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Tom Hanks Abducted by Aliens; Gets Anal Probe
Here we see Hanks, still adjusting after the intial discomfort of the lodged anal probe.
Hollywood, CA - Tom Hanks, one of the premier actors in movies today, has received an anal probe due to some intergalactic fans of his. Hanks says he was abducted and held hostage on an alien craft for several days, only to be somehow returned just seconds after his initial kidnapping.
"I was just sleeping peacefully one night," claimed Hanks, "when all of the sudden I saw these weird lights flashing outside my window. I went out to investigate, and I got sucked up into the lights."
Hanks says that he was then held hostage in an alien laboratory for what seemed like several days.
"They poked and prodded me all over," cried an emotional Hanks. "And the worst part is...well...that I began to enjoy it tremendously."
The award-winning actor also said that the aliens questioned him about Earth and his life.
"They wouldn't leave me alone. They kept asking me questions about my movies and whatnot. Like, 'How could Forrest Gump ever score?; there's no way that he could get laid,' and 'you should have died in Castaway,' and 'Wilson was totally the best character in the movie.' Then they would say things like, 'Sleepless in Seattle sucked ass, so whay the hell did you do You've Got Mail?,' and 'why the hell does Big get played every single day on cable?' Their voices haunted me....they were like...like....Boy George in a wind tunnel."
At this point, says Hanks, just as he could take no more, the aliens "aggressively" inserted a monitoring and tracking probe into his rectum.
"They just shoved it in, then pulled it out, then shoved it in again, over and over and over. I nearly passed out from the pain. It reminded me so much of the set of Saving Private Ryan, when Steven [Spielberg] and Matt [Damon] would take turns shoving their fists up my ass. Except that was much more fun."
Then, according to Hanks' account, the aliens beamed him back to his bedroom, where his clock read only seconds past when he had first seen the lights. He then passed out from exhaustion.
"When I woke up the next morning, I told everyone- my wife, my son, my dog Scrappsy, and my Backstreet Boys poster. No one believed me, so I decided to go to see my doctor to see if I could get the anal probe removed. By this time, it was becoming quite a problem. I couldn't shit at all, and I couldn't sit down without being stimulated."
Hanks saw his regular doctor, who sent him to a team of highly trained anal specialists, the "Rectifiers," as they are sometimes called. The specialists ran some tests and came up with some startling results.
"Mr. Hanks, it seems," began Dr. Ramdass, "had a more common probe lodged in his anus. What he has mistaken for alien technology is in fact quite terrestrial. It was nothing more than a common 9" purple dildo, with the 'vibrate' function left on."
Asked to comment on speculation that he fabricated his story to cover his secret desires, Hanks became defensive.
"So I experimented a little," confessed Hanks. "I mean, who doesn't want to ram a 9 inch purple dildo up their ass once in a while?"
-- Courtesy of Casual Gamer News Service