*** THE CASUAL GAMER ***
| Main | Back to Headlines | CG News Archive |
Tully The Turkey Talks Trash
Tully, seen here basking in his unquestionably large manhood, encourages other animals to partake in what he calls "Thanksgiving Back, Bitch."
Kingdom Animalia, USA - Tully the Turkey, a well known and respected member of the Federation of United and Co-operatory Commensalistic Animals for Symbiosis (FUCCAS), told the press today in a press conference that Thanksgiving is "immoral, evil, and not much fun at all, especially for turkeys and Canadians."
Tully has long been a spokesman for the FUCCAS and for all life in general, and had much to say in his press conference.
"Thanksgiving is an atrocity, and an insult to the animal community," proclaimed Tully. "I, as one of the proudest members of the FUCCAS, am offended greatly by the apathy surrounding this 'traditional' holiday. I mean, you just try to imagine sitting in an oven with the heat cranked and stuffing shoved up your ass. Certainly, it is nothing at all to be thankful about, and something needs to be done to remedy the situation. I propose a new holiday for animals, to be known as 'Thanksgiving Back,' or, as it is more commonly known on the street, 'Thanksgiving Back, Bitch.' I will stress, though, that it doesn't directly involve female dogs, and I apologize for any confusion. Together, as a united front in Kingdom Animalia, we will strike back at our tormentors. If we're treated better, we'll call it off, but otherwise we're prepared to show everyone what bad FUCCAS we can be."
Tully then went on to elaborate on just what exactly Thanksgiving Back, Bitch entailed.
"I have a vision for this new era of Animal kind," spouted the ferocious foul. "We beasts of prey shall become the hunters, the predators of man. It is actually a practice that has been building uderground amongst some factions of animals for quite some time now. I myself have participated in a few of these 'manhunts.' It is rather easy, to be honest. We simply take some food, usually made from our poor sacrificed brothers, and bait the humans. Chicken nuggets and donut holes seem to work pretty well for both sides, as they are tasty and mobile. Not everything works, though. One time we tried Burger King tacos, and no one would even come within ten feet of them, except for one small teen who tried to eat them. He had on a Burger King uniform, though, and we felt too sorry for him to reel him in."
Tully said that animals everywhere would take action soon, and that he has full support from his association, even the elder chairpersons, collectively known as the Mother FUCCAS.
"I am completely serious in my testatment here today. We will hunt humans, and we will cook them and eat them. It will be our new tradition, celebrated every November. Beware all ye doubtful humans. We will get you, sooner or later. So the next time you see a frosty, delicious donut on a string lying in the gutter, you'd better think twice about picking it up--there just might be a hungry little turkey on the other end of the line, waiting, watching, and licking his lips in sweet anticipation."
-- Courtesy of Casual Gamer News Service