_Chapter 1_
Thunder boomed through my dark house as I held my little girl in my arms. Her tears had already dampened my whole shirt. "Mommy I'm scared," I looked down into her hazel eyes. Kissing her forehead
"Alisa, it'll be okay mommy's here." Her petite two year old body was shaking in my arms and I couldn't stand but be a little scared too. "Mommy's here." I murmured again. I looked at the door hoping that Nick or any of the guys would come in and help me calm down Alisa. I was only 19, I had given birth to Alisa on my seventeenth birthday. Her daddy said he didn't want anything to do with us. That's when Nick came along. He was one of my friends but we had gotten closer over the years. But I couldn't burden him any longer. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me and Alisa because I knew that's all he was doing was feeling sorry for me and I didn't want that. Thunder boomed again, but this time even louder. I could feel Alisa shaking even harder with fear. The phone rang.
"Sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'd like to leave a message do so." I heard my answering machine say in its usual monotone sound.
"Hey Alana, its me Nick, pick up if you're there." I looked at the phone for a long minute. "Kate I know you're there come on pick up I really need to talk to you." I heard his voice echo through my house. "Okay Kate just call me when you get home all right. Its important."
"Mommy that was Uncle Nicky," Alisa said softly. I smiled slightly.
"Yeah, uncle Nicky." I repeated my daughter. I stood up slowly holding her hand pulling her over to the phone. I picked it up looking at the numbers glow in the darkness of my apartment.
"Here goes nothing." I muttered softly. dialing Nicks phone number
_Chapter 2_
"Hello," I heard his voice over the phone. My heart began to beat faster. "Hello," Nick said again. I could hear his breath over the phone now. Alisa stared at me for not saying anything.
"Mommy who's that?" She asked finally.
"Is that you Kate?" Nick asked obviously hearing Alisa's soft voice.
"Hey Nick, " I muttered softly.
"Kate, you sound scared anything wrong?" I looked down at my little girl.
"Nah, so you called me." I said trying to change the subject.
"Yeah, I needed to talk to you about something." Nick said quickly. Alisa sat down on the floor.
"Can I talk to Uncle Nicky?" She asked softly. I smiled.
"Yeah Alisa, he's going to tell me something first." Alisa smiled.
"Okay mommy, but don't forget you always forget." I looked into her hazel eyes and then turned my attention back to Nick.
"So what do you want to talk to me about Nick," I asked my voice cracking slightly.
"I would rather talk to you in person but this storm is kinda keeping me inside." I looked up as Lightning struck again. "The guys are worried about you Kate. You and Alisa. We want you to come stay with one of us." Nick seemed nervous. "You know its up to you totally who you want to stay with but, Uh, it would be better if you stayed with me." I looked at Alisa.
"Nick why would you guys be worried about me? I'm a big girl I don't need a baby-sitter."
"But Alisa does doesn't she, You know you cant handle it alone."
"Nick, trust me I've been doing it for a year. I can do it for the rest of my life if I have to." I said softly.
"Kate please listen to me. I don't think you can do it alone." I could hear frustration growing in his voice.
"Well I think I can, and I will." The thunder boomed again. "Well if that's all you have to say then I have to go take care of Alisa all right."
"Mommy wait I want to talk to Uncle Nicky." I handed Alisa the phone.
"Hi Uncle Nicky, um, you know what happened? I was sitting and I got up and this light came down from the sky and mommy got really scared and me too and We cried and it was bad. Yeah and we cried. Uh huh really big light and big boom boom sounds. Really? Okay I love you buh bye." Alisa hung up the phone.
"What he say sweet heart?" I asked picking her up in my arms.
"Uncle Nicky said he want to come and he said he might right now." Alisa said with a smile.
"Come here?" I asked sitting down on the couch with her on my lap.
"Yeah mommy he says don't be scared cause he might come here. I says really and he says I am coming." I looked out the window as she finished her sentence. "Mommy he says that he come here to make us safe so we wont cry no more." I smiled slightly at my daughter. 'He's coming here,' I thought to myself.
_Chapter 3_
The thunder and lighting seemed to be increasing. The only thing that really scared me was lightning and being away from my little girl and with every strike of lightning my heart rate increased. And I kept thinking about what Nick had said. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to leave me little one bed room apartment and the little life I tried to fix but just didn't seem to work out. I laid Alisa's body on the black couch after she had fallen asleep. I knew she wouldn't be able to stay up too long and wait for Nick. I sighed softly as the door bell rang. I walked over to the door slowly and saw Nick through the peephole. I opened the door slightly giving him just enough room to get in. "Alisa told me you were coming." I murmured looking down.
"Alisa told me you were scared." Nick said his hair drenched with damp rain.
"Well I wasn't I was just," i looked at his wet clothes. "Here I'll go get you something to dry off with." I said changing the subject. He nodded still standing in my entry way. I walked over to one of my cabinets and pulled out a huge white towel and handed it to him.
"So you weren't scared?" he asked sitting on one of my chairs. I didn't answer.
"
Nick how long have we known each other." I asked after a long pause. He looked into my blue eyes for a long moment wondering where I was going to go with this question.
"About two years, since you're 17th birthday I believe." He answered quickly.
"You've seen me take care of myself, why all of a sudden you want me to pick up and leave this life behind?" I asked sitting on the floor next to Alisa who was still asleep on the couch.
"Because. It would be a whole lot easier if you stayed with me and if you had help raising Alisa." Nick said softly. I looked into his blue eyes for a long time not really saying anything.
"I don't deserve help." I said finally. "I got into this by myself, and I'll get through it by myself."
"No, Kate you didn't get into this by yourself you had some guy who was there that night, it takes two to make a baby Kate, and two to raise one."
"Nick, I could see if Alisa were your baby but she's not, She's mine and Xander's and if he were here then maybe I'd be saying something different but right now Nick. I don't need help. I mean I..." he cut me off standing up.
"When are you going to realize you're not superwoman and you cant do things on your own. Kate we all need a little help sometimes and I'm just trying to be a good friend." I stood up now standing in front of him. I could feel the tension surrounding us. I could see the anger in his eyes.
"Must it always be this way Nick?" I asked softly.
"What are you talking about Kate?" I looked down away from his eyes.
"Must it be that you always win and, I, I just have to go along with it?"
_Chapter 4_
"I'm sorry Kate I must be on the slow horse today cause you've lost me." Nick said with a slight smile.
"Never mind Nick," I said sitting down again. "You'll never understand." Nick sat down next to me.
"Please just give me a chance to." Nick said softly. "I just don't see what the big deal is. I think it would help you."
"But you're making me sound like an inviolate that cant do anything on her own." I said pushing my dark drown hair behind my shoulders.
"What can I do to make you happy Kate?" I stood up and walked over to the door. I looked at the pale white door for a long time before he walked up behind me.
"You could leave Nick, you could just never come back. Like everyone else in my life." Tears suddenly appeared in my eyes.
"Would that make you happy?" Nick asked I could sense him behind me his eyes almost digging into my back.
"I suppose," I said opening the door turning my eyes down to the ground.
"Whatever you want Kate, whatever will make you happy." I looked up slightly as he walked over the threshold of my house. I could see the pain in his eyes. But I knew I had to push him away before he pushed me away.
"Nick," I said softly. He stopped in his tracks. "Nick." He lifted his head slightly still not facing me. "You would really not come here ever again." He nodded. He turned to me for a moment not saying anything.
"All I want Kate is for you to be happy, and for Alisa to have a good life." I looked down as tears fell from my eyes. "That's all I want."
"Nick what would make you happy?" I asked swallowing hard.
"It doesn't matter now." He said turning away from me and stepping in the car. I looked up at the dark rain clods and felt the hot rain hit my face. Nick looked at me one last time and drove off down the road. 'What have I done,' i thought to myself. 'what have I done.'
_Chapter 5_
The next morning the sun came out bright and early and I was in the kitchen cooking some toast and eggs. I saw Alisa get up and walk over to me.
"Mommy where's Uncle Nicky?" I looked into her eyes.
"He went home, Alisa," I said quickly. She sat down on the kitchen floor.
"But mommy he didn't say hi, I want him to say hi." I looked down at her.
"Honey, you were asleep, IM sorry." I looked into her eyes that were filling with tears.
"But Uncle Nicky didn't stay, I want him to stay." I picked her up.
"Alisa, uncle Nicky isn't going to stay anymore." I said softly. "He's not going to come here anymore." Alisa started crying harder.
"I want uncle Nicky to come," I looked into her eyes.
"I'll call him and tell him to come over just for you okay." I smiled slightly.
"Ya, mommy, and we'll be here. And we go out. Like before." I smiled at her enthusiasm.
"yeah we'll go out like before." I set her down on the floor as the doorbell rang. Alisa ran to it.
"Uncle Nicky!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. I walked over to the door seeing Brian and AJ through the peephole.
"Hey guys," I said letting them in. "What's up?" I looked down at Alisa who was clinging to my leg.
"Hey its Uncle B-Rok and daddy." Alisa said smiling.
"No Alisa that's not daddy." I said softly. I looked into AJ's eyes as we exchanged glances.
"So what's up?" I asked again as Brian picked up Alisa in his arms.
"Well we talked to Nick," AJ began.
"Oh, and what he say?" I asked softly.
"He said that um, you guys aren't going to see each other anymore, literally, is that true?" Brian asked sitting on the couch.
"Nope, nope, nope." Alisa said smiling. "Uncle Nicky is coming today we go to the park. And he going to swing with me like before. Right mommy. We go out like before." I nodded slightly.
"So what happened last night?" AJ asked quickly.
"Well um he said he'd do what ever made me happy, he asked about the moving in thing. I don't think I'm ready you know. I guess its not that I just don't feel comfortable moving in with him, I mean he's like, wow I'm at a loss for words." I said quickly.
"There's always me," AJ said quickly. I looked at him then looked over to Alisa playing with Brian. "you could stay with me like be..." I cut him off.
"I don't know AJ," I sat down next to Brian on the couch. "Maybe," I swallowed hard.
"
Come on Kaye if you're not going to stay with Nick, you might as well stay with J ya know, We are really worried about you by yourself." I sighed softly. "So what do you say?" Brian asked looking over to me.
_Chapter 6_
"I guess it would be good for Alisa." I said looking down. "I just have to clean things up here, clean things up with my life."
"Do we have that much time?" AJ asked with a smile. I shrugged getting up off the couch.
"So when am I supposed to make the big move?" I asked looking down at Brian and AJ.
"Look I can get the guys together and maybe, you could get a few people and we can have you out by tonight." Brian said with a smile. I nodded walking back to my bedroom. 'what are you doing Kate, you know that you cant handle this.' I thought to myself. 'But what about Alisa, you have to make her happy, she's only two, it'll be better.'
~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
A few hours later I had invited my friends Lauren and Mandy over to help me with the little things, and the guys were gradually taking out the big things. "So you're moving in with AJ huh?" Mandy asked softly. "Isnt that kinda bad." I looked down.
"No why would it be?" I asked slightly shaken.
"You don't think we know?" Lauren asked wrapping a few glass sculptures. My heart began to beat harder.
"Know what?" I asked looking into Lauren's blue eyes.
"That you turned down Nick, He's really angry about the whole thing. You know you guys moving in with AJ." Lauren sighed. "Its not that I blame him cause he is kind of right. He did ask you first and you said no and you turn your back on him." I stopped working and looked at her.
"So you think I shouldnt be doing this?" I asked looking in the mirror.
"Look Kate, this is your descision and we're your friends. What ever you fill comfortable doing is fine alright." Mandy said pulling me into a hug. I smiled slightly.
"Yeah thanks."
"I hope I'm not interupting." Nick said walking in.
"No not at all." Lauren said with a smile.
"Can I talk to you for a minute Kate." He looked at Lauren and Mandy, "Alone."
"Okie dokie." Mandy said grabbing Laurens arm pulling the door close. I looked into his blue eyes seeing already what he was feeling. Nick sat on my bed placing his head in his hands.
"You know how you feel when everything you hoped for just disapears." I looked down.
"Yeah actually I do." I said sitting on the floor in front of him.
"What is it about me? about him that is so different?" Nick asked looking up. The look in his eyes sent a pain surging through my heart. "I mean I ask you to live with me and you say 'I never want to see you again.' he asks you and you move out that day. Is there something here that i'm missing?" I looked down.
"Its just I would feel better to have Alisa live with AJ, " I said softly.
"I thought we had something you know, something that meant that our friendship was something. But I guess its not." he walked out the room leaving me on the floor. I sat there alone with only tears as my company.
_Chapter 7_
"Look mommy," Alisa said running in. "Its a choo choo. Kevin brought me it." I smiled wiping away my tears.
"Thats great hunny." i said still sitting on the floor.
"Oh no mommy you're scared. I'm going to get Uncle Nicky. he makes you not scared." ALisa smiled running out the room.
"Alisa wait..." I called after her quickly getting up. I ran out the room bumping into Kevin.
"Oh sorry," I said looking down. I looed up into his green eyes.
"Kate what's wrong?" Kevin asked seeing my bloodshot eyes.
"Wrong?" I asked swallowing hard. "Nothing I have to get Alisa she's run off again." Kevin nodded.
"Alright I'll let you lie to me this time but no more okay, you used up your lie." I smiled. He pulled me in his arms.
"You look like you needed that." I smiled again as he let me go.
"Thanks Kev," I walked past him as Alisa dragged Nick over to me.
"Uncle Nicky, mommy was scared, like with the light in the sky. She was crying. You make mommy not scared." ALisa said looking up at Nick.
"I think I can do that." Nick said with a fake cheerfulness. "But it has to be a secret. We're going to go in the bathroom and she's not going to be scared anymore." Alisa nodded as Nick pulled me into the bathroom. "Okay, " Nick closed the door. "Look I'm sorry I made you cry. But you hurt me Kate. Real bad." I nodded.
"Look I dont want to talk about this now. Lets just walk out happy and Alisa will be fine alright." Nick looked at me for a long moment. "What?" I asked looking away from his eyes.
"You could just walk away that easily?" I looked down.
"No I cant but, I just dont want to talk about it now." Nick nodded and opened the door.
"Smile." He said as we walked down the hallway together into my empty apartment. I nodded and plastered a smile on my face.
"Okay we're done here." Howie said looking around. "We just have to unpack once we get to AJ's house other than that. How bout we hit the clubs." Howie grinned.
"I dont think so." I said with the same smile on my face. "Alisa, I promised her a story tonight." Howie nodded. "well you guys can go."
"Yeah I've gotta go something fun," Lauren said with a smile.
"Alright we're going clubbing tonight." Howie said showing off some dance moves.
"Clubbing, clubbing, clubbing...." Alisa said jumping up and down. I smiled at her. "Look I'm clubbing." She yelled throughing her small hands in the air. I picked her up as everyone headed out the apartment into the dim lights of my apartment structure. I was leaving what I had become behind, leaving nothing infront of me to grasp on to.
_Chapter 8_
I sat on the balcony looking up at the dark star filled sky. Alisa was asleep on her bed in one of AJ's rooms. I closed my eyes feeling the cool breeze on my face. I could almost feel the memories rush past me like painful darts triggered straight at my heart. I hated remembering it all. Because remembering was all I had left of Alisa's father, and of the parents that kicked me out as soon as they knew I was going to have a baby. I smelled the fresh Florida air and closed the doors to the balcony. I sat down in the bedroom that was now mine. I looked at the clock seeing it was 4 o'clock. "Okay the sleeping thing is out." I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I usually went to sleep with Alisa but now I just couldn't get to sleep. I walked out of my room over to AJ's. I turned the light on noticing he wasn't home from clubbing yet. I looked at the white carpeted floor and crawled onto his bed. I turned the light out hoping that this room could help me sleep. Or at least help me with something.
"Hey," AJ said stammering in. he clicked on the light.
"Hey," I said looking into his brown eyes. "Sorry I'm in here. I just couldn't you know, sleep." He nodded sitting next to me on the bed.
"You should have went tonight. We could have got a baby-sitter for Alisa" I shrugged.
"I kind of don't want to be away from her." I looked down. "Like I never wanted to be away from you." He looked into my blue eyes pushing my hair away from my face.
"Kate, you know it had to be that way." I nodded quickly.
"Yeah I know, but what about Alisa." I stood up quickly. "When do I get to tell her you're her father?"
_Chapter 9_
AJ looked down not saying anything. "I don't want to talk about that Kate," I heard a sort of fearful pain in his voice. "It was a one night stand," He looked into my blue tear stricken eyes, "I mean, Kate I knew you for two weeks during my vacation." He looked away from my eyes quickly.
"Did you love me?" I asked softly. I knew I had gone too far with that question.
"Kate, you know we'll always be friends." He muttered softly. By that phrase I knew the answer. I closed my eyes as tears ran from them.
"You told me you did. You told me to promise not to tell anyone, I lost my family AJ, I lost my life." I stood up walking toward the door. "And now I find out I never even had you." I left the room walking to mine. I laid back on my bed seeing it was 5 o'clock now. I couldn't sleep knowing the one person I had been completely intimate with didn't even love me. I had lied to everyone for him. And it seemed that I had also lied to myself.
~*~*~*~*~
I had finally managed to fall asleep and when I woke up in the morning I headed down to Alisa's room to see if she was awake yet." Alisa, are you awake?" I looked at her bed seeing it was empty. "Alisa," I walked into the room looking in the closet. "Alisa this isn't funny." I began to search the house frantically. "Alisa." I walked quickly to the bathroom. "Alisa where are you?" I yelled tears now forming in my eyes. I couldn't find her anywhere. I sat down on the steps as tears ran down my face.
"Kate what's wrong?" I looked up seeing Nick.
"What..." i swallowed hard. "What are you doing here?" he sat a few steps under me.
"Love the greeting." I looked down.
"Sorry," I looked into his blue eyes. "Nick I cant find Alisa anywhere. I mean I searched the house she's no where and I'm scared. You think I should call the police. Maybe she was kidnapped."
"She's got to be somewhere." I nodded. "Come on Kate calm down.
"I cant Nick, I've lost my little girl," I felt my body tremble as he pulled me into his arms. "My little girl."
_Chapter 10_
Just then the door opened. "Mommy," I saw Alisa walk in with a Happy Meal in her hand. "Looky at my toy." I ran down the stairs and picked her up in my arms. I looked over at the door seeing Aj.
"Oh you're awake." Aj said quickly.
"yeah," I said looking at him for a long time. "I need to talk to you." I said giving Alisa to Nick. I pulled AJ into the kitchen passing through the swinging door. "AJ you just pick Alisa up and take her without a note or anything?" I asked raising my voice.
"Kate, look she woke me up and I thought it would be nice to take my, Alisa to Mcdonalds." AJ said sitting on a chair.
"With out telling me AJ." I asked loudly. "You need to tell me before you take my daughter anywhere."
"She's my daughter too Kate, and I can take her somewhere If i want." He stood up. I looked over to the door and saw Nick standing almost lifelessly holding ALisa in his arms. he handed Alisa to AJ.
"Daughter?" Nick said looking at both of us. "She's AJ's daughter?" At that he turned and walked out of the kitchen.
_Chapter 11_
I followed Nick out of the kitchen. "Nick wait." He turned around slowly.
"What are you going to try to explain this?" Nick said looking down. What are you going to say it was a mistake?" I looked down.
"No Nick, I was going to say I'm sorry for not telling you." I looked into his eyes as he searched mine for the truth.
"Is this why you moved in with him?" Nick asked softly. "So you could be one big happy family." I bit my lip.
"Nick I..."
"Who's Xander, some kind of cover up man? God Kate you could have told me, you know."
"Nick I wanted to I really Did?" I said quickly.
"You wanted to?" Nick blew up. "Yeah right Kate it was your little secret and you weren't ever going to tell anyone. No wonder you turned me down Kate you wanted AJ all along and now that I know this I don't ever want to talk to you again." Nick yelled closing the door. I felt my heart break.
"I'm sorry," I felt AJ's hands on my shoulders. I nodded.
"Mommy the street's on." Alisa said smiling.
"The street?" AJ asked.
"Yeah with the big bird and the little bird and ooooh the green trash guy."
"Oh sesame street," Alisa nodded.
"Watch it with me daddy," Alisa said grinning, "Mommy doesn't like it." AJ nodded.
"Okay Alisa mommy is tired." AJ said giving me a reassuring look.
"Nap time mommy." I smiled slightly.
"Hey AJ, I'm going to go follow Nick, um could you watch Alisa?" AJ smiled.
"No problem Kate."
_Chapter 12_
I drove for about an hour wondering where Nick could have posibly went. The it hit me the beach. I looked out into the horizon seeing the sun starting to set. I saw his car and pulled up behind it. I stepped out onto the warm sand and made my way down to the shoreline where Nick was sitting staring off into the blue ocean waves. I sat down next to him not saying a word. For a moment the only thing that I seemed to hear was the crashing blue waves. "We've been friends for about two years now." Nick said softly not moving an inch. "I met you at the hospital after you gave birth to Alisa." I looked down "I dont get it. How does AJ come in to the picture?" I closed my eyes taking in the salty smells of the ocean.
"I met him," I began now looking at the glossy beams of sun off the tips of the waves. "he was shopping and I ran into him accidently. That sparked a conversation. We spent two weeks togheter. The night before he left on tour. He, told me he loved me and he wanted to make love to me to give him something to remember him by. I agreed. And he left that morning." I looked down slowly. "He called me a few weeks later and I, I told him I was going to have a baby and that my parents wanted nothing to do with me. He sad he'd take care of me if, if I promised not to say anything." I looked back at the ocean waves. "I promised and I moved here to Florida. Aj paid for everything the hospital bills and my apartment." I glanced at Nick who was now staring at me. "I was 16."
"I remember that night," Nick said softly. "AJ was so nervous and he said his 'friend' was in the hospital having a baby and he didnt know if he could make it. He said that if Brian and I were to go down there and talk to you then everything would be alright." I smile slightly.
"Nick," I said standing up. "I dont mind if you dont believe me. I just needed to tell you the truth and I did." He stood up now facing me.
"I believe you." He said pulling me into his arms. I didnt know what to say. HE just held me there tightly. I closed my eyes feeling my heart race.I soon felt the soft touch of his lips on mine. He held me closer as the kiss became more intense. "I love you." He said as he pulled away. I could hear my heart thud in my ears as I started to back away.
"I have to get back," I said turning and quickly walking away. Nick nodded turning back to the waves. I wasnt sure if I had hurt him or not. I didnt know what I was thinking. He had just kissed me. I got into my car and pulled out onto the road. I glanced back at the beach seeing him still staring off into the waves.
_Chapter 13_
Once I got home Alisa and AJ were asleep on the couch Alisa sitting in AJ's lap and AJ's arms around her. I smiled and turned off the TV. "Kate, you're back." AJ said waking up looking at me. I nodded. "I have to talk to you. Let me put Alisa in her room."
"Okay." I sat down on the couch as AJ made his way up the stairs holding Alisa in his arms. I looked around the red, white and black room and saw Alisa's small hair tie I picked it up in my hands and held it tightly.
"Kate," I turned seeing AJ standing by the steps.
"Yeah," I looked away from his eyes remembering Nick's soft kiss.
"Let's go out tonight, Lets dance." I shook my head.
"No, AJ, what about Alisa?" AJ smiled.
"I have everything covered. Please...." I smiled slightly feeling my heart flutter. He took a hold of my hand and lead me up the stairs. "Now go get beautiful and I'll tell you my plan." I smiled heading into my room. I pulled on my black mini skirt and red tinny t I looked in the mirror letting my long brown hair down. I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I wore something like that. It had been years. I sat on my bed and still staring into the mirror. 'I love you,' i heard Nick murmur in my mind. I looked away from the mirror as the door opened.
"Oh mommy look pretty." Alisa said running in sitting next to me.
"Yeah she does look pretty," AJ said walking into the room. I looked up seeing his blue baggy jeans and snug black shirt. "We're going dancing tonight." AJ said lifting Alisa off the bed. "And guess who's going to come here and watch the street with you?"
"Um, shhhh don't tell me." Alisa said putting her small hands over AJ's mouth. "Umm I don't know." I stood up and followed AJ as he made his way down the stairs. He put Alisa down. "Uncle B-Rok and Mandy." Alisa kissed me. "I love you buh bye." I smiled at Mandy and Brian as AJ lead me out the house.
~*~*~*~
Once we got to the club. The smoke machines were going off and the music was booming in my ears. I saw my friend Rebecca in the smoke at one of the tables sitting next to Howie. I made my way over to the table and sat down. "Hey guys," AJ said sitting next to me.
"Hey," Rebecca smiled pushing her brown curly hair over her shoulder.
"Howie, I've got to talk to you." AJ said standing. "Ill be right back." AJ said looking at me. I nodded and turned to Rebecca as my smile faded.
"What's wrong Kate, that smile didn't last long." I nodded.
"Nick found out today, you know about me and AJ and..." I looked down. "He got pretty upset and, I went out and looked for him and told him the whole story, and he kissed me. He said he loved me."
"That's good right?" Rebecca said looking into my eyes.
"No, cause of AJ i think , I still love him you know." I looked down.
"Oh," Rebecca looked down "Okay well follow your heart. Who every it leads you to is you know, who you love." She laughed. "i sound like a Disney movie." Howie and AJ came back and looked down at us.
"Come on guys lets dance." Howie said smiling. I stood up slowly as AJ lead me out to the middle of the floor. AJ pulled me into his strong arms and held me there. I closed my eyes leaning on his shoulder I could hear the music in my eyes and felt the beat of AJ's heart with mine. 'I could lose my heart tonight, of you don't turn and walk away. Cause the way I feel I might lose control and let you stay. Cause I could take you in my arms and never let you go. I could fall in love with you, Oh I could fall in love with you baby.' I felt tears in my eyes.
"Hey I have to get something to drink." I said turning from AJ and walking quickly toward the bar. I sat down on a stool and didn't say anything.
"Here you go miss." The bartender said with a smile. "From that guy right there." I smiled looking down seeing a dark haired guy with brown eyes and dark hair walking toward me.
"Hey Xander, nice to meet you." I smiled at the coincidence in name.
"Hey Kate, nice to meet you too." Xander sat next to me and talked and talked and talked. Once I had finished with my drinks and he had finally gone I turned seeing most of the people in the club had gone. I looked over the dance floor seeing Rebecca and Howie still dancing. They almost looked like they were joined together swaying slowly to the song. I walked over to them feeling slightly dizzy.
"Hey guys where's AJ i want to go home." I rushed out feeling my head spin.
"He left." Howie said softly. "I thought you knew." I shook my head quickly.
"He left me here." I looked at my feet seeing the floor spin.
"We'll take you home Kate," Rebecca said looking into my eyes. "You look pretty bad." I nodded feeling my knees tremble. I quickly grabbed onto Rebecca's arm before I fell.
~*~*~*~*~
Howie lead me up to my front door once we finally got home. "You going to be okay Kate?" he asked worry in his eyes. I nodded and smiled softly. I opened the door and stumbled up the stairs to Alisa's room. I looked in not seeing her. "AJ" I whispered with a smile. I walked down to AJ's room hearing moans of a girl.
"Oh Alex right there. You got it baby, Alex." I cracked the door open seeing AJ on top of a girl. I gasped filling tears in my eyes. He turned and looked at me.
"Oh shit." He said getting up. I closed the door and ran down the hallway to my room I leaned up against the door and cried. I heard AJ outside my door pounding on it furiously.
"Kate opened the door." He yelled. I turned on my radio full blast. 'You and your boys went out to eat. Then they hung out but you came home around three. If six of ya'll went out then four of you were really cheap. Cause only two of ya'll had dinner I found your credit card receipt. Its not right but its okay, I'm going to make it anyway, pack your bags up and leave don't you dare come running back to me. Its not right but its okay IM gonna make it anyway. Close the door behind you leave your key id rather be alone then unhappy.' I looked down at my hands as the song played louder and louder over and over.
_Chapter 14_
I moved away from the door slowly letting AJ in. I sat on the bed softly. "I want to go home." I looked down. "Where's Alisa I want to leave." I said softly. Tears still running down my face. AJ turned the music down.
"She's in California." My eyes widened.
"What do you mean she's in California?" I stood up. "Or did I not hear you right."
"She's in California. Brian and Mandy left tonight to see Mandy's sister Leighanne and they asked if She could go and I said OK." AJ rushed quickly.
"Okay well first you have no right telling anyone Alisa can go any where. She's my daughter. Mine. And I don't even want her to call you daddy anymore cause that night we didn't make love you fucked me. That's all you do fuck people like that little hussy in your room." I yelled at the top of my lungs.
"SO this is all my fault now?" AJ yelled back. "You were the one drinking and partying at the club, without me with some guy you just met. You weren't even thinking about Alisa."
"How dare you AJ, Fuck you and your stupid house. I hate you." I yelled running to the bathroom as my head continued to spin. I threw up still crying into the toilet. I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Get the hell away from me." I stood up turning toward him. "When she coming back?"
"In about a week." He said looking down. "Just stay till then."
"Fine" I said walking past him into my room. "You're so stupid Kate you knew this was going to happen." I looked up at the ceiling. Then over at the clock. I picked up the phone and dialed Nick's number.
"Hello," Nick answered sleepily.
"Nick," I looked down. "Nick I'm sorry. I shouldn't be calling its 4 o'clock." Tears came to my eyes. "Nick I'm sorry."
"For what Kate?" He seemed to be more awake now.
"Nick I should have moved in with you. You love me. He doesn't I mean I thought he did but I don't know IM so confused. I want to leave." I rushed out through sobs. "IM sorry Nick."
"Wait Kate, I'll be right over." I hung up the phone laying back on my bed staring at the ceiling once more.
_Chapter 15_
I turned off my radio all the way and made my way down the hall. There was no way i'd be able to fall asleep. I walked down the hallway and glanced into AJ's room seeing the girl still asleep in his room. I walked slowly down the stairs and into the living room seeing AJ sitting in a chair staring off into space. I sat down across from him looking at his hands that seemed to be shaking. "So I guess this isn't a good time to ask you about the girl in your room." I said softly. He looked into my blue eyes not saying a word. "Why are you looking at me like that? You're the one that hurt me remember?" Aj nodded.
"SOmetimes Kate its not the things you do but the words you say." I looked away from his eyes.
"You brought some girl home, you had sex with her. And you didn't even say sorry." I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
"Is sorry going to be good enough?" He asked softly his voice filling my ears unpleasantly. I didn't know what to say. He had hurt me almost tore me apart limp from limp and he was blaming me for words that I had said.
"I dont know AJ," I looked down. "How are you going to put a guilt trip on me huh?"
"I'm not trying to Kate, I mean, I guess it would be back to hear me say this to you but It hurt so much when you said that about Alisa. I've tried so hard to be there for her and. "It just tore me apart."
"How have you been there for her huh?" I crossed my leg. "I'll send money here send money there pay my daughter off." I looked down. " I dont even know why she started calling you daddy."
"There's things you dont know Kate." AJ said roughly. "Alot of things. I told her everytime we were alone. Daddy will always love you. But I guess you didnt know that." I looked down not saying anything. "I told her Daddy will take you here when you get bigger. Daddy will take you there. You were the one that always said no thats AJ hunny," I looked into his brown painful eyes. "You were the one that didnt want her to know." I bit my lip.
"I'm sorry." I said finally. "But that still doesnt give you an excuse to go and have sex with someone."
"KAte I'm 21, I'm not taken, and for the record I was going to take you out to a hotel tonight, get the pent house and everything. Its just that you looked like you were having more fun with the other guy." I felt my heart wrech.
"Dont go blaming this on me." I said softly.
"Of course not Kate, Its my fault." AJ said coldly walking into the other room.
_Chapter 16_
I sat alone in AJ's living room. No words able to come from my mouth. I closed my eyes hoping that soon all this would be over. I didn't know what I felt. He had hurt me by having sex with that other girl but he had been right he was 21 and he was single. I was just holding him down. I felt a few fresh tears slip slowly down my cheeks. I looked up as the front door opened slowly. Nick stepped in looking directly into my eyes. He walked over to me and sat next to me on the couch. "Kate tell me everything." He said brushing away a few of my tears.
"Nothing happened," I said softly. "I'm sorry I called you." I looked down. " I Shouldn't have. This is my problem." Nick looked into my blue eyes not saying anything.
"Kate where's AJ?" He asked tension in his voice. I pointed to the den. Nick walked in closing the door behind him. I stood up slowly and walked over to the door. "AJ what you do to her?" Nick yelled from inside the door.
"Nothing." AJ muttered softly.
"So that's why she calls me at 4 in the morning cause you did nothing?" i sat down next to the door.
"Nick, what's wrong with you?" AJ said still monotone. "You know I would never hurt her intentionally."
"Oh yeah right. AJ you hurt her before when you told her to promise not to tell anyone about Alisa. Why stop at just that how bout lets go on to yelling at her, um you could have even hit her." Everything was silent for a while. "Is that what you did AJ? Did you hit her." I heard something break.
"Nick, stop, why would I hit her?"
"Why wouldn't you J?" I opened the door slightly seeing AJ on the floor with his fish tank leaking water rapidly. Nick was standing over him. "Did you hit her AJ?"
"Stop," I said gasping through tears. "Leave him alone, no he didn't hit me." Tears were streaming down my face. Nick and AJ looked over to me. "I have to get out..." I said running toward the door. I ran out the house not looking back jumping into my car and speeding off down the road.
_Chapter 17_
I pulled over near the beach feeling the breeze on my face. I sat down on the hot sand and stared out into the ocean. I had caused all of this. All this fighting between Nick and AJ everything. It had all been my fault and now all I could do was cry. "This isnt helping." I said aloud.
"Hi," I looked up seeing the guy from the bar.
"Hey" I said still looking into the waves.
"I remember you." He said sitting down. His dark hair blowing into his eyes.
"Of course you do." I said harshly. "I'm the one who got drunk at the bar last night." He stared at me for a moment.
"Something wrong?" I nodded.
"Of coures there's always something wrong. Always. If theres nothing wrong then I wouldnt be Kate the teenage mother who's scared of lighting that lives with her Baby's father who doesnt even like her. The one that pushes everything away." I said standing now almost yelling at him.
"Hey, I like how you did that." Xander said now standing with me.
"What are you talking about?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"That whole drama thing," I opened my mouth. "Shhh wait, I'm a casting agent and I was wonding if you'd like to be in a movie. You could be the leading lady with those skills of yours." I smiled slightly.
"Me in a movie? Yeah right, thats something else Kate's not good at." Xander smiled.
"Look think it over, give me a call." He handed me a card. I looked down at it and then back at him. He was already halfway down the beach. I sat back down on the beach wondering what had just happened.
"Hey girl," I looked up seeing Rebecca standing over me.
"Hey," I said softly.
"So why out here alone?" She sat down next to me pulling her long brown curly hair into a ponytail.
"Thinking," I said softly. "Hey can I stay with you for a while, I mean not even that about a week." Rebecca looked at me not saying anything I could tell she was trying to read my eyes.
"Yeah sure," She said softly. I got up slowly. "Come on I have a long story to tell you." I helped her up to her feet and we walked back to my car.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
I stood in Rebecca's living room looking at the ground. Then I started pacing back and forth. "OKay well, When Nick came over it was pretty bad you know and he I guess pushed AJ and I just had to get out Becca, i just had to." I stopped and looked into her blue eyes. "You understand dont you?" She nodded quickly.
"So you're not going to tell them you're hear. I mean for a whole week." I sat down on one of her chairs.
"No, They wont worry." I smiled slightly trying hard to hide the pain in my eyes. "By then I can go get Alisa and move back to my apartment. Look for a job... Get back to a normal life you know."
"Kate, I'm your friend and you can trust me," rebecca started. "But running away isnt the best thing to do."
"I know," I said softly. "Its the only thing."
_Chapter 18_
The phone rang I stared at it as Rebecca ran down the hallway in a towel. "Come on Kate get it. I was kinda in the shower you know."
"But it could be them." I said quickly staring down at the phone.
"Hello," Rebecca looked at me. "Kate is she here?" She was about to do her nervous laugh when I grabbed her arm and shook my head. "No, why would she be? She left? Well, I'll look for her okay. Yeah I'll keep in touch. Yeah bye." I smiled slightly.
"Thank you sooo, sooo much." I said jumping up.
"Yeah whatever, but next time pick up the phone, I'm waiting for Howie to call." I nodded. I sat back down by the phone and looked at it for a long time. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I walked over to the door and opened it.
"Hey," I looked into Aj's brown eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I asked still holding the door knob tightly in my hand.
"I'm here to come and get you." He said pushing his way past me.
"How'd you know I was going to be here?" He looked at me.
"I just knew." I looked at the clock nervously.
"Well, um, Howie should be here any minute and you know how he doesn't like strange guys in the house while Rebecca's taking a shower." Aj raised his eyebrows.
"So, I'm strange now?" I swallowed hard. "Just spit it out Kate what do you want to say. Nothing could hurt me right now." I felt all my anger, all my rage, build up inside my stomach.
"All right," He stood up and looked directly into my eyes. "I was in love with you. I gave you everything, my most intimate embrace. My family kicked me out because of that. And you told me to promise not to tell. I was furious at that. I never forgave you for that. When I moved out here and Alisa started calling you daddy I hated it. I mean at first it was something I thought was really cute. But then it became something that broke me down on the inside." I looked down. "I mean I loved you AJ and you just pushed me away. The closest I've ever gotten to you was that one dance and I loved every minute of it. The scent of your cologne and everything. I wish sometimes I never met you." I sat down slowly. "Sometimes I wish you weren't born, but then I think of Alisa, the one reason I have not to hate you and she keeps me strong. "I looked up seeing his eyes lowered to the ground. He didn't say anything all I could hear for a moment was his breathing and the loud thudding of my heart.
"Every night," he said almost breathlessly," He sat down facing me. "Every night I think about you. And how much you mean to me and how much I wish I could hold you in my arms again. I thank God for you." A few tears rolled down his cheeks. "I thank God for Alisa and I hate myself for making you promise." I closed my eyes hearing his words dig deep into my heart. "I wish I could turn back time you know," I felt tears roll silently down my cheeks. "But I cant now. I cant make you love me. And most of all I cant forgive myself."
"Aj," I opened my eyes seeing the front door open, more tears flooded my eyes. "AJ I love you..."
Chapter 19
I sat in Rebecca's warm chair staring at the open door that AJ had found his way out of. I felt so horrible for all that I had said. I guess I just never thought about things when I said them. I looked up at the clock and watched as each tick of the second hand brought me farther and farther away from AJ. "You all right?" I heard Rebecca's voice break into my thoughts.
"Um, yeah." I said resting my hand lightly on my hand.
"You know you want to go after him." I looked up into her blue eyes and knew she was right. I had to go after him. I stood up as she pulled me in for a hug. "Don't go and get yourself hurt." I smiled slightly as I headed for the door. I walked slowly to my car and closed my eyes picturing where AJ might have gone. I sat down slowly on my beige leather seats holding the steering wheel firmly.
"The Metro," I whispered to myself.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I walked into the dark club lit with blue and red flashing lights. There was a disco ball spinning in the center of the room. I looked around the dim room searching for AJ. I walked past all the dancing bodies toward the bar seeing AJ. I sat down on a stool next to him. "Hey we need to talk."
"What do you want Kate?" He took a sip from a glass.
"When did you start drinking?" I asked softly trying to turn toward him.
"What do you want?" He took another sip.
"I just want to talk." I looked down at the shinny black counter.
"You want to talk." He said softly. "About?"
"I wanted to say I love you AJ." He turned slowly to me I leaned in and kissed him softly feeling the warmth of his mouth on mine. He pulled away quickly.
"I've been thinking you know." He got off his stool and pulled me off mine. "You were right. All we have is Alisa. I mean, I love you, but I don't think I can say, I love you that way." He looked into my glistening blue eyes. "I cant forgive myself for what I've done to you Kate. I cant love you its just not possible." He turned and he walked toward his car.
"So I can poor my heart out to you AJ. And all you can say is I don't love you. You know what its like to have your heart ripped out from your chest?" I looked into his eyes seeing them staring off in a distance. "Of course you don't." I turned and walked quickly to my car. I wanted to leave everything. AJ, Nick, my life here. I wanted my family back. I wanted to be a kid again. I wanted too much.
_Chapter 20_
I opened Rebecca's door not thinking straight. The only person I had ever loved had just totally broke my heart and I didn't know how to deal. "Hey Kate." I looked at the couch seeing Nick.
"What are you doing here?" I asked flustered.
"I looked everywhere and I ended up here and Rebecca told me you were..." I walked down the hallway to Rebecca's room.
"Rebecca," I opened the door seeing Howie and Rebecca kissing. "Excuse us Howie." I said pulling him out of the room and closing the door behind him.
"What was that all about?" Rebecca said now standing.
"What did you tell Nick?" She shrugged.
"Nothing," I looked into her blue eyes.
"What did you tell Nick?" I said raising my voice slightly.
"He was crying." She looked down. "He had been crying, and You know how I'm a sucker for guys who cry. SO I told him everything." I looked into her eyes Betrayed.
"Everything Like what?" I said placing my hands firmly on my hips.
"Like why you came here and that you were going to stay here till Friday when Alisa was coming back." I closed my eyes filling my heart beat race.
"I cant believe this Rebecca, I thought you were my friend." She walked closer to me.
"I am Kate, that's why I had to tell him." I looked down.
"If you were my friend you wouldn't have told him." I stormed out the room past Howie and Nick. I walked toward the door pulling out my keys and running out to my car.
"Wait Kate." I turned slightly seeing Nick.
"What Nick? What is it?" He looked hurt for a moment.
"I'm sorry, Rebecca, I kinda got it out of her."
"Oh just great, now you're spying on me and she's telling my life story. Just great." I said turning back to my car.
"Don't you think this hurts?" I stopped not facing him. "I know about AJ, and I know you love him. But don't you think it hurts me to see you run back to him constantly. Kate it's always been about you. Always." I looked down. "Always, I loved you from the first day I saw you." I swallowed hard.
"Well, that's your mistake Nick," I said opening my car door. "Never fall in love." I got into my car pulling out of the drive way I watched as Nick stared after me. Pain on his face and in his eyes. He was more than my friend but at the moment I didn't know what I wanted. At the time I was sure it wasn't him.
_Chapter 21_
I drove almost all night knowing I couldn't go back to Rebecca's house after what had happened between us. I walked up slowly to AJ's house and opened the door slowly. I walked almost silently up the stairs toward his bed room. I cracked open the door seeing he wasn't in there. I looked at his bed and crawled onto it. Smelling his sweet cologne. I laid my body down slowly wishing AJ was there to put his arms around me. I closed my eyes seeing Nick's pain stricken face. I swallowed hard opening my eyes once again. Hearing the doorbell ring. I ran down the stairs knowing AJ would never ring the doorbell. I was hoping it wasn't one of his many girlfriends. I opened the door seeing Mandy and Brian. Brian walked in quickly holding Alisa's small body draped to his shoulder. "What's wrong?" I asked seeing the fear in Mandy's eyes.
"She's sick." Brian said running up the stairs. I felt my heart pound.
"She gets colds all the time." I said reassuring myself it was nothing.
"No, I think its flu or pneumonia." Mandy said tossing her long flowing blond hair over her shoulder.
"Does she have a fever?" I asked as Brian Laid her on her bed.
"yeah, fever, muscle pains, um cough, sneeze, headache, sore throat." I knelt down next to Alisa's wheezing body.
"Call the doctor." I looked up seeing AJ in the doorway." Mandy rushed out the room toward the phone. "So how long has she been like this?" AJ said softly.
"About a day or so." Brian said uncomfortably. "I'm so sorry Kate. I really am." I nodded in total shock.
"Come here Kate." I heard AJ over my shoulder. He pulled me out into my room. "You all right?"
"AJ, she's never been this sick before. What if something is really, really wrong. I cant loose her AJ she's all I have left." I rushed as tears came to my eyes.
"You have me Kate." I shook my head quickly.
"No, I don't AJ," I felt a salty tear run down my cheek. "No, we have Alisa remember. Oh God AJ, I don't know what to do. I mean no one prepared me for this I'm not ready." I looked into his dark eyes.
"I know, look I'll take care of it. I will you stay her get some sleep." I shook my head again.
"No, I cant I have to be with her." He nodded.
"I know but Kate, I need you to stay here all right. Do this for me?"
"I cant AJ," i said softly.
"Then do it for her." I felt more tears run from my eyes. "All right." I nodded sitting slowly on the bed.
"I'm her father I know what's best." He whispered as he closed the door.
"I know." I muttered through my tears.
_Chapter 22_
I sat in my room alone not doing anything just waiting for the sun to rise. I closed my eyes whispering to myself. "It'll be all right." When Lauren walked in the room.
"Hey, you know what I found. This card in these shorts you let me borrow." I opened my eyes staring at her. "Oh Kate, What's wrong you look horrible."
"Thanks." I said sitting up. She smiled. "Alisa is sick, but AJ said he wanted to take care of her."
"He's a nice friend isn't he?" She said softly sitting at the end of the bed. 'Yeah friend,' i thought to myself. "well um, about the card are you going to be in the movie or what?" I looked into her blue eyes moving closer to it.
"Xander Harris." I read aloud. "Casting Agent."
"It was all over the news, Xander has finally found the girl for his new movie. Xander has made a new star. Xander this Xander that, Kate this Kate that." I looked into her eyes shocked.
"What do you mean on the news?"
"Okay, it was on the news," She said slowly. "what do you think I mean?" She smiled at me.
"The news?" I looked at the card again.
"You gonna do it?" I shrugged walking out of the room. I headed down to Alisa's walking in seeing AJ asleep next to Alisa on the bed. I felt her forehead it had cooled down considerably.
"AJ," I muttered softly. "AJ wake up." He looked up into my eyes.
"Kate she's all right, her fever went away at about 4 or 5 and the doctor said she only needs to take these every week or something for 6 months." He handed me some chewable pills. I smiled slightly.
"Thanks AJ, you're a great friend."
"And father?" I smiled.
"And Father." I said sitting on the end of the bed.
"Kate I'm sorry." He said sitting up. "I'm sorry about all I put you through. I would do anything to have you in my arms once again." I nodded.
"Are you sure?" I asked staring into his eyes, as the phone rang.
"Hello," I answered softly. "Mom, yeah its Kathleen." I couldn't believe it. My mom was calling me after 2 years. " The movie things okay, Yeah I'm going to do it." I smiled. "Great next Friday. I love you too bye." I hung up the phone with AJ's eyes begging for an explanation. "It was my mom," I looked into AJ eyes. "I have to go, to the, Could you watch her?" I said softly. He nodded quickly. "thanks," I said leaving the room heading for my favorite spot on the beach. That let me think without interruptions. The one place where I got my best ideas. I sat out on the beach with thoughts running through my mind about AJ, and Alisa, and Nick and My parents. I didn't know what to think. But I knew what was the best thing for me and I knew what I had to tell everyone. If I was wrong about this then my life would change drastically but I didn't care at the moment all I wanted was the best life for Alisa and I knew I would have to tell everyone my decision sooner than I thought.
_Chapter 23_
I walked into the house seeing AJ sitting on the couch with Alisa in his arms. I smiled at the delicate way he held her. "AJ," He turned to me.
"Kate watch." He sat Alisa on her feet and whispered something in her ear.
"Daddy and Mommy I will always love you. Daddy and mommy cause You love me too. Daddy and mommy I can give you a hug. Daddy loves mommy and I love her too." Alisa sung smiling.
"You taught her that?" He nodded slightly.
"SO what you're mom say? Is she coming out to visit?" I sat down slowly.
"Not exactly." He looked into my eyes.
"You're not going to go out there are you?" I nodded.
"She asked me to move back with her and daddy. I mean I want to do this. I thought about it AJ and I want Alisa to know her grandparents, you know. They're not going to be around forever."
"How are you just going to pack up and go live in California huh? What about Alisa and I. What if you never come back." I looked down.
"I will, she'll visit." I said softly.
"But we wont be a family." AJ said walking over to me in my chair.
"We're not a family now AJ," I looked down.
"I want us to be Kate, you, me and Alisa, I want us to be a family." I stood up looking directly into his eyes.
"I have to go to California AJ, I have to." I looked down.
"Is it about the movie thing?" I nodded.
"I have to be able to get out on my own you know. I cant do that here AJ. I cant do that with you." I looked into his eyes then turned away. I looked down at Alisa who was staring at us both.
"Mommy what's wrong?" She said softly. "Daddy was a bad boy?" I looked down.
"No, you and mommy are going to see grandma and daddy wants us to stay." I looked into her hazel eyes hoping she'd understand.
"Daddy," She walked over to him and he picked her up. "Don't worry we be back." A tear ran down his cheek slowly. Alisa wiped it away, "Daddy don't be scared. I'm not and mommy not. Don't cry." He closed his eyes holding her tightly in his arms. I looked at the both of them and wished I could easily change my mind but I couldn't I was too deep now. I had to leave. "Daddy don't cry," she said again as he put her down. "We be back. Daddy's don't get scared." He smiled at her. "I love you Alisa."
"Oh daddy." She hugged him again. "Now mommy and me go and we be back." I smiled picking her up.
"I'm going to go see Uncle Nicky," I muttered in her ear.
"Okay buh bye mommy," She said kissing me. I headed out the door toward Nick's house. I figured if I walked I could check the beach to make sure I didn't miss him. I walked along the beach looking for Nick. I finally found him sitting next to the rising waves.
"Hey," He said as I sat down.
"Hi, I need to tell you something." He turned toward me. "I'm moving to California with my parents." His blue eyes widened slightly. "I'm even going to be an actress maybe you'll see my movie." I said with a playful smile. I looked down not wanting to see the pain surging through his eyes.
"I'm happy for you." He said softly. "I hope everything works out." He stood up and started walking, the sea water splashing over his feet.
"Where you going... This might be the last time I ever see you." He nodded. I walked closer to him.
"I know, maybe if I walk away right now. You wont see the real man you're leaving behind. The one that cries for you every night." I looked into his eyes as we walked along the shore together.
"Why do you love me Nick?" I asked softly.
"Do you really care?" He asked me stopping facing me.
"Yeah of course I do." I rushed out.
"I can never stop loving you Kate, I mean I've tried." He stopped sitting again on the warm sand. "And there's this quote that reminds me of us, you know, it says, I dropped a tear in the ocean, and when you find it, I'll stop loving you, that's how I feel, no matter how much you hurt me." I looked into his eyes. "And I know you'll never fall in love with me. But I still have to try." He pulled me into his arms and held me. I felt the warmth of his body and felt comforted for the few moments I was in his grasp. I pulled away seeing his face streaming with tears. "Now AJ cant hurt you." He whispered turning toward the waves. I turned toward my car feeling my heart pound harshly. I could hardly breath. I never knew how much I hurt him before. "Kate," I turned slowly. "When you're in California, and you're in your bed and Alisa's in hers. Light a candle and if it ever blows out wish for me and I'll be there." I nodded feeling my eyes dampen. "And I'll light that candle Kate, and I'll hold you in my arms, and I'll make sure that candle will always be lit maybe no physically but emotionally." I turned again toward my car. "I love you." I walked slowly up the hill to my car and drove back to AJ's house with tears running down my face. I turned on the radio... 'Its nothing so normal, you just stand there, I could say so much, but I don't go there cause I don't want to, I was thinking if you were lonely, maybe we could leave here and no one would no, at least not to the point we would think so. Everyone here, knows everyone here, is thinking about someone else, its best if we all keep this under our heads, I couldn't tell if anyone one here was feeling the way I do but I'm lonely now and I don't know how to get it back to good... ' I felt more tears in my eyes as the song played. "I'm so sorry." I whispered aloud. "So sorry."
_Chapter 24_
I drove almost all the night. When I got home it was 5 in the morning and Alisa was still asleep. I had tickets to leave that morning at 6. My bags were packed and I apologized to Rebecca and said good-bye to the guys and Lauren and Mandy. I hadn't seen AJ and I wasn't planning on it. I didn't know what to say. All I could do was sit in my room and think about Nick and about AJ and about my parents. I was going to see them although they threw me out before. I was ready to live my life with them. I walked down to Alisa's room and picked her sleeping body up in my arms. I had carried my things down stairs already. I laid her on the couch and put my things in the car. I walked back into the house seeing AJ sitting on the couch. "You weren't even going to say good-bye." I looked down.
"Why say good-bye when you can leave with a dramatic exit." I swallowed hard as AJ walked over to me.
"One last dance." He turned on the radio and pulled me into his arms. I closed my eyes swaying silently to the music. 'she grabs her magazines she packs her things and she goes. She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall she burns all her notes, she knows she's been here too few years to feel this old. He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside till its gone. if anybody ever had a heart, well he wouldn't be alone. He knows she's been here to few years to be gone. And we always say it would be good to go away someday, but if there's nothing there to make things change if its the same for you I'll just hang.' "This sounds like us." AJ said still holding me.
"Yeah," I said pulling away. "If I stay any longer I might never leave." I felt tears in my eyes.
"Is that so bad?" I leaned over picking up Alisa.
"I guess we'll find out." I walked toward the door. I looked back into his dark brown eyes as I saw them glaze over with tears.
"I love you." He whispered softly.
"AJ," I said softly. "Don't say anything you cant take back." I turned back to the door and walked out. leaving AJ in the living room staring after me. I knew he'd be there till I pulled out the drive way, maybe after I pulled off the street onto the interstate. Maybe till Alisa and I left on the plane. I wouldn't know. I would never know and that would be something that followed me forever. No matter what happened in California, or what happened with my acting career. I left two men I loved that day...two men that changed my life...two men that really cared.
~Written by: Scotia (Jag7701@aol.com)
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