**think i'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want no one to follow me
except maybe you**

I want him. I've known it for awhile now, but I've finally admitted it to myself. I love him and I need him. Now all I have to do is find and tell him. But every time I see him, he's with *her*.

**I could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
and I do**

They're always together, laughing and joking. I can handle that, I know they've been friends for a long time now. I don't begrudge Kasumi wanting to spend time with Satoshi. I just...I just want to be alone with him for a minute...long enough to give him my heart. I need courage. The next time I see him, I tell him, whether Kasumi's there or not.

**tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but I think you two are forever
and I hate to say it but you're perfect together**

As soon as I make my decision, I see them. They're walking through the park, seemingly absorbed in their conversation. Picking up my pace I walk up to them.
"Satoshi!" They turn...and I see that they're holding hands. And...she's wearing a ring. No.... Satoshi smiles.
"Shigeru! It's been ages. How are you?"
"Fine," I manage to choke out. "You?" I'm trying to hold on to hope. Maybe...maybe she's with someone else and he's just happy for her. Maybe my heart *isn't* about to be shattered.
"I couldn't be better." His eyes meet Kasumi's, and she nods. "I...you're the first one we've told, but...we're getting married. Kasumi said yes." Or maybe not. I try to smile as Satoshi draws Kasumi close.
"You've...been together for awhile?" Kasumi nods.
"Five years today." Satoshi's face grows soft and his eyes shine with love as he leans down and kisses her gently. Five years...I never had a chance. They look so much in love.... It hurts. It hurts that they look so right.... It hurts even more that I was so wrong.

**so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you for existing in the first place
and who am I that I should be vying for your touch
who am I bet you can't even tell me that much**

I don't even remember what I said to them after that...all I can remember is leaving, and the sadness turning to anger. I mean, why the *hell* didn't Satoshi tell me that he was dating Kasumi? I mean, I know we weren't always friends, but we have been for awhile now. To keep a secret like this...if I had known from the beginning that he loved Kasumi, I would've never fallen in love with him! So screw him. Screw Satoshi. I pause and have to fight back tears. For I remember-that's *Kasumi's* job now. Not mine. Never will be mine. The anger fades a little. I feel so...lost. I need to get out of here.

**2:30 in the morning
my gas tank will be empty soon neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on radio is counting down the top 20 country songs**

I don't know where I'm driving to, but it's away. Away from Masara, away from Satoshi, Kasumi...the memories. Away from the happy couple, who I've never seen together before, but suddenly are all over each other whenever I'm around. I'm aware that I acted like a prima donna, leaving like I did. And I'm sure everyone knows why I took off-people don't just up and disappear during the toast at an engagement party for no reason-unless they're a doctor who's been paged or in live with the soon-to-be bride/groom. And I don't remember receiving my medical degree. I'm crying in my coffee again. I've lost count of how many cups I've cried into, how many times I've sworn that I'll move on, that I'll go back. And every time I mean to-but as soon as I'm about to, I remember my Sato-chan. No, not mine. Never mine. And I begin to cry and hurt and boil with anger. Maybe I *will* never go back. It's about time that I moved out of my grandfather's house.

**out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.**

I got a letter in the mail today. It's been two years since I made the decision to leave Masara and move to Tokiwa. I made the excuse of wanting to be closer to the best university in the area, and everyone believed me. Except *possibly* my grandfather, but I've never been able to completely fool him. And then...just when I think I'm getting over it, *it* arrives. I never knew that in the back of my mind I'd been hoping that Satoshi and Kasumi would break their engagement. Hoping that Satoshi would come to me, and confess how he really loved *me*, and not Kasumi. I'm made painfully aware of it when I open the wedding invitation. I shouldn't go....

**you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
I won't know what to do
I won't know what to say**

Shouldn't...but here I am anyway. At least I'm not a member of the wedding party. That's left to Hiroshi, Takeshi and Kenji. But sitting in the pew, watching the priest join the two in holy matrimony...that's bad enough for me. Kasumi looks like a dream in her white gown, and Satoshi...words can't describe his perfection. A perfection that I am well aware only exists because of the soft expression of love on his face. For Kasumi. Always her. Do you know how much effort it takes to *not* say anything when the priest asks for just cause? But...really, what could I say? 'Satoshi can't marry her because *I* love him'? I couldn't do that...it would hurt Satoshi. And I love him too much to hurt him. I'm silent until they kiss, the final joining of the two as man and wife. And then I can't quite suppress a choked sob, but no one notices. Everyone is a bit teary-eyed, even my grandfather next to me. Tears for the perfect couple.

**so fuck you and your untouchable face
fuck you for existing in the first place
and who am I that i should be vying for your touch
who am I bet you can't even tell me that much**

The perfect couple. The thought fills me with scorn. We'd have been perfect together too, Satoshi. Probably more so than you and her. But she's the wife.... And who am I? An old friend that you invited for old time's sake? A friend that you just lost contact with? You want to know what I am? A lost opportunity, that's what, Satoshi. And the sad thing? I'm not that lost. Even now, if you should come to me, I'd probably accept you with open arms. I'm that starved for you.

**see you and I'm so perplexed
what was I thinking
what will I think of next
where can I hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying**

I'm hugging the back wall of the reception hall, trying to avoid being noticed. That lasts as long as it takes for it to be time for the tossing of the bouquet and garter. Suddenly I find myself being pushed to the front of the crowd with the other single men. It hurts, seeing you go after that thing. But from Kasumi's giggles, I'm sure you're both enjoying it. It's horrible.... I'm glad that Takeshi wants to catch the damn thing so bad. If he hadn't shoved me out of the way, it would've hit me in the chest. I'm sure that he only did it because one of Kasumi's sisters-I forget which one-caught the bouquet, but all I want to do is hide again...or preferably leave. Leaving sounds good. But a soft song starts playing and I glimpse Satoshi pulling Kasumi close, and I'm compelled to stay and watch. And I'm angry again.

**is fuck you and your untouchable face
fuck you for existing in the first place
and who am I that I should be vying for your touch
who am I bet you can't even tell me that much**

I think it's finally penetrated. Satoshi isn't mine...will never be mine. All my dreams are now ashes and dust. But I still want to hold him, you know? Still want it to be Satoshi and I. But...it never will be. Satoshi is Kasumi's, and I.... I am alone. With one last glance at the man I wished to call mine, I turn and leave the building. I have to figure out who I am now. Without Satoshi. Even though I love him still. ********** The End