep, kiss her, and promise to make all her nightmares go away.

He wished that he could make both their nightmares go away.

He sat down on his own bed, which was right next to hers, holding the letter
he had just written in one hand and a gun in the other. He looked over to the
little yellow bed belonging to Meowth. It was empty. The little red blanket
decorated with meowth charms was folded neatly at the bottom of the bed. They
had all argued earlier that day, over why yet another one of their plans to
capture Pikachu had failed. James had forgotten to place the bomb they were
going to use, and it wound up blowing up in their faces, sending them all
"blasting off again." Meowth had left them both in disgust, calling them a
pair of morons. They had waited for a while, hoping he would come back, but
after they got tired of sitting around, they decided to go and look for him.

For two hours they searched, without success. Finally, they gave up and went
back to the room they shared at Team Rocket HQ and proceeded to get into
another argument. Jessie blamed James for the whole mess, and after she got
tired of yelling at him, went off to bed without another word.

For hours James had paced the floor, sinking deeper and deeper into
depression, until something in his mind snapped. Maybe it was the constant
day-to-day failure, or the fact that he had convinced himself that Jessie
could never love him back, or maybe it was pain inside him, growing more
intense each day due to his heartache for her, or maybe it was a combination
of all three, but for whatever reason, something inside James snapped.

And now here he was, with a suicide note in one hand and a gun in the other,
trying to make sense of the pain and confusion eating at his soul.
Finally, he got up and placed the note in Jessie's hand, and then did
something he had always wanted to do, but had never dared.

He kissed Jessie softly on the lips and said, "I love you, Jessica. I'll
always love you."

As he kissed her, her body relaxed and the nightmare she had been having
seemed to subside. His heart skipped a beat when she called out his name in
her sleep. His eyes filled with tears.

"She's just dreaming," the darker part of his mind told him. "She couldn't
love you... why would she? You're a failure."

The tears flooded down his face as he left the room. If he had stayed a
moment longer, he would have heard Jesse murmur in her sleep "I love you,
too..."

He went into the bathroom and turned on the light. He stared into the mirror
over the sink.

"How could I ever expect her to love me? I'm an idiot. All I ever do is act
like an imbecile. I'm what's holding Team Rocket back, and Jessie and Meowth
both know it..."

He stared at his reflection, looking for an answer, any answer, to end the
pain he was feeling. Staring into eyes filled with darkness and despair, he
slowly lifted the gun to his head...
 

Jessie stirred from her sleep. Was it her imagination or had James just
kissed her? No, it couldn't be. She must have been dreaming. Oh, how she
wished he would kiss her! She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but
something always held her back.

"Why don't I just tell him?" she asked herself, beginning the debate she ran
through her mind every night. She slowly sat up in her bed. "I need to tell
him..."

Suddenly she noticed something in her hand. She unfolded the paper and began
to read...

"Oh my god..."

She felt panic seize control of her as she jumped out of her bed and began
franticly searching for James. She didn't have far to go, she found him
staring into the bathroom mirror holding a gun to his head.

She froze in terror, afraid the slightest move might cause him to pull the
trigger. She called out his name, the fear evident in her voice.

"James, I love you," she said, beginning to cry. "Please don't leave me."

He turned around to face her, lowering the gun just slightly.

She stared into his tear-filled eyes. She could read the confusion in them,
and the pain was etched all over his face.

"Don't do this," she pleaded. "It's not supposed to end this way. We deserve
a future. A life together, a family... all the things that other people have.
We deserve that, James. Please don't leave me... I need you... I love you."

It was ironic how, when facing the greatest fear of her life, she had somehow
found the courage she had lacked before to tell him her true feelings.

James just stared at her. He wasn't completely sure that Jessie standing
there, telling him what he had always wanted to tell her, wasn't an illusion.
An illusion created by his pain and desperation. He could hear two voices; a
dark voice in his mind, telling him to pull the trigger and end his pain; and
the pleading voice of his partner, begging him not to leave her.

"Please, James," her voice pleaded, as she held out her arms to him. "Put the
gun down and come to me. Let me take care of you. Everything will be all
right, I promise..."

The pain and confusion in James' heart was strong, but his love and need for
Jessie was stronger.

"Come to me, James. Please..."

In his darkest moment, he placed all of his trust in her. His fingers
loosened their grip on the gun and it dropped to the floor. He fell into her
arms, crying.

Jessie's first instinct was to start crying herself, in relief, but she
fought the impulse. She couldn't break down now. She had to be strong for
James, he needed her.

She led her sobbing partner over to his bed and they both sat down. She
cradled him in her arms, gently rocking him back and forth.

"It hurts so much," he sobbed, crying into her chest.

"I know," Jessie said, holding him to her, "I know..."

After a while, he dozed off in her arms. She laid him and herself both down
on his pillow.

All night she held him, like a mother with her sick child, but she did not
sleep. She was afraid to. She was afraid he would wake up while she slept and
try to kill himself again.

"What happened?" she asked herself, as she would over and over again that
night. "What happened to make him think he had to do this?"

She thought about what he had written in his letter. He said he was failure,
that he was holding Team Rocket back.

Jessie didn't understand this at all. James had always seemed to be the most
satisfied member of their group. She and Meowth were both dead-set on getting
rich, and both felt as though they had something to prove. Their own
worthiness, perhaps, both to the world and to themselves.

Not so with James. Of course, he wanted to get rich, too, but he seemed
content with his life in Team Rocket. After all, he had given up billions of
dollars to live the life he was leading now. As for their constant failure,
it never seemed to bother him too much. She remembered him joking once about
them having "a proud tradition of failure to uphold."

So what had caused him to go from being happy-go-lucky to being suicidal? She
knew one thing; there was no way this could have happened overnight. The look
in his eyes reflected a deep sadness that had obviously been eating at him
for some time. She was angry with herself for not noticing it before.

She wished Meowth was here, she wanted to know if he had noticed anything
about James that indicated his unhappiness.

She closed her eyes and tried to think. Had he given any indication of his
now obvious misery? She thought back...

"Nothing ever seems to go right for us, does it, Jessie? Maybe I'm just not
meant to be happy..." she recalled him saying once. The sad look in his eyes
had been evident at the time, but had she tried to comfort him? No, she had
called him a spoiled brat, showing no sympathy whatsoever. She wondered how
many other signs of depression he had shown, signs that she had again and
again ignored.

What made her feel worse was the fact that whenever SHE had been unhappy,
James had always been the first (and usually the only) one to comfort her. He
had always been there for her, and she hadn't been there for him.

As she ran her fingers through her sleeping partner's hair, she swore to
herself that she would never take him for granted again. She loved this man,
he was a part of her.

Suddenly he stirred from his sleep and began crying again.

"I'm afraid," he sobbed, over and over.

"It's all right," she said, stroking his hair and trying to reassure him.
"Everything's going to be all right. I'll protect you."

"It's all my fault," he whispered. "Everything's my fault. It's always
because of me that we fail."

"It's not your fault," she said, kissing his blue hair. "Team Rocket always
fails."

"Jessie, I'm so afraid. Afraid of everything, afraid of losing you..."

"You won't lose me, James, not ever. I'll always protect you."

"Please don't leave me, Jessie..." he begged, clutching her desperately.

"I'll never leave you, James, I promise. We'll always be together, no matter
what. Now go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."

They held each other tightly the rest of the night, both afraid to let go.
Several times during the night James woke up crying again, and Jessie would
gently stroke his hair and kiss his tears away until he drifted back to
sleep.
 

At about 6:30 in the morning, as a very tired Jessie was crying silently as
she watched the first rays of sun shine through the window, the phone rang.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

It woke James up.

Jessie, who had not slept the entire night, scooted out of bed and answered
it.
It was Mondo.

"The boss wants you," he told her.

"Now?!!" asked Jessie. "It's only 6:30!"

"Well, he wants you just the same," Mondo said. He wondered why Jesse looked
so surprised. The boss sent for them at all hours of the night. And why did
she look like she had been crying?

"Tell him we're taking the day off," Jessie said, and hung up on him.

James stared at her in amazement. Nobody just told the boss they were taking
the day off. Most people were afraid to ASK Giovanni for time off.

Jessie started to head back to bed, but the phone rang again.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

She knew it was going to be Mondo again, and she was right.

"Are you crazy?!" he asked her. "You can't do that! What would the boss say?"

"We're not working today, and if the boss doesn't like it then tell him I
said he can go to hell!" She hung up the phone again.

Mondo, on the other end, looked like he was going to be sick. Him tell the
boss to go to hell? Not in this lifetime! He valued his life too much.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

"Oh shut up!" Jessie shouted at the ringing phone. She yanked it out of the
wall and sent it flying across the room. The (very expensive) video phone
crashed into a wall and broke into pieces.

James sat up in bed, stunned.

It was a good thing Mondo would never tell the boss what Jessie had said. He
would make some excuse for them now, and find out what was going on with them
later.

Jessie stared at the broken video phone. She knew there was no way they were
going to be able to afford a new one anytime soon, but she didn't care. A
part of her wanted to just start throwing everything in sight, but instead,
she sat on the foot of the bed and put her head in her hands.

"Jessie?" James asked softly, "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jessie said, getting up and going over to him.

"How do you feel?" she asked, her voice full of concern as she ran her
fingers through his silky blue hair.

He lowered his head. He didn't know what to say to her.

"James, please talk to me," she said, lifting his head so that his emerald
eyes met her sapphire-blue ones, "Tell me what's wrong. Tell me how I can
help you."

His eyes filled with tears.

"It hurts inside," he said. "I love you, Jessie. I've loved you for so long,
but I was too afraid to tell you, and now you probably hate me because of
what I did."

He closed his eyes and started to cry.

"James, I don't hate you," she said softly, wiping his tears away and
beginning to cry herself. "I could never hate you."

"Really?" he asked.

"I love you, James," she said, "I was just too proud to tell you. I was
afraid you would think less of me if you didn't feel the same way. I love you
more than anything, even though I don't always know how to show it."

He looked at her with tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was
hearing. She loved him. Jessie loved him.

"Jessie, I need you so much," he said, though his tears. "Please make it
stop... Make the pain stop."

Jessie closed her eyes and touched her lips to his. She kissed him softly at
first, then deeply, passionately. After a minute, she broke the kiss, waiting
to see his reaction.

"No, don't stop," he whispered, pulling her close. "Please don't stop."

She kissed him again, laying him down on the bed. She pulled herself on top
of him and continued to kiss him.

James wrapped his arms tightly around her. He felt like he was surrounded by
her. Her scent and the warmth of her body against his seemed to wrap around
him, filling him with a sense of security and fulfillment he had never known.
He didn't want the feeling to stop. He could feel the passion building up
inside him, and finally, acting almost on impulse, he held her to him and
flipped them both over so that he was on top of her.

He wanted her, needed her, so much at that moment. He broke their kiss and
looked down at her, not sure how to ask for what he desperately wanted to do.

Jessie knew what he wanted, what they both wanted. She also knew that he was
too much of a gentleman to act without asking her first.

"Go ahead," she whispered, pulling him down to her, "Make love to me, James.
Please make love to me."

>From that moment on, nothing else mattered.

They made love with a fierce desperation, both desperately needing to be
close to each other after what had almost happened last night. Both needing
to be as close as humanly possible.

James felt as though he couldn't get close enough to her. She cried out his
name with each hard thrust as he dove into her, overwhelmed by want and need
that now seemed to possess every fiber of her being. Years of built up
passion from surpressed love spilled out of him and into her, ending in an
incredible explosion that melted into relief and pure joy.

When it was over, they still did not separate from each other.

"I don't want to let go," James said softly.

"Then don't," Jessie returned.

Holding each other tightly, they both drifted off into a contented sleep,
without ever separating their bodies.
 

James was the first to awaken a few hours later. He separated himself from
Jessie, careful not to awaken her, and covered her with his blue blanket. He
kissed her softly, smiling as she murmured his name in her sleep, and then
pulled on his boxers and went into the kitchen.

He made himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. He and
Jessie would have both preferred a traditional Japanese dining area, a short
table with cushions on the floor to sit on. Actually, they did have that at
their cabin a few miles off, but there wasn't enough room in their small
quarters at Team Rocket HQ, so they had to settle for what they had, which
was a plain wooden table against the wall with chairs at each end for him and
Jess, and a high stool in the middle for Meowth.

James stared sadly at Meowth's empty seat. He wondered where their Pokemon
friend was. Warming his hands on his cup of coffee, his mind ran through the
events of last night. He remembered the two-hour search for Meowth, Jessie
yelling at him, writing the suicide note, holding the gun to his head...

"What the hell happened to me?" he asked himself. He had been unhappy for
quite some time, but he never dreamed that his unhappiness would lead him to
do something so drastic.

He sighed and thought of Jessie. She was the one who had gotten him through
it. Her voice had stopped him from pulling the trigger, and all night she had
cared for him, her gentle touch easing his pain so that he could sleep.

And then there was this morning...

"I can't believe it's real," he thought, "I can't believe that she and I...
it was amazing..."

For the first time in his life, he felt complete. The answer he had been
seeking now seemed so simple: Jessie completed him. He closed his eyes and
smiled, remembering her kissing him, touching him, loving him...

His pleasant memory with interrupted as reality hit him. Last night, he had
almost killed himself, and if he had succeeded...

"Oh my god, what did I almost do?" he thought to himself. "Instead of making
love to Jessie this morning, I would have been dragged out in a body bag..."

He pictured Jessie waking up and finding him dead.

"Oh god, how could I do that to her?"

He stared into his coffee cup. He still hadn't taken the first sip, but he
didn't want it anymore.
 

Jessie slowly sat up in bed. James... where was James? Realizing he wasn't
there, she cursed herself for falling asleep and not watching him. She
grabbed her pink silk robe and got out of bed, franticly calling out for him.

"James! James, where are you?!"

"It's okay, Jess. I'm right here," he said, coming out of the kitchen.

Jessie felt a wave of relief wash over her. Relief, combined with another
emotion. Anger.

She slapped him hard across the face, bringing tears to his eyes.

James raised his hand to his cheek and stared at her with a hurt and confused
expression. Suddenly a horrible thought came to him; what if she regretted
what had happened between them this morning? If that was the case, James
wouldn't need a gun, he was going to wither and die right where he stood.

"Jessie you- you don't... regret what happened between us, do you?" he asked
fearfully. His heart was in his throat.

"No, I don't regret making love with you!" she shouted. "I love you! I love
you more than anything else in this world! But I'm still angry with you,
James! Very angry!"

James looked into her eyes. The anger in them was evident, but there was
something more...

Pain. He had hurt her!

"You almost killed yourself last night!" she said in an accusing tone. "You
were going to leave me... after everything we've been through together... Ten
years, James, and you were just going to throw it away!"

She tried to hold back her tears, but she wasn't succeeding very well.

James hated himself at that moment. The woman he loved was in pain, and it
was his fault. He held out his hand to her, wanting to get close to her, but
afraid she would strike him again.

She slapped his hand away.

"How could you just leave me like that?!" she shouted, the tears running down
her face. "I know I'm horrible to you, but I would never abandon you, and I
never dreamed you would try to abandon me! Now I have to live in constant
fear of leaving you alone, afraid you'll try to do it again!"

"Jessie I..."

She brushed past him and sat down at the table where he had been sitting. She
pushed the cup of coffee away, and put her head on the table.

He knew she was right. He had almost abandoned her. He deserved her anger. He
was the cause of her pain. He went into the bathroom where the gun was lying
on the floor.

Jessie heard the gun scrape across the floor. Again she panicked. By
accident, her arm knocked the cup of coffee off the table, sending it
crashing to the floor. The cup shattered into pieces. She cut her foot on the
broken glass as she ran to the bathroom, only to find that James was just
taking the bullets out of the gun.

He realized at once what she must have thought. He hated himself for doing
this to her. She was living in fear because of him, and he hated himself for
it.

"Jessie, your bleeding!" he cried, suddenly noticing her cut foot.

He quickly picked her up and sat her on their tall hamper. After tending to
her foot and bandaging it up, he carried her to her bed and sat her down, and
then went to clean up the coffee and broken glass.

When he came back, she was laying on her bed crying.

He hated it when she cried, it made his heart ache when she did. And this
time, knowing that he was the cause of her misery, it made him feel
physically sick.

He went over to her bed and sat down.

"Jessie, forgive me," he said, starting to cry.

She sat up and faced him. Before she could say anything, he pulled her to him
and hugged her.

"Jessie, please forgive me!"

Jessie rested her head on his shoulder.

"I seem like a strong person, don't I?" she asked, in a lost, dreamy sort of
voice. "I always thought that's was I was. But my loved ones... I'm not
strong enough to hold on to them. Fate pulls them right out of my hands..."

She fought to hold back her tears as she began to cry again.

"I lost my mother, I can't find Meowth... I just barely managed to keep from
losing you, the one person I thought I would never lose... You said that you
had failed Team Rocket. But you didn't fail... I'm the one who failed. I was
the one who was supposed to protect us all. But I lost Meowth, and I almost
lost you last night simply because I didn't know how to tell you that I loved
you. I was too cold-hearted to give you the warmth and tenderness that you
needed. I always say 'to protect the world from devastation,' but I couldn't
even protect you from devastation, the person I love most in the whole
world..."

"No, Jessie, you're wrong!" said James. "You did protect me! You kept me from
making the worst mistake of my life! If it hadn't been for you, I would be
dead right now! You saved my life, Jessie. Your love pulled me out of the
despair I was sinking in. I felt like my world had been shattered, you made
me whole again."

"But it was my fault you were unhappy in the first place..."

"No, Jessie. It wasn't your fault. It was just... alot of things..."

Jessie pulled from his embrace and stared into his eyes, as if trying to read
him.

James could tell she was in pain, physical pain. It registered all over her
face.

"Are you okay, Jess? Does your foot hurt?"

"No, my head..." she said, crying miserably. "Everytime I think... about what
almost happened it hurts worse..." The last of her defenses had fallen. She
gave up on trying to hold back her tears.

"Lay back," James whispered, kissing her forehead, "Lay back and close your
eyes."

She laid back onto her pillow. James sat on top of her and slowly massaged
her temples.

"Concentrate on my touch," he told her, as he moved his fingers in circular
motions.

Jessie found her attention being drawn away from the pain, and drawn to the
soothing movement of his fingers.

"Talk to me, James," she said. "I need to hear your voice..."

James found himself softly singing an old song that (oddly enough) his mother
had taught him. It reminded him of his feelings for Jessie whenever he sang
it...

"Oh my love's like a red, red rose

That's newly sprung in June;

Oh my love's like a melody

That's sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

(Jessie giggled at the words "bonnie lass")

So deep in love am I;

And I will love thee still, my dear,

Till all the seas gang dry.

(By this time, Jessie had forgotten her headache and was concentrating on his
song.)

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt with the sun;

Oh I will love thee still my dear,

While the sands of life shall run.

And fare thee well, my only love!

And fare thee well awhile!

And I will come again my love,

Though it were ten thousand mile!"

James suddenly realized she was crying softly. Then he thought about the last
verse of the song...

'And fare thee well, my only love...'

No wonder she was crying!

"Jessie I... I'm sorry. Bad choice of words..."

"James, what happened last night?" she asked. "Please tell me what happened
to you... Help me to understand..."

"I don't know, Jess... it's like something inside me just... snapped. I
couldn't stand the pain anymore. It's just... I'm always messing everything
up, and I just feel like I'm not good enough. I was never good enough for my
parents, and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Team Rocket either. I
didn't feel like I was good enough for you..."

"I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough for our
team," said Jessie, starting to cry again. "You are, James. We love you and
need you."

Although Jessie had said "we" to include Meowth, she really meant "I," and
James knew it. She gently touched his face.

"James, I love you for who YOU are. We may fail alot, but as long as we're
together... that's what's most important. We're a team, James... You, me, and
Meowth too..."

"I wonder where Meowth is..." James said, sadly.

"We'll find him," said Jessie, sitting up. "I know we will. But from now on,
whenever you're unhappy, talk to me. I don't want you to ever feel like
you're alone, because you're not. I'm here for you and I always will be. I
love you, James..."

James pulled Jessie into another hug.

"I know Jess, I will. I love you, too."

"James, promise me you'll never do that again..."

"I won't, Jessie."

Jesse pulled away from his embrace and looked into his eyes.

"No, you promise me, James! Look me in the eyes and promise me you won't ever
try to do that again, or else I'll always be afraid to leave you alone for
fear that you'll try to leave me again..."

He gently caressed her face and said, "I promise, Jessie, with all my heart.
I promise I'll never leave you, not ever."

She smiled and nestled into his arms, and in that instant, James knew he was
completely forgiven.
 

Mondo came by a few minutes later and turned red upon noticing that Jessie
was only wearing a silk robe and James was in his boxers. He was a bright
enough kid to put two and two together.

Jessie honestly didn't care was Mondo knew or thought. Ignoring his
embarrassment, she told him that she and James wouldn't be working today
because they had to go find Meowth. She shooed Mondo out the door and went to
get dressed.

James started on breakfast. When Jessie came to the table, dressed in her
Team Rocket uniform, (minus the boots and gloves) she laughed at the sight of
James cooking in his boxers.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said, trying to surpress her giggles. He looked so cute that
way, especially with the puzzled expression on his face.

"Well, here," he said, putting two plates down in front of her.

Jessie's mouth dropped open. Ham, sausage, bacon, and eggs on the first
plate; pancakes, fried potatoes and biscuits on the other. James put down a
third plate, French toast, and a bowl of oatmeal.

"Whatever possessed you to make so much?!" she asked, stunned.

"Well, I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I made some of everything," he
replied.

Jessie burst into laughter. That was James. He was back to normal, or as
normal as you could call James, anyway.

After breakfast, James started to clear the table but Jessie stopped him.
"I'll do it, you go get dressed," she told him.

After putting on his Team Rocket uniform, James went to nightstand between
his bed and Jessie's. It had two drawers, Jessie used the top one for her
make-up and James kept an assortment of stuff in the bottom one. He opened it
and started to dig through. Roses, a book of poetry, pictures of him and
Jessie, bottle caps...

Finally he found what he was looking for; his journal. He been so depressed
the last few weeks he hadn't even given it a thought. He sat down on his bed
and tried to think of how to express all he was feeling. How could he
describe everything that had happened? He opened the journal and started to
write...

~~~~~
When you wish upon a shattered star
You find yourself wondering who you are
When darkness seized my shattered soul
My true love's touch remade it whole.
~~~~~

Okay, maybe not his best attempt at poetry, but it seemed to express exactly
how he felt.

"You ready?" asked Jessie, coming out of the kitchen.

"For what?" he asked.

"To go find Meowth, of course," she said, putting on her gloves.

"You bet," he said, closing his journal and leaving it on the bed.

He had no doubt they would find their cat-pokemon friend. His faith in
himself and his life had been renewed, and he knew Jessie was right; as long
as they were together, that was the most important thing. Their unity had
become stronger through this ordeal, and James knew that they would be there
for each other, through good times and bad, because they loved each other.

And that's what love was all about.