JOURNAL 18


11:32 pm, 04/19/01

subject: it's hard to be a nice gal

Gosh, I am SO SICK of being nice! Really, I wish I could be this nasty person with no restraint and just say everything I have in mind out loud! Of course there are consequences I will inevitably have to pay for being so "honest," but at least I can get the burden off my chest. (I am sure you don't want to hear me complaint)

Anyway, this friend of mine (if you-know-who-you-are happen to read this, don't scream at me! this is my site so I can write whatever I want and I did respect your privacy), who has gone through some pretty tough time, causing her to be quite moody and lacking self-control, esp. when frustrated and stressed out, is now mad at me because of some stupid misunderstanding and something else. (since that "something else" is so insignificant, I rather not waste my time to explain) Though I don't consider myself a very patient person, but with her, I made the exception: trying to understand her, giving her a true friendship she has never had, and being patient with her. I cannot tell you what a difficult but meaningful experience this has been, since I have never really had friends that would argue with me, either they are just friends I say hi in school, or that we have so much in common, in like of each other (like Juliane. I love ya!) After knowing this friend, however, I have cried more in the past few months than the last 17 years of my life. I cried not because I regreted taking this challenge, learning not all friendships are smooth like silk, but I was TERRIBLY hurt for not getting anything back for all the affection, love, caring I have pulled out.

I don't even want to count how many arguments we have had, even the night before Disney Land was an unrestful night. Surely, I will probably never see many of my high school friends again after going away for college (by the way, we sold the house today), but the friendship between me and her is something I do want to cherish. It's so hard for me, to be so understanding 24/7, since I do have bad days myself. Yet, in order to show her that I am someone she can trust and truly want to be her friend, I have to keep this smile on my face regardless what has happened. I could do this before, but not anymore, because I am under so much pressure lately that I can't even make myself smile, so how the heck am I supposed to keep her happy?

Sometimes, I wonder if everything I have done is worth it; ironically, I don't even know how strong this friendship is at this point, despite all the ups and downs we have gone through. Man, I feel so bad about all this. It's not long until graduation, and she and I are going to part in little more than a month. So am I going to throw everything away to keep my pride and leaving Utah with our problems unresolved? God, help me!