*** THE CASUAL GAMER ***
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Satan Reveals Plans for World Domination
An artist's conception of what the Dark Lord looks like, based on popular folklore and what a little bird told him.
Everybody's favorite villian, the Dark Lord Satan, was kind enough to answer some of my questions in a phone interview held last week. Here's what he had to say about his life, career, and notoriety.
Casual Gamer: So, how have you been holding up over the last couple millenia?
Satan: Well, I'll tell you it hasn't been easy. The paparazzi are a bitch. I can't even go out any more without some whacko trying to take my picture and sell it to a tabloid.
CG: And how's the family?
S: Oh, we're doing good. Lately I've been trying to take a bit more time off from creating evil to spend time with my little ones. I'm hoping that someday they'll be evil enough to run the family business.
CG: Speaking of business, how's your's going?
S: Well, being in my line of work is never easy, what with all the negative criticism and all. But people just don't understand my perspective. This is all I've ever known, and it's what I'm good at. Besides, evil is a relative term. If you're on the side of evil, then it's not really all that bad. Then the goody-two shoes people start to look disgusting to you. Anyway, I don't want to ramble here. But business is steady, and we may even be gaining some ground here. I think we may be posting some gains this quarter, what with all the evil things kids are doing these days. All that piercing, swearing, staying up late, rock and roll, etc., helps keep me afloat. Why if it wasn't for the young, I'll tell ya what, I'd probably be out of business. After all, it's obvious that older people are so perfect and they always know and do what's right.
CG: So, as long as we're still dicussing business here, who's working for you nowadays? Ozzy? Slipknot? Hugh Hefner? Rockstar Games?
S: Oh, I always get that, but none of them work for me, nor have they ever. No, I've never had the pleasure of working with anyone as top notch as Ozzy. He does great work, but just for the wrong side. Hmmm...Let's see...who works for me now? Oh, yeah...well, we just signed on Britney Spears, who'll be doing some nice work for us. And some longtime employees are Jesse Jackson, Joe Lieberman, P. Diddy, televangelists, about half of all politicians, a good number of corporate executives, and BB Mak.
CG: What about MTV? Do you have a hand in that? It's pretty shitty nowadays. Have you seen it lately?
S: Yeah, unfortunately I have. And no, I don't have anything to do with it. That shit is so bad that even I wouldn't touch it with a 20 foot pole. That is humanity at its worst, and I try to run a tight shift here. I mean, I'm a being of taste and dignity. I have standards, but it just happens that the people I employ get power trips and start screwing things up for me. Then I have to start firing people, and that's just not pretty.
CG: So what plans do you have in store these days?
S: Well, some of them are secret, so I can't tell you, but I can tell you I'm aiming for world domination. I figure that that's a good goal to strive for. I'm thinking about working with the government to change some ammendments, so that more freedoms can be reduced. That will make controlling the populations much easier, and then world takeover will be a snap. Once you stamp out creativity and imagination, the rest is child's play. I'm just glad that America is already doing a lot of the work for me. Those stubborn old people already like trying to control their youth, and they therefore are doing my work for me. And with America spreading its philosophies worldwide, why, I hardly have to lift a finger.
CG: So in closing, what are your thoughts on the human spirit and Jesus?
S: Good question...Well, as far as Jesus goes, I think he is the best possible competition to have. His perfection and wisdom just remind me how much work I've got to do to counteract his works. And that kind of love almost makes me want to change sides, but then who would humans blame for their own mistakes? But I kind of feel bad for him, because humans are so stupid. I mean, God sends Jesus down to earth, and Jesus spreads the most logical, peaceful message possible to humans. If humans would have just recognized the message and got on with it then they would be living in a great world. But instead, the humans bicker and fight about who heard the message right. They use religion to control and abuse others, as well as for personal gain. And I absolutely admire and hate the human spirit. It is such a glorious thing, but it makes my job that much harder, because I have to stamp it out as much as I can. But as long as greed exists I will be alright. Because we all know that money is the root of all evil.
CG: Satan, thanks for your time.
S: My pleasure. Say, you seem like a bright fellow. You want a job?
CG: No thanks, I'm good.
S: That's a shame. Well, anyway, I've got to go, I've got J.Lo and Ben Affleck on the other line, waiting on a contract.