JOURNAL 14


10:10 pm, 03/10/01

subject: a learning experience

In the past 24 hours, I've been through so much that I feel like I've been "reborn," learning more and more about relationship, conflict, and most importantly, life.

Though there were only a handful of fans who had a problem with the way I informed 2Gether's cancellation, it still hurts me, especially when they requested an apology from me to Mrs. Bastian. Perhaps my biggest weakness is that I am too sensitive, take everything too personally. I have no problem with constructive criticism, but when I am situated as a victim of personal attack, I don't take it too well. Thus, I questioned myself, had doubts, and allowed myself to indulge in this mess.

You have no idea how helpful all those fan emails are to me. I didn't really think anyone would actually CARE; most people might enjoy the site, but that's about it. I am kinda like the person behind the screen, while Evan is in the spotlight, which I don't mind a bit at all. However, knowing I have somehow brought a smile to people's face, making a difference, is the most rewarding feeling in the world. I am not alone in this, and I actually have FANS OF MY OWN? That's the scary part. I am just this ordinary girl and now people I don't even know show supports and encouragement like what a real friend would do? Evan is right, "the internet has brought an entirely new world in this up and coming generation of students who have come to learn about each other in a new way."

Today, I've also learned the importance and magic of the words "I am sorry." To make a long story short, I unintentionally announced who the solo for the song "L-O-V-E" is when the final decision still hasn't been made. A very good friend of mine, who was very frustrated herself, "slapped" (the verbal kind) at me in front of the whole class. I cannot even describe how painful it is when someone I care turns against me in public. I know she didn't mean it, still, I didn't take it too well. My teacher, who is one of the most intelligent individuals I've ever encountered, eventually helped us to resolve the problem. I will never forget what she said: "NEVER let problems unresolved. What if today is my, or Joanna's, or your (pointing at my friend) last day on earth? Then, you'll regret for the rest of your life for saying what you've said."

I cannot tell you what an emotional impact that quote has on me. Really, life is too short to be spent on hatred, anger, unforgiveness. I sincerely believe everyone has a good heart, it's just that different people handle problems differently. "I am sorry" are sometimes the most difficult words to say. But I said it. "I am sorry. I don't want you to be mad at me because I love you as a friend. It really does hurt a great deal when someone I care is looking at me like an enemy." When my friend said that very words as well, I can't even describe how much better I felt. There's something about those words - so powerful, magical.

What I've experienced today is something I can never learn from a classroom. Best said by Evan, "If Michael has taught us anything it's that we barely even have enough time for all of the positve things we need to do and be in life! We simply don't have time to devote to hate, anger, and negativity."