_Chapter 1_ *Sophia's View*
"What if they don't like me?" I said quietly, staring out the car window.
"Course they're gonna like you, baby," Brian said comfortingly, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to give me a warm smile. "I like you, don't I?"
"Yea… but I'm still nervous. How did they feel when you told them I was coming on tour?"
"They were fine with it. Most of them will be bringing girlfriends too."
"But what if one of them really can't stand me? And then they're stuck with me for another 4 months."
"Honey, stop worrying," Brian laughed softly. "They're not gonna hate you - I promise."
"Ok," I sighed, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Trying to distract me while I drive, huh?" "Yep," I laughed, kissing him again.
"No fair… I can't kiss you back."
"That's the point," I whispered, edging closer so I could run my tongue up his neck.
"Damn, you just wait until we get to the house," he grinned. "It'll be payback."
"Can't wait," I smiled, getting back in my seat.
"Now which way do I go… west or east? Damn, these directions Kevin gave me suck," he muttered to himself. "Baby, you know your way around here?"
"Hmm, not really. I was born in West Palm Beach… that's kinda far from here."
"Yea," he mumbled. "I think it's east."
I nodded in support not having any idea if he was wrong or right.
"What's that ring you always wear?" he asked out of nowhere.
"Hmm? What do you mean?" I had been daydreaming and wasn't paying attention.
"Your ring."
I looked down and realized I was pulling the ring I wore on my finger on and off… I hadn't even realized I was doing that…
"What about it?"
"I've never seen you without it on… did someone special give it to you?"
"Yea," I said softly.
"Wanna share?"
"No," I said playfully.
"Wanna be mysterious, huh? A past boyfriend?"
"Maybe," I shrugged, loving the fact that this was bothering him so much.
"Well, if I buy you a ring would you replace that one with it?" he asked, motioning to my finger.
"Hmm, I dunno. Depends how pretty it is," I joked.
"I'll do my best," he smiled.
"Brian," I said slowly. "Um, wasn't that our exit, back there?" I asked, looking at the highway in back of us.
"Oh, shit!"
*Brian's View*
Sophia started to laugh as I tried to back up.
"Bri, it's a highway! You can't back up like that! You'll kill us both! You're gonna have to just get off the next exit and find your way from there."
"I hate Florida," I muttered to myself as we got off the next exit. "Too confusing."
"How about you let me drive?" she suggested.
"You? You wanna drive my car?"
"Uh huh. I could get us there quicker."
"I'll get us there eventually," I whined.
"Nope. Pull over country boy."
"Fine," I sighed, pulling to the side of the road and letting her take the drivers seat. She was somehow able to find the right exit… I wasn't going to admit it, but that would have taken me hours. Good thing she insisted on driving…
I found myself staring at her hands as she maneuvered the steering wheel. That ring she wore was haunting me… who had given her that and why wouldn't she tell me? I was about to bet any amount of money it was from an ex boyfriend, but why would she still be wearing it… we'd been together 5 months now.
"Bri, is this the house?"
I snapped out of my thoughts to read the address on the huge house she'd pulled up in front of. "Yep… this would be it…"
"My god, it's a mansion!"
"Yep, well a lot of people are staying here…"
"And when do we actually leave to start the tour?"
"Um, 2 weeks. Something like that. Until then… we stay here."
"No problem by me," she said, staring up at the house. "I could live here the rest of my life…"
"Alright, let's go in so I can introduce you to everybody… we can leave our stuff in the car for now. Come on," I said, taking her hand in mine and walking up to the door.
*Sophia's View*
"Guys, I'm here!" Brian screamed out as we entered the house.
"We're in the living room," someone called out from the left of us.
"Ok, let's go," he said, squeezing my hand as we walked towards them.
"Ok, guys I want you to meet my girlfriend Sophia." Everyone looked up to give me a warm smile. I scanned the room and my heart almost stopped when I saw him. What was he doing here? Don't tell me he was in the band… He looked almost as surprised as I was. He took a quick glance to see the ring on my finger and then looked away.
"Sophia, this is Howie, Kevin," he began, pointing out each new face. "That would be Nick and his girlfriend Colleen making out in the corner," he said, motioning to a couple kissing on a low chair pushed up against the wall.
"Ok," I laughed, noticing that they weren't going to stop to greet me.
"Don't mind them," Howie smiled. "They haven't seen each other in awhile - making up for lost time."
"Ohh, I see," I smiled.
"B, introduce me," a pretty girl that looked around 20 said.
"Sorry, hun. Sophia, this is Kevin's girlfriend Elyse."
"Hey Elyse," I grinned.
"And last but not least…."
"AJ," I said softly, finishing his sentence for him.
"Um, yea. How'd ya know?"
I was about to speak when AJ quickly answered, "Oh, you know, B, they have our names all over every magazine in the country. You saw my name in some article, right Sophia?" he asked, his eyes burning into mine to play along.
I gave him a strange look before mumbling, "Yea, or TV or something."
"Oh," Brian nodded. "Ok, well that's everyone! Let's go unpack," he suggested, slipping his arm around my waist.
"Ok," I agreed, heading outside.
I started to unload the car with Brian in a daze. Why did AJ want to pretend we didn't know each other? I couldn't help but feel hurt… I thought I meant more to him than that.
"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Brian asked, leaning in to give me a kiss.
"Nope. Everyone seems real nice."
"They are," Brian nodded. "AJ was acting a little weird, but he has his moods. Don't worry, though… he should be fine later."
"Oh, I didn't even notice."
"Usually he's really friendly."
"You didn't introduce me to his girlfriend…"
"Oh, he doesn't have one. Hasn't had one for awhile, really," he said, dragging a heavy suitcase to the stairway.
"Why's that?" I asked casually, close behind him.
"No one really knows. God knows he's got girls throwing themselves at him every second… he used to enjoy it so much, but I don't know… Sophia, could you get that black bag over there?"
"Yea, sure."
"Howie jokes he's going through his 'all women do is hurt you' stage, but I think that's closer to the truth than anything the rest of us has come up with."
I felt a small jab at my heart as he said that. If it was me that had made AJ feel this way I would never be able to forgive myself…
"When'd he start acting like this?"
"Um, hard to say… Maybe a year or so ago."
"Fuck," I mumbled to myself.
"What's the matter?" he asked, turning to look at me.
"Um, no, this bag is just heavy."
"Want help?"
"No, no I'm good."
A year or so ago… yep, that was me. This tour was going to be so uncomfortable...
"K, let's bring all this stuff up to our room."
"Our room?" I asked, surprised.
"Yea, we're gonna share a room. Is… is that ok?"
"Um, yea, that's ok," I nodded.
"Sophia, just because we're in the same bed… it doesn't mean we have to do anything. I would never force you."
"Oh, I know. That's fine."
"Ok," he smiled, starting to lead the way.
AJ ran down the stairs past us. He didn't even look at us…
"What's the rush, J?" Brian called after him. "You didn't miss me?"
"What?" he asked, reluctantly turning to look back at us.
"Come help us," Brain laughed at his startled face. "I want to talk to you."
"Uh, maybe later, B. I gotta, um, you know, get something to eat."
"Oh, ok," Brian said, clearly disappointed. "I'll catch you later then."
"That guy gets stranger every time I see him," Brian shook his head as we reached the door to our room.
_Chapter 2_ *AJ's View*
"Howie," I whispered. "Howie, you awake?"
I was answered by him snoring. "K, guess not," I mumbled to myself. It was 3 in the morning and I just couldn't fall asleep. Sophia being here had really shaken me up. When Brian had said he was bringing his girlfriend on tour I hadn't thought twice. What are the odds it was going to be Sophia? I couldn't stand to look at her… It had taken me a whole year to get over her, and I still hadn't fully recovered. And then there she was… sleeping in the room next to mine, back in my life again.
The one thing I didn't understand was why she was still wearing the ring I'd given her. That confused me more than anything. I turned on my side so I was facing the window. I saw the crescent moon in the dark blue sky and closed my eyes. Sophia and I had been high school sweethearts… we'd known each other ever since I could remember. We'd grown up in the same town. But it had taken us til high school to start going out. Ever since our first date we were inseparable. She was the first person I felt was really listening to me, and I always came first to her before everything. We stayed together all through high school with only one break-up senior year.
Then… one special night we confessed how much we loved each other and I gave her the ring she had been wearing this morning. As I slipped the ring on her finger I promised her we'd be together for the rest of our lives. That night we slept together for the first time. The first time for both of us. And when I woke up in the morning… she was gone. No note, no nothing. I never heard from her again. Not long after that I was picked to be in the Backstreet Boys. I tried to call her and get in touch with her to tell her… but it was as if she'd disappeared. No one not even her family or friends knew where she had gone.
I wasn't the same after that. To this day I don't know why she left me. We were in love and so happy… and then she walked out of my life. I kept expecting her to call or just show up on my doorstep one day, but it never happened. And then today there she was, holding hands with Brian. She was Brian's girlfriend on tour with us for the next 4 months.
"It's not fair," I said out loud.
"What's not?" Colleen asked from the doorway.
"Col, whatcha doin up?" I asked, startled.
"Can't sleep," she sighed, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. "And Nick's snoring again…"
"So is Howie. Wanna go downstairs… make ourselves a midnight snack?"
"You mean a 3 am snack?" she grinned.
"Yep, that's what I mean. Let's go."
We crept downstairs as quietly as we could and almost jumped as we heard noises coming from the kitchen.
"Looks like we have another insomniac friend," I muttered. "Who's there?"
Sophia suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Oh, sorry, guys. I just… I couldn't sleep…"
"Neither can we," Colleen said. "Anything to eat in there?" she asked, going to join Sophia at the fridge.
"Nothing. I'm starving."
"AJ, feel like doing something insane?" Col asked me with a grin.
"I'm afraid to ask," I groaned, hanging back. I didn't want to go anywhere near Sophia.
"We should go out riding around to that 7 eleven and get something to eat."
"That 7 eleven is like half an hour away."
"Road trip!" Col smiled. "Sophia, wanna come?"
"Uh, if you guys don't mind…" she said awkwardly, giving me a shy look.
"Of course we don't mind," Colleen insisted. " I just got to go upstairs, throw some clothes on, and we're off!"
"Col," I whined. "I don't feel like driving tonight."
"So, I'll drive. Give me a break, AJ, you're no fun."
"I am too," I pouted. "But I'm tired… you two go."
"Fine," Colleen shrugged. "No loss on our part," she said, sticking out her tongue at me.
"Ahh get outta here," I laughed, playfully shoving her out of the room.
"K, Sophia, I'll be down in a second," she called, before running up the stairs.
So there I was… alone in the kitchen with Sophia. I pretended to be fascinated with the magnets on the refrigerator, but I could still feel her eyes on me.
"Will you stop looking at me," I said quietly.
"Sorry," she muttered, shifting her eyes away.
"Why are you still wearing that?" I asked, pointing to the ring.
"I like it," she whispered.
"Brian hasn't given you one yet?"
"We've only been together 5 months."
"Oh. So once your relationship with him gets to 4 years… you gonna leave him at night and never come back?"
She gave me a hurt look as Col came running into the kitchen.
"Alrightie - off we go!"
"Have fun," I muttered, not caring if they did or not.
"Bye," Col said, kissing my cheek. "Don't wait up for us."
"Oh, I won't."
Colleen's View
"I don't know why AJ didn't wanna come - this is so much fun," I laughed, as I filled up my third slurpee cup. "I think I shall try Minute Maid Cherry this time…"
"No, don't," Sophia said, pulling the cup from my hands. "Tastes like shit."
"If you say so," I grinned. "So, you and Brian… how serious is the relationship?"
"Not so serious," she shrugged. "5 months… I care a lot about him, but we haven't said we loved each other or anything."
"Oh, I see," I said, boosting myself up on the counter. "And AJ… when did you two go out?"
She froze in her position and turned to give me a surprised look. "How… how'd you-"
"I'm a mind reader," I smiled.
"Oh, well that explains it," she mumbled.
"Nah, it's obvious… the way he's so nervous around you. Usually AJ's so friendly and flirty and you're a really pretty girl and he hasn't made a pass at you yet… that's how I know."
"Are you and AJ close?"
"Pretty close," I nodded. "I used to have this crush on him when I first started to date Nick… it drove him crazy!"
"Who - AJ or Nick?"
"Who do you think?!" I laughed. "Nick! Nah, but now he's my one and only… I love that guy," I smiled to myself.
"I didn't really get to meet him…"
"Oh, I'll introduce you two tomorrow. He's the absolute best."
"Sounds like you love him a lot."
"Damn, I really do. So anyway back to AJ. You thought you got away from my questions!"
"Col, it's crazy cuz I just met you, but I need to talk to someone and I can't tell Brian, and you're the next best thing…"
"Wow, this sounds good," I grinned. "Go ahead."
"Well, me and AJ grew up together. We went to the same elementary school, same high school… We dated for 4 years."
"Whoa… that's a long time."
"We talked about getting married and having kids… everything. And then one night we slept together and he gave me this ring," I said, lifting up my hand into her view.
"You still wear it?"
"Uh huh… he said as long as I wore this ring we'd end up together."
"So, uh, why'd ya end things?" I asked, my voice taking on a softer tone.
"Um, I left him the next morning before he woke up."
"You left him? Damn, I got the impression it was the other way around…"
"Yea, cuz I seem like I'm still in love with him, don't I?"
"Sorry, my dear, but you do… Are you?"
"I don't know… All I know is I'm never taking this ring off," she said, looking admiringly at the jewel on her finger.
"You're a weirdo, Sophia," I laughed. "But I like you… you're cool."
"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself," she smiled.
"Are you two ever gonna get out of here?" a man's voice asked.
I turned around to see the man behind the counter give us a strange look. "What is 7 eleven the new hang out?"
"Yep," I smiled sweetly. "Don't worry - we're going. Just one more slurpee each."
"Ugh, Col… I don't think I can have another one…"
"But, Sophia, you have to… otherwise our trip won't be complete!"
"Oh, fine," she gave in, filling her cup for the 4th time.
********************
"Nick," I whispered, shaking him forcefully.
"Stop," he groaned, burying his head into his pillow.
"Guess what I did tonight?" I said, climbing on top of him, my legs slung off the sides of his body.
"You woke up Nick from his peaceful sleep."
"That and something else! It was a very successful night!"
"Col, baby, unless you want sex, bother me tomorrow."
"Ugh, I hate guys," I said in disgust. "That's all you think about."
"Well, what else am I supposed to assume when you wake me up 5 in the morning? You're on top of me no less."
"Ok, I'll make a deal with you… if you listen to me I'll give you some action."
"Hmm… awfully hard to turn down… Ok," he agreed sitting up, so I was in his lap.
"Guess what but you gotta promise promise promise you're not going to tell anyone."
"What?"
"Before I tell you, do you promise?"
"Yep."
"Ok. Sophia was with AJ before she was with Brian."
"Your kidding," he laughed. "Does B know?"
"Uh uh. That's why AJ was acting so weird around her."
"He was acting weird around her?"
"Nick, you are soo unobservant."
"Sorry, I was probably too busy staring at you," he whispered, brushing my hair out of my eyes.
"Ok, enough talk," I mumbled before bringing my lips to his. I slowly pushed him back, helping him lift his shirt off.
"I like when you're on top of me," Nick grinned up at me. "But it does make me feel less manly, so you're gonna have to be underneath now," he laughed, rolling me over.
"No fair," I giggled as he pinned me down.
He gave me wet kisses all over my face and neck as I playfully struggled to get on top again. "Sorry babes but I've got atleast 60 pounds on ya!"
"Fine," I said, letting my arms fall limply to my sides.
"Not gonna try anymore?"
"Nope," I smiled. He loosened his grip on me and pressed his lips to mine. I took the first chance I got and flipped him over on his back. "Ha! You believed me!" I laughed, placing all my weight on his chest.
"Baby, you're unreal," he snickered.
"Don't ya just love me?"
"More then anything."
_Chapter 3_ *Brian's View*
"Ahh, don't you just love the morning?" I smiled happily, dishing out the eggs and toast I had made for everyone. 6 exhausted faces gave me annoyed looks.
"You're such a loser," Elyse mumbled, resting her head against Kevin's shoulder.
"I love you too, Elyse," I laughed. "Now come on everyone - eat your eggs. They're good for you."
"Looking at food this early in the morning makes me sick," Sophia groaned, pushing her plate away from her.
"Me too," Col agreed, emptying her food into Nick's plate.
"Thanks, baby," he grinned, giving her sloppy kiss.
"Eww… don't kiss me with food in your mouth!" she shrieked.
"Gross, Nick," Elyse said.
"Ugh, I just hate getting up," Colleen moaned.
"But you wake up every morning with me next to you - what could be better?" Nick asked with a cocky grin.
"Actually, this morning you were not next to me, you were on top of me. That was not comfortable, Mr. Carter."
"Damn, I wonder what you two could have been doing last night," I muttered.
"I was not on top of you!" Nick argued.
"Oh yes you were. All 200 pounds of you," she smirked.
"You guys woke me up this morning, ya know," Howie said. "5 am and I couldn't get back to sleep. What the fuck were you two doing in there anyway? I mean, I know what you were doing," he corrected himself. "But it was much louder than usual."
"Thank you for noticing," Nick said sarcastically. "Sophia, you gonna finish those eggs?"
"Nope. They're all yours."
"Thanks," he said before grabbing her plate and placing it in front of him.
"Eggs? Gross," AJ said, walking into the kitchen.
"You know I try to cook for you people and this is the thanks I get?" I whined. "Honestly, I'd like to see you try AJ."
"I could do better than eggs and toast," he yawned, collapsing down into his chair.
"Ok, then its settled… you're cooking breakfast tomorrow."
"Fine," he shrugged. "Nick, pass the coffee."
"Now let me see… who else complained about my meal…" I grinned, my eyes circling the table. "Sophia, baby, I'm sorry but I simply can not forget your comment about my food making you sick so you're going to have to help him."
"Bri, I was just kidding," she laughed. "It, um, looks like it would have tasted really good if Nick hadn't ate all of it."
"Hey, I did ask permission," Nick pointed out, in between mouthfuls of food.
"Sorry, it's settled: Sophia and AJ are making breakfast tomorrow," I announced.
"Baby, you know I can't cook," she mumbled, staring down at her plate.
"Neither can AJ. I can't wait til tomorrow morning," I snickered.
"This is trouble," I heard Nick whisper in Col's ear.
"Trouble?"
He gave me a surprised look. "Oh, ya heard me? Nah, I just think I'm gonna go out for breakfast tomorrow."
"No, you're not," AJ shook his head. "I'm a very good cook. You'll love it."
"Of course I will. And when I throw up just keep consoling yourself: it's not your cooking, it's not your cooking, it's not your-"
"Carter, you mind shutting your mouth?" AJ snapped, getting up to rinse out his plate and sit in the living room.
"Damn, what is with him," Howie muttered, as soon as AJ had disappeared.
"I don't know, but that kid is pissing me off," Kevin replied. "I'd just like to pound him," he clenched his teeth, while forming a fist with his hand.
"He was fine until you came, Bri," Howie joked. "What'd ya do to him?"
"I dunno," I shrugged. "Maybe he's just jealous I have a girlfriend."
"You're closer than you think," Nick laughed.
"Nick, shut up," Col attacked him, punching him in the shoulder.
"Ouch! Damn, girl, I slipped - sorry."
"Slipped on what? What are you guys talking about?" I asked, completely confused.
"Nothing. You know Nick's not all there," Col answered, tapping his forehead.
"Yep, that must be it," he said with a stupid smile. "Nick Carter just isn't that bright."
"Well, you're good in bed so that makes up for it," Colleen grinned, giving him a quick kiss.
"Wow, Col. You know just what to say to a guy," he rolled his eyes, but it didn't stop him from returning the kiss.
"Ok, you two… take it to the bedroom, will ya?" Kevin pleaded with them. "I'm in no mood to see this so early in the morning."
"Oh, but it's cute," Sophia smiled.
"Just wait a few weeks - it wont be so cute anymore," Elyse said before tossing her plate in the sink and walking out of the room.
We all waited for her to leave the room before turning to stare at Kevin.
"What??" he asked, an annoyed look on his face.
"Reporting live from Orlando, Florida," Nick mimicked in a news reporters tone, holding his hand up as a microphone, "Kevin has still received no sex from his longtime girlfriend."
Colleen and Sophia started to laugh hysterically and I couldn't keep an amused smile off of my face.
"Ugh, Nick… shut up," he groaned, walking hurriedly out of the kitchen.
I stared around at the table… now it was only the 5 of us.
"Guess I should go after him," Howie said, reluctantly getting up.
Ok… the 4 of us.
*Nick's View*
"I'm bored. I'm really really bored. I'm so bored," I began to sing.
"Wow - that's brilliant, Nick. That could be the next single," Sophia giggled.
"Yea, and I just thought it up now… I swear, I amaze myself sometimes…"
"Oh, you amaze all of us, believe me," Brian sighed.
"So, what are we doing today?" Col asked.
"Hanging out…" Brian mumbled.
"Brian, you are so boring! Sophia, how can you stand him?"
"Dunno," she smiled at Brian. "It's just he's so damn adorable," she said, pinching his cheek.
"No, no, no," I shook my head. "I am the adorable one. Brian's the shy one."
"Yes, that would be me," he grinned cheesily.
"And Kevin's the 'father figure'," I continued, enjoying myself. "Howie's the peacemaker. And AJ's the rebel, now aren't ya?" I called out.
"Fuck off," AJ replied from the other room.
"Yep, that would be the rebel. Only the rebel would dare to say such a horrible word."
"Nick, watch yourself," Colleen whispered.
"And Col, Sophia, and Elyse are the girlfriends. They have a ton of websites dedicated to how they can be destroyed. Col, how does it feel to have a million girls wanting you dead?" I asked, shoving my hand into her face.
"It's funny," Col played along, talking into my hand. "Cuz why would they be jealous of me? They should be sorry for me… I mean, I'm with the ugliest dumbest guy in the universe."
"Wrong answer!" I cried out, making a hurt face. "Sophia, how do you feel about girls writing stories about killing you off?"
"I think it's cool… very cool."
"Um, yes, and what drugs are you on? Brian, can I ask you a few questions?"
"Ugh, Nick, go make some friends…"
"How does it feel to be famous?"
"It's a wonderful wonderful feeling. Now I'm gonna go kill myself. Don't follow me," he said, walking out the door.
"Wow. There ya go folks. Brian Littrell has had it up to here with fame. He is ending his life as we speak!"
"Nick, baby, please shut up," Col begged.
"No, come on, Col, this is fun," I laughed.
"Only to you, Nick. Only to you," she trailed off, following Brian.
"Ok, Sophia, it's just you and me. Now, may I ask if you and Brian have slept together yet?"
She sighed before patting me on the shoulder and leaving me all alone at the table.
"Nick, how does it feel to be alone?" I asked myself.
"Nick, you're a crazy fuck you know that?" AJ asked, returning to the kitchen to get a beer from the fridge.
"Yep, I know. AJ, can I ask you a question?"
"Get that hand out of my fuckin face."
"Oh, um, sorry," I said, dropping my arms to my side.
"Ok, well I'm waiting for your question…" he said impatiently.
"Oh," I grinned. "I was afraid you were gonna deck me."
"Well, I figure I should be nice and play with the kids, ya know?"
"Umm… yea…," I trailed off. "Anyways - did you have sex with Sophia?"
"W-what?" he stuttered, spitting up a mouthful of beer.
"I know, man."
"Yep, lost my virginity to her. Will that help your interview?"
"Why, yes. That was the most informative answer of the day!"
"Thought so," he smiled, before tossing me a beer.
"Can't, man. Wish I could… I'm underage."
"So?"
"Col would kill me," I said, handing the bottle back to him.
"Suit yourself," he shrugged, losing interest in me.
"Oh, but Nick, can I ask you a question?" he grinned, before leaving again.
"Yep."
"How does it feel to be a loser?"
_Chapter 4_ *Sophia's View*
"Morning," I yawned, walking into the kitchen to find AJ slumped down on a chair.
"It's too early," he groaned, opening the fridge door. "But we might as well get this over with…"
"What should we make?" I asked, joining him.
"Whatever's in here," he mumbled, digging through all the contents. "Which is nothing!"
"Would it be cheating if we went out and got something…"
He looked up to give me a small smile. "Yes, it would."
"Do you really care?"
"Nope, let's go," he said, grabbing his keys and escorting me out of the door.
"We'll just get bagels and shit," I said, as we started to drive towards Dunkin Donuts.
"Uh huh. Listen, Nick knows."
"Knows what? That we're getting bagels?" I asked, an amused grin on my face.
"Sophia… no," he shook his head, giving me strange look. "He knows we used to be together."
"Oh," I said quietly. "Yea, I kinda told Col…"
"Figured that out. Look, I don't care as long as Brian doesn't find out."
"Why are you so afraid of Brian knowing?"
"Just don't tell him, alright?"
"Alright," I sighed, beginning to absentmindedly play with the ring again, sliding it on and off my finger.
"Got any money on you?"
"Huh? Um, no, don't think so," I said, searching my pockets.
"Well, I see nothing has changed," he muttered.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nah, it's just you never carry any money around. You just expect the other person to pay for you. It's a nasty habit."
"Well sorry," I rolled my eyes. "I didn't know Dunkin Donuts was too much of an expense for a Backstreet Boy."
"You just don't get it," he mumbled, pulling into the parking lot.
"You can stay here…" he said, about to slam the car door shut.
"Wait - aren't you gonna ask me what I want?"
"I know what you want: a Boston cream. That's what you always get."
"What if my taste changed."
"Fine," he sighed. "What kind of donut do you want?"
"Boston cream will do," I smiled. He gave me a dirty look before disappearing into the store.
*AJ's View*
Ugh, she's such a bitch… so why can't I stop staring at her? I was in love with her when she left me, and I still am. It doesn't seem to matter what she does to me or how much she hurts me… I just keep feeling this way.
"K, I got two Boston Creams… one for the road," I said, handing her one on a napkin, "and one for later when we eat with everyone else."
"Thanks, AJ," she smiled, leaning over to give me a kiss on the cheek.
Without thinking I tilted my head so that her lips met mine instead. She immediately pulled away, giving me a shy look. "What was that?"
"Nothing," I shook my head, starting up the car.
"AJ, you kissed me."
"Nope, didn't." I don't know what had come over me. I hadn't meant to kiss her. I wasn't going to admit to anything I didn't understand myself.
"AJ, I know what a kiss is," she laughed softly.
"Listen, I didn't fuckin kiss you, alright?" I said, annoyed. Not so much with her… I was annoyed with myself. How could I have let that happen?
"Alright," she whispered, staring straight ahead.
"And would you please take that fucking ring off?"
"What?" she asked, surprised. "Why?"
"Because I don't like you wearing it."
"Fine," she muttered, slipping it off her finger and dropping it into her pants pocket.
"Thank you," I sighed, taking a quick glance at her face. She was staring out her window, but I could tell she was upset.
"It's just, ya know… it doesn't look good on you."
"Just fuck off, will you?" she mumbled, jumping out of the car as we pulled up to the house.
*Brian's View*
"You cheated," I smiled as Sophia walked into the kitchen with a Dunkin Donuts bag.
"Yea, I know - sorry," she said quietly, taking a seat next to me.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing… nothing…"
"Was AJ being nasty again?"
"No, no, it's not that…"
"Look, I see the way he's treating you. I don't understand what's wrong with him. He doesn't even know you and he's giving you this whole attitude. I do plan on talking to him about it."
"You don't have to," she said.
"No, I will. I'm not going to let him treat my girl like that."
She gave me a small smile as I cupped her chin, pulling her face closer to my own. I began to lightly kiss her as AJ charged through the doorway.
He glanced at us quickly, before busying himself around the kitchen. "B, coffee?"
"Uh huh," I mumbled in between kisses. Sophia crawled into my lap and placed her hands on my chest. I felt myself being turned on as the kissing got more serious.
"Wanna go upstairs?" I asked, while lightly biting on her ear.
"No, that's alright," she said, slowly pushing me away.
"It'd be more comfortable up there…" I said, continuing to try and persuade her.
"She said she didn't want to, Brian!" AJ said angrily, slamming a cup down in front of me.
"I heard her," I snapped, becoming angry myself. This was none of his business!
"Yet, you're not respecting her decision. She's not ready, asshole! Why don't you try listening."
"I wasn't going to force her," I argued, turning to glare at him.
"Listen, guys, can you just stop?" Sophia asked wearily, getting up from my lap. "I'm going to go tell the others its time for breakfast."
"You're such an ass," I muttered, once she was out of the room.
"Why? I ruined your chances of pushing her into something she didn't want to do?"
"For the last time, I wasn't going to force her."
"Whatever, B, I'm watching you."
"What do you care anyway? What does it matter to you?"
"I just don't want to see her taken advantage of," he shrugged.
"Why? Any other girl and you'd be like, 'Oh, way to go B. Tell me when you score,'" I said, mimicking his voice.
"Yea, well Sophia's different," he mumbled, before everyone started to come in.
"I knew AJ wouldn't actually cook," Colleen grinned noticing the plate of donuts on the table. "But I must say… it is much better to not take a chance and go with the professionals."
"Like myself," I added, beginning to get back my good mood.
"Noooo… like Dunkin Donuts."
We continued the meal like always with only a few cold stares from AJ. Sophia didn't seem to be upset with me so I wasn't worried. Honestly, there was no reason for her to be. I wouldn't have done anything she didn't want. I just figured she'd taken that ring off for a reason…
_Chapter 5_ *Sophia's View*
"Want me to turn out the light?" Brian asked. We had been sitting in bed just talking for hours, but my eyes were beginning to close.
"If you don't mind."
"Nah, I need some rest." Darkness filled the room and I welcomed Brian's strong arms as they pulled me closer to his body. I kissed his lips good night and snuggled up to his chest.
I had almost thought he'd fallen asleep when his voice interrupted the silence, "Sophia, are you happy with me?"
"Mmmhmm…"
"Then why won't you sleep with me?"
His question made me sit straight up, pulling away from his grasp. I was so sick of being bothered about this… couldn't he just take "no" for an answer.
"Because I'm not ready."
"When will you be ready?" he asked, his head propped up on one elbow.
"Is sex all you care about?!" I screamed out.
"No, of course not. I'm just asking…"
"Yea, well why don't you stop," I snapped angrily. "I'm sick and tired of you pressuring me."
"I'm not pressuring you," he insisted.
"Look, I don't know what you call it, but I call it pressuring. And I'd really appreciate it if you stop."
"Well, how long did you wait til you slept with your last boyfriend?"
"I don't have to answer that," I mumbled, throwing on a robe and climbing out of bed.
"Is it that you don't trust me?"
"Brian, it's not that," I sighed. "Will you please stop questioning me?"
"But what is it?" he cried out, desperately. "Just tell me… Why is it that you don't want us to sleep together?"
"Brian, just leave me alone!" I shouted, tears of frustration forming in my eyes. I ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. I made my way down the stairs, not caring how loud my footsteps were.
I followed the sound of TV coming from the living room, finding AJ asleep on the couch, a large blanket flung over him.
I didn't want to wake him, but I needed someone to talk to. And who knew me better than AJ. Who was a better listener than AJ. Maybe things weren't exactly comfortable between us lately, but that didn't cover up the fact that there was no one else in the world that we cared about more than we cared about each other.
"AJ," I whispered, shaking him by the shoulders. "AJ…"
"Huh? What do you want?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes and clearing his throat.
"I'm sorry, I just… I need someone to talk to…"
"That's what Brian's for."
"But it's about Brian."
He sighed, before clearly focusing on my unhappy face. "You've got some guts, Sophia. You've got some guts to use my shoulder to cry on after what you put me through."
"AJ, leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made. I loved you so much and you loved me and that scared me. We were too happy together, things were too perfect, and it scared me."
"How is that scary?! I thought it was the most wonderful feeling in the world… to know the person you loved more than anything felt the same way."
"It is, but it makes you wonder. Makes you wonder if you really deserve that happiness. Makes you wonder how long it's going to last."
"So you left me because you didn't feel you deserved me?" he asked, a look of disbelief on his face.
"Yea. I didn't like myself so I couldn't understand how you could."
"But I told you I loved you… I told you I didn't want anyone else," he whispered, pulling me down to sit on the edge of the couch.
"I couldn't help thinking you'd find someone better, and you wouldn't be able to go with her because of me. I didn't want you to commit your life to me. Made me feel guilty. Like I'd taken away your freedom."
"Baby, you could have told me this a long time ago," he sighed. "You just left without explaining. That's what hurt me so much."
"I realized right away that leaving you was the wrong decision… that we could have talked about it and worked it out. That risking both of our happiness wasn't necessary, but I felt it was too late. I couldn't face you after doing something so horrible."
"But here we are… face to face a year later."
"I know," I said quietly.
"And you put the ring on again…"
"I did?" I stared down at my finger. "I must have done it without even thinking…"
He motioned for me to get under the blanket with him, and I sat as close to him as I could, pulling the blanket up to my throat.
"You've been wearing the ring all this time?"
"It gave me hope that we'd end up together somehow."
"But how could we if you never answered my calls, if you made it impossible for me to find you?"
"I figured if we were meant to be together it would just happen."
"And it did," he said, reaching out to take my hand.
I looked into his eyes and said a silent prayer of thanks. He still loved me. I saw the same fire in his eyes I saw the night he'd given me the ring. After a whole year it hadn't flickered out.
"Why were you upset when you woke me up?"
"Brian was bothering me about not having sex with him again," I sighed.
"That asshole! What is his problem…"
"I don't know, but he makes me feel like something's wrong with me. Maybe something is. But I can't help it, I'm not ready to experience something as serious as sex with him now… or ever."
"Why's that?"
"I don't feel strongly enough about him to give myself away."
"I understand," he nodded. "Don't let him pressure you, baby. You do what you want… what you feel is right. Don't pay attention to what anyone else says."
"I should do what I feel is right?"
"That's the only way to go… It's the only way you'll be happy."
"Ok then," I whispered, before bringing my lips to his. I began to gently kiss him, taking it as slow as possible, enjoying every second. He brought his hands up to hold my head as he deepened the kiss.
"You sure this is what you want?" he mumbled, as I began to take off my shirt. "
I'm sure," I nodded.
We explored each other tenderly, only wanting to please the other one. I remembered everything he'd liked… everything that turned him on, and I used it all to make it up to him.
"Still sure that was what you wanted?" he whispered in my ear, when it was over.
"I'm sure," I smiled, brushing my lips against his.
"You going to spend the night down here?"
"Well, yea. I don't want to go back next to Brian."
"Well then why don't you just come to my room with me?"
"Isn't Howie in there?"
"He's good with secrets… he won't tell."
"Maybe I should just sleep out here on the couch…"
"Please?"
I looked up into his pleading brown eyes and couldn't resist them. "Ok."
We got dressed and walked up the stairs hand in hand. AJ opened the door slowly, peeking his head in. "D, keep it low, alright?"
"What?" I heard him ask curiously before I slipped into the room, still clutching AJ's hand.
"Oh," he nodded. "Ok."
"Thanks," AJ said, flashing him a small smile.
"You tired?" he asked, turning to me.
"Yea… can we just go to sleep?"
"Sure," he said, pulling the covers down from his bed. I got right in, and he laid down next to me. "I love you," he whispered, kissing my forehead.
"I love you too," I sighed happily, closing my eyes and letting sleep take over me.
_Chapter 6_ *Howie's View*
"Sophia, honey, you're going to have to get up," I said, gently shaking Sophia's body. "Everybody's downstairs with breakfast."
She groaned as she turned over on her side, "What time?"
"10. I know you must have had a, uh, busy night, but if you don't wake up now there will be no more cereal left in the house. Trust me on that one," I laughed, starting to pull the covers off of her.
"Alright, alright," she mumbled, pulling herself up. "Where's AJ?"
"Downstairs."
"Why didn't he wait for me?"
"That would be way too obvious. I see you've never done this before," I said with a grin.
"Done what?" She gave me a confused look as she dug for her slippers under the bed.
"Well, you're with Brian and you're having an affair with AJ-"
"I'm not having an affair with AJ!"
"Oh, you're not…?"
"You act like having an affair is so normal," she laughed.
"Hey, it happens… I wake up and find Kevin's girlfriend in Brian's bed… it happens."
"Whatever you say!"
"So, this isn't an affair, huh?"
"No, it's not like that…," she muttered.
"Then what is it like?" I was dying to hear the full story. Little bits and pieces here and there, but I still didn't understand the whole Sophia and AJ significance.
"I mean, yea, I'm with Brian," she said slowly. "But I love AJ."
"Affair either way," I shrugged. "But, honestly, how can you learn to love someone in less than a week?"
"Nah, I've known AJ forever. We went out for four years. It's not like I just met him."
"You're the girl?" My mouth dropped open at the thought.
"What girl?" she asked nervously.
"The girl that left him? That made him so sick and heartbroken he couldn't eat for days? You're the girl?!"
She backed up a little due to the harshness of my voice. "Look, you don't have to make me feel sorry for what I did, I'm already sorry. I was stupid and weak… that's why I left him. But I never stopped caring for him… I never stopped loving him."
"You put him through a hell of a year," I shook my head angrily. "Why'd he ever take you back?"
"I don't know." Her voice was barely above a whisper now.
"Anyway… like I said, breakfast is down there," I said, my voice suddenly cold.
"OK."
*Sophia's View*
AJ glanced up as I walked into the room, but nothing more than that. No smile, no special look in his eyes. I wanted to sit next to him at the table, but I was in the middle of some make-believe game. I had to pretend I was Brian's girlfriend, I didn't know AJ, and nothing had ever gone on between us. I wasn't the lying type. I would rather be honest and upfront with everyone, but AJ was just the opposite.
I took the only empty seat next to Brian, with everyone's eyes on me. Some knew, some thought they knew, some had just heard me and Brian had fought. Brian never took his eyes off of me as I sat down in my chair. I tried not to look into his pleading eyes, but I couldn't help it. I was drawn to them. He looked horrible… looked like he hadn't gotten a minute of sleep.
"Look, I'm really sorry," he whispered.
I just focused on pouring cereal into my bowl. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn't know what to say to him.
Everyone was having their own little conversations now. Col and Nick were arguing about something… as usual… they'd be making out in a second. Elyse and Kevin were talking softly to each other, but he was smiling so it must be going good. Howie seemed to be asking AJ about me, but I couldn't tell since they were on the opposite side of the table. AJ kept looking over and would then look away when he caught my eyes.
"Sophia, talk to me," Brian begged. I finally turned to meet his sad dark blue eyes.
"I'm really sorry. Really really sorry."
"Really really really sorry!" Nick added from across the table.
"Shut up, man," Brian snapped, before turning back to me.
"Brian, it's just… I believe sex is about love. I don't think you see it like that."
"Of course I do," he nodded. My heart stopped a second as he said that.
"What… um, what do ya mean, Brian?"
"I love you… simple as that."
The sincerity and warmth in his voice was too real… he wasn't just saying it. And at that moment if he had asked me to go upstairs with him, I would have. I was getting the cold shoulder from AJ… whether or not it was an act, and I didn't like it. I had wanted to just come clean with what had happened… he knew that. And if he wouldn't tell Brain… well then I would.
"Bri, can we go somewhere else?"
He gave me a hopeful look. "The bedroom?"
"Brian!"
"Just kidding, just kidding," he laughed, taking my hand and leading me out of the room.
*Kevin's View*
"Guess they made up," I said, shoving a spoonful of cereal into my mouth. We had all been having our own conversations, but that was just a cover up to watch everything those two said without them noticing. We'd become experts. We would just say anything that came to mind, even if it made no sense and it looked like we were deep in conversation. Meanwhile we were all seeing Brian's attempts to get Sophia to forgive him.
AJ gave me a sharp look before turning to mumble something to Howie.
"Let that be a lesson to you all… if you ever fight and you want your girl to forgive you just say 'I love you' and off to the bedroom you go!" Nick laughed to himself.
"Well, he meant it, didn't he?" Col asked.
"I don't think so," Nick said, shaking his head. "I think that was just the only thing he could come up with at the moment that would calm her down."
"What?" AJ asked, raising his voice slightly. "He just told her he loved her when he didn't?"
"Oh yea, like you've never done it before," Nick rolled his eyes.
"You better not have," Colleen threatened, poking Nick in the chest.
"Not to you," he smiled sweetly. "But in his life, every guy has told a girl he loved her just to try to get her in bed."
"Jerks!" Elyse screamed out. "Oh, I hate guys!"
"I wouldn't do that," Kevin insisted. "That's awful…"
"Yea, I've never done that either," AJ said, turning to look at Howie. "You?"
"Nope," Howie shook his head.
"Ok, let's pretend I never said anything," Nick muttered, his face turning red.
"I don't think Brian and Sophia went to the bedroom," AJ announced. "She probably brought him to another room to scream the shit out of him."
"What makes you so sure?" Elyse asked.
"She doesn't seem like the type that would buy that bs from him, that's all," he shrugged.
"I bought it," Col said. "It sounded real to me."
"Me too," Elyse nodded.
"Nah, totally false," Howie disagreed.
"Definitely," Nick nodded. "His worst performance ever."
"Damn, guys are liars," Col muttered.
*Brian's View*
"Ok, we're away from them," I smiled, as we entered the den. "What'd ya have in mind?" I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to my body.
"Brian, I wanted to talk…"
"Oh, ok," I sighed, letting go of her and falling down onto a chair.
"I have to tell you something."
I looked up at her questioningly, waiting for her to go on.
"Brian, before I was with you, I was with AJ."
"You were?" I asked, 100% shocked. I had never seen that one coming.
"4 years of my life," she sighed.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried to… the first day we came here and I saw he was in the group, but he stopped me."
"Oh," I said quietly. "Well, that's ok… I mean, it must be weird between you two, but it doesn't affect our relationship in any way."
"Yea, it sorta does…," she trailed off.
"How?"
"Well, when I left him I was still in love with him."
"Oh," I said, swallowing hard. "And now?"
"I still do."
"Oh."
"But listen, if you love me…"
"Yea?"
"If you love me… that changes things."
"It does?"
She nodded. "Do you really?"
I looked into her eyes and knew I didn't. I had only been in love once and this wasn't it. But then I looked her body over. Maybe if I said I did… she'd go farther than if I didn't.
"Yep, I do. And, Sophia, I asked AJ the first day we were here if something was going on between you two because I did notice you two acted strange around each other and he said that you two went out for a little while, but you were nothing special… just another girl he used to get some," I lied through my teeth.
The hurt in her eyes startled me, but I couldn't turn back now. "He said you were obsessed with him and he had to cut things off with you. He warned me the sex wouldn't be good and everything, but I don't care about that," I said, taking her hand. "All I know is that I love you and I want to be as close to you as possible."
Tears were beginning to form in her eyes. "He… he said that?"
"I'm sorry, honey," I mumbled, trying to seem as sympathetic as possible.
"Well, I guess… I guess I should go with the guy that cares about me," she said, stumbling with the words.
"Guess so," I smiled, opening up my arms for her to run into.
She cried into my chest as I soothingly stroked her hair. "I know… he's a jerk, Sophia… Shhh…"
Without warning she lifted up her head and gave me a long stare through her tear-stained eyes. I gave her a warm smile and I was answered by a long kiss.
"You ready now?" I mumbled as her kissing became more forceful.
"Uh huh," she smiled weakly as I picked her up and brought her into the spare guest room to our right. Finally. I've waited a long time for this… it better be as good as I imagine.
_Chapter 7_ *Sophia's View*
I shuddered as I left the room with Brian's sleeping body. He had fallen asleep after we… after we… I bit down on my lip unable to admit it. Even if it was to myself. Dammit, what had I done? I didn't love Brian. I was so upset over hearing about AJ… so desperate for someone to love me.
I bumped into Colleen as she was coming down the stairs to the den.
"You ok, babe?" she asked, a concerned look on her face.
"Yea, I, uh, I think I'm gonna pack my stuff and head home."
"Head home?! Sophia, the tour didn't even start up yet!"
"I can't stay anymore," I shook my head.
"What happened with Brian…?"
"I slept with him," I was able to choke out before bursting into tears. "I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to. I'm so stupid."
"Oh my God…," she sighed. "He got to you, huh?"
"I feel so bad for him! I mean, the poor guy… he loves me and just wants the best for me… and I sleep with him when I don't feel the same."
"Sophia, stop feeling bad for him this very second!" she said, sternly.
"What? Why? How can you say that…"
"He's a fuckin bull shitter! He just told you he loved you to get you into bed. He's a lousy bastard. Don't give him another second of your pity!"
"He… he what?" My mouth dropped open as I let it all in. "He lied?"
"Ohhh I hate him," Col muttered angrily. "Sophia, go to AJ… he's the one you should be with."
"Brian was telling me how AJ never really cared for me, that-"
"Bull shit! It was all part of Brian's sick plan to get some. Son of a bitch…"
"So what he told me about AJ was a lie too?!" I screamed out. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I didn't know who was honest with me, and who just wanted to get something out of me.
"Sophia, trust me. I talked with AJ… he loves you more than anything in this whole world."
"I know that, I knew that," I sobbed. "Why did I ever listen to Brian…"
"You trusted him and he's a good actor. It wasn't your fault, Sophia. Anybody else would have been tricked too. The important thing is to forget about him, not give him a second more of your time, and just concentrate on AJ."
I nodded, tears still flowing from my eyes. "I gotta go find him… does he know?"
"He's got a pretty good idea…"
"Dammit," I whispered. "This is so unfair… I was tricked, I…"
"Tell him that," she urged me. "He'll understand…"
*AJ's View*
I can't believe she believed Brian's bull… I ran after her… I was going to warn her, and then I heard them. I swear, I'm never going down into the den again.
"AJ," I heard her voice from behind me. I just wanted to be alone, but I had a feeling if we didn't talk now I'd just keep putting it off and putting it off.
"Baby, I know," I sighed.
"He tricked me…"
"But you thought he loved you and you slept with him?! Why the fuck would you sleep with him if you didn't love him?"
"Cuz he told me this shit about you…"
"Huh?" I asked, turning to give her a confused look.
"He said you told him that I was nothing to special to you and that you were just using me to get some."
"And you believed him?! How could you believe something like that?"
"I didn't realize at the time he was basing the story on himself."
"Still…"
"I don't know… he just… he got me at the worst time, he knew exactly what to say to get to me. He used all of my fears and weaknesses. I'm so sorry." "
That fucker," I mumbled angrily. "I hate him for doing this to you."
"It doesn't matter…," she said softly. "I love you AJ."
"I know you do."
"I want to be with you…"
"I know."
She gave me a strange look. This was the part where I was supposed to pull her into my arms and tell her I loved her and we could be together now. That we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. That was what I was supposed to say.
"I think it might be a good idea if you packed your stuff and went home," I said quietly.
She didn't answer, and I didn't look back at her. The room was completely silent. I would have thought she'd left without me noticing if it weren't for the faint sound of her breathing.
I waited… waited for anything. Waited for her to cry, waited for her to argue. Waited for something. But nothing came.
"Alright, give me one last kiss," she finally said, her voice surprisingly strong.
"Wait… what?" I started to say before she brought her lips to mine. She made it short and sweet… the kind she knew made me want more, but she didn't wait for me to change my mind, she quickly walked out the door.
I didn't move from my position for the rest of the day. I heard her drag her suitcases down the stairs, I heard her saying goodbye to Col, Elyse, and Nick… and I heard a car pull away. But I didn't move. Something amazingly powerful was keeping me still, not letting me move. The same thing had made me suggest that she leave. I think it was my common sense… She'd hurt me before, I knew she'd hurt me again. And in my mind I was content. But something kept stabbing at my heart. Kept jabbing it and jabbing it… A strange wave of helplessness came over me. I didn't have any control over myself anymore.
My hand fumbled around in the drawer next to me. Only my hand. The rest of my body was frozen in place. I felt the cold metal and slowly pulled the object out. I always knew I was going to do this someday, but why now? Why now when everything could go exactly the way I had always hoped and dreamed it would?
"I don't want to do this," I mumbled to myself. "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself as I raised the gun up, pressing its tip into the side of my forehead.
"I could be so happy if I wanted. I could call her right now and we could spend the rest of our lives together. Don't shoot," I begged. Why was I begging myself? I had no control.
"Oh my God, AJ! Don't!" Col screamed, running up from behind me and knocking the gun out of my hands. "What the fuck do you think your doing?!" Her face was twisted in a pained position, her hands trembling where she had hit the weapon.
"I don't know," I said, completely dazed with what had just happened. "I'm going to sleep now. Night."
I looked once more into her worried face, before closing my eyes. Sleep came easy.
_Chapter 8_ *Colleen's View*
I sat on the kitchen chair nervously playing with my hands.
"Nick, I'm so scared," I said, my voice weak.
"Baby, he'll be fine," Nick said comfortingly, coming up from behind me to massage my shoulders.
Nick's never serious, always joking around, but when I told him about AJ's suicide attempt it was if the permanent grin he wore was smacked of his face. He got pale and his eyes grew wide. I had never remembered seeing him so scared. Sure, AJ hadn't been himself for awhile, but none of us knew he was hurting enough to want to end his life.
"We should have paid more attention to him," I whispered. "We're his friends, we should have realized something was seriously wrong."
"It's not our fault, honey," he mumbled, leaning down to kiss my head. "AJ hides his feelings… there was no way to know…"
We froze in our positions as AJ walked into the room. Neither one of us knew how to act in front of him now. We didn't know what to say. He walked up and opened the refrigerator as if nothing was wrong, as if it was any other day.
"AJ, you ok?" I asked slowly.
"Fine. Just needed some sleep," he muttered.
"Ok," I said, not wanting to argue and risk upsetting him more.
"AJ, maybe… maybe you should go see someone to talk to, or-" Nick began to suggest.
"I'm not going to see any fuckin shrink if that's what your implying," he snapped. "I'm fine."
"AJ, you're not fine," Nick said gently.
"I am," he insisted, taking a slug of water.
Nick gave me a helpless look as he took the seat next to mine.
"AJ, tell us what's bothering you…"
"Nothing is bothering me! I swear! Stop worrying about me."
"You tried to kill yourself," I trembled. "I knocked a gun out of your hands."
"I wasn't going to shoot," he said quietly.
"It was pressed against your forehead! AJ, tell me what's wrong," I said, before beginning to cry.
"Don't cry," he pleaded with me, bending down so that his face was level with mine. "Look at me."
I turned away, trying to wipe the tears from my eyes.
"I said look at me," he repeated, cupping my chin and turning my head to look at him. "I'm fine. I'm just fine."
I couldn't answer, I was crying too hard. Nick took over for me.
"Until you tell us what's wrong we can't help you."
"I don't need you to help me!" he screamed out in frustration. "I'm fine!"
Nick gave him a long look, before AJ finally gave in, collapsing in the chair opposite me.
"Life's just not worth living when you have to go through this much pain," he announced, looking straight into Nick's and then my eyes.
"What pain?" Nick urged him on.
"Everyone I've ever loved in my life has left me. Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how much it hurts when the one person you can't live without leaves you without warning?"
He waited for us to answer, we waited for him to continue.
"Well, I'll tell you I'm stronger than you both think I am. My father left me, but I got over that, didn't I? It took a long time… a long time before I finally let it sink in that he was never coming back. That he didn't want me. But I pulled myself together. And then when Sophia left me… that was even harder cause I was older than… I knew what it was like to really love and care about somebody so much you'd do anything not to lose them. But even then, I stayed strong. But she's gone again. For the second time she's gone! I… I can't be strong anymore," he said, his voice beginning to falter. "I just can't."
"AJ, you don't have to be strong in front of us, just hold on. Don't give up. She loves you. She wants to be with you."
"But I let her go," he mumbled sadly. "I can't believe I let her go."
"You were just hurt about Brian, that's all," Nick said softly.
"Still, I could have had her and I let her go. That's why I tried to end it all. Life's just not worth living without her."
"AJ, all you have to do is ask her to come back and she'll say 'yes' in a heartbeat."
"You think?"
"I don't think - I know," I said, giving him a small smile.
"In fact," Nick said, looking down at his watch. "She should be here any second."
AJ and I both gave him a puzzled look and Nick's usual grin returned to his face. "I called her the second Col told me what happened."
"Thanks Nick," AJ smiled. "I appreciate it."
"No prob."
Just at that moment, someone began pounding at the door.
"What did I tell ya?" Nick laughed, disappearing into the hallway.
Sophia came racing into the room and ran up to hug AJ.
"Thank God you're ok," she said, her voice out-of-breath.
"I'm fine, baby. I'm just fine," he said, stroking her hair and tightening his grip around her.
*AJ's View*
"I'm never leaving you again. Not ever," she whispered in my ear, as I held her close.
"Good," I sighed, pulling away to kiss her lips. "Even if I tell you to go… don't. I might say it, but I don't mean it." I kissed the tip of her nose as I whispered, "Not ever."
I saw Col motion for Nick to leave out of the corner of my eye.
"No, I wanna watch," he whined, flashing me a big smile.
"Get out of here!" I shouted, playfully.
"We're going," Col laughed, grabbing Nick's hand and walking out of the room.
"I'm so glad you're here," I said, focusing in on Sophia's face.
"You scared me half to death," she sighed, sitting down in my lap. "What the fuck were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking. I just couldn't face not having you in my life."
"Then why'd you tell me to go?"
"I felt that's what I had to do. I was wrong. I was so wrong," I whispered, beginning to gently bite her lower lip.
"AJ, never scare me like that again. Do you promise me?"
"I promise."
"Good," she said quietly, running her fingers up and down my arm. "I love you way too much to ever lose you."
At that moment Brian entered the room. Nothing could have spoiled the moment more than that. Sophia refused to look at him and laid her head on my chest. I held her close to me and glared at him. "Do you mind?"
"Sophia, what are you doing with him?" Brian asked, a confused look on his face.
"Leave me alone," she mumbled, still not looking up.
"You know she slept with me," he said, grinning at me.
"Everyone makes mistakes," I smiled back, kissing Sophia's head. "You want to go somewhere else?"
"Yea," she whispered, getting off of me.
"So, what… you're with him now?" Brian asked her, a disgusted look on his face.
"Yep. I was always with him," she said, raising her ring finger into his view.
"Bitch," he muttered, turning to leave the room.
"What did you call her?!" I screamed, grabbing him by the shoulders and spinning him around to face me.
"Nothing."
"I heard you, asshole! Don't you ever, ever call her that!" I threatened him, pushing him up against the wall.
"AJ, let's just go," Sophia pleaded, pulling my arm back.
"Yea, the two of you just go! Get the fuck out of my way," Brian snapped, pulling out of my grip and walking out of the kitchen.
"I hate that guy so much," I shook my head.
"Forget about him," she said, beginning to kiss my neck. "Concentrate on us."
"I'd be glad to," I smiled as she took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
_Chapter 9_ *Sophia's View*
"Remember that time you brought me to the beach at like 4 in the morning," I laughed. "We were both so drunk we just fell asleep on the sand."
"You were so drunk!" AJ corrected me with a smile. "I was just doin my job… bringing the lady to a quite place where she could sleep."
"You were drunk too, you liar!" I screamed out, throwing a pillow at his shoulder.
"Denial, Denial," he sighed. He flashed me a quick grin before I reached out for another pillow.
"Will you two shut up?" Howie moaned from the bed next to us. "It's 5 in the morning… I need some sleep."
"So do we, but you don't see us complaining," AJ laughed.
"Baby, you sure you're not a little drunk now?" I grinned.
"Just a little," he said, trying to make his voice slur. "Like, this much," he said measuring his two hands about a centimeter apart.
"That's what I thought. Howie's right… we should get some sleep," I joked.
"I'm not drunk. Haven't touched a drop of liquor. Guess I'm just drunk on you," he said giving me a huge smile.
"Guess I'm just drunk on you… hmm, gonna have to remember that one…," Howie mumbled from underneath the covers.
"Shut up, man," AJ shrieked, smacking a pillow down on top of him.
"Ow, dammit, AJ. I don't care what anyone says - I'm not being your roommate on tour! No way no how. I can't get any sleep, I'm completely dragged into your social life-"
"Let's go," AJ whispered to me, as Howie continued to talk.
"Ok," I giggled, sneaking out of the room as quietly as possible, and heading towards the stairs.
"I mean, how would you feel if Kevin was your roomie instead?" we heard Howie ask from down the hall.
"Roomie?" AJ laughed. "OK, he's the drunk one."
"The poor guy… we just left him complaining to himself."
"He's the one that needed his beauty sleep! Besides… I don't want to share a room with him anymore either."
"Why not?"
"Cuz I'm gonna be sharing it with you. Duh," he muttered before turning to smile at me. "Short attention span, eh?"
"Oh, I'm coming? On tour?"
"Of course you are," he nodded. "What did you think?"
"Yea, but with Brian and all… I didn't know if I should still come."
"Nah, you're coming. I can't go 4 months without you," he said, slipping his arm around my shoulders.
"If you insist," I smiled, leaning over to give his cheek a kiss.
"Wanna just stay in the den tonight?"
"Yep, sure."
Once we were down there we talked some more, mostly reminiscing about our past relationship when a sweaty Nick ran down into the den.
"Guys, I hope I'm not interrupting anything," he called, before he came into view.
"Nah," AJ replied.
"Ok, good," he said turning to face us. "Um, AJ, you got an extra condom or something I can borrow?"
"Jeez, Nick, how many times have I told you to shop for yourself," AJ mumbled.
I laughed as Nick started to beg. "Please AJ, this is really really important."
"Really really important, eh?" he asked with a grin. "Damn, alright, upstairs…"
"Where?"
"Second drawer from the top in my room."
"You have officially saved my life," he smiled, before running out of the room as quickly as he had come.
"That kid is sex crazy," AJ shook his head. "He worries me."
"He'll be ok," I laughed.
"Guys you see Nick?" Colleen called from the top of the stairs.
"He just ran upstairs to get a condom. Forcing him again, are you, Col?" AJ smirked.
"Oh, right, me forcing him," she rolled her eyes. "Oh, Sophia, you told me to remind you to take your medicine or whatever."
"Oh, yea, I gotta do that," I said, getting up. "AJ, I'll be right back."
"Ok," he nodded, grabbing a magazine I had left down there a few days ago.
I met Col at the top of the stairs and we walked to the kitchen together.
"You got Nick pretty hot and bothered, Col," I smiled, as I filled a cup with water and went through the bottles for the medicine with my name on it.
"Yea, didn't I?" she said proudly.
"You're so weird, Col," I laughed. "Hmm.. This doesn't look like my regular pills," I muttered to myself.
"What do ya mean?" she asked, walking over to stand next to me.
"No, it's just these don't look right. Maybe he gave me the wrong pills by mistake or something."
"Nah, sometimes they just change the shape of them without telling you."
"Yea, that's true…"
"What do ya take em for?"
"Um, allergies, shit like that," I mumbled, taking off the cap and dumping out 2 of the pills. "These look really weird..."
"Here," she said, shoving a glass of water into my hands. "Just swallow em down and don't think about it anymore."
"Pass me that other bottle too," I said, motioning to the other side of the table.
"There's more you have to take?"
"Yep, these are to help me sleep."
"Oh, alright," she nodded, emptying another 2 pills into my hands. "Anyway do you know what Brian said to me before?"
"What?" I asked, shoving all 4 pills into my mouth and swallowing them in one big gulp of water.
She went on to tell me some story about how Brian had tried to hit on her, but I was having a hard time concentrating. All of a sudden I felt really dizzy.
"Nick, almost beat the living shit out of him, I swear," Col laughed.
"Ok, baby, we're ready to go!" Nick shouted from the doorway. "I got the stuff!"
"You sound like a drug dealer, you moron," Colleen sighed. "And quiet it down… people are trying to sleep."
"Yea, but not us," he grinned, grabbing her hand, and pulling her up the stairs.
"Night Sophia!" she called before disappearing into her bedroom.
"Yea, night," I mumbled. Damn, what was wrong with me? I could hardly think straight. I somehow made my way down into the den to find AJ waiting.
"What took ya so long?" he asked.
"I feel really sick all of a sudden."
"Really? What's wrong?" he asked, jumping up to give me a hand.
"I dunno… Must be that Mexican food we had for dinner or something."
"Yea, probably. Maybe you should lie down and get some sleep."
"Ok," I agreed, collapsing onto the couch. It felt as if the room was spinning at top speed, sharp pains cut through my stomach, and AJ's voice seemed miles away. I opened my eyes and couldn't even see him anymore. Everything was so blurry. Within a few minutes I had completely blacked out.
_Chapter 10_ *AJ's View*
I woke up with an uneasy feeling and I couldn't think of why. All of a sudden it hit me: Sophia. I jumped out of bed and ran into the next room where she was sleeping on the couch in the den. She had scared me last night. She had said she felt sick so I suggested she lay on the couch. She had stumbled down and next thing I knew was dead asleep.
"Rise and shine, baby," I called out as I entered the den.
No answer. "Come on, you gotta wake up. I slept late too. Guess we can't talk til 6 in the morning anymore… and no more Mexican food for you!"
I might as well have been talking to myself. I nervously licked my lips… something was wrong. Something about the way she was sleeping. I couldn't quite put a finger on it, but staring at her figure on the couch made me so uncomfortable. All of a sudden I realized what it was - she was so still. Completely motionless. She hadn't moved an inch since I'd come in here.
"Baby, just get up, alright?" I asked, starting to get anxious. When she still didn't move I walked right up and began to shake her first gently and then harder desperately wanting her to make some sound, some movement. When none came I began to get really scared.
"Sophia, wake up, just wake up," I kept repeating over and over. Finally I realized the problem… she wasn't breathing at all.
"Col! Nick! Call 911!"
Later that night
"Say something," Colleen whispered.
"There's nothing to say," I mumbled, staring down at Sophia's ring I held in my hands.
"Cry, do something!" she begged, beginning to burst into tears herself.
I couldn't bear to see her cry so I got up and left the room. Last time Sophia went to the drugstore she was given someone else's pills. That mixed with the sleeping pills she always took were what killed her. The two combined only had a 1 in 8,000 chance of being that deadly, but like I always said… Sophia was special, she was different. Odds didn't mean anything. The doctor called it "fatal drug interaction." I called it losing the love of my life.
I went upstairs and sat by the window in my room. Sophia's stuff was still scattered all over the place. I was keeping all of it… every last thing… I needed to talk to her. The one person I needed to talk to was gone.
"For the third time I lost you, Sophia," I said. "But this time I'm not getting you back."
I looked out the window into the star-less sky. I struggled to remember what stars even looked like... Every time I looked it was always just eternal dark blue ceiling above the earth. Even if there were stars I wouldn't see them. I couldn't. My whole world had become dark blue. Most people saw things in color, most animals saw things in black and white. I saw everything in dark blue.
If Sophia hadn't taken the gun out of my drawer I swear I would have just ended it all right then and there. But she wouldn't want that. She would want me to be strong. Everyone always wants you to be strong. I couldn't bear to think of my life ahead of me… the life I was going to have to get through without her there.
"Just remember - I'm here for you."
I'd heard that 6 times today. I had 6 people to help me get through this. And the fans… and my mom, and…
"It'll be ok," I mumbled to myself. "I'm gonna be ok."
I just started slipping the ring on and off my finger… Damn, she had small fingers… it kept getting stuck. What do I do with the ring… Gotta keep it close to my heart… I took my chain off from around my neck and slipped the ring on. As I fastened the chain back again I all of a sudden felt a lot better, a lot stronger than I had been before. Cuz I realized she was still with me… she hadn't completely left me. She was gonna help me get through this more than anyone else. I was going to be ok. I was going to try to see in color again… instead of in dark blue.
~Written by: Sophia(ajsnumber1grl@hotmail.com)
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