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Metabolic Syndrome Reaches Animal Kingdom, Panic Ensues
Peter Cottontail rests his girth on his bed. "I wish Jared [of Subway] would help us," he cried.
Springfield, Illinois - The Kingdom Animalia is in a state of unrest after a discovery of several cases of metabolic syndrome in animals.
Animals everywhere are trying not to panic as the disease metabolic syndrome, once thought to be exclusive to humans, threatens to affect them in epidemic proportions. Metabolic syndrome is a disease that results from lack of excercise and a proper diet. The disease causes victims to gain weight at an alarming rate, hence the terror and inhumanity of it all.
"I've seen it quite a lot in humans, if you want the truth," commented an unaffected Bambi, "but I never thought it would come this far."
"I'm so scared. I'm too young to die!," cried one victim, Peter Cottontail. "Damn those genetically engineered carrots! I ate them! I ate them all! Not just the big ones, but the small ones, and the roots, too!"
The animal kingdom is reeling from the blows that the disease is handing them every day. Animal authorites and specialists are rushing to prevent further spread of the syndrome.
"The lions say that they are doing all they can, but I think that they are benefitting from this," complained a concerned Kuma, "they love to eat all the fat little animals."
"I've been dying a little bit each day since it came into my life," grieved a now obese Smokey the Bear, "but only you can prevent forest fires."
Although much of the animal kingdom is in an uproar, some animals don't share the worries. In fact, they are quite skeptical of the disease.
"Metabolic syndrome? It used to be just called FAT," said skeptic dog Kirby. "There always has been and there always will be fat asses in the world- no fancy names needed to show that."
Despite skepticism, rampant panic continues. No one seems to be safe from the clutches of the diease.
"I don't understand," questioned a puzzled Yogi Bear. "You mean to say that you can't eat whatever you want, sit on your ass all day, and stay perfectly healthy? I can't believe it! What's the point in continuing living? I am going to end it all here! Goommbyekkkoolwwooled [gunshot]."
The animal kingdom will continue to struggle with the disease until someone can come up with a super diet pill that will allow them to lose weight without trying or changing their bad habits, or Richard Simmons joins their cause.
-- Courtesy of Casual Gamer News Service