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Metallica Call it Quits; Plan MJ Tribute
Members of the now defunct Metallica sing "We Are the World" for a crowd of crackheads and hookers at a Las Vegas club
Las Vegas, Nevada - Current Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, and Kirk Hammett announced today that they would disolve Metallica as we know it in order to pursue their dream job: playing Michael Jackson songs.
"We felt that it was time for an evolution in our band," stated Ulrich, "But we couldn't think of anything to evolve to, so we just quit. We'd much rather play Jackson tunes than play more stuff like 'I Disappear.' Besides, Kirk already talks like Michael, so we figured it was a good idea."
"It seems like a natural progression," added Hetfield, "We all love MJ, and our music has sucked for years. Just ask any of our fans, all 5 of them. I already bought my glitter glove and black booties, so I am so ready to moonwalk while singing 'Pretty Young Thing.' I think Lars is already looking into getting a monkey, and Kirk has started molesting children again. I think we are all just getting mentally prepared. We're getting into character."
When news of Metallica's decision hit fans, there was a mixed reaction among longtime Metallica lovers.
"I love Metallica, but they have been sucking for a while, and they have been putting off a new album for forever now," said Shawn Brennan, a longtime but often jaded Metallica fan. "The good thing is that I also love Michael Jackson, but his music just isn't what it used to be either. I just hope Metallica busts out the old Jacksons material, like 'State of Shock' or 'Can You Feel It.' Maybe Metallica should just start covering Megadeth songs, now that they've [Megadeth] broken up. That would totally kick ass."
Another Metallica fan seemed to hold a grudge against Metallica.
"Metallica haven't written a good song since 'Master of Puppets,'" complained Simon Atlay. "All I ever hear is 'One' on the radio, and it sucks ballsacks. I just hope that they cover 'Remember the Time,' because Magic Johnson was in the video and it rocked. Eddie Murphy was there, too, and he's pretty cool. Beverly Hills Cop one and two were sweeeeeet!"
Despite what critics may say, the former members of Metallica have their minds set. They gave a little taste of their new show to a small crowd at a Las Vegas club last night.
"We really rocked the place," Hammett exclaimed, "And the crowd seemed to really dig it. We started out with 'Beat It', rocked on with 'Bad', and then brought down the house with 'We Are the World.' Everyone was in tears by the end. I'm not sure if it was a happy cry or a sad cry, though."
The group says that they can now be officially called "The Little Susies."
-- Courtesy of Casual Gamer News Service